The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  know that I should be at court.

  COUNTESS

  To the court! why, what place make you special,

  when you put off that with such contempt? But to the court!

  The court! What's made you so special

  when you can just lightly say that? The court!

  Clown

  Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners, he

  may easily put it off at court: he that cannot make

  a leg, put off's cap, kiss his hand and say nothing,

  has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap; and indeed

  such a fellow, to say precisely, were not for the

  court; but for me, I have an answer will serve all

  men.

  Honestly, madam, if God has given a man any manners, he

  can fit right in at court: the one who can't

  bend the knee, doff his cap, kiss his hand and say nothing

  doesn't have knees, hands, lips or a cap; and in fact

  to be precise about it a chap like that wouldn't fit

  at court; but as for me, I have an answer for everything.

  COUNTESS

  Marry, that's a bountiful answer that fits all

  questions.

  I say, that's a good answer that would fit all questions.

  Clown

  It is like a barber's chair that fits all buttocks,

  the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn

  buttock, or any buttock.

  It's like a barber's chair that fits all backsides,

  skinny ones, squashy ones, muscular ones

  or any others.

  COUNTESS

  Will your answer serve fit to all questions?

  And your answer will fit all questions?

  Clown

  As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney,

  as your French crown for your taffeta punk, as Tib's

  rush for Tom's forefinger, as a pancake for Shrove

  Tuesday, a morris for May-day, as the nail to his

  hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding queen

  to a wrangling knave, as the nun's lip to the

  friar's mouth, nay, as the pudding to his skin.

  It fits like money in the hand of a lawyer,

  as the clap for a showy fop, like a ring of rushes

  on a peasant's finger, like a pancake on Shrove

  Tuesday, a morris dance on May Day, like a nail

  in itshole, a cuckold with his horn, a scolding Queen

  to an arguing scoundrel, the nun's lip to the

  friar's mouth, like the pudding to its skin.

  COUNTESS

  Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness for all

  questions?

  I'm asking you do you have an answer to fit all questions?

  Clown

  From below your duke to beneath your constable, it

  will fit any question.

  From below a Duke to below your steward, it

  will fit any question.

  COUNTESS

  It must be an answer of most monstrous size that

  must fit all demands.

  It must be an incredibly large answer if

  it suits everything.

  Clown

  But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned

  should speak truth of it: here it is, and all that

  belongs to't. Ask me if I am a courtier: it shall

  do you no harm to learn.

  It's just trifle, honestly, if the educated

  tell the truth of it: here it is, with everything

  about it. Ask me if I am a courtier: it will

  do you no harm to learn.

  COUNTESS

  To be young again, if we could: I will be a fool in

  question, hoping to be the wiser by your answer. I

  pray you, sir, are you a courtier?

  I'd like to learn to be young again if it was possible: I will be a fool

  in my question, hoping that you will give me a wiser answer. Tell me Sir,

  are you a courtier?

  Clown

  O Lord, sir! There's a simple putting off. More,

  more, a hundred of them.

  Oh Lord, sir! There's a simple way of doing it. Ask me more,

  a hundred of them.

  COUNTESS

  Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, that loves you.

  Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, who loves you.

  Clown

  O Lord, sir! Thick, thick, spare not me.

  Oh Lord, sir! Come on, more, don't spare me.

  COUNTESS

  I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely meat.

  I think, sir, that you will not eat this simple meat.

  Clown

  O Lord, sir! Nay, put me to't, I warrant you.

  Oh Lord, sir! No, come on, really test me.

  COUNTESS

  You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.

  You were recently whipped, sir, I believe.

  Clown

  O Lord, sir! spare not me.

  Oh Lord, sir! Do not spare me.

  COUNTESS

  Do you cry, 'O Lord, sir!' at your whipping, and

  'spare not me?' Indeed your 'O Lord, sir!' is very

  sequent to your whipping: you would answer very well

  to a whipping, if you were but bound to't.

  Do you cry, ‘oh Lord, sir!’ when you are whipped, and

  ‘don't spare me?’ In fact your ‘oh Lord, sir!’ follows on

  very closely to your whipping: you would have a very good answer

  for a whipping, if you were handed one.

