The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 199
your ladyship's kind permission to go out into the world,
the woman Isbel and I will get by as best we can.
COUNTESS
Wilt thou needs be a beggar?
Will you have to beg?
Clown
I do beg your good will in this case.
I'm begging for your blessing in this case.
COUNTESS
In what case?
In what case?
Clown
In Isbel's case and mine own. Service is no
heritage: and I think I shall never have the
blessing of God till I have issue o' my body; for
they say barnes are blessings.
In Isbel's case and my own. Being a servant
leaves nothing: and I think I will never have the
blessing of God until I have children; for
they say babies are blessings.
COUNTESS
Tell me thy reason why thou wilt marry.
Tell me why you want to get married.
Clown
My poor body, madam, requires it: I am driven on
by the flesh; and he must needs go that the devil drives.
My poor body, madam, demands it: I am driven
by lust; when the devil orders one must obey.
COUNTESS
Is this all your worship's reason?
And this is your only reason?
Clown
Faith, madam, I have other holy reasons such as they
are.
Oh no madam, I have other, holy, reasons; such as they are.
COUNTESS
May the world know them?
Can you tell us?
Clown
I have been, madam, a wicked creature, as you and
all flesh and blood are; and, indeed, I do marry
that I may repent.
Madam, I have been a wicked creature, just like you
and all humans; and so I am marrying
so that I can repent.
COUNTESS
Thy marriage, sooner than thy wickedness.
You will regret your marriage before you regret your wickedness.
Clown
I am out o' friends, madam; and I hope to have
friends for my wife's sake.
I have no friends, madam; I hope people will come
to see me because of my wife.
COUNTESS
Such friends are thine enemies, knave.
Friends like that are your enemies, fool.
Clown
You're shallow, madam, in great friends; for the
knaves come to do that for me which I am aweary of.
He that ears my land spares my team and gives me
leave to in the crop; if I be his cuckold, he's my
drudge: he that comforts my wife is the cherisher
of my flesh and blood; he that cherishes my flesh
and blood loves my flesh and blood; he that loves my
flesh and blood is my friend: ergo, he that kisses
my wife is my friend. If men could be contented to
be what they are, there were no fear in marriage;
for young Charbon the Puritan and old Poysam the
Papist, howsome'er their hearts are severed in
religion, their heads are both one; they may jowl
horns together, like any deer i' the herd.
You don't understand, madam, what great friends they are;
the scoundrels come and do for me the things I am tired of.
Someone who ploughs my land gives my horses a rest
and I can still gather the crop; if he's cheating on me, he's my
dogsbody: the one who sleeps with my wife cares for
my flesh and blood; anyone who cares for my flesh
and blood loves my flesh and blood; anyone who loves
my flesh and blood is my friend: therefore whoever kisses
my wife is my friend. If men would be happy to be honest
about who they are, there would be no anxiety in marriage;
young Charbon the puritan and old Poysam the
papist, however much their hearts are separated
by religion, their minds are the same; they can lock horns
with each other like any other deer in the herd.
COUNTESS
Wilt thou ever be a foul-mouthed and calumnious knave?
Will you always be a foulmouthed and slandering scoundrel?
Clown
A prophet I, madam; and I speak the truth the next
way:
For I the ballad will repeat,
Which men full true shall find;
Your marriage comes by destiny,
Your cuckoo sings by kind.
I am a prophet, madam; and I'm telling the truth in my way;
I will repeat the song
which men will know is true;
your marriage comes through fate,
cheating comes through nature.
COUNTESS
Get you gone, sir; I'll talk with you more anon.
Away with you, sir; I'll talk to you more soon.
Steward
May it please you, madam, that he bid Helen come to
you: of her I am to speak.
If it's all right with you madam, ask him to tell Helen
to come here; I need to speak to you about her.
COUNTESS
Sirrah, tell my gentlewoman I would speak with her;
Helen, I mean.
Sir, tell my gentlewoman that I want a word with her;
Helen, I mean.
Clown
Was this fair face the cause, quoth she,
Why the Grecians sacked Troy?
Fond done, done fond,
Was this King Priam's joy?
