Boxed Set: Egg and the Hameggattic Sisterhood: [The 12 book 1st adventure + the series prequel]

by Robert Iannone

“Then we shall proceed as planned.” So with Egg leading the way, they entered the dark gorge. As it turned out, the path was easy to follow and there was nothing freaky to scare them. The only trouble they had was when they passed through a particularly narrow part . . . and K’ssss got stuck.

  “H’sssss, H’sssss.”

  “What are you laughing at, you goofy gluttonous jelly roll?”

  “What does gluttonous mean?”

  “It means you eat too much.”

  “H’sssss, I guess you’re right. I’m stuck.”

  So her six sisters pushed and pulled from either end until they finally freed the somewhat plumpish serpent. They continued on and a few minutes later, they saw the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

  “We’re almost through, you guys. I can see daylight.”

  They picked up their pace and a minute or so later, they made it through the gorge and into K’actus Kiln.

  “Wow.”

  “Ditto.”

  “How weird,” added Sylvia.

  K’ssss wasn’t impressed. “I don’t like it . . . let’s go home.”

  “That’s one of the few intelligent things you’ve ever said,” agreed Soo’.

  Sassi didn’t have anything to say . . . she just took Egg’s hand and squeezed it for support.

  “It is not how I remembered it,” said Dazzle. “Our evil friend has been busy.”

  As they stood their scanning the bizarre landscape, it became very clear that if there was a path to follow, it wasn’t obvious. “How the heck are we supposed to find our way through this?”

  “Not to worry. That’s my job.”

  At the sound of that completely unexpected voice, all seven girls screamed. They turned around very much afraid at what they would find behind them. But to their great relief, it was only a . . . ummm . . . a . . . okay, let’s just call it as they saw it . . . a cat in a hat. Oh, and it had a walking stick.

  The cat smiled and said, “My name is J’azzz-min; but you can call me J’azzz.” The seven girls just stood there staring.

  “What’s the matter . . . cat got your tongue?” J’azzz-min impolitely laughed at her own joke. When no one joined in, she purred somewhat menacingly, which made the girls jump back a step. “I’m trying to be nice here girlies. The least you can do is laugh or giggle or growl or h’sssss or whatever the heck you things do.”

  “Ask her who she is and what she is doing here,” commanded Dazzle.

  “Hey, Miss Bossy, do it yourself.”

  The mouths of the seven sisters . . . and the Princess . . . dropped open at the same time.

  “Okay . . . enough is enough. If you things are going to be rude, I’m out of here. Time for me to scram-daddle.”

  The first one to recover her wits was Bl’azzz and she yelled, “Hey . . . oops,” as she burped and belched a tongue of fire directly at the strange cat.

  “AUGH,” the cat yelped. Then she checked herself to make sure she wasn’t on fire, licked her fur here and there where it had been singed, examined her hat with great care then turned to the F’yre Dragon and said, “Great balls of fire . . . that was awesomely pyro-demonical.”

  “Huh?” responded Bl’azzz.

  Dazzle finally decided to take charge of this encounter. “You are not of this world?”

  “Duh.”

  “What is duh?”

  “She just means that it’s obvious that she’s not from Aerianna.”

  “Oh. Thank you,” she said to Egg. Then she turned back to the cat and said, “How is it that you can see me?”

  “Are you squiggers?”

  Dazzle looked to Egg for an explanation, but the girl just shrugged her shoulders. The Princess decided to try the previous line of questions. “Why are you here . . . in K’actus Kiln?”

  “Technically, I’m not in the Kiln. It doesn’t start until you cross over that little ridge,” and she pointed to a hill just behind the girls.

  Ignoring the cat’s rudeness, Dazzle asked again, “Why are you here?”

  “I’m your guide.”

  “Our guide . . . ?”

  “Not just your guide. I do it for anyone who comes here.”

  “Have there been many?”

  “Ummm . . . actually you’re the first.”

  “How is it that you came to be here? Where is your home?”

