The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

Come, come, I will not continue to be a fool,To put a finger to my eye and weep,While you two laugh to scorn my misery.Come, sir, to dinner. Dromio, keep the gate.Husband, I'll eat above with you todayAnd have you tell me of all your idle pranks.Slave, if anyone asks you for your master,Say he is eating, and let no creature enter.Come, sister. Dromio, be a good guard.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEAm I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?Sleeping or waking? mad or well-advised? Known unto these, and to myself disguised!I'll say as they say and persever so,And in this mist at all adventures go.

  Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?Sleeping or waking? Sane or insane? Known to these people, but not to myself!I’ll just have to keep up the pretence,And persevere as long as I can.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, shall I be porter at the gate?

  Master, should I still guard the gate?

  ADRIANA Ay; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.

  Yes; and let none enter, or else I’ll break your head.

  LUCIANA Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.

  Come, come, Antipholus, it’s already getting late.

  Exeunt

  Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus, DROMIO of Ephesus, ANGELO, and BALTHAZAR

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:Say that I linger'd with you at your shopTo see the making of her carcanet,And that to-morrow you will bring it home.But here's a villain that would face me downHe met me on the mart, and that I beat him,And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,And that I did deny my wife and house.Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

  Mister Angelo, you must excuse us all;My wife nags me when I don’t watch the time:Say that I lingered with you at your shopTo see the making of her necklace,And that tomorrow you will bring it home.But here's a moron that has been telling liesThat he met me at the mart, and that I beat him,And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,And that I denied that I had a wife and house.You stupid drunkard, what was the meaning of all that?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show:If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

  Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;That you beat me at the mart, I have the bruises to prove it:If skin was parchment, and your punches were ink,Your own handwriting would tell you the same I think.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSI think thou art an ass.

  I think you’re an ass.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Marry, so it doth appearBy the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.I should kick, being kick'd; and, being at that pass,You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.

  Well, it sure seems that way, what with all the wrongs I suffer and the bruises I bear.I should kick back when I’m kicked; if I really am a mule,You would be scared of my kicks and keep away.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSYou're sad, Signior Balthazar: pray God our cheerMay answer my good will and your good welcome here.

  You're sad, Mister Balthazar: I hope that you will cheer upBecause of my good will towards you, and know how welcome you are here.

  BALTHAZAR I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and yourwelcome dear.

  Your dainties mean far less to me than your welcome, I’m grateful.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSO, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,A table full of welcome make scarce one dainty dish.

  O, Mister Balthazar, whether it’s meat or fish,A table full of welcome is far better than a dainty dish.

  BALTHAZAR Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.

  Good meat, sir, is common; every peasant can afford that.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAnd welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.

  And welcome is even more common than that; for that's nothing but words.

  BALTHAZAR Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.

  Little food with a great welcome makes a merry feast.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing guest:But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.But, soft! my door is lock'd. Go bid them let us in.

  Yes, to a cheap host, and cheaper guest:But even if my food is not good, eat it with my good intent;There may be better food elsewhere, but not with better heart.But, what’s this! my door is locked. Go bid them let us in.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicel, Gillian, Ginn!

  Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicel, Gillian, Ginn!

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb,idiot, patch!Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch.Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'stfor such store,When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.

  [Within] Blockhead, stupid, moron, fool,idiot, clown!Either get away from the door, or sit down at the gate.Are you conjuring whores, is that why you’re shouting so many names,Is your one not enough? Go, get away from the door.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.

  What clown has been made our guard? My master is standing in the street.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on's feet.

  [Within] Let him walk back to where he came, or he’ll catch cold.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWho talks within there? ho, open the door!

  Who’s talking in there? hey, open the door!

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] Right, sir; I'll tell you when, an you tellme wherefore.

  [Within] Right, sir; I'll tell you if I’ll open it if you tell me why I should.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWherefore? for my dinner: I have not dined to-day.

  Why? for my dinner: I have not eaten yet today.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] Nor to-day here you must not; come again when you may.

  [Within] And you won’t eat here either; come again some other time.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWhat art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe?

  Who are you to keep me out of my own house?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.

  [Within] I’m the guard for today, sir, and my name is Dromio.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS O villain! thou hast stolen both mine office and my name.The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name or thy name for an ass.

  You jerk! you have stolen both my job and my name.Though I never get credit for one, and the other only gets me blame.If you had been Dromio in my place today,You would have had your face changed to a target, and your name changed to “ass.”

  LUCE [Within] What a coil is there, Dromio? who are those at the gate?