With that she sighed as she stood,
With that she sighed as she stood,
And gave this sentence then;
Among nine bad if one be good,
Among nine bad if one be good,
There's yet one good in ten.
Was this fair face the reason, she asked,
for the Greeks sacking Troy?
It was done for love, for love,
was this King Priam's delight?
With that she sighed as she stood there,
with that she sighed as she stood there,
and she spoke this sentence;
if there are nine bad people and one good,
if there are nine bad people and one good,
that means there's still one good person in ten.
COUNTESS
What, one good in ten? you corrupt the song, sirrah.
One good in ten? You're twisting the song, Sir.
Clown
One good woman in ten, madam; which is a purifying
o' the song: would God would serve the world so all
the year! we'ld find no fault with the tithe-woman,
if I were the parson. One in ten, quoth a'! An we
might have a good woman born but one every blazing
star, or at an earthquake, 'twould mend the lottery
well: a man may draw his heart out, ere a' pluck
one.
One good woman in ten, madam; which cleans up
the song: if only God could give us that proportion!
If I were the parson I'd be quite happy with
a tenth of womankind. One in ten you say! If we
just had a good woman born for every shooting
start, or when there is an earthquake, it would
improve the odds: a man could tear out his heart before he gets a good one.
COUNTESS
You'll be gone, sir knave, and do as I command you.
You'll get out, you scoundrel, and do as you've been told.
Clown
That man should be at woman's command, and yet no
hurt done! Though honesty be no puritan, yet it
will do no hurt; it will wear the surplice of
humility over the black gown of a big heart. I am
going, forsooth: the business is for Helen to come hither.
That a man should be at a woman's command, and yet
there's no harm done! Honesty is not a puritan,
but it won't do any harm; it will wear the surplice
of humility over theblack gown of a big heart. Alright,
I'm going! You want Helen to come here.
Exit
COUNTESS
Well, now.
Right then.
Steward
I know, madam, you love your gentlewoman entirely.
I know, madam, that you completely love your gentlewoman.
COUNTESS
Faith, I do: her father bequeathed her to me; and
she herself, without other advantage, may lawfully
make title to as much love as she finds: there is
more owing her than is paid; and more shall be paid
her than she'll demand.
Indeed I do: her father left her to me; and she,
having been left nothing else, has a lawful claim
to as much love as she can get; she is owed
more than she is paid; and she will be paid
more than she will ask for.
Steward
Madam, I was very late more near her than I think
she wished me: alone she was, and did communicate
to herself her own words to her own ears; she
thought, I dare vow for her, they touched not any
stranger sense. Her matter was, she loved your son:
Fortune, she said, was no goddess, that had put
such difference betwixt their two estates; Love no
god, that would not extend his might, only where
qualities were level; Dian no queen of virgins, that
would suffer her poor knight surprised, without
rescue in the first assault or ransom afterward.
This she delivered in the most bitter touch of
sorrow that e'er I heard virgin exclaim in: which I
held my duty speedily to acquaint you withal;
sithence, in the loss that may happen, it concerns
you something to know it.
Madam, I was recently closer to her than I think
she would have liked: she was alone and
was talking to herself; I am sure
she didn't know anyone else heard her words.
What she was saying was that she loved your son:
she said that Fortune was no goddess, to have made
them both in such different classes; Love was
no god if he would only apply his force when
people were equal; Diana was no queen of virgins,
this she would allow her poor knight to be surprised,
if he couldn't be rescued in the first attack or ransomed afterwards.
She said all this in the most bitter and sorrowful
manner that I ever heard from a girl: so I thought
that it was my duty to let you know about it as soon as possible;
seeing as what you could lose, it's your business to know what's going on.
COUNTESS
You have discharged this honestly; keep it to
yourself: many likelihoods informed me of this
before, which hung so tottering in the balance that
I could neither believe nor misdoubt. Pray you,
leave me: stall this in your bosom; and I thank you
for your honest care: I will speak with you further anon.
You have done your duty well; keep it to
yourself: there were many things before which made me
suspect this, but it was so finely balanced that
I could neither believe nor disbelieve. Please,
leave me: keep this yourself; and I thank you
for your good service: I'll speak more to you soon.
