The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
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on the praised heels of Bolingbroke
are now shouting, “Oh Earth, give us back our King,
and take this one!" Oh cursed thoughts of men!
The past and the future always seem best; current things worst.
MOWBRAY.
Shall we go draw our numbers, and set on?
Shall we go and gather our forces, and get going?
HASTINGS.
We are time's subjects, and time bids be gone.
We are ruled by time, and this is the time to go.
[Exeunt.]
[Enter Hostess, Fang and his Boy with her, and Snare following.]
HOSTESS.
Master Fang, have you entered the action?
Master Fang, have you made a note of the charges?
FANG.
It is entered.
They are written down.
HOSTESS.
Where 's your yeoman? Is 't a lusty yeoman? will 'a stand to 't?
Where is your constable? Is he a strong chap? Will he do
a good job?
FANG.
Sirrah, where 's Snare?
Sir, where's Snare?
HOSTESS.
O Lord, ay! good Master Snare.
O Lord, yes! Good Master Snare.
SNARE.
Here, here.
Here, here.
FANG.
Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.
Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.
HOSTESS.
Yea, good Master Snare; I have entered him and all.
Yes, good Master Snare; I have laid charges against him.
SNARE.
It may chance cost some of our lives, for he will stab.
There's a chance it could cost some of us our lives, for he will stab.
HOSTESS.
Alas the day! take heed of him; he stabbed me in mine own house,
and that most beastly: in good faith, he cares not what
mischief he does, if his weapon be out: he will foin like any
devil; he will spare neither man, woman, nor child.
Alas! Watch out for him; he stabbed me in my own house,
and in a very beastly way: I swear, he doesn't care what
mischief he does, if only he has his weapon out: he will
fence like the devil, he won't spare men, women or children.
FANG.
If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.
If I can get into a fight with him, I won't be scared of his stabbing.
HOSTESS.
No, nor I neither: I'll be at your elbow.
No, me neither: I'll be by your side.
FANG.
An I but fist him once; an 'a come but within my vice,--
If I can just get one punch at him, if he just comes within range–
HOSTESS.
I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he 's an
infinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang, hold him sure:
good Master Snare, let him not 'scape. A' comes continuantly to
Pie-corner--saving your manhoods--to buy a saddle; and he is
indited to dinner to the Lubber's-head in Lumbert Street, to
Master Smooth's the silkman: I pray ye, since my exion is
entered and my case so openly known to the world, let him be
brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long one for a poor
lone woman to bear: and I have borne, and borne, and borne; and
have been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed off, from this
day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There is no
honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass and
a beast, to bear every knave's wrong. Yonder he comes; and that
arrant malmsey-nose knave, Bardolph, with him. Do your offices,
do your offices, Master Fang and Master Snare, do me, do me, do me
your offices.
I'm almost bankrupt with his disappearing, I swear, he has
an infinite sum owing me. Good Master Fang,
get a good hold of him; good Master Snare, don't let him
escape. He's always coming to Pie Corner–if you'll excuse
me saying so–to buy saddles, and he is invited
to dinner at the Leopard's in Lombard Street with
Master Smooth the silk tailor. I beg you, since my
accusation has been registered and everyone knows
my case, let him be brought in to answer it. A hundred
marks is a large sum for poor single woman to
cope with, and I have coped, and coped, and coped, and
I have been fobbed off, and fobbed off, and fobbed off,
from pillar to post, it's shameful to think of.
This behaviour is most dishonourable, unless a woman
should be an ass, an animal, to carry every
scoundrel's burden.
Here he comes, with that wicked boozy nosed
scoundrel Bardolph with him. Do your jobs, do your
jobs, Master Fang and Master Snare, do your duty
for me.
[Enter Falstaff, Page, and Bardolph.]
FALSTAFF.
How now! whose mare's dead? what's the matter?
What's this! What's all the fuss? What's the matter?
FANG.
Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.
Sir John, I'm arresting you on the accusations of Mistress Quickly.
