The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 197
should have play for lack of work. Would, for the
king's sake, he were living! I think it would be
the death of the king's disease.
This young lady had a father–oh how sad
it is to say ‘had’!–whose skill was almost as great
as his honesty; if it had been he could have made
mankind immortal, and death would have had
time on his hands through lack of work. I wish he were alive,
for the King's sake! I think he would have
killed off the King's disease.
LAFEU
How called you the man you speak of, madam?
What was the name of this man you speak of, madam?
COUNTESS
He was famous, sir, in his profession, and it was
his great right to be so: Gerard de Narbon.
He was famous in his profession, Sir, and
he had every right to be: Gerard de Narbon.
LAFEU
He was excellent indeed, madam: the king very
lately spoke of him admiringly and mourningly: he
was skilful enough to have lived still, if knowledge
could be set up against mortality.
He was indeed a great man, madam: just recently
the King spoke of him admiringly and sadly: he
had the skills to still be alive, if knowledge
could triumph over death.
BERTRAM
What is it, my good lord, the king languishes of?
What is the nature of the King's illness, my good lord?
LAFEU
A fistula, my lord.
He has a fistula, my Lord.
BERTRAM
I heard not of it before.
I have never heard of that.
LAFEU
I would it were not notorious. Was this gentlewoman
the daughter of Gerard de Narbon?
I wish nobody had. Was this young lady
the daughter of Gerard de Narbon?
COUNTESS
His sole child, my lord, and bequeathed to my
overlooking. I have those hopes of her good that
her education promises; her dispositions she
inherits, which makes fair gifts fairer; for where
an unclean mind carries virtuous qualities, there
commendations go with pity; they are virtues and
traitors too; in her they are the better for their
simpleness; she derives her honesty and achieves her goodness.
His only child, my lord, and left in my care.
I have high hopes for her due to
the education she has received; she has inherited
a good character which improves her gifts; when
an unclean mind has good qualities, praise
goes along with pity; they are virtues
but they are corrupted; in her they are better for her
innocence; she inherits her honesty and has worked for her goodness.
LAFEU
Your commendations, madam, get from her tears.
Your praise has made her cry, madam.
COUNTESS
'Tis the best brine a maiden can season her praise
in. The remembrance of her father never approaches
her heart but the tyranny of her sorrows takes all
livelihood from her cheek. No more of this, Helena;
go to, no more; lest it be rather thought you affect
a sorrow than have it.
Tears give the best salt for a girl to flavour her praise with.
She can never remember her father
without her great sorrow draining all the colour from her cheeks.
Stop this, Helena; come on, stop it, you don't want people to think
that your sorrow isn't genuine.
HELENA
I do affect a sorrow indeed, but I have it too.
I am making a show of mourning, but it is genuine.
LAFEU
Moderate lamentation is the right of the dead,
excessive grief the enemy to the living.
The dead have a right to expect a little mourning,
but excessive grief damages the living.
COUNTESS
If the living be enemy to the grief, the excess
makes it soon mortal.
If those who are alive fight against the grief,
it will soon die.
BERTRAM
Madam, I desire your holy wishes.
Madam, I want your blessing.
LAFEU
How understand we that?
What does that mean?
COUNTESS
Be thou blest, Bertram, and succeed thy father
In manners, as in shape! thy blood and virtue
Contend for empire in thee, and thy goodness
Share with thy birthright! Love all, trust a few,
Do wrong to none: be able for thine enemy
Rather in power than use, and keep thy friend
Under thy own life's key: be cheque'd for silence,
But never tax'd for speech. What heaven more will,
That thee may furnish and my prayers pluck down,
Fall on thy head! Farewell, my lord;
'Tis an unseason'd courtier; good my lord,
Advise him.
Bertram, may you have the blessing of copying your father's
manners as well as his shape! Your passion and your virtues
fight to rule over you, and your goodness
fights with your inheritance! Love everyone, only trust a few,
do no harm to any; be prepared for your enemy
but don't attack him, and defend your friends
with your life: don't be too quiet,
but don't talk too much.May whatever else heaven will allow,
and my prayers get for you,
fall upon your head! Farewell, my lord;
he is not used to courts; my good lord,
look after him.
