The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 92
I'll do my best, sir; that's all I can offer.
FALSTAFF.
Well said, good woman's tailor! well said, courageous Feeble! thou wilt
be as valiant as the wrathful dove or most magnanimous mouse.
Prick the woman's tailor: well, Master Shallow, deep, Master Shallow.
Well said, dressmaker! Well said, courageous Feeble!
You will be as brave as an angry dove or a stouthearted mouse.
Put down the dressmaker: very good, Master Shallow, excellent, Master Shallow.
FEEBLE.
I would Wart might have gone, sir.
I wish Wart had gone, sir.
FALSTAFF.
I would thou wert a man's tailor, that thou mightst mend him and make
him fit to go. I cannot put him to a private soldier that is the leader
of so many thousands; let that suffice, most forcible Feeble.
I wish you were a man's tailor, then you could repair him and
get him fit to go. I can't make a private soldier out of someone who has to
take care of so many vermin; let that be enough, brave Feeble.
FEEBLE.
It shall suffice, sir.
That is enough, sir.
FALSTAFF.
I am bound to thee, reverend Feeble. Who is next?
I am much obliged, good Feeble. Who's next?
SHALLOW.
Peter Bullcalf o' th' green!
Peter Bullcalf of the green!
FALSTAFF.
Yea, marry, let 's see Bullcalf.
Right, now, let's see Bullcalf.
BULLCALF.
Here, sir.
Here, sir.
FALSTAFF.
'Fore God, a likely fellow! Come, prick me Bullcalf till he roar
again.
By God, a good fellow! Tick off Bullcalf so we can hear him roar.
BULLCALF.
O Lord! good my lord captain,--
O Lord! My good lord captain–
FALSTAFF.
What, dost thou roar before thou art prick'd?
What, roaring already?
BULLCALF.
O Lord, sir! I am a diseased man.
O Lord, sir! I am an ill man.
FALSTAFF.
What disease hast thou?
What disease have you got?
BULLCALF.
A whoreson cold, sir, a cough, sir, which I caught with ringing
in the king's affairs upon his coronation-day, sir.
A rotten cold, sir, a cough, sir, which I got celebrating
the King's business on coronation day, sir.
FALSTAFF.
Come, thou shalt go to the wars in a gown; we will have away thy cold;
and I will take such order that thy friends shall ring for thee.
Is here all?
Come, will make sure you're wrapped up warm; we'll get rid of
that cold; and make sure your friends take over your duties.
Is that the lot?
SHALLOW.
Here is two more called than your number; you must have but four here,
sir; and so, I pray you, go in with me to dinner.
You have two more than you asked for; you only wanted four,
sir; and so, please, come in with me to dinner.
FALSTAFF.
Come, I will go drink with you, but I cannot tarry dinner. I am
glad to see you, by my troth, Master Shallow.
Come, I will have a drink with you, but I can't wait for dinner. I am
glad to see you, I swear, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW.
O, Sir John, do you remember since we lay all night in the windmill
in Saint George's field?
Oh, Sir John, do you remember the time we stopped all night
at the sign of the windmill in St George's?
FALSTAFF.
No more of that, Master Shallow, no more of that.
That's enough of that, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW.
Ha, 'twas a merry night. And is Jane Nightwork alive?
Ha, that was a jolly night. And is Jane Nightwork still alive?
FALSTAFF.
She lives, Master Shallow.
She's still alive, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW.
She never could away with me.
She couldn't stand me.
FALSTAFF.
Never, never; she would always say she could not abide Master
Shallow.
Never, never; she always said she couldn't stand Master Shallow.
SHALLOW.
By the mass, I could anger her to the heart. She was then a bona-roba.
Doth she hold her own well?
I swear, I could drive her mad. She was a fine lass then.
Has she kept her looks?
FALSTAFF.
Old, old, Master Shallow.
She's old, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW.
Nay, she must be old; she cannot choose but be old; certain she 's old;
and had Robin Nightwork by old Nightwork before I came to Clement's Inn.
Yes, she must be old; she can't help being old; it's certain she's old;
she had Robin Nightwork with old Nightwork before I came to Clement's Inn.
SILENCE.
That's fifty-five year ago.
That's fifty-five years ago.
SHALLOW.
Ha, cousin Silence, that thou hadst seen that that this knight and I
have seen! Ha, Sir John, said I well?
Ha, cousin Silence, you should have seen the things this knight
and I have seen! Aren't I right, Sir John?
FALSTAFF.
We have heard the chimes at midnight, Master Shallow.
We have heard the clock strike midnight, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW.
