The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Sweet mistress—I don’t know what else to call you,Or how you seem to know my name,--You have more knowledge and are more gracefulThan the earth is wonderful and divine.Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak;Show me in my vain and flawed understanding,Covered in errors, feeble, shallow, weak,The hidden meaning behind your words.Against my soul's pure truth why are you tryingTo make it wander in an unknown field?Are you a god? are you recreating me?Transform me then, I'll yield to your power.But if I am really me, then I know very wellYour weeping sister is no wife of mine,Nor do I owe any homage to her bed

  Far more, far more to you do I decline.O, train me not, sweet mermaid, with thy note,To drown me in thy sister's flood of tears:Sing, siren, for thyself and I will dote:Spread o'er the silver waves thy golden hairs,And as a bed I'll take them and there lie,And in that glorious supposition thinkHe gains by death that hath such means to die:Let Love, being light, be drowned if she sink!I am far, far more inclined towards you.O, don’t make me, sweet mermaid, with your song, drown in your sister's flood of tears:Sing, siren, for me to choose you and I will:Spread your golden hairs over the silver waves,And I will lie on them like a bed,And in that glorious position thinkThat any man would be lucky to die there:Let Love, being truth, be drowned if I lie!

  LUCIANA What, are you mad, that you do reason so?

  What, have you gone crazy, talking like this?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Not mad, but mated; how, I do not know.Not crazy, but in love; I don’t know how.

  LUCIANA It is a fault that springeth from your eye.

  It is your eyes playing tricks on you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE For gazing on your beams, fair sun, being by.From gazing at you, shining like the sun.

  LUCIANA Gaze where you should, and that will clear your sight.

  Gaze where you’re supposed to, and that will clear your sight.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE As good to wink, sweet love, as look on night.I would rather close my eyes, sweet love, than look at the darkness of night.

  LUCIANA Why call you me love? call my sister so.

  Why do you call me “love”? call my sister that.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Thy sister's sister.Your sister’s sister.

  LUCIANA That's my sister.

  That's my sister.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE No;It is thyself, mine own self's better part,Mine eye's clear eye, my dear heart's dearer heart,My food, my fortune and my sweet hope's aim,My sole earth's heaven and my heaven's claim.No;

  It is you, my own self's better half,My clearer eye, my heart’s love,My food, my fortune and my dearest dream,My heaven on this earth, and my key to heaven.

  LUCIANA All this my sister is, or else should be.

  My sister is all of that, or she should be.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Call thyself sister, sweet, for I am thee.Thee will I love and with thee lead my life:Thou hast no husband yet nor I no wife.Give me thy hand.Call yourself sister, sweet, for I am you.I love you, I want to spend my life with you:You have no husband yet, I have no wife.Marry me.

  LUCIANA O, soft, air! hold you still:I'll fetch my sister, to get her good will.O, stop, sir! just stay right there:I'll go get my sister, to see what she says.ExitEnter DROMIO of Syracuse

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why, how now, Dromio! where runn'st thou so fast?Why, what’s this, Dromio! where are you running so fast?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Do you know me, sir? am I Dromio? am I your man? am I myself?

  Do you know me, sir? am I Dromio? am I your servant? am I myself?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Thou art Dromio, thou art my man, thou art thyself.You are Dromio, you are my servant, you are yourself.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I am an ass, I am a woman's man and besides myself.I am an ass, I am a woman's servant and beside myself.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What woman's man? and how besides thyself? besides thyself?What woman's servant? and what do you mean beside yourself? Besides yourself?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, besides myself, I am due to a woman; one that claims me, one that haunts me, one that will have me.

  Yes, sir, beside myself, I am servant to a woman; one that claims me, one that haunts me, one that will have me.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What claim lays she to thee?What claim does she have on you?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry sir, such claim as you would lay to yourhorse; and she would have me as a beast: not that, Ibeing a beast, she would have me; but that she,being a very beastly creature, lays claim to me.

  The same kind of claim you have on yourhorse; she wants me like a beast: I don’t mean That if I was an animal, she would have me; I Mean that she, being a very beastly creature, wants to claim me.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What is she?What is she?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE A very reverent body; ay, such a one as a man may not speak of without he say 'Sir-reverence.' I have but lean luck in the match, and yet is she awondrous fat marriage.

  A very momentous person; so weighty a person That before speaking to her one must first say 'Excuse me.' I have had very thin luck with her, and yet she is a ponderously fat marriage.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE How dost thou mean a fat marriage?What do you mean a fat marriage?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, she's the kitchen wench and all grease;and I know not what use to put her to but to make a lamp of her and run from her by her own light. I warrant, her rags and the tallow in them will burn a Poland winter: if she lives till doomsday, she'll burn a week longer than the whole world.

  Well, sir, she's the kitchen wench, so she’s all greasy;and I don’t know what use she is except to make a lamp from all her grease so I can run away by the light of it. She’s so oily I bet she could burn through a Poland winter: if she lives till doomsday, she'll burn a week longer than the whole world.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What complexion is she of?What complexion is she of?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Swart, like my shoe, but her face nothing half soclean kept: for why, she sweats; a man may go over shoes in the grime of it.