FALSTAFF.
Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph: cut me off the villain's
head: throw the quean in the channel.
Get lost, scoundrels! Sword out, Bardolph: cut me off the villain's head: throw that slut in the gutter.
HOSTESS.
Throw me in the channel! I'll throw thee in the channel.
Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue! Murder, murder! Ah,
thou honey-suckle villain! wilt thou kill God's officers and the
king's?
Ah, thou honey-seed rogue! thou art a honey-seed, a man-queller,
and a woman-queller.
Throw me in the gutter! I'll throw you in the gutter.
You'd do it would you? You bastard rogue! Murder, murder!
Ah, you homicidal villain! Are you going to kill the representatives of God and King?
Ah, you homicidal rogue! You are a murderer, a killer
of men and women.
FALSTAFF.
Keep them off, Bardolph.
Keep them back, Bardolph.
FANG.
A rescue! a rescue!
Help! They're trying to escape!
HOSTESS.
Good people, bring a rescue or two. Thou wo't, wo't thou?
thou wo't, wo't ta? do, do, thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed!
Good people, lend a hand. So you won't?
You won't? Do it, you rogue! Do it, you murderer!
PAGE.
Away, you scullion! you rampallian! you fustilarian! I'll tickle
your catastrophe.
Get away you scum! You ruffian! You baggage!
I'll make your backside tingle.
[Enter the Lord Chief-Justice, and his men.]
CHIEF JUSTICE.
What is the matter? keep the peace here, ho!
What's going on? Keep the peace here!
HOSTESS.
Good my lord, be good to me. I beseech you, stand to me.
My good lord, treat me well. I beg you, stand up for me.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
How now, Sir John! what are you brawling here?
Doth this become your place, your time and business?
You should have been well on your way to York.
Stand from him, fellow: wherefore hang'st thou upon him?
What's this, Sir John! Why are you brawling here?
Is this suitable for your position, your schedule and your business?
You should ha
ve been well on your way to York.
Stand away from him, fellow: why are you hanging on to him?
HOSTESS.
O my most worshipful lord, an't please your grace, I am a
poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.
O my most worshipful Lord, if it please your Grace, I am a
poor widow from Eastcheap, and he has been arrested at my request.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
For what sum?
For what sum?
HOSTESS.
It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all, all I have.
He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all my substance
into that fat belly of his: but I will have some of it out again,
or I will ride thee o' nights like the mare.
It is more than some, my lord; it is everything I have.
He has eaten me out of house and home; he has put everything I have
into that fat belly of his: but I will have some of it back again,
or I'll become like a nightmare to you.
FALSTAFF.
I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any
vantage of ground to get up.
I think I could ride the mare in the night, given
half a chance.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
How comes this, Sir John? Fie! what man of good temper would
endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed to enforce
a poor widow to so rough a course to come by her own?
How did this happen, Sir John? Really! What true man
could endure this storm of criticism? Aren't you ashamed to make
a poor widow have to take such actions to get her rights?
FALSTAFF.
What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
What's the whole sum that I owe you?
HOSTESS.
Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the money too.
Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in
my Dolphin-chamber, at the round table, by a sea-coal fire, upon
Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the prince broke thy head for
liking his father to a singing-man of Windsor, thou didst swear to
me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me and make me my
lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the
butcher's wife, come in then and call me gossip Quickly? Coming
in to borrow a mess of vinegar; telling us she had a good dish of
prawns, whereby thou didst desire to eat some, whereby I told
thee they were ill for green wound? And didst thou not, when she
was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity with
such poor people; saying that ere long they should call me madam?
And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings?
I put thee now to thy book-oath: deny it, if thou canst.
