The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 195
before a most noble judge, my master the king.
Chamberlain
This is the king's ring.
This is the king's ring.
SURREY
'Tis no counterfeit.
It's not a fake.
SUFFOLK
'Tis the right ring, by heaven: I told ye all,
When ye first put this dangerous stone a-rolling,
'Twould fall upon ourselves.
I swear, it's the true ring: I told you all,
when you first started this dangerous stone rolling,
that it would fall on us.
NORFOLK
Do you think, my lords,
The king will suffer but the little finger
Of this man to be vex'd?
Do you think, my lords,
that the King will allow just one little finger
of this man to be harmed?
Chancellor
'Tis now too certain:
How much more is his life in value with him?
Would I were fairly out on't!
That's now obvious:
so how much more valuable will his life be to him?
I wish I was out of this business!
CROMWELL
My mind gave me,
In seeking tales and informations
Against this man, whose honesty the devil
And his disciples only envy at,
Ye blew the fire that burns ye: now have at ye!
I had my suspicions,
that in looking for gossip and information
against this man, whose honesty makes
the devil and his disciples envious,
that you were stoking the fire that would burn you: now you're for it!
Enter KING, frowning on them; takes his seat
GARDINER
Dread sovereign, how much are we bound to heaven
In daily thanks, that gave us such a prince;
Not only good and wise, but most religious:
One that, in all obedience, makes the church
The chief aim of his honour; and, to strengthen
That holy duty, out of dear respect,
His royal self in judgment comes to hear
The cause betwixt her and this great offender.
Mighty King, we give heaven thanks
every day for giving us such a prince;
not only good and wise, but also most religious:
one who, with all obedience, makes the church
the central pillar of his honour; and, to enhance
that holy duty, out of sweet respect,
he has come himself to judge the case
between the church and this great offender.
KING HENRY VIII
You were ever good at sudden commendations,
Bishop of Winchester. But know, I come not
To hear such flattery now, and in my presence;
They are too thin and bare to hide offences.
To me you cannot reach, you play the spaniel,
And think with wagging of your tongue to win me;
But, whatsoe'er thou takest me for, I'm sure
Thou hast a cruel nature and a bloody.
You were always good at off-the-cuff compliments,
Bishop of Winchester. But you should know, I have not come
here to hear such flattery to my face;
it's too threadbare to hide your offences.
You act towards me like a spaniel, to me who is so much higher than you,
and think that you can win me over with your words;
but, whoever you think I am, I'm certain
that your nature is cruel and bloody.
To CRANMER
Good man, sit down. Now let me see the proudest
He, that dares most, but wag his finger at thee:
By all that's holy, he had better starve
Than but once think this place becomes thee not.
Good man, sit down. Now let me see the most arrogant man,
the most daring, just point his finger at you:
by all that is holy, he would be better off starving
than to even think you don't deserve your place here.
SURREY
May it please your grace,--
If your Grace pleases–
KING HENRY VIII
No, sir, it does not please me.
I had thought I had had men of some understanding
And wisdom of my council; but I find none.
Was it discretion, lords, to let this man,
This good man,--few of you deserve that title,--
This honest man, wait like a lousy footboy
At chamber--door? and one as great as you are?
Why, what a shame was this! Did my commission
Bid ye so far forget yourselves? I gave ye
Power as he was a counsellor to try him,
Not as a groom: there's some of ye, I see,
More out of malice than integrity,
Would try him to the utmost, had ye mean;
Which ye shall never have while I live.
No, sir, I am not pleased.
I thought I had men of some knowledge
and wisdom on my counsel; I find I have none.
Was it polite, lords, to let this man,
this good man–few of you deserve to be called that–
this honest man, wait like a lousy footman
at the door of the room? Someone as great as you are?
Why, how shameful this was! Did my orders
tell you to behave so shamefully? I gave you
permission to try him as a counsellor,
not like a groom: there are some of you, I see,
who would hound him to death, more out of
malice and integrity, if you had the power;
which you shall never have whilst I'm alive.
Chancellor
Thus far,
My most dread sovereign, may it like your grace
To let my tongue excuse all. What was purposed
Concerning his imprisonment, was rather,
If there be faith in men, meant for his trial,
And fair purgation to the world, than malice,
I'm sure, in me.
