The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  I will tell the truth. Let me see: Spurio has

  a hundred and fifty; Sebastian the same; Corambus, the same;

  Jaques, the same; Guiltian, Cosmo, Lodowick

  and Gratii all have two hundred and fifty each; my own

  company, Chitopher, Vaumond, Bentii all have

  Two hundred and fifty each: so that the full army,

  fit and unfit, I swear, comes to less than fifteen thousand

  men; half of those dare not shake the snow off their cloaks

  in case they shake themselves to pieces.

  BERTRAM

  What shall be done to him?

  What shall we do with him?

  First Lord

  Nothing, but let him have thanks. Demand of him my

  condition, and what credit I have with the duke.

  Nothing, just thank him. Ask him about me,

  and what the Duke thinks of me.

  First Soldier

  Well, that's set down.

  Reads

  'You shall demand of him, whether one Captain Dumain

  be i' the camp, a Frenchman; what his reputation is

  with the duke; what his valour, honesty, and

  expertness in wars; or whether he thinks it were not

  possible, with well-weighing sums of gold, to

  corrupt him to revolt.' What say you to this? what

  do you know of it?

  Right, that's written down.

  ‘You shall ask him, whether there is a Captain Dumain

  in the camp, a Frenchman; what the Duke

  thinks of him; tell us about his bravery, honesty and

  military prowess; and say whether you think

  it would be possible to bribe him to switch sides

  with a good sum of gold.’ What do you say to that?

  What do you know about it?

  PAROLLES

  I beseech you, let me answer to the particular of

  the inter'gatories: demand them singly.

  May I ask that you let me answer these questions

  exactly: ask them one at a time.

  First Soldier

  Do you know this Captain Dumain?

  Do you know this Captain Dumain?

  PAROLLES

  I know him: a' was a botcher's 'prentice in Paris,

  from whence he was whipped for getting the shrieve's

  fool with child,--a dumb innocent, that could not

  say him nay.

  I know him: he was a tailor's apprentice in Paris,

  but he was kicked out for getting a penniless retard

  pregnant–a dumb innocent, who did not know how

  to say no.

  BERTRAM

  Nay, by your leave, hold your hands; though I know

  his brains are forfeit to the next tile that falls.

  No, if you can, hold back; though I know

  he'll be killed at the next turn of the card.

  First Soldier

  Well, is this captain in the duke of Florence's camp?

  Well, is this captain part of the Duke of Florence's camp?

  PAROLLES

  Upon my knowledge, he is, and lousy.

  Yes I know he is, riddled with vermin.

  First Lord

  Nay look not so upon me; we shall hear of your

  lordship anon.

  There's no need to laugh at me; we'll be hearing about

  your lordship soon.

  First Soldier

  What is his reputation with the duke?

  What does the Duke think of him?

  PAROLLES

  The duke knows him for no other but a poor officer

  of mine; and writ to me this other day to turn him

  out o' the band: I think I have his letter in my pocket.

  All the Duke knows about him is that he is a poor officer

  of mine; he wrote to me the other day telling me to throw him

  out of the army: I think I have his letter in my pocket.

  First Soldier

  Marry, we'll search.

  All right, we'll search.

  PAROLLES

  In good sadness, I do not know; either it is there,

  or it is upon a file with the duke's other letters

  in my tent.

  In all seriousness, I don't know; it's either there,

  or it's in a file with the Duke's other letters

  in my tent.

  First Soldier

  Here 'tis; here's a paper: shall I read it to you?

  Here it is; here's a paper: shall I read it to you?

  PAROLLES

  I do not know if it be it or no.

  I don't know if that's it or not.

  BERTRAM

  Our interpreter does it well.

  Our interpreter is playing his part well.

  First Lord

  Excellently.

  Wonderfully.

  First Soldier

  [Reads] 'Dian, the count's a fool, and full of gold,'--

  ‘Diana, the count's a fool, and very rich,’–

  PAROLLES

  That is not the duke's letter, sir; that is an

  advertisement to a proper maid in Florence, one

  Diana, to take heed of the allurement of one Count

  Rousillon, a foolish idle boy, but for all that very

  ruttish: I pray you, sir, put it up again.

  That is not the Duke's letter, sir; that is

  some advice to a respectable girl in Florence, called

  Diana, to watch out for the attractions of Count

  Rousillon, a lazy foolish boy but very lustful

  for all that: please sir, put it away again.

