The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  I would you had kneel'd, my lord, to ask me mercy,

  And that at my bidding you could so stand up.

  Then here stands a man who has bought a pardon.

  I wish you had kneeled, my lord, to ask me for mercy,

  so that I could give you permission to stand.

  KING

  I would I had; so I had broke thy pate,

  And ask'd thee mercy for't.

  I wish I had, I wish I'd smacked you on the head

  and asked you for mercy.

  LAFEU

  Good faith, across: but, my good lord 'tis thus;

  Will you be cured of your infirmity?

  By heaven, a good answer: but, my good lord, this is how it stands;

  do you want to be cured of your illness?

  KING

  No.

  No.

  LAFEU

  O, will you eat no grapes, my royal fox?

  Yes, but you will my noble grapes, an if

  My royal fox could reach them: I have seen a medicine

  That's able to breathe life into a stone,

  Quicken a rock, and make you dance canary

  With spritely fire and motion; whose simple touch,

  Is powerful to araise King Pepin, nay,

  To give great Charlemain a pen in's hand,

  And write to her a love-line.

  Oh so my royal fox will have no grapes?

  Yes, you will want the grapes I offer,

  if the Royal Fox can get them: I have seen a medicine

  that can breathe life into a stone,

  get a rock moving, can make you dance

  a passionate lively jig; a drop of this

  would resurrect King Pepin,

  or get great Charlemagne to take up his pen

  and write her a love letter.

  KING

  What 'her' is this?

  Who is the ‘her’ you refer to?

  LAFEU

  Why, Doctor She: my lord, there's one arrived,

  If you will see her: now, by my faith and honour,

  If seriously I may convey my thoughts

  In this my light deliverance, I have spoke

  With one that, in her sex, her years, profession,

  Wisdom and constancy, hath amazed me more

  Than I dare blame my weakness: will you see her

  For that is her demand, and know her business?

  That done, laugh well at me.

  Why, she's a doctor: my lord, she has come here,

  if you will see her: now, by my faith and honor,

  if I can speak seriously

  in this light-hearted tone, I have spoken

  To one who for her sex, her age, her profession,

  her wisdom and loyalty, has impressed me more

  than could be accounted for by any bias: will you see her

  and discover what she wants, for that is what she asks?

  There, I've said it, have a good laugh.

  KING

  Now, good Lafeu,

  Bring in the admiration; that we with thee

  May spend our wonder too, or take off thine

  By wondering how thou took'st it.

  Now then, good Lafeu,

  bring in this miracle, so we can be amazed

  like you, or stop your amazement

  by questioning what you think is so special.

  LAFEU

  Nay, I'll fit you,

  And not be all day neither.

  You watch, I'll show you,

  and I won't be all day about it either.

  Exit

  KING

  Thus he his special nothing ever prologues.

  He always says this about his nonsenses.

  Re-enter LAFEU, with HELENA

  LAFEU

  Nay, come your ways.

  Now come along.

  KING

  This haste hath wings indeed.

  Well, that was pretty quick.

  LAFEU

  Nay, come your ways:

  This is his majesty; say your mind to him:

  A traitor you do look like; but such traitors

  His majesty seldom fears: I am Cressid's uncle,

  That dare leave two together; fare you well.

  Now, come along:

  this is his Majesty; tell him what's on your mind:

  you look like a traitor; but his Majesty

  doesn't fear traitors like you: I am like Cressida's uncle,

  I don't worry about leaving you two together; good luck.

  Exit

  KING

  Now, fair one, does your business follow us?

  Now, beautiful lady, has your business got anything to do with us?

  HELENA

  Ay, my good lord.

  Gerard de Narbon was my father;

  In what he did profess, well found.

  It has my good lord.

  Gerard de Narbon was my father;

  a well respected man in his profession.

  KING

  I knew him.

  I knew him.

  HELENA

  The rather will I spare my praises towards him:

  Knowing him is enough. On's bed of death

  Many receipts he gave me: chiefly one.

  Which, as the dearest issue of his practise,

  And of his old experience the oily darling,

  He bade me store up, as a triple eye,

  Safer than mine own two, more dear; I have so;

  And hearing your high majesty is touch'd

  With that malignant cause wherein the honour

  Of my dear father's gift stands chief in power,

  I come to tender it and my appliance

  With all bound humbleness.