  Dark, like my shoe, but nowhere near as clean: because she sweats; you could be ankle deep in the grime of it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE That's a fault that water will mend.That’s nothing a little water couldn’t fix.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, sir, 'tis in grain; Noah's flood could not do it.

  No, it’s ingrained; Noah's flood couldn’t do it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What's her name?What's her name?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nell, sir; but her name and three quarters, that'san ell and three quarters, will not measure her from hip to hip.

  Nell, sir; but her name and three quarters, that'san ell and three quarters, won’t even cover the distance from one of her hips to the other.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Then she bears some breadth?Then she must be wide?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No longer from head to foot than from hip to hip:she is spherical, like a globe; I could find outcountries in her.

  She’s the same head to toe as hip to hip:she is spherical, like a globe; I could find out where countries are by using her.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE In what part of her body stands Ireland?Where would Ireland be on her?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, in her buttocks: I found it out by the bogs.

  In her buttocks: I found it because that’s where it’s boggiest.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where Scotland?Where would Scotland be?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I found it by the barrenness; hard in the palm of the hand.

  I found it where it’s hard and empty; the calloused palm of her hand.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where France?Where is France?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE In her forehead; armed and reverted, making waragainst her heir.

  In her forehead; her receding hairline, making war against her heir.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where England?Where is England?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I looked for the chalky cliffs, but I could find nowhitenes
s in them; but I guess it stood in her chin,by the salt rheum that ran between France and it.

  I looked for chalky cliffs, but her teeth weren’t white enough; So I guess it would be her chin,Because of the slimy sweat on her face between it and France.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where Spain?Where is Spain?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Faith, I saw it not; but I felt it hot in her breath.

  Honestly, I didn’t see it; I felt it in her hot breath.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where America, the Indies?Where is America, the Indies?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Oh, sir, upon her nose all o'er embellished withrubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their richaspect to the hot breath of Spain; who sent wholearmadoes of caracks to be ballast at her nose.

  Oh, sir, all over her nose, it was coveredWith pimples, sores and welts, meltingDown to the hot breath of Spain; who sent its

  Own forces to plug up her nose.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands?Where was Belgium, the Netherlands?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Oh, sir, I did not look so low. To conclude, thisdrudge, or diviner, laid claim to me, call'd meDromio; swore I was assured to her; told me what privy marks I had about me, as, the mark of my shoulder, the mole in my neck, the great wart on my left arm, that I amazed ran from her as a witch:And, I think, if my breast had not been made offaith and my heart of steel,She had transform'd me to a curtal dog and mademe turn i' the wheel.

  Oh, sir, I did not look so low. To conclude, thisPeasant witch, claimed I was hers, called meDromio; swore I was promised to her; told me What birth marks I had, like the one on my shoulder, the mole on my neck, the great wart on my left arm, and I was so shocked that I ran from the witch:And, I think, if my chest hadn’t been so brave or my heart so strong,She would have transformed me into her dog and made me her slave.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Go hie thee presently, post to the road:An if the wind blow any way from shore,I will not harbour in this town to-night:If any bark put forth, come to the mart,Go quickly, keep watch on the road:If the wind is blowing away from shore,I will not sleep in this town tonight:If any ship sets out, come to the mart,

  Where I will walk till thou return to me.If every one knows us and we know none,'Tis time, I think, to trudge, pack and be gone.Where I will be waiting for you.If every one knows us and we know no one,Then I think it’s time to get our things and leave.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE As from a bear a man would run for life,So fly I from her that would be my wife.Like a man would for his life from a bear, I’ll run from the woman who wants to be my wife.Exit

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE There's none but witches do inhabit here;And therefore 'tis high time that I were hence.She that doth call me husband, even my soulDoth for a wife abhor. But her fair sister,Possess'd with such a gentle sovereign grace,Of such enchanting presence and discourse,Hath almost made me traitor to myself:But, lest myself be guilty to self-wrong,I'll stop mine ears against the mermaid's song.Apparently only witches live here;Which means it’s high time I left.That lady who calls me husband, my very soulCouldn’t stand for a wife. But her fair sister,Who is so graceful, and gentle and lovely,Whose presence and conversation enchant me,Has almost made me reveal my identity:But unless I want to betray myself,I better stop up my ears to her mermaid’s song.

  Enter ANGELO with the chainANGELO Master Antipholus,--Master Antipholus,--

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Ay, that's my name.Yes, that's my name.

  ANGELO I know it well, sir, lo, here is the chain.I thought to have ta'en you at the Porpentine:The chain unfinish'd made me stay thus long.

  I know very well, sir, here, here is the chain.I was going to take it to you at the Porpentine:But it took me a long time to finish it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What is your will that I shall do with this?What would you like me to do with this?

  ANGELO What please yourself, sir: I have made it for you.

  Whatever you want, sir: I have made it for you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Made it for me, sir! I bespoke it not.Made it for me, sir? I didn’t order this.

  ANGELO Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have.Go home with it and please your wife withal;And soon at supper-time I'll visit youAnd then receive my money for the chain.

