Dysfunctional Affair

by James, Hadena

  “Yes, they claimed they were delivery men. I turned to call their supervisor and they hit me on the head.” He took another deep ragged breath. “I came to as they were carrying me into the basement. They were talking about killing you.”

  “Did they say why?”

  He seemed to think for a minute, “if they did, I didn’t hear it.”

  “Hmm, so unknown persons lock you in a trunk to set me up for a drive by,” I shrugged. “I guess it could have been worse. Officer, I think you might want an evidence tech to get evidence off my dog.” That was probably the strangest thing I had said all day.

  “Is he ok?” Anthony asked, pointing at Anubis.

  “Yeah, just winded and probably a little shaken from the fall. I’ll have the vet check him out this afternoon, but I don’t see any bleeding wounds or gaping holes, so he’s good.”

  “Did you just say I should get a crime tech to get evidence off your dog?” A detective walked up next to me. Suddenly, I felt very tired.

  “Yes, I did. Anubis bit one of the suspects, he has blood on his fur from it. You might be able to get usable DNA out of it.”

  “Good boy, Anubis. Would you like to tell me why someone is trying to kill you, yet again?” The detective stood back up.

  “Well, why does anybody want to kill me, Ivan, I’m just not a people person.” I shrugged again. Ivan shook his head.

  “Detective Daniels, we’ve contacted paramedics.” An officer ran up to us.

  “Good, we’ll need another detective or lieutenant to interview witnesses, I’m not sure I can be impartial.” Ivan looked back at me. “Ok, once more, why is someone trying to kill you?”

  “I don’t know Ivan, really I don’t. I’m sure it has something to do with work, but I’m not sure what it is.” My family is named a little weird. My brothers in order of birth are Liam, Ivan, Devlin, and Vladik. Guess that’s what happens when an Irish Catholic marries a Russian Orthodox. Oh and it’s pronounced “Ee-van” not “I-van”. “Mom is staying at my house for a while.”

  “I know, she called and told me you eloped.”

  “Oh shit,” I frowned, I’d forgotten about that.

  “So, who’s the lucky guy?”

  “I am.” Zeke stepped forward, he was holding Set on a leash. “I eloped with your sister as soon as she got back from Russia.”

  “You? Wow, Zeke, I didn’t think you had a thing for my sister. So, when do you want to meet everyone? And are you prepared for it?” My mom and Ivan are the two people in my family I’m closest too. Partly because the others are spread across the country and partly because Ivan is the one that kept my brothers from beating me up too badly when I was a kid. Because of this, Ivan has met the people I work with on several times, he even gets invited to the company parties. “Well, since mom is at your house and I need to congratulate both of you, why don’t I come by tonight. I’ll bring the wife and kids, we’ll make it a family affair.”

  “You want to bring your kids to my house after someone just tried to gun me down?” I asked.

  “Sure, it’s not like this kind of thing is usual for you. It’s just part of being your brother. If I hid all the time, it wouldn’t be very family like.”

  “Thanks Ivan, think you can get me out of answering a ton of questions. I want to go home, maybe go back to bed.”

  “Nope, that I can’t do, but I can offer to hang out with you while you wait.”

  “Don’t you have to work?”

  “The nice thing about being a detective is they let me slack because I’m so good.” For the first time, Ivan noticed Alex, standing off, talking to an officer. “Officer, I’d like to speak with her too.” He yelled.

  Alex sauntered over, her head cocked to one side. Now it really was a family affair. Her and Ivan hugged.

  “I think you run away from my sister’s every time you know I’m coming over. It’s been a couple of months since I’ve seen you,” Ivan didn’t always approve of Alex’s methods. This caused some friction between them.

  “I do,” she smiled. “I’ll be there tonight though. I heard you say we were going to celebrate the wedding.”

  A noise between a sigh and a groan escaped me as my cell phone rang. I dug it out, checked the caller ID and debated whether to answer it or not. This was going to be another very long day.

  Chapter Eleven

  “Liam, now’s not a good time,” I said instead of hello.

