The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 233
couples are coming to the ark. Here comes a pair of
very strange beasts, which in all tongues are called fools.
There must be another flood coming, with all of these
couples lining up to enter the ark. Here are two
strange beasts, which must be called fools.
TOUCHSTONE
Salutation and greeting to you all!
Salutations and greetings everyone!
JAQUES
Good my lord, bid him welcome: this is the
motley-minded gentleman that I have so often met in
the forest: he hath been a courtier, he swears.
Good lord, welcome this man. He is the
court’s clown whom I have often met in
the forest: he swears to have been a court member.
TOUCHSTONE
If any man doubt that, let him put me to my
purgation. I have trod a measure; I have flattered
a lady; I have been politic with my friend, smooth
with mine enemy; I have undone three tailors; I have
had four quarrels, and like to have fought one.
If anyone doubts that, let him try me.
I have danced a little, flattered
a woman, have spoken politely with my friends and smoothly
with my enemy, and I have ruined three tailors. I have
had four quarrels, and almost one fight.
JAQUES
And how was that ta'en up?
How did you fix that?
TOUCHSTONE
Faith, we met, and found the quarrel was upon the
seventh cause.
Well we met, and found the quarrel was on the
seventh cause.
JAQUES
How seventh cause? Good my lord, like this fellow.
The seventh cause? Good lord, do like this man.
DUKE SENIOR
I like him very well.
I like him very well.
TOUCHSTONE
God 'ild you, sir; I desire you of the like. I
press in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country
copulatives, to swear and to forswear: according as
marriage binds and blood breaks: a poor virgin,
sir, an ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own; a poor
humour of mine, sir, to take that that no man else
will: rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a
poor house; as your pearl in your foul oyster.
God bless you, sir, for I desire the same thing as the others here. I
came among the rest of these country
couples, to swear to one and swear off others, since
marriage binds and breaks apart blood relatives. This poor virgin,
sir, is an ugly thing, but my ugly thing. It is a poor
trait of mine, sir, to take what no one else
wants. Her being chaste and ugly is like a rich man living like a poor man
in a poor house, like a pearl in a disgusting oyster.
DUKE SENIOR
By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.
Truly, he is quick and wise.
TOUCHSTONE
According to the fool's bolt, sir, and such dulcet diseases.
It’s the jester’s lightning, quickly gone, to be diseased this sweetly.
JAQUES
But, for the seventh cause; how did you find the
quarrel on the seventh cause?
Back to the seventh cause. What was the
quarrel on the seventh cause?
TOUCHSTONE
Upon a lie seven times removed:--bear your body more
seeming, Audrey:--as thus, sir. I did dislike the
cut of a certain courtier's beard: he sent me word,
if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the
mind it was: this is called the Retort Courteous.
If I sent him word again 'it was not well cut,' he
would send me word, he cut it to please himself:
this is called the Quip Modest. If again 'it was
not well cut,' he disabled my judgment: this is
called the Reply Churlish. If again 'it was not
well cut,' he would answer, I spake not true: this
is called the Reproof Valiant. If again 'it was not
well cut,' he would say I lied: this is called the
Counter-cheque Quarrelsome: and so to the Lie
Circumstantial and the Lie Direct.
Our argument when through seven parts – stand up
straight, Audrey – like this, sir. I disliked the
way a certain court member cut his beard. He sent me a word
saying that even if I don’t like it, he thinks
it is fine: this is called the “Courteous Retort.”
If I said it again, then he
would say that he cut it just to please himself:
that is called the “Modest Quip.” If I said it
again, that it was not cut well, he would say that my judgment is meaningless: this is
called the “Churlish Reply.” If I said it again
he would just say that it is not true: this
is called the “Valiant Reproof.” If I said it again
he would say that I lied: this is called the
“Argumentative Countercheck.” And it continued to the
“Circumstantial Lie” and the “Direct Lie.”
JAQUES
And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?
How often did you say his beard did not look good?