  First Soldier

  Nay, I'll read it first, by your favour.

  No, I'll read it first, with your permission.

  PAROLLES

  My meaning in't, I protest, was very honest in the

  behalf of the maid; for I knew the young count to be

  a dangerous and lascivious boy, who is a whale to

  virginity and devours up all the fry it finds.

  I must point out that I was trying to take care

  of the girl; for I knew that the young count was

  a dangerous and horny boy, who is a glutton

  for virginity and gobbles up all he can find.

  BERTRAM

  Damnable both-sides rogue!

  Damned two-faced scoundrel!

  First Soldier

  [Reads] 'When he swears oaths, bid him drop gold, and take it;

  After he scores, he never pays the score:

  Half won is match well made; match, and well make it;

  He ne'er pays after-debts, take it before;

  And say a soldier, Dian, told thee this,

  Men are to mell with, boys are not to kiss:

  For count of this, the count's a fool, I know it,

  Who pays before, but not when he does owe it.

  Thine, as he vowed to thee in thine ear,

  PAROLLES.'

  ‘When he swears an oath, tell him to pay in advance;

  once he's got what he wants he'll never pay for it:

  if you've got the money in your pocket then you'll be okay;

  he never pays his debts afterwards, take payment in advance;

  and tell him, Diana, that a soldier told you this,

  that men are the ones for sex, boys aren't even worth getting:

  to sum up, the count's a fool, I know it,

  he pays in advance, but won't settle his debts.

  Yours, as I said to your face,

  Parolles.’

  BERTRAM

  He shall be whipped through the army with this rhyme

  in's forehead.

  He shall be whipped through the army with these words

  written on his forehead.

  Second Lord

  This is your devoted friend, sir, the manifold

  linguist and the armipotent soldier.

  This is y
our devoted friend, sir, the great

  linguist and all conquering soldier.

  BERTRAM

  I could endure any thing before but a cat, and now

  he's a cat to me.

  I can put up with anything except cats, and now

  he's a cat to me.

  First Soldier

  I perceive, sir, by the general's looks, we shall be

  fain to hang you.

  I can see, sir, by the way the general is looking, that we shall have

  to hang you.

  PAROLLES

  My life, sir, in any case: not that I am afraid to

  die; but that, my offences being many, I would

  repent out the remainder of nature: let me live,

  sir, in a dungeon, i' the stocks, or any where, so I may live.

  You have my life, sir, in any event: it's not that I'm afraid

  to die; but, as I have done so much wrong, I would

  like to spend the rest of my life repenting: let me live,

  sir, in a dungeon, in the stocks, or anywhere as long as I can live.

  First Soldier

  We'll see what may be done, so you confess freely;

  therefore, once more to this Captain Dumain: you

  have answered to his reputation with the duke and to

  his valour: what is his honesty?

  We'll see what we can do, as long as you tell us everything;

  so, let's return to this Captain Dumain: you

  have told us what the Duke thinks of him and about

  his valour: is he honest?

  PAROLLES

  He will steal, sir, an egg out of a cloister: for

  rapes and ravishments he parallels Nessus: he

  professes not keeping of oaths; in breaking 'em he

  is stronger than Hercules: he will lie, sir, with

  such volubility, that you would think truth were a

  fool: drunkenness is his best virtue, for he will

  be swine-drunk; and in his sleep he does little

  harm, save to his bed-clothes about him; but they

  know his conditions and lay him in straw. I have but

  little more to say, sir, of his honesty: he has

  every thing that an honest man should not have; what

  an honest man should have, he has nothing.

  Sir, he would steal an egg out of your stomach:

  for rape and assault he's equal to Nessus: he

  doesn't believe in keeping oaths; he's stronger

  Than Hercules in breaking them: he will lie, sir, with

  such skill, that you would think truth was

  foolish: what he's best at is drunkenness, he will

  get as drunk as a pig; he doesn't do much harm in his sleep,

  except to his bedclothes; but they know what he's like

  and they lay him down in straw. I have not

  much else to say about his honesty: he

  has every characteristic an honest man should not have

  and none of the ones he should have.

  First Lord

  I begin to love him for this.

  I begin to love him for this.

  BERTRAM

  For this description of thine honesty? A pox upon

  him for me, he's more and more a cat.

  For describing your honesty like this? I say

  damn him, for me he's more and more like a cat.