  “Nadine, mom just called me. I’m wondering if it’s true and if so, why mom told me instead of you?” Even over the phone I could tell he was smiling.

  “I so can’t discuss this right now,” I closed my eyes.

  “Give me that,” Ivan yanked the phone from me. “Liam, Nadine’s just been shot at, she really can’t talk right now. Do you want me to have her call you back?”

  There was a long pause, “no, I don’t know why someone is shooting at her, but it’s Nadine.”

  For a second I was offended by this, however, they were my brothers and this was getting kind of ordinary. Ivan stopped talking again. If I had leaned in, putting my ear on the back of the phone, I was sure I would have been able to hear Liam too.

  “I don’t know, hold on, I’ll ask her.” Ivan took the phone away from his ear.

  “Sis, did someone try to run over you yesterday with a car?” I nodded. Ivan put the phone back to his mouth. “She said yeah. She was also kidnapped over the weekend.” He was quiet for a long time.

  I could only imagine what Liam was saying, I was pretty sure it was something about keeping me under control, maybe hiding me in a small cabin in Montana. That was the way my family worked, my brothers could pick on me, beat me up, but they were the only ones that were allowed to do it. Once in junior high, I’d had some creep who kept punching me in class in the arm. When Devlin saw the bruise, all four of them loaded up into Liam’s car and drove over there. I don’t know what they said or did, but it worked, the guy never talked to me again, wouldn’t even sit on the same side of the classroom as me.

  “Liam wants to know if he can stay at your house or if the newlyweds want to be alone.” Ivan smiled as he spoke.

  “I don’t have any room at my house! I have mom in the spare room, Anthony on the couch and occasionally two other guards playing cards at my kitchen table.”

  “We’ll move mom to my house,” Ivan said out loud, but I got the impression he wasn’t talking to me. Great, just what I needed another person in my life, in my house and in my way.

  “Actually, I’m thinking that library is really big and kind of sparse, we can put beds in there, if we put bunk beds in there, we could get two or three sets.” Ivan added thoughtfully.

  “No, you are not taking over my library!” I yelled at them, moving close enough to the phone that I was sure Liam heard me. Zeke grabbed my shoulder, pulling me into him.

  “Ah, that’s so cute,” Ivan cooed at me. I reached for my gun, Zeke stopped me by grabbing my hands.

  “Yeah, she just snuggled into her husband. It really is adorable. Have you met Zeke?” I supposed he was talking to Liam.

  “If we have Liam at your house, we can reassign Heather to something less dangerous. He’s DEA, he’ll be fine.” Zeke whispered into my hair. “And your mother will be out of harm’s way at Ivan’s house.”

  Anthony giggled behind me. I turned giving him my best cold stare, it made him laugh harder. I was going to have to work on that.

  “This is a disaster,” I muttered. No one ever listened to me. Now, my brother was inviting himself to stay with me. I hated my life.

  Ivan eventually handed me the phone back. I took it, putting it up to my ear to see if Liam was still there.

  “Liam, you don’t have to come, I’m not twelve, I can take care of myself.”

  “That’s exactly what I thought you’d say. I’m sure you and your agents can protect you, if I wasn’t, I would have put my foot down long ago about your security agency. You are getting press even out here in California, sis. I hav
e plenty of vacation and it’s been a while since I was home anyway. It’s not a matter of what you can and cannot do, but if I stay in California, while you fight off assassins and killers, mom is going to give me hell. If you die, I’ll never hear the end of it. We’ll be sitting down to Easter dinner in fifteen years and she’ll go ‘ah, if only Nadine were here.’ I am coming home if for no other reason than making sure mom can’t accuse me of not caring. Besides, my littlest sister got married, I have to come home and congratulate her.” He said this last line using the same voice you’d coo at a baby with.

  “I think I’m going to yak. I’m hanging up now.” And I did. Almost instantly, it rang again.

  “You have a Monty Python ring tone.” Ivan chuckled. My phone rang again, first John Cleese saying “I’m invincible,” followed immediately by Graham Chapman saying “you’re a loony.” I thought it fit right in with my life.