That we have, that we have, that we have; in faith, Sir John, we have:
our watchword was "Hem boys!" Come, let 's to dinner; come, let 's
to dinner: Jesus, the days that we have seen! Come, come.
We have, we have, we have; Sir John, we certainly have:
our motto was “down the hatch, boys!" Come, let's go to dinner,
let's go to dinner: Jesus, the times we had! Come, come.
[Exeunt Falstaff and the Justices.]
BULLCALF.
Good Master Corporate Bardolph, stand my friend; and here 's four
Harry ten shillings in French crowns for you.
In very truth, sir, I had as lief be hanged, sir, as go: and yet,
for mine own part, sir, I do not care; but rather, because I am
unwilling, and, for mine own part, have a desire to stay with my
friends; else, sir, I did not care, for mine own part, so much.
Good master Corporate Bardolph, be on my side and I have
a pound in French crowns for you.
To tell the truth, Sir, I would just as soon be hanged, as go:
not on my own account, sir, I don't care about that; but because I
want to stay with my friends; otherwise, Sir,
for myself, I don't care so much.
BARDOLPH.
Go to; stand aside.
Get away with you; stand aside.
MOULDY.
And, good master corporal captain, for my old dame's sake, stand my
friend: she has nobody to do any thing about her when I am gone;
and she is old, and cannot help herself: you shall have forty, sir.
And, good master corporal captain, for the sake of my old woman,
do me a favour: she has nobody to help if I go;
and she is old, she can't help herself: I'll give you two pounds, Sir.
BARDOLPH.
Go to; stand aside.
Get away with you, stand aside.
FEEBLE.
By my troth, I care not; a man can die but once; we owe God a death:
I'll ne'er bear a
base mind: an 't be my destiny, so; an 't be not, so:
no man's too good to serve 's prince; and let it go which way it will, he
that dies this year is quit for the next.
I swear, I don't care; and man can only die once; we owe God a death:
I won't behave dishonourably: if it is my destiny, so be it, if it's not, so be it:
no man is too good to serve a Prince; whatever happens, anyone
who dies this year won't have to pay next year.
BARDOLPH.
Well said; th'art a good fellow.
Well said; you are good fellow.
FEEBLE.
Faith, I'll bear no base mind.
I swear, I shan't be dishonourable.
[Re-enter Falstaff and the Justices.]
FALSTAFF.
Come, sir, which men shall I have?
Come, sir, which men shall I take?
SHALLOW.
Four of which you please.
Whichever four you want.
BARDOLPH.
Sir, a word with you: I have three pound to free Mouldy and
Bullcalf.
Sir, a word with you: I've been offered three pounds to
excuse Mouldy and Bullcalf.
FALSTAFF.
Go to; well.
Right, that's fine.
SHALLOW.
Come, Sir John, which four will you have?
Come, Sir John, which four will you choose?
FALSTAFF.
Do you choose for me.
You choose for me.
SHALLOW.
Marry, then, Mouldy, Bullcalf, Feeble, and Shadow.
Well then, Mouldy, Bullcalf, Feeble, and Shadow.
FALSTAFF.
Mouldy and Bullcalf: for you, Mouldy, stay at home till you are past
service; and for your part, Bullcalf, grow till you come unto it:
I will none of you.
Mouldy and Bullcalf: you, Mouldy, stay at home until you are too old
to serve; as for you, Bullcalf, wait until you are old enough for it:
I don't want either of you.
SHALLOW.
Sir John, Sir John, do not yourself wrong: they are your likeliest
men, and I would have you served with the best.
Sir John, Sir John, don't do yourself down: they are the best
men available, and I want you to have the best.
FALSTAFF.
Will you tell me, Master Shallow, how to choose a man? Care I for the
limb, the thewes, the stature, bulk, and big assemblance of a man!
Give me the spirit, Master Shallow. Here's Wart; you see what a ragged
appearance it is: a' shall charge you and discharge you with the
motion of a pewterer's hammer, come off and on swifter than he that
gibbets on the brewer's bucket.
And this same half-faced fellow, Shadow; give me this man: he
presents no mark to the enemy; the foeman may with as great aim level
at the edge of a penknife.
And for a retreat; how swiftly will this Feeble the woman's tailor
run off! O, give me the spare men, and spare me the great ones.
Put me a caliver into Wart's hand, Bardolph.
Will you tell me, Master Shallow how to select my men? What do I care about
the build, muscles, height, bulk and appearance of a man!
It's the spirit that's important, Master Shallow. Here is Wart; you can see
what a shabby fellow who looks: but he will load and fire quicker
than a metalworker's hammer, advance and retreat quicker than a
bucket on a pulley.
