The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 68
In a minute, Francis? No, Francis; but tomorrow, Francis; or,
Francis, on Thursday; or, indeed, Francis, when you want. But,
Francis–
FRAN.
My lord?
My lord?
PRINCE.
--wilt thou rob this leathern-jerkin, crystal-button,
nott-pated, agate-ring, puke-stocking, caddis-garter,
smooth-tongue, Spanish-pouch,--
–will you rob this leather jerkined, crystal buttoned,
cropped haired, agate ringed, bluestockinged, garter taped,
smooth tongued, leather pouched–
FRAN.
O Lord, sir, who do you mean?
Oh Lord, Sir, who do you mean?
PRINCE.
Why, then, your brown bastard is your only drink; for,
look you, Francis, your white canvas doublet will sully:in
Barbary, sir, it cannot come to so much.
Why, then, you'd better stick to serving wine; for,
Francis, if you rob your master you'll have to run for it:
your white coat won't stay too clean when you're on the run.
FRAN.
What, sir?
What, sir?
POINTZ.
[within.] Francis!
Francis!
PRINCE.
Away, you rogue! dost thou not hear them call?
Off you go, you rogue! Can't you hear them calling?
[Here they both call him; Francis stands amazed, not knowing
which way to go.]
[Enter Vintner.]
VINT.
What, stand'st thou still, and hear'st such a calling? Look
to the guests within. [Exit Francis.]--My lord, old Sir John,
with half-a-dozen more, are at the door:shall I let them in?
What, are you standing here, when you can hear all this calling?
Go and look after the guests inside. My lord, old Sir John,
with half a dozen more, is at the door: shall I let them in?
PRINCE.
Let them alone awhile, and then open the door.
[Exit Vintner.]
Pointz!
Leave them out there for a while, and then open the door.
Pointz!
[Re-enter Pointz.]
POINTZ.
Anon, anon, sir.
In a minute, sir.
PRINCE.
Sirrah, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are at the
door:shall we be merry?
Sir, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are
outside: shall we have some fun?
POINTZ.
As merry as crickets, my lad. But hark ye; what cunning
match have you made with this jest of the drawer? Come,
what's the issue?
We’ll be as merry as crickets, my lad.But listen, what’s the big
idea with making fun of the barman like this?Come, what are you up to?
PRINCE.
I am now of all humours that have showed themselves humours
since the old days of goodman Adam to the pupil age of this
present twelve o'clock at midnight.--What's o'clock, Francis?
I’m in the mood to try every way of having fun ever
invented between good old Adam up to midnight
last night. – What’s the time, Francis?
FRAN.
[Within.]Anon, anon, sir.
In a minute, sir.
PRINCE.
That ever this fellow should have fewer words than a parrot, and
yet the son of a woman! His industry is up-stairs and down-stairs;
his eloquence the parcel of a reckoning. I am not yet of Percy's
mind, the Hotspur of the North; he that kills me some six or seven
dozen of Scots at a breakfast, washes his hands, and says to his wife,
Fie upon this quiet life! I want work. O my sweet Harry, says she,
how many hast thoukill'd to-day?Give my roan horse a drench,
says he; and answers, Some fourteen, an hour after,--a trifle, a
trifle.
I pr'ythee, call in Falstaff:I'll play Percy, and that damn'd
brawn shall play Dame Mortimer his wife. Rivo! says the drunkard.
Call in ribs, call in tallow.
[Enter Falstaff, Gadshill, Bardolph, and Peto; followed by
Francis with wine.]
It’s amazing that this fellow is a human being, when he has fewer
words than a parrot!All his efforts go into climbing the stairs,
his words are all to do with the bill.I don’t share the mood of Percy,
the Hotspur of the north; the one who kills six or seven dozen
Scots at breakfast, washes his hands and says to his wife,
“Damn this quiet life!I want some work!”“Oh my sweet Harry,” she says,
“How many have you killed today?” “Rinse down my roan horse,”
he says; and answers, “About fourteen, in an hour, nothing, nothing.”
Please, call in Falstaff.I’ll play Percy, and that great lout
shall play Lady Mortimer his wife.Cheers!
says the drunkard: call in these greedy devils.
POINTZ.
Welcome, Jack:where hast thou been?
Welcome, Jack: where have you been?