Exit Steward
Enter HELENA
Even so it was with me when I was young:
If ever we are nature's, these are ours; this thorn
Doth to our rose of youth rightly belong;
Our blood to us, this to our blood is born;
It is the show and seal of nature's truth,
Where love's strong passion is impress'd in youth:
By our remembrances of days foregone,
Such were our faults, or then we thought them none.
Her eye is sick on't: I observe her now.
It was just like this with me when I was young:
this comes from our natures; this thorn
is a proper part of the rose of our youth;
it is as much a part of it as our blood;
it is symbolic of the force of nature,
where the passion of love is embedded in the young:
I can remember the days gone by,
when I had these faults, although we didn't think they were faults then.
She is sick with it: I can see her now.
HELENA
What is your pleasure, madam?
What would you like me to do, madam?
COUNTESS
You know, Helen,
I am a mother to you.
You know, Helen,
that I am a mother to you.
HELENA
Mine honourable mistress.
My honourable mistress.
COUNTESS
Nay, a mother:
Why not a mother? When I said 'a mother,'
Methought you saw a serpent: what's in 'mother,'
That you start at it? I say, I am your mother;
And put you in the catalogue of those
That were enwombed mine: 'tis often seen
Adoption strives with nature and choice breeds
A native slip to us from foreign seeds:
You ne'er oppress'd me with a mother's groan,
Yet I express to you a mother's care:
God's mercy, maiden! does it curd thy blood
To say I am thy mother? What's the matter,
That this distemper'd messenger of wet,
The many-colour'd Iris, rounds thine eye?
Why? that you are my daughter?
No, a mother:
why not a mother? When I said ‘a mother,’
you looked as though you'd seen a snake: what is it about ‘mother,’
that makes you shy away? I tell you, I am your mother;
I include you in the list of the ones
that came from my womb: it is often the case
that adoption fights with nature and breeding
and things from foreign seeds become native.
I never had the pain of giving birth to you,
but I offer you the care of a mother:
good God, girl! Would it kill you
to say I am your mother? Why
are these tears falling from your eyes?
Is it because you are my daughter?
HELENA
That I am not.
I am not your daughter.
COUNTESS
I say, I am your mother.
I'm telling you I am your mother.
HELENA
Pardon, madam;
The Count Rousillon cannot be my brother:
I am from humble, he from honour'd name;
No note upon my parents, his all noble:
My master, my dear lord he is; and I
His servant live, and will his vassal die:
He must not be my brother.
Excuse me, madam;
Count Rousillon cannot be my brother:
I come from a humble background, him from a noble one;
my parents had no fame, his are all noble:
he is my master, my dear lord; and I
live as his servant, and will die the same:
he cannot be my brother.
COUNTESS
Nor I your mother?
So I can't be your mother?
You are my mother, madam; would you were,--
So that my lord your son were not my brother,--
Indeed my mother! or were you both our mothers,
I care no more for than I do for heaven,
So I were not his sister. Can't no other,
But, I your daughter, he must be my brother?
You are my mother, madam; but I wish it was-
that my Lord your son was not my brother-
you are my mother indeed! Or if you were mother to us both,
I would give up heaven
to not be his sister. Can't it be any other way than that
being your daughter, he must be my brother?
COUNTESS
Yes, Helen, you might be my daughter-in-law:
God shield you mean it not! daughter and mother
So strive upon your pulse. What, pale again?
My fear hath catch'd your fondness: now I see
The mystery of your loneliness, and find
Your salt tears' head: now to all sense 'tis gross
You love my son; invention is ashamed,
Against the proclamation of thy passion,
To say thou dost not: therefore tell me true;
But tell me then, 'tis so; for, look thy cheeks
Confess it, th' one to th' other; and thine eyes
See it so grossly shown in thy behaviors
That in their kind they speak it: only sin
And hellish obstinacy tie thy tongue,
That truth should be suspected. Speak, is't so?
If it be so, you have wound a goodly clew;
If it be not, forswear't: howe'er, I charge thee,
As heaven shall work in me for thine avail,
Tell me truly.
Yes Helen, you could be my daughter-in-law.
I hope to God you don't mean it! Daughter and mother