In this matter,
my great Majesty, please allow
me to speak for everyone. The intention
of imprisoning him was to make sure,
if there are still good men, for him to have a fair trial,
and show his innocence to the world, it wasn't
done out of any malice, speaking for myself.
KING HENRY VIII
Well, well, my lords, respect him;
Take him, and use him well, he's worthy of it.
I will say thus much for him, if a prince
May be beholding to a subject, I
Am, for his love and service, so to him.
Make me no more ado, but all embrace him:
Be friends, for shame, my lords! My Lord of
Canterbury,
I have a suit which you must not deny me;
That is, a fair young maid that yet wants baptism,
You must be godfather, and answer for her.
Well, well, my lords, show him respect;
take him, and treat him well, he deserves it.
I will say this for him, if a Prince
can be in debt to a subject, I
am to him, for his love and service.
Let's have no more fuss, everyone embrace him:
be friends, for shame, my lords! My Lord of Canterbury,
I have some business which you must do for me;
that is, there is a sweet young girl who needs baptising;
you must be her godfather, and answer for her.
CRANMER
The greatest monarch now alive may glory
In such an honour: how may I deserve it
That am a poor and humble subject to you?
The greatest monarch now
living would find this
a glorious honour: how can I deserve it
when I am just a poor humble subject of yours?
KING HENRY VIII
Come, come, my lord, you'ld spare your spoons: you
shall have two noble partners with you; the old
Duchess of Norfolk, and Lady Marquess Dorset: will
these please you?
Once more, my Lord of Winchester, I charge you,
Embrace and love this man.
Come, come, my Lord, do you want to avoid having to give a christening present?
You shall have two noble partners in the business; the old
Duchess of Norfolk, and Lady Marquess Dorset: will they suit you?
Once more, my Lord Winchester, I'll order you,
embrace and love this man.
GARDINER
With a true heart
And brother-love I do it.
I do it with a true heart
and brotherly love.
CRANMER
And let heaven
Witness, how dear I hold this confirmation.
And may Heaven witness
how much this action means to me.
KING HENRY VIII
Good man, those joyful tears show thy true heart:
The common voice, I see, is verified
Of thee, which says thus, 'Do my Lord of Canterbury
A shrewd turn, and he is your friend for ever.'
Come, lords, we trifle time away; I long
To have this young one made a Christian.
As I have made ye one, lords, one remain;
So I grow stronger, you more honour gain.
Good man, your joyful tears show your true heart:
I see the common opinion of you is true,
which says, ‘Do my Lord of Canterbury
a good turn, and he will be your friend forever.’
Come, Lords, we are wasting time; I long
to have this baby made a Christian.
As I have unified you, lords, remain unified;
so as I grow stronger, you will gain more honour.
Exeunt
Noise and tumult within. Enter Porter and his Man
Porter
You'll leave your noise anon, ye rascals: do you
take the court for Paris-garden? ye rude slaves,
leave your gaping.
You'll stop your noise soon, you rascals: do you
think the court is a pleasure ground? You rude slaves,
stop your shouting.
Person within
Good master porter, I belong to the larder.
Good master porter, I work in the larder.
Porter
Belong to the gallows, and be hanged, ye rogue! is
this a place to roar in? Fetch me a dozen crab-tree
staves, and strong ones: these are but switches to
'em. I'll scratch your heads: you must be seeing
christenings? do you look for ale and cakes here,
you rude rascals?
Go and work on the gallows, and be hanged, you rogue! Is
this is a place for shouting? Fetch me a dozen crabtree
sticks, strong ones: these ones are just like twigs in
comparison. I'll scratch your heads: do you have to see
a christening? Are you hoping for free cakes and ale,
you rough scoundrels?
Man
Pray, sir, be patient: 'tis as much impossible--
Unless we sweep 'em from the door with cannons--
To scatter 'em, as 'tis to make 'em sleep
On May-day morning; which will never be:
We may as well push against Powle's, as stir em.
Please, Sir, calm yourself: it's just as impossible–
unless we clear them from the door with cannon–
to disperse them, as it is to get them to sleep
on the morning of May Day; that will never happen:
we might as well try and shift St Paul's as move them.
