Dysfunctional Affair

by James, Hadena

  “Sure, it’s in my file, I haven’t moved since the last time this happened.”

  “Someone will be in contact.” The detective walked away, I guess that was my cue to get off the car. Anthony handed me my crutches as Sebastian examined a cut on his arm.

  “I’m impressed,” mom said, walking over to us. “He had a head start and you guys still managed to catch him. I didn’t think that happened in real life, only in movies.”

  “Yep,” I hobbled over to Zeke, “it happens when you have football players and S.E.A.L.s.” I wrapped my arms around Zeke’s waist. “My hero. It’s about time someone caught the curb jumper.”

  Chapter Nine

  The Curb Jumper had served a function, we hadn’t gone china shopping. This made me ecstatically happy. Now, I was curled up in my bed, trying to get people to go away so I could take a nap. That was harder than it sounded. Alex was sitting next to me, bursting with anticipation, I knew she wanted to hear all the sordid details about how I managed to end up eloping with Zeke. Mom kept popping in and out to see if I needed or wanted anything. Anthony, Zeke and Sebastian were thinking up strategies for protecting us three women while still ensuring all the jobs at work were being covered. Yep, just another day for me.

  “Nadine, Alex, you two are supposed to stay here,” mom popped her head into my room again. “Anthony and Sebastian are going to run me to my house to get clothes and things. Zeke and Patrick are here to keep you out of trouble.” She smiled shutting the door. It almost immediately opened, admitting Zeke and Patrick into my room. Patrick had a grin that would have given the Cheshire Cat a run for his money on wideness.

  “Did you tell everyone?” I asked Alex.

  “No, I was going to, but Sebastian beat me to it.” She shrugged. We listened as a car pulled away from my house.

  “Which drawers are mine?” Zeke plopped onto the bed.

  “Huh?” I looked at him, clueless as to what he was talking about.

  “Which. Drawers. Are. Mine?” He punctuated every word, letting them sink into my head.

  “I heard what you said, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Alex and Patrick giggled.

  “Your mother is moving into the spare room, Anthony is taking the couch that only leaves this room. I have to move my stuff out of the spare room and into here because you’re too chicken to tell her we aren’t married.”

  “Fuck,” I mumbled. “Hey, wait, don’t call me chicken, ya big wuss. That’s the pot calling the kettle black. You tell her.”

  “You two are going to end up going through with this just because no one wants to tell mom.” Alex giggled again.

  “Sod off,” I gave her the finger, which made her giggle harder.

  “She’s right,” Patrick joined us on the bed.

  “Once you spend ten minutes with her mother, you’ll understand.” Zeke didn’t sound all that upset about it.

  “In their defense, my aunt can be a intimidating,” Alex frowned. “So what exactly happened?”

  “Nadine forgot to take off the wedding ring, her mother noticed.” Zeke smiled, went to my dresser and opened the top drawer.

  “What the hell are you doing?” I asked, feeling kind of stupid.

  “Seeing where to put my clothes.” He fumbled around for a second, pushing stuff to one side. He repeated this with all my drawers. “We are going to need another dresser,” he shook his head, talking to himself and went into the bathroom. I could see him moving around in the spare room. Patrick jumped up.

  “I’ll go help him move,” he said, entering the master bathroom.

  “Oh yeah, great, good idea,” I stuck my tongue out at him.

  “Only you, Nadine.” Alex giggled again.

  “You go tell my mother.”

  “Uh, that would be a big fat no.” She stopped giggling abruptly. “I’m not telling her. This will just break her heart. And you she won’t believe it, she’ll just write it off as pre-wedding jitters. Which leaves Zeke to tell her.”

  “Which he won’t because he’s a wuss,” I yelled so he could hear me.

  “Yes, I am.” He came back in, carrying neatly folded clothes. Patrick followed with stuff on hangers. I groaned.

  “What am I going to do?” I put my head back on the pillow. It felt good to be in my bed, I wanted to curl up under the covers and never come out again.

  “Pretend to be happy?” Alex suggested.

  “Thanks, that’s wonderful advice,” I gave her the finger again.