  Then I will not waste your time praising him:

  if you knew him you know how good he was. On his deathbed

  he gave me many recipes: especially one,

  which was the greatest thing he ever made,

  the triumph of his whole career,

  and he told me to value it like a third eye,

  to keep it safer than my own two, more valued; I have done so,

  and hearing your Majesty is suffering

  from that terrible illness which is the one

  my dear father's gift is most effective against

  I have come to offer it and my nursing

  with all due respect.

  KING

  We thank you, maiden;

  But may not be so credulous of cure,

  When our most learned doctors leave us and

  The congregated college have concluded

  That labouring art can never ransom nature

  From her inaidible estate; I say we must not

  So stain our judgment, or corrupt our hope,

  To prostitute our past-cure malady

  To empirics, or to dissever so

  Our great self and our credit, to esteem

  A senseless help when help past sense we deem.

  We thank you, girl;

  but I don't have your faith in this cure,

  when our most educated doctors have given up

  and the whole University has decided

  that their work cannot divert nature

  from taking her course; I do not want

  to be so foolish, or hold out false hopes,

  by renting out this fatal illness

  for quacks to experiment with,

  or to give up my reputation and self-esteem

  by clutching at straws when I know all hope is lost.

  HELENA

  My duty then shall pay me for my pains:

  I will no more enforce mine office on you.

  Humbly entreating from your royal thoughts

  A modest one, to bear me back again.

  Well at least I can say that I have tried:

  I won't force myself on you any more.

  All I ask from your Highness is a small

  Acknowledgement that I’m trying my best.


  KING

  I cannot give thee less, to be call'd grateful:

  Thou thought'st to help me; and such thanks I give

  As one near death to those that wish him live:

  But what at full I know, thou know'st no part,

  I knowing all my peril, thou no art.

  It would be ungrateful to give you any less:

  you meant well; and I give you the thanks

  of a dying man to those who want him to live:

  but you know nothing and I know everything,

  I know the danger I'm in, and you don't know medicine.

  HELENA

  What I can do can do no hurt to try,

  Since you set up your rest 'gainst remedy.

  He that of greatest works is finisher

  Oft does them by the weakest minister:

  So holy writ in babes hath judgment shown,

  When judges have been babes; great floods have flown

  From simple sources, and great seas have dried

  When miracles have by the greatest been denied.

  Oft expectation fails and most oft there

  Where most it promises, and oft it hits

  Where hope is coldest and despair most fits.

  It can't do you any harm to try,

  since you think nothing will do any good.

  The one who has made the greatest works,

  often performs them through the weakest servant:

  so in the Bible babies have shown wisdom

  when wise men have been like babies; great floods have come

  from little streams, and great seas have dried up

  when the greatest have said that miracles can't happen.

  Hope often fails when you think it must come, and it often

  comes when you least expect it.

  KING

  I must not hear thee; fare thee well, kind maid;

  Thy pains not used must by thyself be paid:

  Proffers not took reap thanks for their reward.

  I mustn't listen to you; farewell, kind maid;

  you must reward yourself for your unwanted efforts;

  unwanted offers still get thanks as their reward.

  HELENA

  Inspired merit so by breath is barr'd:

  It is not so with Him that all things knows

  As 'tis with us that square our guess by shows;

  But most it is presumption in us when

  The help of heaven we count the act of men.

  Dear sir, to my endeavours give consent;

  Of heaven, not me, make an experiment.

  I am not an impostor that proclaim

  Myself against the level of mine aim;

  But know I think and think I know most sure

  My art is not past power nor you past cure.

  And so a man rejects inspired goodness:

  it is not so with Him who knows all things

  as it is with us, who demand to see evidence;

  but it is arrogant of us

  to see divine help as being the acts of men.

  Dear sir, give your permission for me to try;

  you will be testing heaven, not me.

  I am not a fraud who is claiming

  that I am as great as my target;

  but I know that I think and I think I definitely know

  that my efforts can win and that you can be cured.

  KING

  Are thou so confident? within what space

  Hopest thou my cure?

  You are that confident? How long

  do you think it would take you to cure me?

  HELENA

  The great'st grace lending grace

  Ere twice the horses of the sun shall bring

  Their fiery torcher his diurnal ring,

  Ere twice in murk and occidental damp

  Moist Hesperus hath quench'd his sleepy lamp,

  Or four and twenty times the pilot's glass

  Hath told the thievish minutes how they pass,

  What is infirm from your sound parts shall fly,

  Health shall live free and sickness freely die.