  I checked the caller ID. My mother must have been at my house dialing everyone in her address book. Vladik’s number flashed at me again. I slid the phone into my pocket. After a few more times, it stopped ringing.

  “I’m going home,” I was interrupted by Ivan’s phone ringing.

  “Fuck,” I muttered.

  “Hi, Vlad, she’s ignoring you’re call.” He answered it. I knew he would, it was stupid for me to think he’d ignore it. He was quiet, listening to Vladik talk. “Yeah, she got married. Mom thinks the reason she isn’t telling anyone is because she’s embarrassed.”

  “I’m going home,” I announced again. Nobody seemed ready to leave but me. I was pretty sure this was like a train wreck, you knew you didn’t really want to watch, but you couldn’t tear your eyes away. I started towards the Hummer, realized I didn’t have keys and stomped back to Zeke. “Keys?” I put out my hand.

  “You can’t drive.” He frowned at me. “Besides, your brother might want to talk to you.”

  “I don’t want to talk to him. He can get all the details from Ivan and Liam.”

  “They are your brothers, you need to talk to them.”

  “Why isn’t your brother calling and pestering you?”

  “Because I haven’t told my mother,” Zeke smiled. I wanted to punch him.

  “Yeah, Liam’s coming in late today.” Ivan spoke quickly and quietly, he switched to Russian. This wasn’t enough to throw me off, but some of the others might not catch it. “Mom thinks,” he continued, the Russian rolling quickly off his tongue. All of us were bi-lingual. “She’s embarrassed because she married a Tahitian man that works for her.”

  “Am not!” I yelled at him. He shooed me away with his hand.

  “Well, someone’s tried to kill her three times in the past week, that’s why Liam is on his way in from California. She swears she doesn’t know why, I only sort of believe her. I think she knows the overall reason that people want her dead, but not the specifics.” He was silent for a good two minutes. “Yes, Liam said he had seen her on the news too.” Ivan was obviously practicing his Russian more than me. He was speaking much faster than I could, occasionally I needed to grope for a word or two. They seemed to come to him with ease.

  “I think we should have a reception for her. Mom says she is planning a wedding now, Zeke has agreed, Nadine is fighting to the death about it.” He paused again, “bad choice of words. Like I said, if things quiet down this week, I think we could do it this weekend or maybe next weekend.” Behind us, Alex started laughing. She grabbed her sides and doubled over, Anthony joined her.

  “Only in your family can someone try to kill you while your brothers plan a wedding reception,” Alex giggled, trying to get herself under control.

  “Oh, go give yourself a swirly,” I responded. This was not the right thing to say because everyone but me started laughing. Even Ivan gave a snigger. Stupid people, I thought, but didn’t say.

  “We’ll talk more this afternoon,” Ivan hung up. “Vladik told me to congratulate you.”

  “Vladik go can jump off a cliff. May I go home now?”

  “No, you still need to answer some questions.”

  “Then can we get on with it. I’m tired, cranky and dealing with you is just making it worse.” I sighed. It wasn’t just him though, it was my entire dysfunctional life that made me tired.

  “Sure,” he said as my phone rang.

  “That’s Devlin and I’m not answering it.” I didn’t need to see the caller ID to know that it was Devlin. Mom worked quick.

  “And you had better not answer it if he calls you.” I pointed at Ivan.

  “I want to go home. I’ll deal with him later, like next century. Alex is right, you guys should be more worried about my safety than my fake marriage.” I scolded my brother.

  “Why? You own a personal security agency, you are surrounded by professional body guards and your brother is going to be here tonight from California. Your body is safe, on the other hand Zeke’s sanity probably isn’t.” Ivan motioned an officer over. “Ms. Daniels needs to go to the… wait, is it still Daniels?”

  “Yes, it’s still Daniels.” I snapped at him. “I’d like to go to the station, answer some questions and then go home.” I told the officer. Yep, I sounded cranky even to myself. Ivan’s phone started ringing. “Don’t you dare answer that if it’s Devlin!”

  “It is and I am, little one.” Ivan flipped open his phone. I tried not to scream as I stomped to the patrol car.

