The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 69
Green came at my back and let drive at me; for it was so dark, Hal,
that thou couldst not see thy hand.
But, as the Devil planned, three bastard knaves in camouflage
came up behind and attacked me; for it was so dark, Hal, one
couldn’t see one’s own hand.
PRINCE.
These lies are like the father that begets them, gross as a mountain,
open, palpable. Why, thou nott-pated fool, thou whoreson, obscene
greasy tallow-keech,--
These lies are like the one who creates them, big as a mountain,
obvious, clear.Why, you blockhead, you son of a bitch, obscene
mound of candle-fat-
FAL.
What, art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the truth the truth?
What, are you mad, are you mad?Isn’t the truth the truth?
PRINCE.
Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal green, when it was
so dark thou couldst not see thy hand? come, tell us your reason:
what sayest thou to this?
Well, how could you see these men on camouflage, when it was
so dark you couldn’t see your hand?Come on, tell us your reason:
what have you got to say to that?
POINTZ.
Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
FAL.
What, upon compulsion? No; were I at the strappado, or all the racks
in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on
compulsion! if reasons were as plentiful as blackberries, I would
give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.
What, because you demand it?No, if I was given the worst torture
in the world, I won’t do as you order me.Give you explanations on
orders!If explanations were as plentiful as blackberries, I wouldn’t give
any man an explanation under duress.
PRINCE.
I'll be no longer guilty of this sin; this sanguine coward, this
bed-presser, this horse-back-breaker, this huge hill of flesh,--
I’ll no longer be guilty of this sin; this boozy coward, this
bed presser, this breaker of horses’ backs, this great hill of flesh-
FAL.
Away, you starveling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's-tongue, you
stock-fish,--
O, for breath to utter what is like thee!--you tailor's-yard, you
sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck,--
Get lost, you famished eelskin, you dried oxtongue, you
dried cod –
Oh, I wish I had the breath to say what you’re like!You
piece of cloth, you scabbard, you bow-case, you broken sword -
PRINCE.
Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again:and, when thou hast
tired thyself in base comparisons, hear me speak but this:--
Well, pause for breath and then carry on: and, when you have
worn yourself out with low comparisons, let me tell you this:
POINTZ.
Mark, Jack.
Take a note of this, Jack.
PRINCE.
--We two saw you four set on four; you bound them, and were masters of
their wealth.--Mark now, how a plain tale shall put you down.--
Then did we two set on you four; and, with a word, outfaced you from
your prize, and have it; yea, and can show it you here in the house:
and, Falstaff, you carried yourself away as nimbly, with as quick
dexterity, and roared for mercy, and still ran and roar'd, as ever I
heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy sword as thou
hast done, and then say it was in fight!
What trick, what device, what starting-hole canst thou now find
out to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?
We two saw you four attack four; you tied them up, and had
their money. – Now see how a simple tale will knock you back –
Then we two set on you four; and, with a word, scared you off
your prize, and we have it; yes, we can show it to you here in this house:
and, Falstaff, you ran away as nimbly, with as much agility,
such roaring for mercy, and you still ran and roared, as any
bull-calf I ever heard.What a slave you are, to hack up your sword
as you have, and then say you were in a fight!
What trick, what cover, what hiding place can you now find
to hide you from this open and obvious shame?
POINTZ.
Come, let's hear, Jack; what trick hast thou now?
Come, let’s hear it, Jack; what trick have you got now?
FAL.
By the Lord, I knew ye as well as he that made ye. Why, hear ye,
my masters:
Was it for me to kill the heir-apparent? should I turn upon the
true Prince? why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules:but
beware instinct; the lion will not touch the true Prince.
Instinct is a great matter; I was now a coward on instinct.
I shall think the better of myself and thee during my life; I for a
valiant lion, and thou for a true prince.But, by the Lord, lads,
I am glad you have the money.--
[To Hostess within.]Hostess, clap-to the doors:watch
to-night, pray to-morrow.--Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold,
all the titles of good fellowship come to you!
What, shall we be merry? shall we have a play extempore?