  With the help of God

  before the horses of the sun have pulled

  their fiery burden twice round his circuit,

  before the evening Star has twice

  extinguished his nightlight in the murk and Eastern damp,

  or twenty-four times the sailor's timer

  has counted off the passing minutes,

  all weakness shall leave your healthy body;

  health will flourish and sickness will die.

  KING

  Upon thy certainty and confidence

  What darest thou venture?

  What would you bet

  on your certainty?

  HELENA

  Tax of impudence,

  A strumpet's boldness, a divulged shame

  Traduced by odious ballads: my maiden's name

  Sear'd otherwise; nay, worse--if worse--extended

  With vilest torture let my life be ended.

  A horrible penalty,

  the brazenness of a whore, a revealed shame

  Sung about in bawdy songs: my honour

  as a virgin smeared; no and worse-if it is worse-I will offer;

  let my life be ended by the most horrible torture.

  KING

  Methinks in thee some blessed spirit doth speak

  His powerful sound within an organ weak:

  And what impossibility would slay

  In common sense, sense saves another way.

  Thy life is dear; for all that life can rate

  Worth name of life in thee hath estimate,

  Youth, beauty, wisdom, courage, all

  That happiness and prime can happy call:

  Thou this to hazard needs must intimate

  Skill infinite or monstrous desperate.

  Sweet practiser, thy physic I will try,

  That ministers thine own death if I die.

  I think perhaps some blessed spirit is speaking through you,

  a powerful sound from a small instrument:

  and what common sense would say is impossible

  another sort of sense says is possible.

  Your life is valuable; for everything that represents

  life is present in you,

  youth, beauty, wisdom, courage, all

  the things that bring us happiness:

  that you are prepared to risk this shows

  either that you have wonderful skill or are desperate.

  Sweet practitioner, I will try your medicine,

  and if I die it will bring death to you.

  HELENA

  If I break time, or flinch in property

  Of what I spoke, unpitied let me die,

  And well deserved: not helping, death's my fee;

  But, if I help, what do you promise me?

  If I break my word, or cannot prove

  what I promised, let me die an unpitied

  and well-deserved death: if I don't help, pay me with death;

  but, if it works, what will you give me?

  KING

  Make thy demand.

  Ask what you want.

  HELENA

  But will you make it even?

  But will you keep the bargain?

  KING

  Ay, by my sceptre and my hopes of heaven.

  Yes, I swear by my sceptre and my hopes of getting to heaven.

  HELENA

  Then shalt thou give me with thy kingly hand

  What husband in thy power I will command:

  Exempted be from me the arrogance

  To choose from forth the royal blood of France,

  My low and humble name to propagate

  With any branch or image of thy state;

  But such a one, thy vassal, whom I know

  Is free for me to ask, thee to bestow.

  Then you shall give me with your royal hand

  any husband I ask for whom you ha
ve the power to give:

  I promise I won't have the arrogance

  to choose from the French royal family,

  to try and mix my low and humble name

  with any part of your family;

  but any other amongst your subjects, whom I know

  it is acceptable for me to ask for, you must give.

  KING

  Here is my hand; the premises observed,

  Thy will by my performance shall be served:

  So make the choice of thy own time, for I,

  Thy resolved patient, on thee still rely.

  More should I question thee, and more I must,

  Though more to know could not be more to trust,

  From whence thou camest, how tended on: but rest

  Unquestion'd welcome and undoubted blest.

  Give me some help here, ho! If thou proceed

  As high as word, my deed shall match thy meed.

  Here's my hand on it; the terms are set,

  you will be rewarded proportional to my recovery:

  so choose your time, for I

  commit myself to you as your patient, and rely on you.

  I would like to ask you some more questions,

  although nothing you could say could increase my trust in you,

  I want to know where you come from, who looks after you: but rest

  assured of your welcome and my blessing.

  Hey! Give me some help here! If you do

  as well as you promise I will pay your just reward.

  Flourish. Exeunt

  Enter COUNTESS and Clown

  COUNTESS

  Come on, sir; I shall now put you to the height of

  your breeding.

  Come on, sir; I'm going to put you through your paces.

  Clown

  I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught: I

  know my business is but to the court.

  I'll show you that I'm well fed and badly taught: I