Dysfunctional Affair

by James, Hadena

  “Maybe later, I’ll tuck you into bed and read you a story about normal people,” Zeke whispered in my ear as he grabbed some Chinese food with chopsticks. I used a fork, I couldn’t use chopsticks.

  “Maybe later, I won’t kill you while you sleep. Being a widow wouldn’t be all that bad,” I whispered back.

  “I don’t have you down as my beneficiary yet, you should wait until then.”

  Despite the day, I laughed at that. It was pretty funny. I shook my head and stared at the plate.

  “I did what I could,” I whispered to him. That’s when I noticed everyone was staring at us. They were enthralled by what we could be whispering about. My mother thought we were whispering tender nothings into each other’s ears and everyone else was completely clueless. “You get to try next.”

  “Nope, she’s determined, I never mess with determined mothers.” His breath tickled the little hairs on the back of my neck. I had to strain to hear him speak. This was definitely a bad situation. And I was stuck.

  Chapter Ten

  “Good morning, honey,” Zeke sounded very cheerful. I rolled over so I could frown at him. Frowning seemed to be the best way to respond to him, nothing else was working. I hadn’t slept well, dreams of bright pink froofy dresses kept dancing in my dreams. “It’s Tuesday, it’s early, you and I are the only ones awake, besides the dogs. I think we can probably sneak out of here and go hide in Montana for a while.”

  “Finally, you’re panicking!” I hugged him.

  “No, just being realistic, Melina is not going to snap out of this. She is fully convinced that we are married and nothing will change her mind. Me, you, Alex, God, she isn’t going to believe any of us.”

  “Hey, I tried to tell her.” I threw up my hands.

  “I know, I saw. I’m thinking small cabin in the woods, middle of nowhere Montana, we could keep all our guns in the basement in unlocked cabinets. We could even store the bullets with them. Your dogs can come. We’ll come back in, oh, I don’t know, twenty years or so. She still wants to take us china shopping and to find stores to register at.”

  I made an “humph"-ing noise deep in my throat. It wasn’t a nightmare, this was really happening to me. Because being kidnapped, stabbed and almost ran over wasn’t enough. God was laughing at me.

  “I’m not sure how to take that sound,” Zeke frowned. “It didn’t sound happy.”

  “I think I’d rather face people with high explosives than deal with this.”

  “I agree, I don’t know why your mother seems so formidable. I talked to Anthony last night and he says he turns to jelly when your mother needs to be corrected too.”

  “Everyone does, I don’t know why. We are all adults, we should be able to unite and stand up against her.”

  “Well, just think, if we get married and I die, you get my 401k, as well as all my stocks, bonds, retirement accounts and life insurance.”

  “Woo-hoo,” I laid there for a moment, “nope that didn’t help any, sorry.”

  “At least I cook.” Zeke was propped on his arm next to me. His blue eyes bright, but his pupils were very dilated, swallowing most of the blue.

  “You really do have pretty eyes.”

  “Thank you.” He sighed. “What are we going to do?”

  “Why are you asking me? I’ve been her daughter all my life and have no idea what to do with her. She tricked me into going to prom too.” I thought for a moment. “Maybe that’s it, maybe it’s not that she doesn’t believe me, maybe she does, but is going to trick me into getting married. She’s been trying to set me up with guys since I turned 20 and stopped dating.”

  “You stopped dating when you were 20?”

  “Hey, you’ve seen my life, it didn’t just suddenly become this way, it’s easier not to date, keeps others from being involved in the chaos.”

  “That’s pathetic, no wonder she’s trying to trick you into marriage.”

  “You’ve been roped in too, ya know.”

  “I know, but I kind of meant what I said yesterday. While being married again isn’t real high on my list of things to do, it’s not that big a deal either. Married or single, I can work with either. And you really can’t be any worse than Denise. First, you work too much to have an affair. Second, you understand the things I do and could talk to me about it without getting hysterical. Third, you aren’t a bad person, sure you’re a little nuts and your life is weird, but you aren’t a raving maniac and I doubt you’ll become your mother.”