  [Within] What’s the confusion out there, Dromio? who are the people at the gate?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Let my master in, Luce.

  Let my master in, Luce.

  LUCE [Within] Faith, no; he comes too late;And so tell your master.

  [Within] No way; he comes too late;Tell your master that.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS O Lord, I must laugh!Have at you with a proverb--Shall I set in my staff?

  O Lord, this is too funny!I’ll fire back with a proverb—May I make myself at home?

  LUCE [Within] Have at you with another; that's--When? can you tell?

  [Within] I’ll fire back at you with another; that's—I’d like to see you try.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] If thy name be call'd Luce--Luce, thou hast answered him well.

  [Within] If you’re the one called Luce--Luce, nice comeback.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Do you hear, you minion? you'll let us in, I hope?

  Can you hear me, you slave? You’re going to let us in, right?

  LUCE [Within] I thought to have asked you.

  [Within] I thought I asked you that.

  DR
OMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] And you said no.

  [Within] And you said no.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS So, come, help: well struck! there was blow for blow.

  Some one help me bang on the door: nice hit! That was blow for blow.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThou baggage, let me in.

  You useless idiot, let me in.

  LUCE [Within] Can you tell for whose sake?

  [Within] Says who?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Master, knock the door hard.

  Master, knock the door hard.

  LUCE [Within] Let him knock till it ache.

  [Within] Let him knock till he aches.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSYou'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

  You'll pay for this, slave, even if I have to beat the door down.

  LUCE [Within] What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

  [Within] What are we wasting all this time for? There’s a pair of stocks in the town.

  ADRIANA [Within] Who is that at the door that keeps allthis noise?

  [Within] Who is making all of this noise at the door?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] By my troth, your town is troubled withunruly boys.

  [Within] I swear, your town is troubled withunruly boys.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAre you there, wife? you might have come before.

  Is that you, wife? you should have come much sooner.

  ADRIANA [Within] Your wife, sir knave! go get you from the door.

  [Within] Your wife, stupid! go on get out of here.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS If you went in pain, master, this 'knave' would go sore.

  If you get punished, master, I’m going to get it even worse.

  ANGELO Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would fain have either.

  There seems to be no food here, sir, nor welcome: looks like we won’t be getting any.

  BALTHAZAR In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.

  BALTHAZAR And after all that talk of which was best, we’ll have to leave without either.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.

  They are just standing at the door, master; tell them they are welcome here.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThere is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.

  There is something strange in the wind that is keeping us from getting in.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.Your cake there is warm within; you stand here in the cold:It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.

  You’d definitely be saying that, master, if your clothes were as thin as mine.The food inside is warm; you stand here in the cold:It would make another man mad as a buck, to be betrayed like this.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSGo fetch me something: I'll break ope the gate.

  Go fetch me something: I'll break open the gate.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] Break any breaking here, and I'll break your knave's pate.

  [Within] Break anything here, and I'll break your fool’s head in.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind,Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

  A man may break words with you, sir, and words are only wind,So, get ready for me to break wind right in your face.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] It seems thou want'st breaking: out upon thee, hind!

  [Within] You’re just begging to be broken: scram, you dog!

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Here's too much 'out upon thee!' I pray thee,let me in.

  I sick of all this 'scram! get out!’ Come on, please, let me in.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] Sure, when birds have no feathers and fish have no fins.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Well, I'll break in: go borrow me a crow.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Well, I'll break in: go find me a crow.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather;If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS You mean a crow without feathers? For real?To prove that there’s fish without fins and birds without feathers;If that’s what it takes to get in, you dirty slave, you and I will have a score to settle.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSGo get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.

  No, idiot, go and get me a crowbar.

  BALTHAZAR Have patience, sir; O, let it not be so!Herein you war against your reputationAnd draw within the compass of suspectThe unviolated honour of your wife.Once this,--your long experience of her wisdom,Her sober virtue, years and modesty,Plead on her part some cause to you unknown:And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuseWhy at this time the doors are made against you.Be ruled by me: depart in patience,And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,And about evening come yourself aloneTo know the reason of this strange restraint.If by strong hand you offer to break inNow in the stirring passage of the day,A vulgar comment will be made of it,And that supposed by the common routAgainst your yet ungalled estimationThat may with foul intrusion enter inAnd dwell upon your grave when you are dead;For slander lives upon succession,For ever housed where it gets possession.