Porter
How got they in, and be hang'd?
How did they get in, dammit?
Man
Alas, I know not; how gets the tide in?
As much as one sound cudgel of four foot--
You see the poor remainder--could distribute,
I made no spare, sir.
Alas, I don't know; how does the tide come in?
I gave out as much punishment
as a good solid four foot club could distribute;
you can see there's not much of it left, sir.
Porter
You did nothing, sir.
You did nothing, sir.
Man
I am not Samson, nor Sir Guy, nor Colbrand,
To mow 'em down before me: but if I spared any
That had a head to hit, either young or old,
He or she, cuckold or cuckold-maker,
Let me ne'er hope to see a chine again
And that I would not for a cow, God save her!
I am not Samson, nor Sir Guy, nor Colbrand,
which would let me chop them all down: but if I spared anyone
who had a head to hit, either young or old,
male or female, cheat or cheater,
may I never have another woman
never again!
Within
Do you hear, master porter?
Are you listening, master porter?
Porter
I shall be with you presently, good master puppy.
Keep the door close, sirrah.
I'll be with you shortly, my little puppy.
Keep the door closed, sir.
Man
What would you have me do?
What do you want me to do?
Porter
What should you do, but knock 'em down by the
dozens? Is this Moorfields to muster in? or have
we some strange Indian with the great tool come to
court, the women so besiege us? Bless me, what a
fry of fornication is at door! On my Christian
conscience, this one christening will beget a
thousand; here will be father, godfather, and all together.
What should you do, but knock them down by the
dozen? Is this Moorfield for them to gather in its? Or have
we got some big strapping Indian brought to the
court, so that the women are desperate to get in? Good heavens,
what a great mess of spawn is at the door! I swear
by my faith, this christening will create a
thousand others; all the godfathers will become fathers, altogether.
Man
The spoons will be the bigger, sir. There is a
fellow somewhat near the door, he should be a
brazier by his face, for, o' my conscience, twenty
of the dog-days now reign in's nose; all that stand
about him are under the line, they need no other
penance: that fire-drake did I hit three times on
the head, and three times was his nose discharged
against me; he stands there, like a mortar-piece, to
blow us. There was a haberdasher's wife of small
wit near him, that railed upon me till her pinked
porringer fell off her head, for kindling such a
combustion in the state. I missed the meteor once,
and hit that woman; who cried out 'Clubs!' when I
might see from far some forty truncheoners draw to
her succor, which were the hope o' the Strand, where
she was quartered. They fell on; I made good my
place: at length they came to the broom-staff to
me; I defied 'em still: when suddenly a file of
boys behind 'em, loose shot, delivered such a shower
of pebbles, that I was fain to draw mine honour in,
and let 'em win the work: the devil was amongst
> 'em, I think, surely.
There will be more christening spoons, Sir: there is a fellow
rather close to the door, he's a brass smith by
the look of him,
for I swear that he looks as if he's been out burning in the sun;
all the ones who stand around him are
below him, they need no other punishment: that
firebrand I hit three times on the head, and three
times he blew his nose at me; he's standing there
like a mortar to blow us down. There was a
silly haberdasher's wife standing near him, who shrieked
at me until her pink cap fell off her head, which started such a commotion. I missed the fellow
once, and hit that woman, who cried out
‘Clubs’, and I saw far off some forty apprentices
draw their clubs to help her, they were all from
the Strand where she has her shop; they attacked,
I defended my place well; eventually they came to
close quarters, I still resisted them, when suddenly a
group of boys behind them, skirmishers, threw such a
shower of pebbles, that I had to withdraw
and let them capture the Castle; I think the devil was
helping them.
Porter
These are the youths that thunder at a playhouse,
and fight for bitten apples; that no audience, but
the tribulation of Tower-hill, or the limbs of
Limehouse, their dear brothers, are able to endure.
I have some of 'em in Limbo Patrum, and there they
are like to dance these three days; besides the
running banquet of two beadles that is to come.
These are the youths that roar at the Playhouse,
and fight for half eaten apples; nobody but
the crowds at the executions or the residents of
Limehouse, their dear brothers, can tolerate them.