  “A marriage of convenience and cowardliness, that’s new. That’s new even to me.” I thought for a moment, “it’s also pretty pathetic that you really don’t care whether you’re married or not. That’s as lame as me not dating since I was 20.”

  “No, you haven’t dated in eleven years, that’s got me beat in the lame department. Does that mean you haven’t gotten laid in eleven years?”

  “We are so not discussing that.”

  “Will you tell me if we get married?”

  “Probably not.” I sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it. When can I go back to work?”

  “Next week.”

  “That means I have a week of my mother. I might shoot myself.”

  “I would hate to have to take away your gun. Shooting yourself would reflect badly on the company.”

  “If they’d ever met my mother, they’d understand.” I petted Anubis. “It’s still dark out, what time is it?”

  “A little before dawn, you’ve got a half hour or so before the sun starts to rise. What’s the plan for the day?”

  “We keep my mother from taking us china shopping.”

  “And?”

  “And I don’t have a clue, I’m flying blind. I’ve never been stuck in my house for a week. I’ve never been stuck with my mother for a week. I’ve also never had a husband that I was stuck… well, actually, I’ve never had a husband at all. I’m clueless and taking suggestions.”

  “I suggest we go back to sleep until next year some time. By then your life should be pretty much out of danger and your mother will have gone home.”

  “Ok,” I rolled over, closed my eyes. I could feel Zeke near me, not touching, but close, too close. Somehow I drifted off to sleep.

  “…how long?” My eyes drifted open as Zeke spoke.

  “Maybe a couple of hours, we don’t know. Lucy called to say that he hadn’t reported in this morning, he’s not out on a job. He’s just gone.” Anthony answered.

  “Fuck,” Zeke’s voice was soft, low, distant. I had to listen closely to catch everything they were saying.

  “My sentiments exactly. I’ve called Sebastian and Alex, they are on their way to his place. Alex is calling in one of her detectives to look around. I’m going over there. I need you with Nadine, I know she isn’t going to sit on her hands all day, waiting for something, besides, the dogs might come in handy.” Anthony sighed loud enough for me to hear him. “Do you want to wake her and tell her or should I?”

  “All I need to know is who’s missing.” I sat up in bed.

  “So you are awake.” Anthony moved in closer to me, taking a seat on the bed. “Thomas is gone. Alex is on her way to start investigating. We’ve contacted the police, but since he hasn’t been gone twenty-four hours, there isn’t much they can do.”

  “Take Anubis, Set and Loki, they are the best trackers. Remember, they only take commands in Russian. If you start giving them commands in English, they may just ignore you or they may decide you’re lunch and attack. They can be fickle about that. Even if they know you, they perceive it as a threat, that’s how they were trained.”

  “I remember.” Anthony stood up.

  “You go, I’ll get dressed, make sure Melina is secure, then Zeke and I will meet you at Thomas’s place. Call if you leave there. And keep a close watch on Alex.” I looked at the dogs. “Loki, Anubis, Set, go with Anthony,” I pointed after him. Me they would obey regardless of my language, I was master regardless of their tackling and training. Did I mention
Danes were very loyal?

  The Danes moved from the bed, stretched, yawned and then bounded out the door. The other three sat perfectly still, waiting for instructions. They were decent trackers, but they were better attackers. They would guard Melina today unless I needed them.

  “Mom,” I skip, hobbled into the master bathroom. “Mom you have to get up. Zeke, call a couple of people to come over here today. Heather and Patrick would be good. Mom, you have to get up, there’s an emergency.”

  “What, what is it dear?” She came into the bathroom as I yanked my PJ's off. For a moment, I heard Zeke lose his train of thought in mid-sentence. Nice to know I could be surprising in good ways.

  “One of my employees is missing. We are calling guards to come to the house. You need to stay here, all day.” I put another shirt on. “I’m leaving Baldur, Adar, and Marduk here with you. They are trained attack dogs, but they only take Russian commands. You have to speak with a firm voice and you have to speak Russian like you normally do. Anything else and they will probably just stare at you like you’re out of your mind before running off to find their food dishes.”