And this skinny fellow, Shadow; give me this man: he
makes no target for the enemy; he might just as well try and hit
the edge of a penknife.
And in a retreat, how quickly this Feeble the dressmaker
will run off! Give me the weak men, don't give me great ones.
Put a musket into Wart's hand, Bardolph.
BARDOLPH.
Hold, Wart, traverse; thus, thus, thus.
Wait, Wart, march; left right left right.
FALSTAFF.
Come, manage me your caliver. So: very well: go to: very good,
exceeding good. O, give me always a little, lean, old, chapt,
bald shot. Well said, i' faith, Wart; thou'rt a good scab: hold,
there's a tester for thee.
Come, show how you use your musket. Yes, very good, very good,
exceedingly good. Always give me a small, thin, old, dried up,
reject marksman. Well done indeed, Wart; you're a good rascal:
wait, here's a sixpence for you.
SHALLOW.
He is not his craft's master; he doth not do it right. I remember at
Mile-end Green, when I lay at Clement's Inn,--I was then Sir Dagonet in
Arthur's show,--there was a little quiver fellow, and a' would manage
you his piece thus; and a' would about and about, and come you in and
come you in: "rah, tah, tah," would a' say; "bounce" would a' say; and
away again would a' go, and again would 'a come: I shall ne'er see
such a fellow.
He's not the master of his craft; he's not doing it right. I remember
Mile End Green, when I was at Clement's Inn–I used to play the part of
Arthur's fool in a show–there was a little archer, and he would
show you his piece like this: he would go round and round,
out and back, “ta ra ra" he would say; he would say “bounce"; and
off he would go again, and then come back: I never saw
anyone like it.
FALSTAFF.
These fellows will do well. Master Shallow, God keep you, Master Silence:
I will not use many words with you. Fare you well, gentlemen both:
I thank you: I must a dozen mile to-night. Bardolph, give the soldiers
coats.
These fellows will do well. Master Shallow, God bless you, Master Silence:
I won't say too much to you. Farewell, both you gentlemen:
I thank you: I have to go a dozen miles tonight. Bardolph, give the soldiers
coats.
SHALLOW.
Sir John, the Lord bless you! God prosper your affairs! God send us
peace! At your return visit our house; let our old acquaintance be
renewed: peradventure I will with ye to the court.
Sir John, Lord bless you! May God make you prosperous! May God bring us
peace! When you come back, visit me; let our old friendship be
renewed: perhaps I'll go with you to court.
FALSTAFF.
'Fore God, I would you would.
By God, I wish you would.
SHALLOW.
Go to; I have spoke at a word. God keep you.
Off you go; I mean what I say. May God preserve you.
FALSTAFF.
Fare you well, gentle gentlemen.
[Exeunt Justices.]
On, Bardolph; lead the men away.
[Exeunt Bardolph, Recruits, &c.]
As I return, I will fetch off these justices: I do see the bottom
of Justice Shallow.
Lord, Lord, how subject we old men are to this vice of lying!
This same starved justice hath done nothing but prate to me of the
wildness of his youth, and the feats he hath done about Turnbull
Street; and every third word a lie, duer paid to the hearer than the
Turk's tribute. I do remember him at Clement's Inn like a man made
after supper of a cheese-paring: when a' was naked, he was, for all
the world, like a fork'd radish, with a head fantastically carved upon
it with a knife: a' was so forlorn, that his dimensions to any thick
sight were invincible: a' was the very genius of famine; yet lechero
us
as a monkey, and the whores called him mandrake: a' came ever in the
rearward of the fashion, and sung those tunes to the overscutch'd
huswifes that he heard the carmen whistle, and sware they were his
fancies or his good-nights.
And now is this Vice's dagger become a squire, and talks as familiarly
of John a Gaunt as if he had been sworn brother to him; and I'll be
sworn a' ne'er saw him but once in the Tilt-yard; and then he burst
his head for crowding among the marshal's men.
I saw it, and told John a Gaunt he beat his own name; for you might
have thrust him and all his apparel into an eel-skin; the case of a
treble hautboy was a mansion for him, a court: and now has he land
and beefs.
Well, I'll be acquainted with him, if I return; and it shall go hard
but I'll make him a philosopher's two stones to me: if the young dace
be a bait for the old pike, I see no reason in the law of nature but I
may snap at him.
Let time shape, and there an end.
Farewell, gentle gentlemen.
On, Bardolph, take the men away.
When I come back I shall fleece these justices.