  The cat made a weird sound like a ‘meep’. “Can’t say . . . it’s in the rules. Anyway, one day I woke up and here I was. And I just knew that I was here to guide things like you through the seven lands that lead to the Crystal Mountain. Don’t even know how I know how to do it . . . just do. Kind of weird ain’t it.”

  “So you’re going to help us?” asked Egg.

  “What are you . . . a wise-lacker?”

  “What?”

  “A wise-lacker . . .” She dropped her head in disgust when the girl showed no recognition of the word. “It means like it sounds; something that lacks wise . . . you know, like stupid but even dumber.”

  “Ohhh,” said Egg as she began to understand. Then “hey” as she realized she was just insulted.

  Dazzle ended the little exchange when she asked, “Will you guide us now?”

  “NOOOOO,” hissed the cat.

  “I do not understand?” Dazzle said with obvious impatience.

  “Don’t get yourself all snarky,” replied the Cat. She sat down on the sand, smiled at her guests and patted the ground where she wanted them to join her. “Come on. Sit, sit. I’m not going to bite . . . or scratch.”

  So the seven sisters sat in a half circle in front of J’azzz-min while Dazzle stood behind them.

  “Everyone comfy?” she asked, but didn’t wait for a reply. “Good. Now I’ll tell you a little story.”

  “J’azzz . . . we’re kind of in a hurry. Couldn’t you tell us on the way?”

  “What’s your name, girlie?”

  “My name is Sylvia.”

  “I like you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “No.”

  “No? No what?”

  “No . . . I can’t tell you while we walk. I have to tell you now.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s in the rules. I’m supposed to tell all my guests what they can expect. This way they can change their minds if it sounds too scary. And besides, we can’t travel through a desert until the sun begins to set. It’s way too hot.”

  Both those answers actually made sense. So the girls and the Princess relaxed while J’azzz-min began to tell them her story.

  “Obviously, the first land you have to pass through is this one . . . K’actus Kiln. It’s a desert and very, very hot . . . during the day. At night, it’s cold. Kind of wonkers, don’t you think? Anyway, like any desert, there’s no water. But we do have a few things that are kind of interesting. But I’m only allowed to tell you about one of them.” She looked at the girls and waited.

  The girls stared back . . . but said nothing.

  “Come on you guys . . . sheesh. Which one do you want me to tell you about?”

  “How the heck would we know which one? We don’t know what’s out there.”

  “What’s your name, girlie?”

  “Egg.”

  “I like you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Stupid name, though.”

  “Tell us of the most dangerous thing we may encounter,” requested Dazzle.

  “That wasn’t so hard, was it,” said the cat. “You guys are a little fan’ dangled, aren’t you?”

  Having no idea what the cat was talking about, and no desire to ask, everyone just sat there waiting.

  “Rarrr,” snarled the feline. Satisfied that she had made her point, she continued. “I would say the most dangerous thing for you would be . . . ummm . . . oh, yeah, the sand serpents. If they rub against you and scratch you with their scales, you’ll see things that aren’t really there.”

  “Why is that bad?” asked K’ssss. “I always see things that aren’t there. And
sometimes I don’t see things that are there.”

  “What’s your name, girlie?”

  “K’ssss.”

  “I like you.” Apparently, J’azzz-min liked everyone.

  “Oh, thank you. You’re nice.”

  “Ya think?”

  “No . . . I hardly ever think. It gives me headaches.”

  The cat stared at the silly serpent then said, “BUH.” Of course, no one had any idea what a buh was. J’azzz-min let out a deep breath of frustration and continued. “If the sand serpent gets you, you’ll hallucinate . . . and there’s no telling what you’ll do. I would avoid that experience at all costs. You won’t like it . . . trust me.”

  “And you will not tell us of any other danger we might encounter?”

  “Sorry. Only one per land . . . that’s the rules.”

  “Whose rules?”

  “What’s your name, girlie?”

  “Aeri’elle.”

  “I don’t like you.”

  “And why not?” But before the cat could answer, she said, “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Rules are rules . . . that’s all. Anyway, after K’actus Kiln . . . if you make it, comes the Colorless Wood. I think.”

  “You think?” asked Egg.

