The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
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Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Syracuse
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE The gold I gave to Dromio is laid upSafe at the Centaur; and the heedful slaveIs wander'd forth, in care to seek me outBy computation and mine host's report.I could not speak with Dromio since at firstI sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.
The gold I gave to Dromio is being heldSafe at the Centaur; and the heedful slaveHas wandered out, in search of meFrom what I gather and from the host’s report.I haven’t spoken with Dromio since I firstSent him from the mart. See, here he comes.
Enter DROMIO of Syracuse
How now sir! is your merry humour alter'd?As you love strokes, so jest with me again.You know no Centaur? you received no gold?Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner?My house was at the Phoenix? Wast thou mad,That thus so madly thou didst answer me?
Now sir! has your merry mood changed yet?Since you love beatings, tell me more jokes.You know no Centaur? you received no gold?Your mistress sent you to bring me for dinner?My house was at the Phoenix? Were you insane,That you would answer me with such nonsense?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE What answer, sir? when spake I such a word?
What answer, sir? when did I say that?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEEven now, even here, not half an hour since.
Just now, right here, not half an hour ago.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I did not see you since you sent me hence,Home to the Centaur, with the gold you gave me.
I haven’t seen you since you sent me away,To go to the Centaur, with the gold you gave me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Villain, thou didst deny the gold's receipt,And told'st me of a mistress and a dinner;For which, I hope, thou felt'st I was displeased.
Idiot, you denied that I gave you any gold,And told me about a mistress and a dinner;For which, I hope, you could tell I was upset.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I am glad to see you in this merry vein:What means this jest? I pray you, master, tell me.
I am glad to see you in this funny mood:What does this joke mean? Please, tell me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEYea, dost thou jeer and flout me in the teeth?Think'st thou I jest? Hold, take thou that, and that.
You dare to laugh and mock me to my face?You think I’m joking? Here, you, take that, and that.
Beating him
Beating him
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Hold, sir, for God's sake! now your jest is earnest: Upon what bargain do you give it me?
Hold on, sir, for God's sake! now your joke is serious: What is making you behave this way?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEBecause that I familiarly sometimesDo use you for my fool and chat with you,Your sauciness will jest upon my loveAnd make a common of my serious hours.When the sun shines let foolish gnats make sport,But creep in crannies when he hides his beams.If you will jest with me, know my aspect,And fashion your demeanor to my looks,Or I will beat this method in your sconce.
Because at times I act familiar with youAnd laugh and joke and chat with you,You presume to take advantage of my loveAnd goof around when I’m being serious.When the sun shines foolish gnats can come out to play,But they crawl back when he hides his beams.If you’re in a joking mood, make sure I am too,And behave in a way that suits what I’m feeling,Or I will beat this method into your sconce.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Sconce call you it? so you would leave battering, I had rather have it a head: an you use these blows long, I must get a sconce for my head and ensconce it too; or else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But, I pray, sir why am I beaten?
Sconce you call it? if it will make you stop battering me, I’d call it my head: and if you keep it up, I’ll need a sconce to ensconce my head; or else my wits will be all over my shoulders. But, tell me, sir, why am I beaten?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEDost thou not know?
You mean you don’t know?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nothing, sir, but that I am beaten.
All I know, sir, is that I am beaten.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Shall I tell you why?
Shall I tell you why?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Ay, sir, and wherefore; for they say every why hath a wherefore.
Yes, sir, and wherefore; for they say every why has a wherefore.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhy, first,--for flouting me; and then, wherefore--For urging it the second time to me.
Why, first,--for mocking me; and then, wherefore--For doing it a second time again.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Was there ever any man thus beaten out of season,When in the why and the wherefore is neither rhyme nor reason?Well, sir, I thank you.
Was there ever any man beaten like this out of season,When in the why and the wherefore there is neither rhyme nor reason?Well, sir, I thank you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Thank me, sir, for what?
Thank me, sir, for what?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, for this something that you gave me for nothing.
Well, you gave me something for nothing.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEI'll make you amends next, to give you nothing for something. But say, sir, is it dinner-time?
Next I’ll make amends by giving you nothing for something. But say, sir, is it dinner-time?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, sir; I think the meat wants that I have.
No, sir; I think the meat wants that I have.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEIn good time, sir; what's that?
What's that?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Basting.
Basting.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWell, sir, then 'twill be dry.
Well, if it’s not basted it will be dry.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE If it be, sir, I pray you, eat none of it.
If it is, sir, I don’t think you should eat it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEYour reason?
Your reason?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Lest it make you choleric and purchase me another dry basting.
It might make you angry, and earn me another dry basting.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Well, sir, learn to jest in good time: there's atime for all things.
Well, learn the appropriate time to joke: there's atime for all things.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I durst have denied that, before you were so choleric.I would have denied that, before you were so angry.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEBy what rule, sir?