By the Lord, I recognized you as well as your own fathers would.Why, listen,
my masters:
should I have killed the heir-apparent?Should I attack the
true Prince?Why, you know I am as brave as Hercules: but
look out for instinct; a lion won’t touch a true Prince.
Instinct is very powerful.I was a coward by instinct: I will think better of myself now,
and you – I’m a brave lion, and you are a true prince.But, by heaven, lads,
I’m glad you have the money.Hostess, slam the doors!Party tonight, pray tomorrow! Brave lads, boys, hearts of gold, all good fellowship to you!
What, shall we be merry, shall we put on a show?
PRINCE.
Content; and the argument shall be thy running away.
Why not, and the plot will be you running away.
FAL.
Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!
Ah, no more of that, Hal, if you love me!
[Enter the Hostess.]
HOST.
O Jesu, my lord the Prince,--
Oh Jesus, my lord the Prince-
PRINCE.
How now, my lady the hostess! What say'st thou to me?
Hello there, my landlady!What are you telling me?
HOST.
Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the Court at door would
speak with you: he says he comes from your father.
Well, my lord, there is a nobleman from the Court at the door
who wants to speak to you: he says he’s come from your father.
PRINCE.
Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and send him back
again to my mother.
Tip him a suitable sum for royalties, and send him back
to my mother.
FAL.
What manner of man is he?
What sort of man is he?
HOST.
An old man.
An old man.
FAL.
What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall I give him
his answer?
What is an old man doing out of bed at midnight?Shall I
tell him where to go?
PRINCE.
Pr'ythee, do, Jack
.
Please do, Jack.
FAL.
Faith, and I'll send him packing.
By God, I’ll send him packing.
[Exit.]
PRINCE.
Now, sirs:--by'r Lady, you fought fair;--so did you, Peto;--so did you,
Bardolph:you are lions, too, you ran away upon instinct, you will not
touch the true Prince; no,--fie!
Now, gentlemen – by the Lady, you fought well – so did you, Peto; so did you,
Bardolph: you are lions, too, you ran away on instinct, you wouldn’t
touch the true Prince, no – rubbish!
BARD.
Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
I swear, I ran because the others did.
PRINCE.
Tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff's sword so hack'd?
Now tell me truthfully, how did Falstaff’s sword get so damaged?
PETO.
Why, he hack'd it with his dagger; and said he would swear truth out of
England, but he would make you believe it was done in fight; and
persuaded us to do the like.
Why, he hacked it with his dagger; and he said he would tell any lie
he had to, but he would make you believe it was done in a fight; and
he persuaded us to do the same.
BARD.
Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to make them bleed;
and then to beslubber our garments with it, and swear it was the
blood of true men. I did that I did not this seven year before;
I blush'd to hear his monstrous devices.
Yes, and to stick sharp grasses up our noses to make them bleed;
and then to smear our clothes with it, and swear it was the
blood of brave men.I did something I haven’t done for the last seven years;
I blushed to hear his plans.
PRINCE.
O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years ago, and wert
taken with the manner, and ever since thou hast blush'd extempore.
Thou hadst fire and sword on thy side, and yet thou rann'st away:
what instinct hadst thou for it?
Oh villain, you stole a cup of sack eighteen years ago, and
got a taste for it, and ever since then you can blush at will.
You had numbers and weapons on your side, but you ran away;
what’s your excuse?
BARD.
My lord, do you see these meteors? do you behold these
exhalations?
My lord, do you see these fiery meteors?
PRINCE.
I do.
I do.
BARD.
What think you they portend?
What do you think they predict?
PRINCE.
Hot livers and cold purses.
Hot livers and empty purses.
BARD.
Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.
Anger, my lord, if correctly taken.
PRINCE.
No, if rightly taken, halter.--Here comes lean Jack, here comes
bare-bone.--
[Enter Falstaff.]
How now, my sweet creature of bombast! How long is't ago, Jack,
since thou saw'st thine own knee?
No, arrests, if you get properly taken.Here comes skinny Jack, here comes
the skeleton –
Hello there, my old pile of stuffing!How long ago is it, Jack,
since you saw your own knees?
FAL.
My own knee! when I was about thy years, Hal, I was not an eagle's
talon in the waist; I could have crept into any alderman's thumb-ring:
a plague of sighing and grief! it blows a man up like a bladder.
