The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 224
TOUCHSTONE
Such a one is a natural philosopher. Wast ever in
court, shepherd?
So you are a natural philosopher. Were you ever in
the court, shepherd?
CORIN
No, truly.
No, never.
TOUCHSTONE
Then thou art damned.
Then you are damned.
CORIN
Nay, I hope.
No, I hope not.
TOUCHSTONE
Truly, thou art damned like an ill-roasted egg, all
on one side.
Yes, you are damned like a poorly cooked egg, all
burnt on one side.
CORIN
For not being at court? Your reason.
Just for never being at the court? Why? Tell me your reasons.
TOUCHSTONE
Why, if thou never wast at court, thou never sawest
good manners; if thou never sawest good manners,
then thy manners must be wicked; and wickedness is
sin, and sin is damnation. Thou art in a parlous
state, shepherd.
If you were never at the court, then you never saw
good manners, and if you never saw good manners,
then your manners must be wicked and bad, and wickedness is
a sin, and sin is damnation. You are in a perilous, dangerous
state, shepherd.
CORIN
Not a whit, Touchstone: those that are good manners
at the court are as ridiculous in the country as the
behavior of the country is most mockable at the
court. You told me you salute not at the court, but
you kiss your hands: that courtesy would be
uncleanly, if courtiers were shepherds.
Not at all, Touchstone: the good manners
of the court are just as ridiculous here in the country as the
behavior of those from the country is made fun of in the
court. You told me that one does not salute in the court, but
instead kisses hands – that would be
very dirty if court members were shepherds.
TOUCHSTONE
Instance, briefly; come, instance.
Quickly, give an example.
CORIN
Why, we are still handling our ewes, and their
fells, you know, are greasy.
Well we are handling sheep always, and their
fleece is, as you know, greasy.
TOUCHSTONE
Why, do not your courtier's hands sweat? and is not
the grease of a mutton as wholesome as the sweat of
a man? Shallow, shallow. A better instance, I say; come.
Doesn’t a court member’s hands sweat? And isn’t
sheep’s grease better than the sweat of
a man? That is a shallow reason – come up with a better one. Come on.
CORIN
Besides, our hands are hard.
Also, our hands are hard.
TOUCHSTONE
Your lips will feel them the sooner. Shallow again.
A more sounder instance, come.
Your lips will still feel them. Another bad reason.
Come up with a sounder one, come on.
CORIN
And they are often tarred over with the surgery of
our sheep: and would you have us kiss tar? The
courtier's hands are perfumed with civet.
They are also often tarred from the tar we put
on the sheep to heal their wounds – would you want to kiss tar? The
court member’s hands are perfumed with civet musk.
TOUCHSTONE
Most shallow man! thou worms-meat, in respect of a
good piece of flesh indeed! Learn of the wise, and
perpend: civet is of a baser birth than tar, the
very uncleanly flux of a cat. Mend the instance, shepherd.
O shallow man! You are as worthless as worms-meat compared
to a good steak! Learn from the wise and
understand this: civet musk is much worse than tar –
it’s the disgusting discharge from a cat. A better example, shepherd.
CORIN
You have too courtly a wit for me: I'll rest.
Your wit is too courtly for me – I will stop.
TOUCHSTONE
Wilt thou rest damned? God help thee, shallow man!
God make incision in thee! thou art raw.
You are stopping even though you are still damned? God help you, you shallow man!
God cut into you like a surgeon! You need aid.
CORIN
Sir, I am a true labourer: I earn that I eat, get
that I wear, owe no man hate, envy no man's
happiness, glad of other men's good, content with my
harm, and the greatest of my pride is to see my ewes
graze and my lambs suck.
Sir, I am an honest and simple worker: I earn what I eat, get
what I wear, hate no man, do not envy anyone’s
happiness, am happy at others’ good fortunes, am content with my
own poor fortune, and my greatest pride is to watch my ewes
graze and feed, and the lambs give suck.
TOUCHSTONE
That is another simple sin in you, to bring the ewes
and the rams together and to offer to get your
living by the copulation of cattle; to be bawd to a
bell-wether, and to betray a she-lamb of a
twelvemonth to a crooked-pated, old, cuckoldly ram,
out of all reasonable match. If thou beest not
damned for this, the devil himself will have no
shepherds; I cannot see else how thou shouldst
'scape.