  “Never been past the Kiln so I can’t remember which comes next. But I promise you, there are seven lands . . . and the order don’t really matter. They’re all pugnaciously dangerous.”

  “Well, the Colorless Wood doesn’t sound so bad. And my name is Sassi.”

  “Didn’t ask, don’t care.”

  “Oh.”

  “Where was I . . . oh, yeah. The Colorless Wood is a pretty weird’acious place. Everything in it is black or white or shades of gray. Everything . . . except the P’xxxies. They’re little people about yay tall . . .” she raised her paw to indicate a height of about a foot or so, “. . . and they have wings and come in a rainbow of colors. To look at them, you’d think they were downright bella’docious.” She looked at the girls and saw they weren’t getting it. “Geez, you guys. Bella’docious . . . you know, pretty and cute and sweet and . . . Oh, forget it.”

  “Are they friendly?”

  “What’s your name, girlie?”

  “Soo . . . Soo’nami.”

  “What do your friends call you . . . Soo-Soo?”

  “No.”

  “Good. That would be even more stupid than Egg.”

  “You are one creepy, cryptic, crazy cat.”

  J’azzz looked at the serpent for a moment, and then said, “I like you.”

  “Please continue with your narrative,” Dazzle asked, though it was really a command.

  “Chill out, ghost thingy.” The hair on her back was sticking straight up when she said this. After a moment, the hair lay back down and J’azzz-min continued. “Anywho, the P’xxxies are anything but nice. They get all their pretty color by sucking it out of any living thing they can get their evil little hands on. That’s why the woods are black and white and gray . . . the P’xxxies ate their color.”

  “Oh my gosh.”

  “Ain’t that the truth. So, never, ever let them land on you. If they do, they can’t rob you of your color, but they will steal all of your hope and joy. What’s left is one broken person or serpent or dragon or ghost thingy.”

  “Can it get any worse?”

  “Hey, Fire Breath, what’s your name?”

  “Bl’azzz.”

  The cat made a noise that sound like “SNERK.” “Now that’s the first name that makes any sense. You — I definitely like. Just don’t look at me when you talk . . . I burn easily.”

  “Not funny.”

  “Yes it was. Anyway, it can get worse. And, it does.”

  “Please continue.”

  “After Colorless Wood comes . . . the Crystal Forest.”

  “I like the sound of that.”

  “I donnnnn’t thinnnnk soooo.” J’azzz stretched out the sound of each word.

  “Why?”

  “D’ing Bats.”

  “Let me guess . . . they’re not nice.”

  “Ever so right, fire breath. If these incredibly nasty things bite you . . . it’s all over except the shouting.”

  “If they bite you . . . you die?” asked a terrified K’ssss.

  “Who said anything about dying? No, you foolish fat thing . . .”

  “HEY,” yelled Soo’ “Nobody insults her except me.”

  “Whatever. No . . . you don’t die. It’s worse than that, much worse.” She paused for dramatic effect. “You turn into one of them.”

  “OH MY GOSH.”

  “Stop saying that . . . you’re getting on my nerves.”

  “J’azzz-min, please finish your story.”

  The cat shook her head in utter disgust . . . then continued. “All right, already. Next comes the AyBee Sea.”

  “ABC?” asked Egg.

  “What is it . . . alphabet land?” kidded Soo’.

  “Oh no . . . watch out for B stings or the vicious V’s and toothy T’s” joked Bl’azzz.

  “You things are as weird as they come. It’s not ABC. It’s AyBee . . . that’s an eight-leggedy thing. He lives on an island in the middle of the sea. The sea is named after him . . . AyBee Sea. Get it?”

  “No . . . not really.” (Yup – that was K’ssss).

  “I’ll explain it to you later, worm brain.”

  “And what does AyBee do?”

  “If he gets you in his eight-arm embrace, he squeezes all courage out of you.”

  “OH MY GOSH.”

  “Again with the ohmygosh.”

  “Sorry . . . it just a habit.”

  “I’d find a new one, if I were you . . . which I’m not ‘cause then I’d have your stupid name.”

  “That is four lands. Tell us about the last three.”