  “Maybe Zeke’s being a wuss because secretly he wants to marry you.” Patrick volunteered. We all turned to look at Zeke. Zeke looked lost in thought for a moment then shrugged.

  “Can’t be any worse than my first marriage.”

  “I can tell this conversation is about to get sappy, so I’m going to go order dinner.” Patrick left the bedroom.

  “What happened with your first marriage?” I asked him, wondering if he’d tell me.

  “I was never home, so she found someone to replace me.” He shrugged again. “It was over long before I caught them, I just didn’t realize it.”

  “That’s so depressing.” Alex stopped smiling. “Why would Nadine be any better?”

  “She’s too busy to have an affair.” Zeke shoved his stuff in my drawers. “And about half the jobs she works, she’s with me, so I’d still get to see her.” He came and sat next to me on the bed. “Isn’t that right, pookie-ookie.”

  “Ok, I’m going to throw up on you if you call me that again.” I meant it too, that was horrid. Zeke laughed.

  “Don’t worry, I think I’ll throw up if I say that again.” The three of us sat quietly for a moment.

  “Were you born in Tahiti or America?” I asked him.

  “Tahiti.”

  “So you have dual citizenship?”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “I may need to flee the country to get away from Alex’s laughter after we get married. It’d be nice to have somewhere to go.”

  “Oh so you’re marrying me for my citizenship?” Zeke chided.

  “That, and because I can’t stand up to my mom.” I sighed again. I was thirty-one years old, I should be able to stand up to my mom, but I couldn’t. I was a big wuss.

  “That reminds me, your mother thinks you’re cranky cause you aren’t having enough sex.” Zeke had a very matter-of-fact tone, I nearly swallowed my tongue, Alex nearly fell off the bed.

  “What do you intend to do about it, Zeke?” Alex asked between gasping breaths.

  “Nothing,” I felt panic swell up again. I hadn’t thought of that.

  “I don’t know yet,” Zeke looked thoughtful again. “Until we get married, it doesn’t seem like it’s that big of a deal. Afterwards, we might have to reevaluate the situation.”

  “Reevaluate the situation?” Alex sounded skeptical. “Uh huh, how long do you think you can go without it? I mean, we know Nadine has iron will, but I don’t think the same applies to you.”

  “I think her iron will is more of a façade than actual will power.” Zeke still had that look.

  “Don’t talk about me like I’m not here.” I told both of them. “Besides, I’m injured, sex is probably not in the list of things I can do safely.”

  “I tried that excuse, Melina responded with ‘a good lover would know how to do it without making her writhe in pain.’ I think she’s probably right, for now I’m using the excuse that you have vacation blues and kidnapping woes.”

  “My god, you have got to tell her the truth,” I grabbed his shirt, balling it in my hands. “I cannot get married, it would completely ruin my sex life.”

  “Your sex life is already ruined,” Alex commented, “being married is supposed to make it better.”

  “I can’t…” I struggled for something to say. “I can’t have sex with Zeke!”

  “Why? What’s wrong with me?” Zeke asked.

  “This, this is just, this is just, oh my god!” I jumped from the bed, under estimated the amount of pain I was
going to feel and yelped. “This is nuts, even for me this is nuts.”

  “So tell her the truth when she shows back up.” Zeke responded.

  “I can’t!” I yelled back at him. “I don’t know what I did in my previous life, but it must have been really, really, really, really bad. You have got to tell her the truth, Zeke.”

  “Me? I’m still offended that you said you couldn’t have sex with me.”

  “Tell me you’re kidding.”

  He looked me over from head to toe. “You know, you aren’t that great a prize either. Alex is a lot prettier than you are.”

  “Has the entire world gone insane?” I asked, more to myself than anyone else.

  “Yes, yes it has, thanks for noticing.” Alex grinned.

  “Alex, help me out here.”

  “Oh no, you dug this hole, you have to get yourself out. I’m just here to watch.”

  “My god,” I moaned, sitting back down on the bed. “Zeke, you’re my employee, I can’t marry you. I most certainly can’t have sex with you. It’s favoritism.”

