The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 212
Captain, what greeting shall I take for you to my Lord Lafeu?
I'm off to France.
First Lord
Good captain, will you give me a copy of the sonnet
you writ to Diana in behalf of the Count Rousillon?
an I were not a very coward, I'ld compel it of you:
but fare you well.
Exeunt BERTRAM and Lords
Good captain, will you give me a copy of the sonnet
you wrote to Diana on behalf of Count Rousillon?
If I wasn't a terrible coward, I'd force you to give it to me:
but farewell.
First Soldier
You are undone, captain, all but your scarf; that
has a knot on't yet.
You are undone, captain, everything except your scarf; that
still has a knot in it.
PAROLLES
Who cannot be crushed with a plot?
Who cannot be caught out by a plot?
First Soldier
If you could find out a country where but women were
that had received so much shame, you might begin an
impudent nation. Fare ye well, sir; I am for France
too: we shall speak of you there.
Exit with Soldiers ?
If you could discover a country where the women
had been as shamed as you, you might begin a
cheeky nation. Goodbye, sir; I'm going to France
as well: we shall speak of you there.
PAROLLES
Yet am I thankful: if my heart were great,
'Twould burst at this. Captain I'll be no more;
But I will eat and drink, and sleep as soft
As captain shall: simply the thing I am
Shall make me live. Who knows himself a braggart,
Let him fear this, for it will come to pass
that every braggart shall be found an ass.
Rust, sword! cool, blushes! and, Parolles, live
Safest in shame! being fool'd, by foolery thrive!
There's place and means for every man alive.
I'll after them.
Exit
Yet I am grateful: if I was truly good,
I'd die of shame. I will no longer be a captain;
but I'll have food and drink, and sleep as easily
as a captain: being what I am
is what will keep me alive. If you know you're a show off,
then fear this, for it will always happen
that a show off will be shown to be an ass.
Rust, sword! Cool down, blushes! And, Parolles, live
safest in shame! You have been fooled, so profit from foolery!
There's a place and a living for every man on Earth.
I'll follow them.
Enter HELENA, Widow, and DIANA
HELENA
That you may well perceive I have not wrong'd you,
One of the greatest in the Christian world
Shall be my surety; 'fore whose throne 'tis needful,
Ere I can perfect mine intents, to kneel:
Time was, I did him a desired office,
Dear almost as his life; which gratitude
Through flinty Tartar's bosom would peep forth,
And answer, thanks: I duly am inform'd
His grace is at Marseilles; to which place
We have convenient convoy. You must know
I am supposed dead: the army breaking,
My husband hies him home; where, heaven aiding,
And by the leave of my good lord the king,
We'll be before our welcome.
So that you can see I won't do you any harm,
one of the greatest men in Christendom
will vouch for me; before I can bring my plans to fruition
I will have to kneel before his throne:
once upon a time I did him a favour he asked,
which was almost as important to him as his life;
even a coldhearted Tatar would have been grateful,
and said thank you: I have been told
that his Grace is at Marseilles; we have
a good escort to take us there. You must know
that I'm thought to be dead: as the army is breaking up
my husband is going home; with the help of heaven
and with the permission of my good lord the King,
we'll get there ahead of him.
Widow
Gentle madam,
You never had a servant to whose trust
Your business was more welcome.
Gentle madam,
you never had a servant so pleased
to carry out your orders.
HELENA
Nor you, mistress,
Ever a friend whose thoughts more truly labour
To recompense your love: doubt not but heaven
Hath brought me up to be your daughter's dower,
As it hath fated her to be my motive
And helper to a husband. But, O strange men!
That can such sweet use make of what they hate,
When saucy trusting of the cozen'd thoughts
Defiles the pitchy night: so lust doth play
With what it loathes for that which is away.
But more of this hereafter. You, Diana,
Under my poor instructions yet must suffer
Something in my behalf.
Nor have you, mistress,
ever had a friend who has thought harder about
how to repay your love: do not doubt that heaven
intended me to provide your daughter's dowry,
just as it intended her to help me
to get myself a husband. But how strange men are!