  I walked back into the bedroom. The safe swung open after I finished putting in the combination. I pulled out three guns, checking the clip on each. They were all fully loaded. I know, it’s bad form to keep loaded guns in the house, but at least they were locked in a safe. I pulled out an extra holster. The holster and one of the guns I handed to my mother. She looked at them like they were snakes. “Do you remember the training you were given?”

  “Yes, but I really don’t think…”

  “Well, then don’t think. Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. Do you think you can handle it if something happens?” I wanted her to say yes.

  “Of course I can, I’m not just some airhead bimbo. I was married to a cop for thirty years, young lady.” She slid the holster on with ease. I followed her, putting on my own. A Berretta went into each side. Yes, I carry two guns, I’m not paranoid, just cautious.

  “I seriously doubt you’ll need it, but weird shit happens all the time in my life. I could see some deranged moron breaking in to kill me only to find you, two guards and attack dogs.” And I really could see that happening.

  “Feed the dogs, their bowls are in the garage, but have Heather or Patrick let them out, not you. Don’t go outside to play with them. They like to wrestle and play in the morning, move the coffee table into the library and play with them in there. They’ll have just as much fun dashing through the house and rolling around on the carpeted floor as they do outside. You’ll have to call them back into the house, in Russian, but have either Heather or Patrick with you. Just open the door and call them from the dining room, don’t go outside.” I finished giving her instructions.

  “I am not a child, Nadine. I know perfectly well how to deal with this.” She frowned at me, giving me her best mother look. It worked. I backed down. “Thank you. Now, you be careful, call me when you can and Zeke, don’t let her do more than she should. Will you be taking your crutches?”

  “No, I’m not taking my crutches,” it came out crankier than I had intended.

  “See what I mean, Zeke,” Melina gave him a knowing smile. If it had been anyone else, they would have gotten the finger, but it was mom, so I stuck out my tongue instead.

  “I’ll check on you in a couple of hours.” I went down the stairs, my leg hurt, but it no longer made me want to whimper in pain. This pain just reminded me that I was alive.

  Heather and Patrick got to my house quickly, quicker than I had expected. Zeke and I were leaving before I’d even really gotten awake. Zeke had a thermos of coffee, I had a soda, as we climbed into the Hummer. He was in my house, sleeping with my dogs and driving my car, he was definitely adaptable.

  “What will you do when we get there?” We had driven for several miles without speaking. His voice startled me into jumping, a slight yelp escaped me.

  “Sorry, lost in thought,” I blushed, angry at myself for letting him surprise me. “Um, same thing I always do when Detective Zeitzev is around.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Stand around, bark orders once in a while, try to look important.”

  “I see. So, nothing in other words.”

  “I’m not a detective, I don’t have a single detecting bone in my body. Alex is a natural. Best to let the experts handle the detective work, I’ll just make sure they don’t die. That’s what I’m good at…” I thought for a moment, “with some help of course.”

  We drove the rest of the way in silence. I occasionally forget the size of Kansas City. The metropolitan area isn’t all that big, but it has several towns incorporated in it, even the outlying areas like Independence and Bonner Springs were considered KC. It seemed like we drove for hours. Part of this was because there was traffic and part was because I really wanted to get there and do something useful. I wasn’t sure what that useful part would be, but it beat the heck out of just sitting around waiting for news. I could mill around and wait for news.

  Finally, Zeke exited Interstate 70, turning onto a smaller highway. It wouldn’t be long now. The skyscrapers faded from view, vanishing altogether when we went over the next hill. Suburbs lined each side of the highway, connected via side roads and exit ramps. Each house looked like it’s neighbor, their only uniqueness lay in their colors. I hated these types of houses.

  Zeke took the exit for one of these suburbs. We snaked through the picture perfect houses with their picture perfect lawns. Children’s toys were scattered in some of the yards, lawn decorations in others, these latter Alex always referred to as “lawn puke”. If I hadn’t been in a bad mood, I might have smiled at the thought.