There's villanous news abroad:here was Sir John Bracy from your
father; you must to the Court in the morning.
That same mad fellow of the North, Percy; and he of Wales, that gave
Amaimon the bastinado, and swore the Devil his true liegeman upon the
cross of a Welsh hook,--what a plague call you him?
My own knees!When I was about your age, Hal, an eagle could have
got its claw round my waist; I could have crept in through an alderman’s thumb ring:
it’s all this sighing and grief! It blows a man up like a bladder.
There’s bad news outside: that was Sir John Bracy from your
father; you must go to court in the morning.
That madman in the North, Percy; he and that Welshman, who
gave a demon a beating, and swore the Devil was his ally on
a blasphemous Welsh cross – what the hell’s his name?
POINTZ.
O, Glendower.
Oh, Glendower.
FAL.
Owen, Owen,--the same; and his son-in-law Mortimer; and old
Northumberland; and that sprightly Scot of Scots, Douglas, that
runs o' horseback up a hill perpendicular,--
Owen, Owen, that’s the one; and his son-in-law Mortimer; and old
Northumberland; and that active Scot, Douglas, who
can ride his horse up a sheer hillside-
PRINCE.
He that rides at high speed and with his pistol kills a sparrow
flying.
The one who can kill a sparrow in flight with a pistol whilst
galloping at high speed.
FAL.
You have hit it.
You’ve hit it.
PRINCE.
So did he never the sparrow.
And he never hit the sparrow.
FAL.
Well, that rascal hath good metal in him; he will not run.
Well, that rascal has a good temperament; he won’t run.
PRINCE.
Why, what a rascal art thou, then, to praise him so for running!
Why, what a rascal you are, then, to praise him for running like that!
FAL.
O' horseback, ye cuckoo! but a-foot he will not budge a foot.
On horseback, you fool!But on the ground he won’t budge.
PRINCE.
Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
Yes Jack, on instinct.
FAL.
I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too, and one Mordake,
and a thousand blue-caps more:
Worcester is stolen away to-night; thy father's beard is turn'd
white with the news:you may buy land now as cheap as stinking
mackerel.
I’ll give you that, on instinct.Well, he’s there too, and someone called Mordrake,
and a thousand Scottish blue-bonnets as well:
Worcester sneaked away this evening; your father’s beard has turned
white with the news: you can buy land now as cheap as rotten mackrel.
PRINCE.
Why then, it is like if there came a hot June, and
this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads
as they buy hobnails, by the hundreds.
Well then, it’s as if it’s a hot June, and if this
civil strife carries on none of the girls will
be able to resist us, they’ll be two a penny.
FAL.
But, tell me, Hal, art not thou horrible afeard? thou being
heir-apparent, could the world pick thee out three such enemies again
as that fiend Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower?
art thou not horribly afraid? doth not thy blood thrill at it?
But tell me, Hal, aren’t you terribly afraid?Being
heir-apparent, could you find three worse enemies in the world
as that demon Douglas, that ghost Percy, and that devil Glendower?
Aren’t you terribly afraid?Doesn’t it make your blood run cold?
PRINCE.
Not a whit, i'faith; I lack some of thy instinct.
Not at all, I
swear; I don’t have your instinct.
FAL.
Well, thou wilt be horribly chid to-morrow when thou comest to
thy father.If thou love life, practise an answer.
Well, you’re going to get an awful telling off tomorrow when
you see your father.If you love life, have an answer ready.
PRINCE.
Do thou stand for my father and examine me upon the particulars
of my life.
You stand in for my father and question me about
my lifestyle.
FAL.
Shall I? content:this chair shall be my state, this dagger my
sceptre, and this cushion my crown.
Shall I?Alright: this chair is my throne, this dagger my sceptre,
and this cushion my crown.
PRINCE.
Thy state is taken for a joint-stool, thy golden sceptre for a
leaden dagger, and thy precious rich crown for a pitiful bald crown.
So we have a wooden stool for your throne, a lead dagger for your
golden sceptre, and a sad bald head for a golden crown.
FAL.
Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee, now shalt
thou be moved.--