  “Can you arrest me?” I asked one very stunned looking police officer. This wasn’t an investigation it was a free for all and I was losing very badly.

  “For what charges?” The officer asked cautiously.

  “I don’t care, anything, just don’t make me go talk to Devlin or Ivan.” I opened the passenger’s door to the patrol car and climbed in.

  “Detective, your sister has just gotten into my car, what should I do?” I ignored the stares and giggles as I sat, waiting.

  “Nadine, get out of the car.” Zeke ordered me, trying to open the door. I locked it, sticking my tongue out at him.

  “Take her to the station, let her answer some questions. I’ll send some people down to escort her home.” My brother shouted at the officer. The officer shook his head but got into the car. They were still laughing as we drove away.

  “I’m not crazy,” I said after a few moments of silence. The dash clock said only 27 minutes had passed since Zeke and I showed up at Thomas’s house. It felt like years.

  “Don’t worry, Ms. Daniels, we all have crazy family lives.” The officer kept his eyes on the road.

  “Yeah, right, what’s crazy about yours?”

  “My sister’s a porn star, she got famous after our younger brother became a professional volleyball player, he’s good too. Won several championships, but he’s remembered because his sister’s a porn star. Cops tease me about it in the office.”

  “Yep, that would probably suck. Ok, so we all have crazy families, what do we do about it?”

  “Ignore it.” He smiled, it made him look years younger. “Why is yours crazy?”

  “All my brothers are law enforcement, I’m the only one that’s not. Of course, I’m the one that gets the most death threats and I’ll probably end up hiring my brothers when they retire as consultants. I’ve also sort of moved in with a guy and now everyone is planning our wedding and we aren’t even sure we want to get married. Hell, we haven’t even been on a date.”

  “Love is a strange thing.” He frowned. I gave up.

  “Yes, yes it is.”

  “What do your brothers do?”

  “Well, Ivan of course is a detective with your station. Liam is the oldest, he’s a DEA agent, Devlin is third oldest, he’s with VICAP and Vladik, the youngest, well I’m not really sure what agency he works for, but I think it’s either Secret Service, NSA or CIA, anyway he’s in DC doing something important. The problem with four older brothers is that they always want to take care of me and I can take care of myself.”

  “Like getting shot at?”

  “Hey, I
didn’t get shot did I?” It was pointless. “I own a security agency and I’m not well liked, getting shot at is just one of the perks I guess. However, it’s almost always shot at or attacked, I’m not dead so I must be doing something right.” It sounded whiny even to me. Oh well, maybe whining would make me feel better.

  “That’s true. If you weren’t any good, you’d be dead by now. Aren’t you the one that got involved with the mob over the summer?”

  “Yep, that was me.” Forever my legacy, I was attacked by the mob and lived.

  We arrived at the station where I was given a pretty warm greeting. Several of the cops either knew me or knew of me. My reputation must not be too terrible. The captain interviewed me with another detective, but at least it was in a small office and not some cheap interrogation room. When they let me go, Zeke and Ivan were waiting for me. I groaned at both of them.

  “Mom wants me to escort you home,” he said to me.

  “Great, just great.”

  “Could be worse, she could have demanded I escort you home with the protection of officers. She has suddenly gotten the idea that you are going to give her grandchildren.”

  “I don’t want kids!” I made retching noises. I most certainly didn’t want children. That I would have to set her straight about. I might be chicken enough to get married, but I wasn’t having kids. There was no way I was going to bring a child into my uber-screwy life, I didn’t even like kids, my only exception was my brother’s children and I could make them go home when they got annoying.

  “I’m kidding, Nadine,” Ivan put a hand on my shoulder. “Calm down, she’s just ecstatic you’re married, she doesn’t need grandchildren from you, she has mine. But I am supposed to escort you home, Zeke is going to the hospital to sit with your friend Thomas.”

  “What?” I whirled around on Zeke, “you are going to make me go home to my mom and brother alone?”

  “Yes, honey, I am.” Zeke hugged me.

  “Oh come on, the two of you can do better than that,” my brother teased from behind me.

  “I’m not into public displays of affection.” I snipped.