  “Next on your little vacation trip is Switch Swamp. And if your mommies never told you, I will. Don’t drink the water.”

  “Because . . .” encouraged Sassi.

  “Because if you do, you switch minds with the person . . . or thingy . . . closest to you.”

  “That’s not so bad.”

  “Hah. How would you like to be her?” she pointed at K’ssss.

  “Ummm . . . that would be very interesting.” Sassi really liked K’ssss and didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

  “I still don’t understand what the nice cat is talking about?” said a confused sea serpent.

  “I’ll tell you later, gator,” said her friend.

  “Now we get to the one land that I really, really don’t like.”

  “If you don’t, I bet we won’t either,” suggested Sylvia.

  “The Never ‘Glade. It’s home to the world famous Tack-Toed Tick.”

  “I’ll bite . . . what’s a Tack Toed Tick?”

  “Actually, you don’t . . . it does.”

  “Does what?”

  “Bite . . . you Wise-dim dummy.”

  “Hey, I like that,” said Soo’. “Mind if I use it?”

  “Not at all. It’s part of the service.”

  “What happens when it bites you?”

  “Here’s the freak-edacious part. You slowly disappear . . . never to have existed.”

  “Explain,” demanded Dazzle.

  “Just that . . . you slowly fade away. And when you’re gone . . . you never existed. Nobody will remember you ‘cause you never were.”

  The seven girls fell deathly quiet. The seriousness of this Quest was becoming an ugly reality.

  “Tell us of the last land.”

  “It’s called the Maze of Forever. Once you enter it, it will take forever . . . and a day . . . to find your way out.”

  “What does that mean exactly?”

  “It means that once you go in . . . you can never find your way out.”

  “Never?”

  “Never.”

  “OH MY GOSH”.

  Chapter 3 – K’actus Kiln

  After she had finished her description of t
he seven lands, J’azzz-min told the Sisters, “Well, girlies, that’s a wrap . . . I ain’t got nothing else to tell you. So I’ll just be on my way.”

  “Wait,” yelled Egg. “I thought you were supposed to be our guide.”

  “I am, I am. But like I said . . . and you should listen more closely . . . you can’t walk the desert until the sun starts to set.”

  “You will return at that time?”

  “You just gotta pay attention, ghostie. I just said I’m your guide, didn’t I? Of course, I’ll be back. Geez . . . you things are so irritatingly tiggie.” The girls just assumed that wasn’t a compliment.

  “Can I ask you something before you go?”

  “Ask away.”

  “Are you a girl cat?”

  “What a wind’acious thing to say. Just because I made fun of your dumb name is no reason to insult me.” Then the cat thought about that for a heartbeat or two and said, “On second thought, I probably deserved it. Now we’re even. See ya.” And with that, J’azzz-min did the weirdest thing . . . she (he?) did a back flip and dove into the sand and disappeared.

  The girls just stood there awestruck.

  After a few moments, Egg said, “So . . . is she a girl or not?”

  “No clue,” said Soo’. “If it was a boy and you called him a her . . . he’d be insulted. If it was a she and you had to ask, she’d be insulted.”

  “I think she’s a she,” said K’ssss.

  “Why . . . you wise-dim water whack-a-doodle?”

  “She had a pretty hat.”

  They all thought that over and had to agree it was as good a clue as any.

  “I believe there’s a more important question,” voiced Aeri’elle. When the girls looked at her, she said, “What kind of cat can dive into the sand and disappear?”

  “Maybe it’s not sand . . . maybe it’s kitty litter.” That got all the girls to giggling.

  “So what now?” asked Sylvia.

  “We shall make camp. You have brought shelters . . . now would be the time to erect them. My Sea Sisters should spend as little time in the sun as possible. And we should take this opportunity to eat and to rest.”

  So they all pitched in to unpack their supplies. But when it came time to put up the tents, they were at a loss.

  “Anybody know how? I can promise you that sea serpents don’t use whatever this thing is.”

  “I can do it,” volunteered Sylvia. “I go camping with my mom and dad all the time.” So she set to work untangling the ropes and stakes and tarp. With the help of Sassi and Egg, she had the first one up in short order.