  First Soldier

  What say you to his expertness in war?

  What do you say about his abilities as a soldier?

  PAROLLES

  Faith, sir, he has led the drum before the English

  tragedians; to belie him, I will not, and more of

  his soldiership I know not; except, in that country

  he had the honour to be the officer at a place there

  called Mile-end, to instruct for the doubling of

  files: I would do the man what honour I can, but of

  this I am not certain.

  To tell you the truth, sir, he beats his own drum louder

  than a bunch of actors; I will not contradict him,

  and I don't know anything else about his soldiership,

  except that in England he was an officer at a place

  called Mile End, where he was a drill instructor for civilians:

  I want to speak of him as well as I can, but I can't be sure

  of this.

  First Lord

  He hath out-villained villany so far, that the

  rarity redeems him.

  He's such an extraordinary villain that

  you can't help admiring him.

  BERTRAM

  A pox on him, he's a cat still.

  Damn him, he is still like a cat to me.

  First Soldier

  His qualities being at this poor price, I need not

  to ask you if gold will corrupt him to revolt.

  As he is so talentless, I don't need to ask you

  if he can be bribed to rebel with gold.

  PAROLLES

  Sir, for a quart d'ecu he will sell the fee-simple

  of his salvation, the inheritance of it; and cut the

  entail from all remainders, and a perpetual

  succession for it perpetually.

  Sir,for sixpence he would sell his own

  salvation, all his chances of it and those

  of all his descendants, he would sell it

  for eternity.

  First Soldier

  What's his brother, the other Captain Dumain?

  What's his brother like, the other Captain Dumain?

  Second Lord

  Why does he ask him of me?

  Why is he asking him about me?

  First Soldier

  What's he?

  What's he like?

  PAROLLES

  E'en a crow o' the same nest; not altogether so

  great as the first in goodness, but greater a great

  deal in evil: he excels his brother for a coward,

  yet his brother is reputed one of the best that is:

  in a retreat he outruns any lackey; marry, in coming

  on he has the cramp.

  He's a bird of a feather; not quite as

  good as the first, but a good deal

  more evil: he's a far greater coward than his brother,

  even though his brother is known as one of the greatest:

  in a retreat he runs faster than an errand boy; but in

  attack he moves like someone with cramp.

  First Soldier

  If your life be saved, will you undertake to betray

  the Florentine?

  If we spare your life, will you promise to betray

  the Florentine?

  PAROLLES

  Ay, and the captain of his horse, Count Rousillon.

  Yes, and the leader of his cavalry, Count Rousillon.

  First Soldier

  I'll whisper with the general, and know his pleasure.

  I'll confer with the general, and find out what he wants.

  PAROLLES

  [Aside] I'll no more drumming; a plague of all

  drums! Only to seem to deserve well, and to

  beguile the supposition of that lascivious young boy

  the count, have I run into this danger. Yet who

  would have suspected an ambush where I was taken?

  No more drumming for me; damnation to all

  drums! Just to get myself a good reputation, and to

  calm the suspicions of that horny young boy

  the count, I have got myself into this danger. Yet who

  would have suspected an ambush at the place they got me?

  First Soldier

  There is no remedy, sir, but you must die: the

  general says, you that have so traitorously

  discovered the secrets of your army and made such

  pestiferous reports of men very nobly held, can

  serve the world for no
honest use; therefore you

  must die. Come, headsman, off with his head.

  There's nothing for it, sir, you must die:

  the general says that you have so treacherously

  given away the secrets of your army and made such

  scandalous reports of men who are thought to be very noble

  that you cannot be of any honest use to the world; so

  you must die. Come on, executioner, off with his head.

  PAROLLES

  O Lord, sir, let me live, or let me see my death!

  Oh Lord, sir, let me live, or at least let me face my death!

  First Lord

  That shall you, and take your leave of all your friends.

  Unblinding him

  So, look about you: know you any here?

  You shall do that, and say goodbye to all your friends.

  So, have a look round: do you know anybody here?

  BERTRAM

  Good morrow, noble captain.

  Good day, noble captain.

  Second Lord

  God bless you, Captain Parolles.

  God bless you, Captain Parolles.

  First Lord

  God save you, noble captain.

  God save you, noble captain

  Second Lord

  Captain, what greeting will you to my Lord Lafeu?

  I am for France.