By what rule, sir?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, by a rule as plain as the plain baldpate of father Time himself.
A rule as plain as the plain baldhead of father Time himself.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSELet's hear it.
Let's hear it.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE There's no time for a man to recover his hair thatgrows bald by nature.
There's no time for a man to recover his hair thatgrows bald by nature.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEMay he not do it by fine and recovery?
Can’t he get it back by fine and recovery?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Yes, to pay a fine for a periwig and recover thelost hair of another man.
Yes, he can pay a fine for a wig and recover thelost hair of another man.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhy is Time such a niggard of hair, being, as it is, so plentiful an excrement?
Why is Time so cheap about taking hair, being, as it is, so plentiful in growth?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Because it is a blessing that he bestows on beasts; and what he hath scanted men in hair he hath given them in wit.Because it is a blessing that he bestows on beasts; and what he has taken from men in hair he as given to them in wit.ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhy, but there's many a man hath more hair than wit.
But there are many men with more hair than wit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Not a man of those but he hath the wit to lose his hair.
And not one of those has had the wit to lose his hair.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhy, thou didst conclude hairy men plain dealers without wit.
So then you conclude that hairy men are simple and honest and witless.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE The plainer dealer, the sooner lost: yet he losethit in a kind of jollity.The plainer the dealer, the sooner they lose it: yet they lose it in a kind of happiness.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEFor what reason?
For what reason?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE For two; and sound ones too.
For two reasons; and sound ones too.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSENay, not sound, I pray you.
No, don’t say sound ones, please.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Sure ones, then.
Sure ones, then.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSENay, not sure, in a thing falsing.
No, not sure things, since it may not be true.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Certain ones then.
Certain ones then.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEName them.
Name them.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE The one, to save the money that he spends intrimming; the other, that at dinner they should not drop in his porridge.
One, to save the money that he spends intrimming his hair; Two, that at dinner the hair that falls out doesn’t drop in his porridge.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEYou would all this time have proved there is notime for all things.
You were supposed to have proved there is nota time for all things.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, and did, sir; namely, no time to recover hair lost by nature.
Right and I did; namely, that there’s no time to recover hair lost by nature.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEBut your reason was not substantial, why there is no time to recover.
But your reason was not substantial, why there is no time to recover.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Thus I mend it: Time himself is bald and therefore to the world's end will have bald followers.Here let me mend it with this: Time himself is bald and therefore to the world's end will have bald followers.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEI knew 'twould be a bald conclusion:But, soft! who wafts us yonder?
I knew it would be a lame conclusion:But, wait! who’s that waving to us over there?
Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA
ADRIANA Ay, ay, Antipholus, look strange and frown:Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects;I am not Adriana nor thy wife.The time was once when thou unurged wouldst
Yes, yes, Antipholus, look confused and frown:Your sweet look belongs to some other mistress;I am not Adriana nor your wife.The time was once when without any urging you
VowThat never words were music to thine ear,That never object pleasing in thine eye,That never touch well welcome to thy hand,That never meat sweet-savor'd in thy taste,Unless I spake, or look'd, or touch'd, or carved to thee.How comes it now, my husband, O, how comes it,That thou art thus estranged from thyself?Thyself I call it, being strange to me,That, undividable, incorporate,Am better than thy dear self's better part.Ah, do not tear away thyself from me!For know, my love, as easy mayest thou fallA drop of water in the breaking gulf,And take unmingled that same drop again,Without addition or diminishing,As take from me thyself and not me too.How dearly would it touch me to the quick,Shouldst thou but hear I were licentiousAnd that this body, consecrate to thee,By ruffian lust should be contaminate!Wouldst thou not spit at me and spurn at meAnd hurl the name of husband in my faceAnd tear the stain'd skin off my harlot-browAnd from my false hand cut the wedding-ringAnd break it with a deep-divorcing vow?I know thou canst; and therefore see thou do it.I am possess'd with an adulterate blot;My blood is mingled with the crime of lust:For if we too be one and thou play false,I do digest the poison of thy flesh,Being strumpeted by thy contagion.Keep then far league and truce with thy true bed;I live unstain'd, thou undishonoured.