TOUCHSTONE
I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial,
nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so we
measured swords and parted.
I would go no further than the “Circumstantial Lie,”
and he would not dare to give me the “Direct Lie,” so we
drew swords, and then stopped fighting.
JAQUES
Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?
What were the steps of lying again?
TOUCHSTONE
O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you have
books for good manners: I will name you the degrees.
The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the
Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the
fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the
Countercheque Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with
Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All
these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may
avoid that too, with an If. I knew when seven
justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the
parties were met themselves, one of them thought but
of an If, as, 'If you said so, then I said so;' and
they shook hands and swore brothers. Your If is the
only peacemaker; much virtue in If.
Sir, we quarrel by the book, just like
there is a book for good manners. I will name you
the degrees. The first is the Courteous Retort, then the
Modest Quip, then the Churlish Reply, the
fourth is the Valiant Reproof, the fifth is the
Argumentative Countercheck, the sixth is the
Circumstantial Lie, and the seventh is the Direct Lie.
You can avoid all of these, and you can avoid
the Direct Lie with a well placed “If.” I knew a case
that seven judges could not fix, but when the
parties themselves met, one of them came up
with the If, like, “If you said this, then I said that,” and
they shook hands and swore that they were brothers. The If is the
only real peacemaker. There is much goodness in If.
JAQUES
Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he's as good at
any thing and yet a fool.
Is
n’t he a rare fellow, my lord? He is talented and wise,
but still a clown.
DUKE SENIOR
He uses his folly like a stalking-horse and under
the presentation of that he shoots his wit.
He uses his costume and act like a disguise to
hide under when he speaks his wit.
Enter HYMEN, ROSALIND, and CELIA
Still Music
HYMEN
Then is there mirth in heaven,
When earthly things made even
Atone together.
Good duke, receive thy daughter
Hymen from heaven brought her,
Yea, brought her hither,
That thou mightst join her hand with his
Whose heart within his bosom is.
There is happiness in heaven
when earthly things are evened out
and put together.
Good duke, receive your daughter
whom Hymen brought,
yes, brought here
so that you can join her hand with his
whose heart is hers.
ROSALIND
[To DUKE SENIOR] To you I give myself, for I am yours.
To you I give myself, since I am yours.
To ORLANDO
To you I give myself, for I am yours.
To you I give myself, since I am yours.
DUKE SENIOR
If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.
If what I see is true, you are my daughter.
ORLANDO
If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.
If what I see is true, you are my Rosalind.
PHEBE
If sight and shape be true,
Why then, my love adieu!
If this sight is true,
then goodbye my love!
ROSALIND
I'll have no father, if you be not he:
I'll have no husband, if you be not he:
Nor ne'er wed woman, if you be not she.
I won’t have a father if you are not him,
I won’t have a husband if you are not him,
and I won’t marry a woman, if you are not her.
HYMEN
Peace, ho! I bar confusion:
'Tis I must make conclusion
Of these most strange events:
Here's eight that must take hands
To join in Hymen's bands,
If truth holds true contents.
You and you no cross shall part:
You and you are heart in heart
You to his love must accord,
Or have a woman to your lord:
You and you are sure together,
As the winter to foul weather.
Whiles a wedlock-hymn we sing,
Feed yourselves with questioning;
That reason wonder may diminish,
How thus we met, and these things finish.
Stop now! No confusion necessary,
I will make clear
these strange events.
There are eight here who must take hands
and join in marriage,
if you are all pleased with the truth in front of you.
[to Orlando and Rosalind]
No trials will part you.
[to Oliver and Celia]
You are joined in your hearts.
[to Phebe}
You must accept his love
or have a woman as your lord.
[to Touchstone and Audrey]
You two are bound like
the winter is to bad weather.
[to all]
While we sing a wedding song,
take in your questions
so that reason can take away your surprise
at how all of these things happened.
SONG.
Wedding is great Juno's crown:
O blessed bond of board and bed!