FAL.
A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too! marry, and
amen!--
Give me a cup of sack, boy.--Ere I lead this life long, I'll sew
nether-stocks, and mend them and foot them too. A plague of all
cowards!--
Give me a cup of sack, rogue.--Is there no virtue extant?
Damn all cowards, I say, and revenge on them too!Yes, amen
to that!
Give me a cup of sack, boy.I’d rather sew stockings and mend them
than live this life.Damnation to all cowards!
Give me a cup of sack, scoundrel.Are there no good men left?
[Drinks.]
PRINCE.
Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of butter? pitiful-hearted
butter, that melted at the sweet tale of the Sun! if thou didst,
then behold that compound.
Didn’t you ever see the sun shining on a dish of butter?Soft
hearted butter, that melted at a touch of the sun!If you did,
you can see it in front of you here.
FAL.
You rogue, here's lime in this sack too:there is nothing but roguery
to be found in villainous man:yet a coward is worse than a cup of
sack with lime in it, a villanous coward.--Go thy ways, old Jack:die
when thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be not forgot upon the face
of the Earth, then am I a shotten herring. There live not three good
men unhang'd in England; and one of them is fat, and grows old: God
help the while! a bad world, I say.
I would I were a weaver; I could sing psalms or any thing. A plague of
all cowards! I say still.
You rogue, there’s lime in this sack as well: all one finds in villainous mankind
is roguery: but a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime in it,
a villainous coward – go about your business, old Jack: whenever
you die, if manhood, good manhood, hasn’t vanished
from the face of the earth then I’m a dried up herring.There aren’t three good
men left unhanged in England, and one of them is old and fat, God help us,
it’s a bad world, I say.I wish I was a weaver; I could sing psalms,
or anything.I still say, damnation to all cowards.
PRINCE.
How now, wool-sack? what mutter you?
What’s this, wool sack?What are you muttering about?
FAL.
A king's son! If I do not beat thee out of thy kingdom with a dagger
of lath
, and drive all thy subjects afore thee like a flock of
wild-geese, I'll never wear hair on my face more. You Prince of Wales!
A king’s son!If I don’t drive you out of your kingdom with a wooden
dagger, with all your subjects running ahead like a flock
of wild geese, I’ll cut my beard off.You, Prince of Wales!
PRINCE.
Why, you whoreson round man, what's the matter?
Why, you round old son of a bitch, what’s the matter?
FAL.
Are not you a coward? answer me to that:--and Pointz there?
Aren’t you a coward?Answer me that: and Pointz there?
POINTZ.
Zwounds, ye fat paunch, an ye call me coward, by the Lord, I'll
stab thee.
By heaven, you great fatty, if you call me a coward, by God
I’ll stab you.
FAL.
I call thee coward!I'll see thee damn'd ere I call thee coward:
but I would give a thousand pound, I could run as fast as thou canst.
You are straight enough in the shoulders; you care not who sees your
back:call you that backing of your friends? A plague upon such
backing! give me them that will face me.--Give me a cup of sack:
I am a rogue, if I drunk to-day.
I, call you a coward!I’ll see you damned before I call you a coward:
but I would give a thousand pounds, to be able to run as fast as you.
Your shoulders are straight enough; you don’t care who sees your
back: do you call that supporting your friends?Damn such supporters!
Give me ones who’ll face me. – Give me a cup of sack:
I’m a rogue if I’ve had a drink yet today.
PRINCE.
O villain! thy lips are scarce wiped since thou drunk'st last.
You villain!You’ve hardly wiped the last drink off your lips!
FAL.
All is one for that. A plague of all cowards! still say I.
Whatever.Damn all cowards, I still say!
[Drinks.]
PRINCE.
What's the matter?
What’s the matter?
FAL.
What's the matter? there be four of us here have ta'en a thousand
pound this day morning.
What’s the matter?Four of us here stole a thousand
pounds this morning.
PRINCE.
Where is it, Jack? where is it?
Where is it, Jack, where is it?
FAL.
Where is it! taken from us it is:a hundred upon poor four of us!
Where is it!Taken from us, a hundred setting on we poor four!
PRINCE.
What, a hundred, man?
What, a hundred of them, man?
FAL.