  Clown

  I ne'er had worse luck in my life in my 'O Lord,

  sir!' I see things may serve long, but not serve ever.

  I never had such bad luck with my ‘oh Lord,

  sir!’ I see things will work for a long time but not for ever.

  COUNTESS

  I play the noble housewife with the time

  To entertain't so merrily with a fool.

  Here I am messing around as if

  I have the time to amuse myself with a fool.

  Clown

  O Lord, sir! why, there't serves well again.

  ‘Oh Lord, sir!’ Why look, now it's working well again.

  COUNTESS

  An end, sir; to your business. Give Helen this,

  And urge her to a present answer back:

  Commend me to my kinsmen and my son:

  This is not much.

  That's enough of that; get on with your business. Give this to Helen,

  and tell her that I want an answer:

  give my regards to my kinsmen and my son:

  it's not much to ask.

  Clown

  Not much commendation to them.

  You don't want me to give them much regards then.

  COUNTESS

  Not much employment for you: you understand me?

  Not much for you to do: do you understand?

  Clown

  Most fruitfully: I am there before my legs.

  Absolutely: I'll be there before you know it.

  COUNTESS

  Haste you again.

  Hurry back.

  Exeunt severally

  Enter BERTRAM, LAFEU, and PAROLLES

  LAFEU

  They say miracles are past; and we have our

  philosophical persons, to make modern and familiar,

  things supernatural and causeless. Hence is it that

  we make trifles of terrors, ensconcing ourselves

  into seeming knowledge, when we should submit

  ourselves to an unknown fear.

  They say there are no more miracles; and we have our

  scientists to make supernatural and unexplainable things

  seem modern and familiar. And so

  we disregard terrors, burying ourselves

  in what we think we know, when actually we should be f
eeling

  some unknown fear.

  PAROLLES

  Why, 'tis the rarest argument of wonder that hath

  shot out in our latter times.

  Why, it's the greatest miracle that has

  happened in our times.

  BERTRAM

  And so 'tis.

  That's true.

  LAFEU

  To be relinquish'd of the artists,--

  To be given up on by the skilled ones-

  PAROLLES

  So I say.

  That's what I mean.

  LAFEU

  Both of Galen and Paracelsus.

  By both Galen and Paracelus.

  PAROLLES

  So I say.

  That's what I'm talking about.

  LAFEU

  Of all the learned and authentic fellows,--

  Of all the genuine learned men-

  PAROLLES

  Right; so I say.

  Yes, that's what I've been saying.

  LAFEU

  That gave him out incurable,--

  They said that he was incurable-

  PAROLLES

  Why, there 'tis; so say I too.

  Yes, I know; that's what I've said.

  LAFEU

  Not to be helped,--

  That he couldn't be helped-

  PAROLLES

  Right; as 'twere, a man assured of a—

  Right; he was a man who had been promised-

  LAFEU

  Uncertain life, and sure death.

  An uncertain life, and certain death.

  PAROLLES

  Just, you say well; so would I have said.

  That's it, you've hit the nail on the head; that's just what I would have said.

  LAFEU

  I may truly say, it is a novelty to the world.

  I really must say, it's quite unheard-of.

  PAROLLES

  It is, indeed: if you will have it in showing, you

  shall read it in--what do you call there?

  It is, indeed: if you want the proof of it you

  shall read it in-what to call it?

  LAFEU

  A showing of a heavenly effect in an earthly actor.

  Divine work on a mortal being.

  PAROLLES

  That's it; I would have said the very same.

  That's the one; just what I would have said.

  LAFEU

  Why, your dolphin is not lustier: 'fore me,

  I speak in respect—

  Why, a dolphin has less energy: I must say,

  I'm talking about-

  PAROLLES

  Nay, 'tis strange, 'tis very strange, that is the

  brief and the tedious of it; and he's of a most

  facinerious spirit that will not acknowledge it to be the—

  No, it's strange, it's very strange, that's

  the long and the short of it: and it would take someone

  with a very wicked spirit to deny that it is-

  LAFEU

  Very hand of heaven.

  Truly the hand of God.

  PAROLLES

  Ay, so I say.

  Yes, that's what I say.

  LAFEU

  In a most weak—

  pausing

  and debile minister, great power, great

  transcendence: which should, indeed, give us a

  further use to be made than alone the recovery of

  the king, as to be--

  pausing

  generally thankful.