They will have such a good time with someone they hate
when it comes to the secret pleasures of the night:
in lust they'll play with someone they loathe, thinking it someone else.
But more on this later. You, Diana,
under my poor orders must still suffer
something on my behalf.
DIANA
Let death and honesty
Go with your impositions, I am yours
Upon your will to suffer.
Even if it meant death, as long as I remain chaste,
to follow your orders, I am yours,
and will suffer if you desire it.
HELENA
Yet, I pray you:
But with the word the time will bring on summer,
When briers shall have leaves as well as thorns,
And be as sweet as sharp. We must away;
Our wagon is prepared, and time revives us:
All's well that ends well; still the fine's the crown;
Whate'er the course, the end is the renown.
Exeunt
Just wait, I ask you:
in time summer will come,
when the brambles will have leaves as well as thorns,
and have fruit as well as pricks. We must go;
the wagon is ready, and we will get better in time:
all's well that ends well; the prize is great;
however we get there, success will be our reward.
Enter COUNTESS, LAFEU, and Clown
LAFEU
No, no, no, your son was misled with a snipt-taffeta
fellow there, whose villanous saffron would have
made all the unbaked and doughy youth of a nation in
his colour: your daughter-in-law had been alive at
this hour, and your son here at home, more advanced
by the king than by that red-tailed humble-bee I speak of.
No, no, no, your son was led astray by a flashily dressed
fellow there, whose flamboyant ways would try
to make all the innocent youth of a nation
be like him: if your daughter-in-law was alive
now, and your son here at home, the King
would have done far better for him than that buzzing insect
I speak of.
COUNTESS
I would I had not known him; it was the death of the
most virtuous gentlewoman that ever nature had
praise for creating. If she had partaken of my
flesh, and cost me the dearest groans of a mother, I
could not have owed her a more rooted love.
I wish I had never known him; he meant death to the
most virtuous gentlewoman that nature was ever
praised for creating. If she had been born from my
womb, and given me all the pains of childbirth, I
could not have loved her more.
LAFEU
'Twas a good lady, 'twas a good lady: we may pick a
thousand salads ere we light on such another herb.
She was a good lady, a good lady: we could pick
a thousand leaves before we found another herb like her.
Clown
Indeed, sir, she was the sweet marjoram of the
salad, or rather, the herb of grace.
Indeed, sir, she was like sweet marjoram in
a salad, or rather she was like rue.
LAFEU
They are not herbs, you knave; they are nose-herbs.
They are not for eating, you fool, they are for perfumes.
Clown
I am no great Nebuchadnezzar, sir; I have not much
skill in grass.
I'm no great gardener, sir; I'm no good
with plants.
LAFEU
Whether dost thou profess thyself, a knave or a fool?
What do you call yourself, a knave or a fool?
Clown
A fool, sir, at a woman's service, and a knave at a man's.
When I serve a woman, sir, I am a fool, when I serve a man I am a knave.
LAFEU
Your distinction?
And what's the difference?
Clown
I would cozen the man of his wife and do his service.
I could cheat a man out of his wife and be doing him a service.
LAFEU
So you were a knave at his service, indeed.
So you would indeed be a knave in his service.
Clown
And I would give his wife my bauble, sir, to do her service.
And I would give his wife my truncheon, sir, for her service.
LAFEU
I will subscribe for thee, thou art both knave and fool.
I will bear witness for you, that you are both a knave and a fool.
Clown
At your service.
At your service.
LAFEU
No, no, no.
No thank you!
Clown
Why, sir, if I cannot serve you, I can serve as
great a prince as you are.
Well sir, if I can't serve you, I can serve
a prince as great as you.
LAFEU
Who's that? a Frenchman?
Who's that? A Frenchman?
Clown
Faith, sir, a' has an English name; but his fisnomy
is more hotter in France than there.
Well sir, he has an English name; but his face is
redder in France than there.
LAFEU
What prince is that?
Who is this Prince?
Clown
The black prince, sir; alias, the prince of
darkness; alias, the devil.
The black prince, sir; also known as the prince
of darkness; also known as the devil.