  Have patience, sir; O, please don’t do this!You’re going to ruin your reputationAnd bring your wife into suspicionThough her honor is as of yet untarnished.Listen— you have a lot of experience with her,Her wisdom, virtues, maturity and modesty, She must have a reason that you don’t know:Do not doubt that she will explain laterWhy your doors are closed to you.Take my advice: let’s just leave patiently,And all go out to the Tiger for dinner,And when evening falls you come back aloneTo find out the reason for this strange lockout.If you threaten brute force to break inNow when everyone is out about town,Someone will see and make a vulgar comment,And the common people will make assumptionsAgainst your currently flawless reputationThat may end up contaminatingAnd defiling your grave when you are dead;Since slander lives through succession,and will stay with your family forever.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS You have prevailed: I will depart in quiet,And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.I know a wench of excellent discourse,Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle:There will we dine. This woman that I mean,My wife--but, I protest, without desert--Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal:To her will we to dinner.

  You win: I will leave quietly,And, though I’m upset I’ll try to be happy.I know a wench with charming conversation,Pretty and witty; wild, but also gentle:We’ll dine with her. This woman,My wife—even though I deny it to no avail--has often accused me of being unfaithful with:We will go dine with her.

  To Angelo

  To Angelo

  Get you homeAnd fetch the chain; by this I know 'tis made:Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine;For there's the house: that chain will I bestow--Be it for nothing but to spite my wife--Upon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste.Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me.

  Go to your houseAnd fetch the chain; by now I know it’s done:Bring it, please, to the Porpentine;That’s where she is: I’ll give the chain— Just to spite my wife--To the hostess there: go quickly, good sir.Since my own doors are closed to me,I'll knock elsewhere and see if they turn me away.

  ANGELO I'll meet you at that place some hour hence.

  ANGELO I'll meet you at that place in about an hour.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Do so. This jest shall cost me some expense.

  Do it. This prank is going to be expensive.

  Exeunt

  Enter LUCIANA and ANTIPHOLUS of Syracuse

  LUCIANA And may it be that you have quite forgotA husband's office? shall, Antipholus.Even in the spring of love, thy love-springs rot?Shall love, in building, grow so ruinous?If you did wed my sister for her wealth,Then for her wealth's sake use her with more kindness:Or if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth;Muffle y
our false love with some show of blindness:Let not my sister read it in your eye;Be not thy tongue thy own shame's orator;Look sweet, be fair, become disloyalty;Apparel vice like virtue's harbinger;Bear a fair presence, though your heart be tainted;Teach sin the carriage of a holy saint;Be secret-false: what need she be acquainted?What simple thief brags of his own attaint?'Tis double wrong, to truant with your bedAnd let her read it in thy looks at board:Shame hath a bastard fame, well managed;Ill deeds are doubled with an evil word.Alas, poor women! make us but believe,Being compact of credit, that you love us;Though others have the arm, show us the sleeve;We in your motion turn and you may move us.Then, gentle brother, get you in again;Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her wife:'Tis holy sport to be a little vain,When the sweet breath of flattery conquers strife.

  Could it be that you have completely forgottenA husband's duties? Will you, Antipholus.Even in the spring of your love, let it rot?Will your love be ruined as it grows?If you married my sister for her money,Then even just for her money treat her better than this:Or if you are seeing someone else, be stealthy;Muffle your false love by acting like you are blind and ignorant:Don’t let my sister see it in your eyes;Don’t let your tongue tell your shame;Look sweet, be kind, make disloyalty look good;Make your misconduct look virtuous;At least act like you are a good person, though your heart is tainted;Teach your sin to look holy;Be secretive, lie: why does she have to know?Does a simple thief brag of the things he stole?It’s twice as bad, to be unfaithful to your wife And then to let her see it on your face:Shame’s bastard is fame, which can be managed;Bad deeds are made worse by speaking of them.Alas, poor women! we believe when you say,being so trusting, that you love us;You have someone else on your arm, and we get the sleeve; we move however you want.So, gentle brother, please come to your senses;Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her wife:It can be holy to lie,If it’s a sweet lie that hides an awful truth.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Sweet mistress--what your name is else, I know not,Nor by what wonder you do hit of mine,--Less in your knowledge and your grace you show notThan our earth's wonder, more than earth divine.Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak;Lay open to my earthy-gross conceit,Smother'd in errors, feeble, shallow, weak,The folded meaning of your words' deceit.Against my soul's pure truth why labour youTo make it wander in an unknown field?Are you a god? would you create me new?Transform me then, and to your power I'll yield.But if that I am I, then well I knowYour weeping sister is no wife of mine,Nor to her bed no homage do I owe