That is just another of your simple sins: you bring the ewes
and rams together and you make your
living by their copulation. You are a pimp for
the rams, and you betray ewes, only a
year old, to crooked, old, unfaithful rams –
a disgusting match. If you are not
damned for this, then the devil himself must not want
shepherds in Hell. I don’t see how else you will
escape.
CORIN
Here comes young Master Ganymede, my new mistress's brother.
Here comes Master Ganymede, my new mistress’s brother.
Enter ROSALIND, with a paper, reading
ROSALIND
reading
From the east to western Ind,
No jewel is like Rosalind.
Her worth, being mounted on the wind,
Through all the world bears Rosalind.
All the pictures fairest lined
Are but black to Rosalind.
Let no fair be kept in mind
But the fair of Rosalind.
From the east, to the western Indies,
no jewel compares to Rosalind.
Her worth is carried by the wind
that tells the whole world of Rosalind.
All of the most beautifully drawn pictures
look like black marks next to Rosalind.
Let nothing valuable be in one’s mind
except the beauty of Rosalind.
TOUCHSTONE
I'll rhyme you so eight years together, dinners and
suppers and sleeping-hours excepted: it is the
right butter-women's rank to market.
I can rhyme like that for eight years straight, dinners,
other meals, and time for sleep excepted: it is as bad
and easy as a common-woman’s path to the market.
ROSALIND
Out, fool!
Get out, fool!
TOUCHSTONE
For a taste:
If a hart do lack a hind,
Let him seek out Rosalind.
If the cat will after kin
d,
So be sure will Rosalind.
Winter garments must be lined,
So must slender Rosalind.
They that reap must sheaf and bind;
Then to cart with Rosalind.
Sweetest nut hath sourest rind,
Such a nut is Rosalind.
He that sweetest rose will find
Must find love's prick and Rosalind.
This is the very false gallop of verses: why do you
infect yourself with them?
I’ll show you:
If a buck lacks a doe,
let him look for Rosalind.
If the cat goes after its own kind,
so too does Rosalind.
Winter clothes must be lined for warmth,
and Rosalind needs something around her, too.
Farmers that reap must then sheaf and bind the crops,
So add Rosalind to the harvest cart.
The sweetest nut has the sourest rind,
Just like Rosalind.
He who finds the sweetest rose,
will also be pricked by thorns of love and Rosalind.
This is how poor and simple the meter of these verses are – why are you
infecting yourself by repeating them?
ROSALIND
Peace, you dull fool! I found them on a tree.
Be quiet, you dumb fool! I found them written on a tree.
TOUCHSTONE
Truly, the tree yields bad fruit.
Then such a tree is giving off bad fruit.
ROSALIND
I'll graff it with you, and then I shall graff it
with a medlar: then it will be the earliest fruit
i' the country; for you'll be rotten ere you be half
ripe, and that's the right virtue of the medlar.
I will graft you onto it, and then it will be grafted
with fruit that is ripe after it becomes rotten. You will be the first fruit
to ripen in the country because you will be rotten before you ever get half
ripe – and that’s the way medlar fruits grow.
TOUCHSTONE
You have said; but whether wisely or no, let the
forest judge.
So you say, but the forest will judge whether you are right or not.
Enter CELIA, with a writing
ROSALIND
Peace! Here comes my sister, reading: stand aside.
Be quiet! Here comes my sister, reading.
CELIA
[Reads]
Why should this a desert be?
For it is unpeopled? No:
Tongues I'll hang on every tree,
That shall civil sayings show:
Some, how brief the life of man
Runs his erring pilgrimage,
That the stretching of a span
Buckles in his sum of age;
Some, of violated vows
'Twixt the souls of friend and friend:
But upon the fairest boughs,
Or at every sentence end,
Will I Rosalinda write,
Teaching all that read to know
The quintessence of every sprite
Heaven would in little show.
Therefore Heaven Nature charged
That one body should be fill'd
With all graces wide-enlarged:
Nature presently distill'd
Helen's cheek, but not her heart,
Cleopatra's majesty,
Atalanta's better part,
Sad Lucretia's modesty.