  In a very weak–

  (pause)

  And feeble worker, there is great power, unimaginable

  knowledge: and in fact we should use it

  for other things apart from just saving

  the King, so we can be–

  (pause)

  generally grateful.

  PAROLLES

  I would have said it; you say well. Here comes the king.

  That's what I would have said; you've said it well. Here comes the King.

  Enter KING, HELENA, and Attendants. LAFEU and PAROLLES retire

  LAFEU

  Lustig, as the Dutchman says: I'll like a maid the

  better, whilst I have a tooth in my head: why, he's

  able to lead her a coranto.

  Lustig (full of health), as a Dutchman would say: I'll like a girl

  better, whilst I still have teeth: why, he's

  able to run ahead of her.

  PAROLLES

  Mort du vinaigre! is not this Helen?

  Good gracious! Isn't that Helen?

  LAFEU

  'Fore God, I think so.

  By God, I think it is

  KING

  Go, call before me all the lords in court.

  Sit, my preserver, by thy patient's side;

  And with this healthful hand, whose banish'd sense

  Thou hast repeal'd, a second time receive

  The confirmation of my promised gift,

  Which but attends thy naming.

  Go and summon to me all the Lords of the court.

  Sit down, you lifesaver, at your patient's side;

  and from this healthy hand, whose numbness

  you have removed, take for a second time

  the assurance that I will give what I promised,

  I'm just waiting for you to say what you want.

  Enter three or four Lords

  Fair maid, send forth thine eye: this youthful parcel

  Of noble bachelors stand at my bestowing,

  O'er whom both sovereign power and father's voice

  I have to use: thy frank election make;

  Thou hast power to choose, and they none to forsake.

  Fair maid, look them over: all these young

  noble bachelors are mine to give,

  I have the power of a king and of a father

  over them: choose whichever you want;

  you have the power of selection, and none of them can say no.

  HELENA

  To each of you one fair and virtuous mistress

  Fall, when Love please! marry, to each, but one!

  Mayeach of you get a fair and virtuous mistress

  when love thinks the time is right! Just one for each, mind you!

  LAFEU

  I'ld give bay Curtal and his furniture,

  My mouth no more were broken than these boys',

  And writ as little beard.

  I'd give my bay horse and his saddlery,

  to have a full set of teeth like these boys,

  and to be as freshfaced.

  KING

  Peruse them well:

  Not one of those but had a noble father.

  Look them over carefully, every one of them has a noble father.

  HELENA

  Gentlemen, Heaven hath through me restored the king to health.

  Gentlemen, through me heaven has given the King back his health.

  All

  We understand it, and thank heaven for you.

  We know that, and we thank heaven for you.

  HELENA

  I am a simple maid, and therein wealthiest,

  That I protest I simply am a maid.

  Please it your majesty, I have done already:

  The blushes in my cheeks thus whisper me,

  'We blush that thou shouldst choose; but, be refused,

  Let the white death sit on thy cheek for ever;

  We'll ne'er come there again.'

  I am a simple maid, and that's my proudest boast,

  that I am simply a maid.

  If your Majesty permits, I have already chosen:

  the blushes in my cheeks whisper to me,

  ‘we are blushing at your choice; but if you are refused,

  then white death will sit on your cheek forever;

  we will never be back.’

  KING

  Make choice; and, see,

  Who shuns thy love shuns all his love in me.

  Make your choice, and I promise<
br />
  that anyone who rejects your love is rejecting mine as well.

  HELENA

  Now, Dian, from thy altar do I fly,

  And to imperial Love, that god most high,

  Do my sighs stream. Sir, will you hear my suit?

  Now, Diana, I fly away from your altar,

  and go to the emperor of love, the highest god,

  that's where my prayers are going now. Sir, will you listen to my request?

  First Lord

  And grant it.

  And give it.

  HELENA

  Thanks, sir; all the rest is mute.

  Thank you sir; the rest is silence.

  LAFEU

  I had rather be in this choice than throw ames-ace

  for my life.

  I would rather be part of this selection than throw a double one

  for my life.

  HELENA

  The honour, sir, that flames in your fair eyes,