LAFEU
Hold thee, there's my purse: I give thee not this
to suggest thee from thy master thou talkest of;
serve him still.
Hang on, here's my purse: I don't give you this
to drag you away from the master you're talking about;
carry on serving him.
Clown
I am a woodland fellow, sir, that always loved a
great fire; and the master I speak of ever keeps a
good fire. But, sure, he is the prince of the
world; let his nobility remain in's court. I am for
the house with the narrow gate, which I take to be
too little for pomp to enter: some that humble
themselves may; but the many will be too chill and
tender, and they'll be for the flowery way that
leads to the broad gate and the great fire.
I am a man of the woods, sir, and I always loved
a great fire; and the master I speak of always keeps
a good fire. But, to be sure, he is the prince of the
world; let his mobility stay with him. I'm going
to the house with a narrow doorway, which is
too small for great ones to enter: some may if they
humble themselves; but many will be too fond
of their comfort, they'll want to go on the flowery path
that leads to the wide gate and the great fire.
LAFEU
Go thy ways, I begin to be aweary of thee; and I
tell thee so before, because I would not fall out
with thee. Go thy ways: let my horses be well
looked to, without any tricks.
Go about your business, I'm beginning to get tired of you;
I'm telling you in advance, because I don't want to fall out
with you. Go about your business: make sure my horses are well
looked after, and don't use any shortcuts or tricks.
Clown
If I put any tricks upon 'em, sir, they shall be
jades' tricks; which are their own right by the law of nature.
Exit
If I play any tricks with them, sir, they will be
old nag's tricks; which are naturally theirs.
LAFEU
A shrewd knave and an unhappy.
A sharp knave, and a mischievous one.
COUNTESS
So he is. My lord that's gone made himself much
sport out of him: by his authority he remains here,
which he thinks is a patent for his sauciness; and,
indeed, he has no pace, but runs where he will.
He is that. My dead husband enjoyed him very much,
and left instructions that he should be kept on,
which he thinks gives him permission for his cheekiness;
in fact he's totally out of control.
LAFEU
I like him well; 'tis not amiss. And I was about to
tell you, since I heard of the good lady's death and
that my lord your son was upon his return home, I
moved the king my master to speak in the behalf of
my daughter; which, in the minority of them both,
his majesty, out of a self-gracious remembrance, did
first propose: his highness hath promised me to do
it: and, to stop up the displeasure he hath
conceived against your son, there is no fitter
matter. How does your ladyship like it?
I like him; I don't take offence. And I was about
to tell you, since I heard about the good lady's death
and that my lord your son was coming home, I
asked the King, my master, to speak on behalf of
my daughter; his Majesty, without being prompted,
remembered that he had first proposed that they should
be married when they were children: his Highness
has promised me that he will arrange it, and there's no better way
to remove the displeasure he feels with your son.
What does your ladyship think of the idea?
COUNTESS
With very much content, my lord; and I wish it
happily effected.
I'm very happy about that, my lord; and I hope
it will be done.
LAFEU
His highness comes post
from Marseilles, of as able
body as when he numbered thirty: he will be here
to-morrow, or I am deceived by him that in such
intelligence hath seldom failed.
His Highness is coming by stages from Marseilles, as healthy
as when he was thirty years old: he will be here
tomorrow, unless I have been misinformed by
a very reliable source.
COUNTESS
It rejoices me, that I hope I shall see him ere I
die. I have letters that my son will be here
to-night: I shall beseech your lordship to remain
with me till they meet together.
I'm happy that I will have a chance to see him
before I die. I have had letters saying that my son will be here
tonight: I beg your lordship to stay with me
until they meet.
LAFEU
Madam, I was thinking with what manners I might
safely be admitted.
Madam, I was wondering how I could politely
ask if I could stay.
COUNTESS
You need but plead your honourable privilege.
All you need to do is mention the privilege of your rank.
LAFEU
Lady, of that I have made a bold charter; but I
thank my God it holds yet.
Lady, I've done that often enough; and I must
thank God it has never let me down yet.
Re-enter Clown
Clown
O madam, yonder's my lord your son with a patch of
velvet on's face: whether there be a scar under't