I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword with a dozen of them two
hours together. I have 'scaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust
through the doublet, four through the hose; my buckler cut through
and through; my sword hack'd like a hand-saw,--ecce signum! I never
dealt better since I was a man:all would not do. A plague of all
cowards! Let them speak:if they speak more or less than truth,
they are villains and the sons of darkness.
I’m a scoundrel, if I wasn’t in close combat with a dozen of them
for two hours at a stretch.I escaped by a miracle.I’ve taken eight
stabs through my jacket, four through my stockings, my belt has been
chopped to pieces, my sword is notched like a handsaw-
there’s the proof!I never fought better in my life:
not everyone could have done that!Damn all cowards!
Let them explain themselves, and if they say more or less
than the truth, they are villains and devils.
PRINCE.
Speak, sirs; how was it?
Speak, sirs; what happened?
GADS.
We four set upon some dozen,--
We four set on a dozen men –
FAL.
Sixteen at least, my lord.
Sixteen at least, my lord.
GADS.
--and bound them.
And tied them up.
PETO.
No, no; they were not bound.
No, they weren’t tied.
FAL.
You rogue, they were bound, every man of them; or I am a Jew
else, an Ebrew Jew.
You scoundrel, they were tied up, every one of them; otherwise
I’m a Jew, a Jewish Jew.
GADS.
As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us,--
As we were sharing out the money, six or seven new men set on us-
FAL.
And unbound the rest, and then come in the other.
And untied the rest, who then joined in with them.
PRINCE.
What, fought you with them all?
What, did you fight them all?
FAL.
All? I know not what you call all; but if I fought not with fifty
of them, I am a bunch of radish:if there were not two or three
and fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.
All?I don’t know what you mean by all; but if I didn’t fight
fifty of them, I’m a bunch of radishes: If there weren’t fifty-two
or three on poor old Jack, I’m not a man.
PRINCE.
Pray God you have not murdered some of them.
I pray to God you didn’t murder any of them.
FAL.
Nay, that's past praying for: I have pepper'd two of them; two I
am sure I have paid, two rogues in buckram suits. I tell thee what,
Hal, if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse.
Thou knowest my old ward:here I lay, and thus I bore my point.
Four rogues in buckram let drive at me,--
No good praying for that: I’ve drilled holes in two of them; I’m sure
I killed two, two rogues in canvas overalls.I tell you what,
Hal, if I tell you a lie, spit in my face and call me a horse.
You know how I stand in a fight: this was my guard, and I thrust like this.
Four scoundrels in canvas suits set on me –
PRINCE.
What, four? thou saidst but two even now.
What, four?It was two just now.
FAL.
Four, Hal; I told thee four.
Four, Hal; I said four.
POINTZ.
Ay, ay, he said four.
Yes, yes, he said four.
FAL.
These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust at me. I made me no more
ado but took all their seven points in my target, thus.
These four attacked me from the front, and attacked me strongly.I didn’t
mess about but fended off all seven swords with my shield, like this.
PRINCE.
Seven? why, there were but four even now.
Seven?What, there were only four just now.
FAL.
In buckram?
In canvas?
POINTZ.
Ay, four, in buckram suits.
Yes, four, in canvas overalls.
FAL.
Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.
Seven, I swear on my sword, or I’m a villain.
PRINCE.
[aside to Pointz.] Pr'ythee let him alone; we shall have more
anon.
Let him run on; there’ll be more of them soon.
FAL.
Dost thou hear me, Hal?
Are you listening, Hal?
PRINCE.
Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.
Yes, and noting what you say, Jack.
FAL.
Do so, for it is worth the liste
ning to. These nine in buckram
that I told thee of,--
Do, for it’s worth listening to.These nine in canvas
I told you about-
PRINCE.
So, two more already.
So, two more already.
FAL.
--their points being broken,--
With their swords broken –
POINTZ.
Down fell their hose.
Their drawers fell down.
FAL.
--began to give me ground:but I followed me close, came in foot
and hand; and with a thought seven of the eleven I paid.
they began to retreat; but I followed them close, pressing
them hand and foot; and quick as thinking I finished off seven of eleven.
PRINCE.
O monstrous! eleven buckram men grown out of two!
How monstrous, eleven canvas clad men grown from two!
FAL.
But, as the Devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves in Kendal