  “Oh, you wanted help with that hole. I thought you meant the marriage thing. Sure I can help you out with that one.” Alex shrugged. “Zeke, I don’t think she meant it the way it came out. She’s just panicking. Pre-wedding jitters and what not. She didn’t mean she couldn’t have sex with you because you’re ugly or because she didn’t think of you as a person.”

  I wanted to crawl under my bed, maybe beat my head against the floor until I died. Kidnapping and curb jumpers looked like a walk through paradise next to this. Why in the world was my life so screwed up.

  “I don’t believe you,” Zeke stood up.

  “You have very pretty eyes.” I groped for something to say, the last thing I needed was my deranged mother in the house with a pissy fiancé.

  “What?” He frowned at me.

  “You have beautiful eyes. They are the first thing I notice about you every time you walk into the room.” It sounded stupid even to me. Zeke cracked up laughing. I was getting tired of being laughed at.

  “I was only teasing,” he choked out. “I knew what you meant with the sex comment.”

  “I hate you.”

  “Probably and yet you’d still marry me rather than tell your mother the truth. That’s sick.”

  “Yes, yes it is, welcome to my world.” I laid down on the bed. “I really need a nap. Maybe I should go to confession.”

  “I didn’t realize you were religious,” Zeke smiled.

  “I’m not, I’m hoping if I confess, the priest will feel sorry for me and tell my mom I didn’t elope and I don’t want to marry you.”

  “So now you don’t want to marry me? I’m not good enough for you?”

  “Don’t you dare start that again. We haven’t even been on a date. How am I supposed to marry someone that I’ve never dated?”

  “Pretend that all those long security watches were dates,” Zeke sounded like he was sincere.

  “How can I pretend those were dates? They were boring! I don’t want to marry a boring man.”

  “I can’t believe you even have this problem,” Alex stood up. “As entertaining as it is to watch the couple have their first big fight, I think I’m going to go see what’s taking the food so long. I’m starved. Besides, I think you’re mother just came back. I’ll keep her downstairs, but you’ll have to keep your voices down. Nadine, just ask yourself ‘what would Sascha do?’”

  “Move back to Germany,” I replied as she left. Sascha Konietzko really was one of my heroes.

  “You just need a better imagination.” Zeke continued after Alex had left.

  “No, I just need a better life.”

  “Oh come on, will being married to me be that bad?”

  “I think you have co-dependency issues.”

  “I’m adaptable. Married, not married, it’s all the same to me. Same with where I live, I can be by myself or have a roommate, either way I’ll find a way to be comfortable.” Zeke’s smile widened.

  “You’re already sleeping nude in my spare bed, I’d say you’re comfortable.”

  “Well, like I said, I’m adaptable.”

  “What…” I hung my head. “What is the point of this conversation again? I’ve lost the thread. And why aren’t you panicking that my mother is planning our wedding?”

  “You’re panicking enough for both of us.”

  “So, what you’re just going to sit there and let her plan our wedding? And what happens when it comes time to pay for everything? And… and…” I took a deep breath.

  “I’ll pay for the wedding, but if I spend more than a couple thousand on this, I expect you to put out on our wedding night.” He was smiling and I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not.

  “You’re kidding?”

  “Food’s here!” Patrick yelled from downstairs.

  “Oh goody, I can eat and then go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I’ll realize this entire thing has been a nightmare and not real.”

  “Oh, it’s real, honey, you really are in this mess and there’s no one to help you.” Zeke picked me up. I gave a yelp of surprise and began to protest. “The food will be cold by the time you hop down the stairs, so shut up.”

  “I’ve been told that a lot in the last couple of days. If you don’t want to sleep outside, you should be nicer to me.” I leaned in close to him, whispering. “And you could help me if you’d just grow a pair and tell my mother the truth. She isn’t going to listen to me now, she’s already started thinking about what types of flowers we should have.”

  “Nadine, chill out, I’m telling you in a couple of days, everything will work itself out.”

  “And if it doesn’t?”

  “Will you be wearing a white dress?”