LAFEU
He cannot want the best
That shall attend his love.
He will get the best he deserves.
COUNTESS
Heaven bless him! Farewell, Bertram.
May Heaven bless him! Farewell, Bertram.
Exit
BERTRAM
[To HELENA] The best wishes that can be forged in
your thoughts be servants to you! Be comfortable
to my mother, your mistress, and make much of her.
May your thoughts be full of goodness! Be good
to my mother, your mistress, and look after her.
LAFEU
Farewell, pretty lady: you must hold the credit of
your father.
Goodbye, pretty lady: be a credit to your father.
Exeunt BERTRAM and LAFEU
HELENA
O, were that all! I think not on my father;
And these great tears grace his remembrance more
Than those I shed for him. What was he like?
I have forgot him: my imagination
Carries no favour in't but Bertram's.
I am undone: there is no living, none,
If Bertram be away. 'Twere all one
That I should love a bright particular star
And think to wed it, he is so above me:
In his bright radiance and collateral light
Must I be comforted, not in his sphere.
The ambition in my love thus plagues itself:
The hind that would be mated by the lion
Must die for love. 'Twas pretty, though plague,
To see him every hour; to sit and draw
His arched brows, his hawking eye, his curls,
In our heart's table; heart too capable
Of every line and trick of his sweet favour:
But now he's gone, and my idolatrous fancy
Must sanctify his reliques. Who comes here?
&nbs
p; Oh if that were all! I'm not thinking of my father:
I am weeping more for the memory of him
than I am for his person. What was he like?
I have forgotten him: my mind
has no love in it except for Bertram.
I am lost: I cannot live at all
without Bertram. I might just as well
be in love with a bright star above
and think I could marry it, he is so far above me:
I must be happy to bathe in his reflected light,
because I cannot get near to him.
And so my love tortures itself:
the deer that wanted to mate with a lion
would die of love. It was lovely, though torture,
to see him all the time, to sit and draw
a picture in my heart of his arched brows,
his sharp eye; my heart knows all too well
every little line of his sweet face:
but now he's gone, and all I have left to worship
are my memories of him. Who's this?
Enter PAROLLES
Aside
One that goes with him: I love him for his sake;
And yet I know him a notorious liar,
Think him a great way fool, solely a coward;
Yet these fixed evils sit so fit in him,
That they take place, when virtue's steely bones
Look bleak i' the cold wind: withal, full oft we see
Cold wisdom waiting on superfluous folly.
It's one of those that goes with him: I love him for what he is,
and yet I know he is a terrible liar,
I think he is very foolish, a complete coward;
yet he is so suited to his flaws
that they look good, when cold virtues
look harsh: it's true that we often see
cold wisdom is not as attractive as foolishness.
PAROLLES
Save you, fair queen!
Greetings, lovely Queen!
HELENA
And you, monarch!
The same to you, King!
PAROLLES
No.
I'm not a king.
HELENA
And no.
And I'm not a Queen.
PAROLLES
Are you meditating on virginity?
Are you thinking about virginity?
HELENA
Ay. You have some stain of soldier in you: let me
ask you a question. Man is enemy to virginity; how
may we barricado it against him?
Yes. You have something of the soldier about you: let me
ask you a question. Man is the enemy of virginity; how
can we resist him?
PAROLLES
Keep him out.
Keep him out.
HELENA
But he assails; and our virginity, though valiant,
in the defence yet is weak: unfold to us some
warlike resistance.
But he attacks, and although our virginity is brave,
it is weak in its defence: tell me a soldier's way
of resisting.
PAROLLES
There is none: man, sitting down before you, will
undermine you and blow you up.
There isn't one: a man, sitting down in front of you, will
get under your defences and blow you up.
HELENA
Bless our poor virginity from underminers and
blowers up! Is there no military policy, how
virgins might blow up men?
Save our poor virginity from these underminers
and blowers up! Is there no military way for
virgins to blow up men?
PAROLLES
Virginity being blown down, man will quicklier be
blown up: marry, in blowing him down again, with
the breach yourselves made, you lose your city. It
is not politic in the commonwealth of nature to
preserve virginity. Loss of virginity is rational
increase and there was never virgin got till
virginity was first lost. That you were made of is
metal to make virgins. Virginity by being once lost
may be ten times found; by being ever kept, it is
ever lost: 'tis too cold a companion; away with 't!