'Tis Hymen peoples every town;
High wedlock then be honoured:
Honour, high honour and renown,
To Hymen, god of every town!
Wedding is the crown of God,
O blessed bond of the home-life!
It is I who makes people for every town,
so marriage should be honored.
Honor, high honor, and renown,
to Hymen, the god of every town!
DUKE SENIOR
O my dear niece, welcome thou art to me!
Even daughter, welcome, in no less degree.
My niece, you are welcome here!
Even welcome as a true daughter to me.
PHEBE
I will not eat my word, now thou art mine;
Thy faith my fancy to thee doth combine.
I won’t break my word: you are mine.
Your faith has made me fancy you.
Enter JAQUES DE BOYS
JAQUES DE BOYS
Let me have audience for a word or two:
I am the second son of old Sir Rowland,
That bring these tidings to this fair assembly.
Duke Frederick, hearing how that every day
Men of great worth resorted to this forest,
Address'd a mighty power; which were on foot,
In his own conduct, purposely to take
His brother here and put him to the sword:
And to the skirts of this wild wood he came;
Where meeting with an old religious man,
After some question with him, was converted
Both from his enterprise and from the world,
His crown bequeathing to his banish'd brother,
And all their lands restored to them again
That were with him exiled. This to be true,
I do engage my life.
Everyone, give me your attention for a word.
I am the second son of Sir Rowland,
and I bring news to this congregation.
Duke Frederick, when he heard that every day
more noble and strong men were coming to this forest,
gathered a large army, which were marching
at his word to fight against
his brother and kill him with the sword.
At the edge of the forest,
he met an old religious man
who spoke with him, and then the Duke was converted,
and gave up his mission, even retreating from the world.
He has left his crown to his banished brother,
and restored the lands of the exiles
to all of them that were forced out. This is true,
I swear by my life.
DUKE SENIOR
Welcome, young man;
Thou offer'st fairly to thy brothers' wedding:
To one his lands withheld, and to the other
A land itself at large, a potent dukedom.
First, in this forest, let us do those ends
That here were well begun and well begot:
And after, every of this happy number
That have endured shrewd days and nights with us
Shall share the good of our returned fortune,
According to the measure of their states.
Meantime, forget this new-fall'n dignity
And fall into our rustic revelry.
Play, music! And you, brides and bridegrooms all,
With measure heap'd in joy, to the measures fall.
Welcome young man,
you bring a good present to your brothers’ wedding:
to Oliver his withheld lands, and to Orlando
the land itself, the whole dukedom as inheritance.
First, let us do those things here in the forest
that were started here.
After that, every person of this happy group
who has endured hard days and nights with us
will have a part of our returned fortune,
according to their ranks.
Meanwhile, let’s forget this new nobility
&nbs
p; and enjoy our country partying.
Music! And you brides and grooms,
with all of your joy, go dance.
JAQUES
Sir, by your patience. If I heard you rightly,
The duke hath put on a religious life
And thrown into neglect the pompous court?
Sire, one moment: if I heard you correctly,
did you say that the duke has taken on a religious life
and thrown away his courtly nobility?
JAQUES DE BOYS
He hath.
He has.
JAQUES
To him will I : out of these convertites
There is much matter to be heard and learn'd.
Then I will go to him: these converts
have a lot from which I can hear and learn.
To DUKE SENIOR
You to your former honour I bequeath;
Your patience and your virtue well deserves it:
I leave you with your former title:
your patience and goodness deserve it.
To ORLANDO
You to a love that your true faith doth merit:
You I leave to a love your faith has earned you.
To OLIVER
You to your land and love and great allies:
You to your land and your love and allies.
To SILVIUS
You to a long and well-deserved bed:
You to a long and deserved bed with your wife.
To TOUCHSTONE
And you to wrangling; for thy loving voyage
Is but for two months victuall'd. So, to your pleasures:
I am for other than for dancing measures.
And you to your fighting, for your marriage
will last for two months. Now go to your pleasure