Thus Rosalind of many parts
By heavenly synod was devised,
Of many faces, eyes and hearts,
To have the touches dearest prized.
Heaven would that she these gifts should have,
And I to live and die her slave.
Should this be a desert just
because there are no people? No,
for I will give tongues to every tree
so they will speak civilized things.
Some will be about the brief life of man
and how it is spent in a wrong journey,
how his stretched out hand
holds all of his years of life.
Some will be about broken promises
between friends.
But on the best branches
or at the end of every sentence
I will write “Rosalinda”
to teach everyone who reads the trees to know
what the essence of every angel
heaven shows in her.
Heaven tasked Nature
to make one person filled
with all the beauties of womankind,
so Nature combined
Helen of Troy’s cheek, but not her unfaithful heart,
Cleopatra’s majesty,
the best parts of Atalanta,
and sad Lucretia’s modesty and purity.
Thus, Rosalind was from many perfect parts
by Heaven’s order made:
made from many faces, eyes, and hearts
in order to have the most beautiful parts of all of them.
Heaven decided that she should have these gifts
and that I should live and die as her servant.
ROSALIND
O most gentle pulpiter! what tedious homily of love
have you wearied your parishioners withal, and never
cried 'Have patience, good people!'
O good preacher! What tiresome sermon of love
you have been exhausting your congregation with, without
warning them by saying, “Be patient!”?
CELIA
How now! back, friends! Shepherd, go off a little.
Go with him, sirrah.
What is that? Go back, friends! Shepherd, move away a little,
and go with him, Touchstone.
TOUCHSTONE
Come, shepherd, let us make an honourable retreat;
though not with bag and baggage, yet with scrip and scrippage.
Come, shepherd, let’s retreat honorably and leave –
not with a the baggage of an army, but with your shepherd’s bag and what little we have.
Exeunt CORIN and TOUCHSTONE
CELIA
Didst thou hear these verses?
Did you hear the verses I read?
ROSALIND
O, yes, I heard them all, and more too; for some of
them had in them more feet than the verses would bear.
Yes, I heard all of them – even more than them. In fact,
some of the verses had too many syllables and feet for the rhyme scheme.
CELIA
That's no matter: the feet might bear the verses.
That’s not important: extra feet can hold the verses better then.
ROSALIND
Ay, but the feet were lame and could not bear
themselves without the verse and therefore stood
lamely in the verse.
Yes, but the feet were lame – they were made of bad poetry – and could not hold
themselves without the rhyme scheme; therefore they read
weakly within the verse.
CELIA
But didst thou hear without wondering how thy name
should be hanged and carved upon these trees?
But did you listen to all of that without thinking about why your name
should be written on all of the trees?
ROSALIND
I was seven of the nine days out of the wonder
before you came; for look here what I found on a
palm-tree. I was never so be-rhymed since
Pythagoras' time, that I was an Irish rat, which I
can hardly remember.
I was already mostly through my thinking of them
before you came. Look, I found others on a
palm-tree. I wasn’t rhymed about like this since
a past life of mine when I was an Irish rat and poets thought
they could rid me through verse,
and I don’t remember that.
CELIA
Trow you who hath done this?
Do you know who wrote all of this?
ROSALIND
Is it a man?
Is it a man?
CELIA
And a chain, that you once wore, about his neck.
Change you colour?
Yes, one who has a chain, which you once wore, around his neck.
Are you blushing?
ROSALIND
I prithee, who?
Tell me, who?
CELIA
O Lord, Lord! it is a hard matter for friends to
meet; but mountains may be removed with earthquakes
and so encounter.
O God! It is hard enough for two friends to
meet – but even mountains can be moved by earthquakes
and forced into each other.
ROSALIND
Nay, but who is it?
No, who is it?
CELIA
Is it possible?
Is it possible?
ROSALIND
Nay, I prithee now with most petitionary vehemence,
tell me who it is.
No, please, I’m begging you as strongly as I can,
tell me who it is.
CELIA
O wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful
wonderful! and yet again wonderful, and after that,
out of all hooping!
O wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!
Yet again, wonderful, and even now,
when you are out of the hoop-skirts and dressed like a man!