Once virginity has been beaten, men will quickly
be blown up: in fact, the action of blowing him down
will bring your city walls tumbling. It's not part of nature
to preserve virginity. The loss of virginity means the increase
of the population, no virgin was ever born unless
somebody lost their virginity first. You were made
to make virgins. Once your virginity is lost
you can make ten more virgins; if you keep it
there will be no more virgins: it's a cold companion, get rid of it!
HELENA
I will stand for 't a little, though therefore I die a virgin.
I think I'll put up with it for a while, even if it means I died a virgin.
PAROLLES
There's little can be said in 't; 'tis against the
rule of nature. To speak on the part of virginity,
is to accuse your mothers; which is most infallible
disobedience. He that hangs himself is a virgin:
virginity murders itself and should be buried in
highways out of all sanctified limit, as a desperate
offendress against nature. Virginity breeds mites,
much like a cheese; consumes itself to the very
paring, and so dies with feeding his own stomach.
Besides, virginity is peevish, proud, idle, made of
self-love, which is the most inhibited sin in the
canon. Keep it not; you cannot choose but loose
by't: out with 't! within ten year it will make
itself ten, which is a goodly increase; and the
principal itself not much the worse: away with 't!
There's not much to be said for it; it's against
the law of nature. If you defend virginity
then you are attacking your mother; which is a terrible
thing to do. A suicide is a virgin:
virginity murders itself and should be buried
by the roadside, not in the holy ground, as being a terrible
offender against nature. Virginity breeds parasites
like a cheese does; it eats itself right down to the
rind, and so dies feeding itself.
Besides, virginity is testy, arrogant, lazy, made of
self-love, which is the most prohibited sin of
all. Don't hang onto it, you will only lose by
doing so: get rid of it! Within ten years you will have made
ten more virgins, which is a good return; and you won't have lost
much of your capital. Get rid of it!
HELENA
How might one do, sir, to lose it to her own liking?
What should one do, Sir, to lose it in a pleasing manner?
PAROLLES
Let me see: marry, ill, to like him that ne'er it
likes. 'Tis a commodity will lose the gloss with
lying; the longer kept, the less worth: off with 't
while 'tis vendible; answer the time of request.
Virginity, like an old courtier, wears her cap out
of fashion: richly suited, but unsuitable: just
like the brooch and the tooth-pick, which wear not
now. Your date is better in your pie and your
porridge than in your cheek; and your virginity,
your old virginity, is like one of our French
withered pears, it looks ill, it eats drily; marry,
'tis a withered pear; it was formerly better;
marry, yet 'tis a withered pear: will you anything with it?
Let me see; well, y
ou must like someone who doesn't
like virginity;it's a commodity that will go off;
the longer you keep it, the less it is worth: get rid of it
while it's still saleable; give it up when asked.
Virginity, like an old courtier, wears an unfashionable
cap: good quality, but unsuitable: like
brooches and toothpicks, which nobody wears
now. Dates are nicer in pies or in
porridge than eaten raw; and your virginity,
your old virginity, is like one of those dried
French pears, it looks nasty, it's dry to eat; in fact
it's a withered pear: what can you do with it?
HELENA
Not my virginity yet
There shall your master have a thousand loves,
A mother and a mistress and a friend,
A phoenix, captain and an enemy,
A guide, a goddess, and a sovereign,
A counsellor, a traitress, and a dear;
His humble ambition, proud humility,
His jarring concord, and his discord dulcet,
His faith, his sweet disaster; with a world
Of pretty, fond, adoptious christendoms,
That blinking Cupid gossips. Now shall he--
I know not what he shall. God send him well!
The court's a learning place, and he is one—
Your master shall not have my virginity yet,
but he will have thousand loves,
a mother and a mistress and friend,
a phoenix, a captain and an enemy,
a guide, a Goddess and Queen,
a counsellor, a traitoress and a dear one;
his humble ambition, his proud humility,
his clashing harmonies, his sweet discord,
his faith, his sweet disaster; these are all