  We stopped in front of a house. Blue vinyl siding, manicured lawn, I had never seen Thomas’s house, but I found this to be nothing like the Thomas I knew. The engine hummed for several seconds before Zeke finally shut it off. Alex came out onto the porch and I realized that including my Hummer, there were five cars in the driveway and at the curb. We were going to attract oodles of attention. Nothing to be done about it. Others started to come from the house. Anthony, Sebastian, a detective I knew by face, but not by name, Jacob and my dogs. The dogs were straining their leashes, tugging frantically to get away from Anthony.

  “Nadine, something doesn’t feel right about this.” Alex said as I gingerly approached the front door. “The guys have done a sweep and didn’t find anything out of place, but that’s the part that worries me. Even his car is in the garage.”

  I took a moment to let her words sink in. I wasn’t a detective, I didn’t have detective instincts. If Alex said something was wrong, than I had to believe her.

  “Meaning that if he was kidnapped, he would have been kidnapped from here, but there wasn’t a struggle.” I thought through it, talking out loud to no one.

  “Exactly,” Alex frowned. “I’m wondering about this being a kidnapping. Someone in this neighborhood would have noticed a strange car, even in the middle of the night.”

  The dogs were still freaking out. I watched them dance, yank at the ends of their leashes. They sensed it too.

  “Give me Anubis,” I told Anthony. He looked grateful to not have to restrain all three of them. Anubis did as well, but it was probably my imagination.

  In nearly slow motion a car pulled up near the Hummer. It stopped, rolled down two windows and gunshots rang out. I immediately fell to the ground, taking Anubis with me. I was sure he would understand.

  “Get down,” Someone yelled.

  I rolled on the ground, where was an attack dog when you needed it. Clicking the latch I let Anubis off his leash. I spoke low in his ear. Anubis took off in a mad dash for the car. Anthony repeated the attack command as he let go of the others. The men in the car hadn’t been prepared for that. Windows went up as Anubis leaped for the car, landing half in and half out of the back window. I could hear him barking, the gun fire stopped, replaced by human screaming.

&n
bsp; Slowly, I got back to my feet. Set and Baldur leapt for the front window, smashing into it. The glass shattered. There was more screaming and then the car was in drive, pulling away from the curb. Anubis fell out with a thud onto the road. Carefully, he got to his feet and shambled back over to us. Collapsing at my feet.

  There seemed to be a moment of indecision on the part of the other two dogs. They obviously wanted to chase after the car, but something held them back. Instead, they made a dash for the house, streaking past everyone and into the living room. I examined Anubis. Blood dripped from his jaws, but he didn’t seem hurt. His breathing was a little fast but sounded fine.

  Set and Loki let out a howl that shattered the quiet following the gun fire. None of us had even gotten a shot off, it wasn’t much of a shoot out. Sirens were wailing in the distance.

  “Go find out what they found,” I told Anthony. Jacob followed him into the house without being asked or told. I wondered what my receptionist was doing here, but pushed the thought away as the police cars got closer. I hated police procedures. I understood that it was part of their job, it just took so damn long and you usually had to repeat yourself a couple of times. Logically, I knew it wasn’t their fault, but that didn’t mean I had to like it.

  “Found Thomas,” Sebastian came out the front door. Thomas looked like shit.

  “Trap,” he huffed.

  “Paramedics, we need paramedics,” I told a cop as he ran into the yard. I wasn’t sure when they’d parked. “Where was he?”

  “Locked in a trunk in the basement. He says he has one hell of a headache. I’m guessing from lack of oxygen and the nasty ass bump on the back of his head.” Jacob put a blanket around him.

  “Trap,” Thomas took a deep breath, “kill Nadine.”

  “Yeah, they tried that already,” I waved the thought away with my hand. “I wonder if Guinness has some kind of record for surviving the most assassination attempts. I bet I could win.” Everyone laughed but Thomas, he tried, ended up doubled over coughing. “Think you could ID them?”