Would swearThat never were words music to your ear,That never an object so pleasing to your eye,That never a touch so inviting to your hand,That never a meat so savory to your taste,Unless I spoke, or looked, or touched, or cooked for you.How is it now, my husband, O, how is it,That you are so estranged from yourself?I say yourself because you are strange to me,When, imseparable, and whole, I am better than the best part of you.Oh, don’t tear yourself away from me!Know, my love, that as hard as it would be to To let a drop of water fall in the breaking gulf,And than take that same drop out again, Without adding to it or diminishing it,Is how it would be to take yourself away without taking me too. How strongly it would affect me,If you had heard that I was unfaithfulAnd that this body, which was promised to you,Had been contaminated by sinful lust!Wouldn’t you spit at me, and kick meAnd hurl the marriage vows in my faceAnd tear the branded skin off my harlot-browAnd the wedding-ring from my lying handAnd break it with a deep-divorcing vow?I know you could; so I want to see you do it.I am contaminated by adultery;My blood is mingled with the crime of lust:For if we are really one, and you have cheated,Then you poison me as well,Making me a whore by contagion.Keep true, then, to your true marriage bed;So I can live without stain, and you with honor.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEPlead you to me, fair dame? I know you not:In Ephesus I am but two hours old,As strange unto your town as to your talk;Who, every word by all my wit being scann'd,Want wit in all one word to understand.
Are talking to me, pretty lady? I don’t know you:I’ve only been in Ephesus for two hours,Stranger to this town and to everything you said;I’m scanning everything you are saying,For even one word that I can understand.
LUCIANA Fie, brother! how the world is changed with you!When were you wont to use my sister thus?She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.
For shame, brother! How you have changed!When have you ever treated my sister like this?She sent Dromio to bring you home to dinner.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEBy Dromio?
Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE By me?
Me?
ADRIANA By thee; and this thou didst return from him,That he did buffet thee, and, in his blows,Denied my house for his, me for his wife.
Yes, you; and when you came back,You said he beat you,And denied that he had a house or a wife.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEDid you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman?What is the course and drift of your compact?
Did you talk to this lady?What have you been scheming with her?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I, sir? I never saw her till this time.
I, sir? I never saw her till this time.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEVillain, thou liest; for even her very wordsDidst thou deliver to me on the mart.
Villain, you’re lying; her exact wordsAre what you told me at the mart.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I never spake with her in all my life.
I’ve never spoken to her in all my life.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEHow can she thus then call us by our names,Unless it be by inspiration.
Then how does she know our names,Unless it be by magic.
ADRIANA How ill agrees it with your gravityTo counterfeit thus grossly with your slave,Abetting him to thwart me in my mood!Be it my wrong you are from me exempt,But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine:Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine,Whose weakness, married to thy stronger state,Makes me with thy strength to communicate:If aught possess thee from me, it is dross,Usurping ivy, brier, or idle moss;Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusionInfect thy sap and live on thy confusion.It really doesn’t suit a man of your rankTo lie and scheme with his slave,To make me this upset!It’s my fault that you have wronged me,But don’t make it worse by adding contempt.Come, I will fasten on to your sleeve:You are an elm, my husband, I am a vine,Whose weakness married to your strength,Makes me strong enough to say:If anything takes you away from me, it is trivial,Like overgrown ivy, brier, or idle moss;That hasn’t been pruned, and whose intrusionInfects your sap and lives to make you confused.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSETo me she speaks; she moves me for her theme:What, was I married to her in my dream?Or sleep I now and think I hear all this?What error drives our eyes and ears amiss?Until I know this sure uncertainty,I'll entertain the offer'd fallacy.
She’s t
alking to me; she means me:What, was I married to her in my dream?Or am I asleep now and think I hear all this?What error is making our eyes and ears wrong?Until I know this sure uncertainty,I'll go along with this misconception.
LUCIANA Dromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner.
Dromio, go get the servants ready for dinner.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O, for my beads! I cross me for a sinner.This is the fairy land: O spite of spites!We talk with goblins, owls and sprites:If we obey them not, this will ensue,They'll suck our breath, or pinch us black and blue.
O, where’s my rosary! I cross me for a sinner.This is some fairy land: O spite of spites!We talk with goblins, owls and sprites:And if we don’t obey them, they will surely,Suck our life out, or pinch us black and blue.
LUCIANA Why pratest thou to thyself and answer'st not?Dromio, thou drone, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot!
Why are you babbling to yourself instead of obeying? Dromio, you drone, you snail, you slug, you moron!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I am transformed, master, am I not?
I am transformed, master, am I not?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I think thou art in mind, and so am I.
I think your mind has been altered, as has mine
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.
No, master, both in mind and in my shape.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThou hast thine own form.
You still have the same form.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, I am an ape.
No, I am an ape.
LUCIANA If thou art changed to aught, 'tis to an ass.
If you’ve been changed into anything, it’s an ass.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 'Tis true; she rides me and I long for grass.'Tis so, I am an ass; else it could never beBut I should know her as well as she knows me.
It’s true; she rides me hard and I long to be away. I must be an ass; how else could I Not know her when she seems to know me.
ADRIANA Come, come, no longer will I be a fool,To put the finger in the eye and weep,Whilst man and master laugh my woes to scorn.Come, sir, to dinner. Dromio, keep the gate.Husband, I'll dine above with you to-dayAnd shrive you of a thousand idle pranks.Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.Come, sister. Dromio, play the porter well.