  “I think I’m going to throw up.”

  “So you get queasy at the thought of trouble and weddings.” He took the stairs carefully. Alex handed me my crutches at the bottom of the stairs. This was not getting any better. I had no idea how Zeke was being so calm.

  The group sat huddled at the dining room table. Alex, Melina, Anthony and Patrick had taken all the available seats, Sebastian sat at the bar, leaving only one chair. I couldn’t stand, so I wasn’t sure what to do. Also, I hoped the conversation would not be in anyway related to my sham marriage. That would ruin my appetite.

  Zeke fixed two plates, sitting them both down on the bar next to Sebastian. He slid into the bar chair. I was going to have to stand. I wondered if I could eat standing up, leaning on crutches.

  “Are you going to stand?” Zeke’s voice brought my attention back to reality.

  “I don’t see an empty spot.” I realized he was pushed out really far from the bar. I knew I was frowning because he smiled.

  “Sit on his lap,” Alex suggested. Anthony blew little white rice pellets onto the table.

  “I am so not cleaning that up,” I frowned harder.

  “I’ll do it,” Anthony got up from the table. I wondered if I could hobble over to his chair. “Don’t you even think about stealing that spot. I am not sitting on your husband’s lap.”

  Alex nearly died and next to Zeke, Sebastian began coughing and sputtering. If he choked, I wasn’t going to do the Heimlich maneuver. For a moment I wondered if anyone else in the house knew it, realized they probably did so it wouldn’t matter if he started choking or not.

  “It’s hard to eat sitting on someone’s lap.” Asinine, yes, but it was the only thing I could think to say.

  “Nah, you can feed him.” Alex chimed, making Sebastian cough even harder. I wondered if the coughing was hiding his laughter. Oh yeah, he was so fired and shooting him was looking a lot more appealing.

  “Mom, Zeke and I aren’t married.” I took the ring off and sat it on the bar in front of him.

  “Nadine,” my mother tsked me. “I know it’s awkward and hard to get used to, but you will. Until then,” she gave each of them a stern look, especially Alex, “I want you to stop teasing them about it. I have no doubt y
ou were all blindsided by it, I know I was. I didn’t even know she was dating, but that gives you no right to give them both a hard time. Nadine has been through a lot lately, she needs time to adjust to her new life and mate. It would be easier if you weren’t teasing her.”

  “No, mom, Zeke and I aren’t married, we never were, we aren’t even dating. He’s renting a room from me. I have the contract at work if you want the proof.”

  “Oh, well no wonder you fell in love without dating then. I can see where it would be easy to do if you spend all your time together. You wouldn’t even need to date at that point.” She frowned. “I thought he said he didn’t move in until this week?”

  “We aren’t married.” I enunciated every word. A little help would have been nice, I looked around the room, no one was going to say a word.

  “Well, you also worked together Nadine. I know that you two have spent a good deal of time on cases together.” She paused. “Oh, his marriage problems were your fault. Oh Nadine, I’m sorry, that must be really hard. I bet you feel guilty as well as trying to adjust to the situation.” She came over and slipped the wedding ring back on my hand. “Give it a year, you’ll work it all out by then and if you don’t, well at least you’re Orthodox and not Catholic.”

  I gave up, it was no use. My mother wanted to believe I was married and I don’t think she gave a damn who played the part of the husband. I sat down on Zeke’s lap.

  “You might as well just go with the flow,” he whispered in my ear.

  “See, Nadine, those are the moments I’m talking about. That makes all the teasing worth it.”

  I looked over as my mother talked, she had tears welling up in her eyes and a bright wide smile. She was definitely crazy and in denial, but she did look deliriously happy. Only in my life could this happen.

  “Yeah, mom, I see what you mean.” I shoved a forkful of broccoli into my mouth and chewed very carefully. I hoped when I was her age I wasn’t as crazy as she was. Everyone was concentrating very, very hard on their food. I had no illusions it was to stop them from rolling on the floor, howling with laughter. They were all fired, I was even going to fire Alex as my reserve detective. I’d find another detective agency to work with.