Well, if you were an honest man, you owe me
the money and yourself. Useful to me on a silver goblet, sitting in the dolphin room, at the round table, with a sea coal
fire, on a Wednesday in Whitsun, when the Prince broke
your head for comparing his father to a pretender to the throne–
you swore to me then, as I was washing your wound,
to marry me, to make me your wife. Can
you deny it? Didn't Keech the butcher's wife come in
at that time and call me neighbour Quickly?–
She was coming in to borrow a little vinegar, telling us she
had a good dish of prawns, and you wanted some to eat,
and I told you that they were not good for an unhealed
wound? And didn't you, when she
had gone downstairs, ask me not to be so
familiar with such poor people, saying that before
long they would be calling me madam? And didn't you
kiss me, and ask me to get you thirty shillings? I
ask you now to swear it on the Bible, deny it if you can.
FALSTAFF.
My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says up and down the
town that her eldest son is like you: she hath been in good case,
and the truth is, poverty hath distracted her. But for these
foolish officers, I beseech you I may have redress against them.
My lord, this is a poor madwoman; she says all around the
town that her eldest son is like you: she has been
in a good position, and the truth is that poverty
has driven her mad. But as for these foolish officers, I
must ask you to let me have my revenge on them.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with your
manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a
confident brow, nor the throng of words that come with such more
than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level
consideration: you have, as it appears to me, practised upon the
easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your uses
both in purse and in person.
Sir John, Sir John, I know perfectly well the way you pervert the truth. Putting on confident looks,
or throwing out this fountain of words in such
an impudent and cheeky fashion, will not persuade me
not to consider this case properly: it seems to me
that you have taken advantage of the generosity of this woman, and made her do your wishes both with
her money and her body.
HOSTESS.
Yea, in truth, my lord.
He certainly has, my lord.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Pray thee, peace. Pay her the debt you owe her, and unpay the
villany you have done her: the one you may do with sterling
money, and the other with current repentance.
Please, be quiet. Pay her the debt you owe her, and undo the
villainy you have done to her: you can do one with good hard
cash, and the other one with a proper apology.
FALSTAFF.
My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply.
You call honourable boldness impudent sauciness: if a man will make
courtesy and say nothing, he is virtuous: no, my lord, my humble
duty remembered, I will not be your suitor. I say to you, I do desire
deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty employment in the
king's affairs.
My Lord, I won't take this rebuke without answering.
What you call impudent cheek is honourable boldness:
you think a man is good if he bounced to you and says nothing:
no, my lord, I recall my humble duty, I won't be hampered
by this suit. I'm telling you, I want these officers to
let me alone, as I am rushing about the King's business.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
You speak as having power to do wrong: but answer
in the effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman.
You speak as if you are entitled to do wrong: live up
to the reputation you claim for yourself, and satisfy
the poor woman.
FALSTAFF.
Come hither, hostess.
Come here, hostess.
[Enter Gower.]
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Now, Master Gower, what news?
Now, Master Gower, what's the news?
GOWER.
The king, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales
Are near at hand: the rest the paper tells.
The king, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales
are close by: the rest is on this paper.
FALSTAFF.
As I am a gentleman.
I swear as I am a gentleman.
<
br /> HOSTESS.
Faith, you said so before.
By God, that's what you said before.
FALSTAFF.
As I am a gentleman. Come, no more words of it.
As I am a gentleman. Come, let's say no more about it.
HOSTESS.
By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to pawn
both my plate and the tapestry of my dining-chambers.
I swear by Heaven that I'm going to have to pawn
both my plate and the tapestries from my dining rooms.
FALSTAFF.
Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking: and for thy walls, a pretty
slight drollery, or the story of the Prodigal, or the German hunting
in water-work, is worth a thousand of these bed-hangings and
these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound, if thou canst.
Come, an 'twere not for thy humours, there's not a better wench in
England. Go, wash thy face, and draw the action. Come, thou must not be
in this humour with me; dost not know me? come, come, I know thou wast
set on to this.
Glasses, glasses are the only things to drink from: for your walls,
a little comic painting, or the story of the Prodigal, or a German
hunting scene, is worth a thousand of these bed curtains,
these moth-eaten tapestries. Make it ten pounds, if you can.