  Not once, or twice, but twenty times you have.Go home, use it to make your wife happy;And soon at supper-time I'll visit youAnd then you can pay me then for it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I pray you, sir, receive the money now,For fear you ne'er see chain nor money more.Please, sir, let me pay you now,Otherwise you may never see the chain or

  money.

  ANGELO You are a merry man, sir: fare you well.

  You are one funny man, sir: goodbye.

  ExitANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What I should think of this, I cannot tell:But this I think, there's no man is so vainThat would refuse so fair an offer'd chain.I see a man here needs not live by shifts,When in the streets he meets such golden gifts.I'll to the mart, and there for Dromio stayIf any ship put out, then straight away.I have no idea what to think of this:But I do think, that no man is too proudTo refuse such a beautiful chain that is offered.It seems like a man here doesn’t have to steal,When people are giving away gold in the streets.I’ll go to the mart and wait for DromioAnd if he says there’s a ship leaving tonight then We will set out immediately.Exit

  Enter Second Merchant, ANGELO, and an Officer

  SECOND MERCHANTYou know since Pentecost the sum is due,And since I have not much importuned you;Nor now I had not, but that I am boundTo Persia, and want guilders for my voyage:Therefore make present satisfaction,Or I'll attach you by this officer.You know you’ve owed me since Pentecost,And I haven’t been pestering you for it;And I wouldn’t now but I have to,

  I need money for my voyage to Persia:So you must pay me back now,Or I'll have this officer arrest you.

  ANGELO Even just the sum that I do owe to youIs growing to me by Antipholus,And in the instant that I met with youHe had of me a chain: at five o'clockI shall receive the money for the same.Pleaseth you walk with me down to his house,I will discharge my bond and thank you too.The exact amount that I owe youIs how much I am about to get from Antipholus,Right before I met youI gave him a chain: at five o'clockHe’s going to pay me for it.If you would like to walk with me to his house,I will gladly pay you back.

  Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus and DROMIO of Ephesus from the courtezan'sOFFICER That labour may you save: see where he comes.

  You don’t have to walk: there he is.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS While I go to the goldsmith's house, go thouAnd buy a rope's end: that will I bestowAmong my wife and her confederates,For locking me out of my doors by day.But, soft! I see the goldsmith. Get thee gone;Buy thou a rope and bring it home to me.While I go to the goldsmith's house, you go And buy a piece of rope: I’ll use it to whipMy wife and her comrades,For locking me out of my house today.But, wait! I see the goldsmith. Get out of here;Go buy a rope and bring it home to me.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS I buy a thousand pound a year: I buy a rope.I buy myself a thousand beatings by buying rope.ExitANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS A man is well holp up that trusts to you:I promised your presence and the chain;But neither chain nor goldsmith came to me.Belike you thought our love would last too long,If it were chain'd together, and therefore came not.Some good it does a man to trust you:I promised that you would come with the chain;But neither you nor the chain ever came.Maybe you thought our love would last longer,If it were chained together, and so you decided not to come.

  ANGELO Saving your merry humour, here's the noteHow much your chain weighs to the utmost carat,The fineness of the gold and chargeful fashion.Which doth amount to three odd ducats moreThan I stand debted to this gentleman:Save your jokes, here's the bill forHow much your chain weighs to the last carat,The fineness of the gold and expensive design.Which amounts to about three more ducatsThan I already owe to this gentleman:

  I pray you, see him presently discharged,For he is bound to sea and stays
but for it.

  If you would, please, pay him now,Since he’s leaving and can’t set sail without it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSI am not furnish'd with the present money;Besides, I have some business in the town.Good signior, take the stranger to my houseAnd with you take the chain and bid my wifeDisburse the sum on the receipt thereof:Perchance I will be there as soon as you.I don’t have the money on me at the moment;Besides, I have some business in the town.Good sir, please take the stranger to my houseAnd take the chain with you, ask my wifeTo give you the money when she gets the chain:I may be there shortly.

  ANGELO Then you will bring the chain to her yourself?

  Then you will bring the chain to her yourself?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS No; bear it with you, lest I come not time enough.No; take it with you in case I don’t come home in time.

  ANGELO Well, sir, I will. Have you the chain about you?

  Well, sir, sounds good. Do you have it with you?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS An if I have not, sir, I hope you have;Or else you may return without your money.If I don’t have it, sir, I hope you do;Or else you may return without your money.

  ANGELO Nay, come, I pray you, sir, give me the chain:Both wind and tide stays for this gentleman,And I, to blame, have held him here too long.

  No, come on, please, give me the chain:Both wind and tide wait for this gentleman,And it’s my fault for keeping him so long.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSGood Lord! you use this dalliance to excuseYour breach of promise to the Porpentine.I should have chid you for not bringing it,But, like a shrew, you first begin to brawl.Good Lord! you’re using this trifling matterTo excuse breaking your promise to meet us.I should have scolded you for not bringing it,But, like a shrew, you started fighting me first.

  SECOND MERCHANTThe hour steals on; I pray you, sir, dispatch.It’s really getting late; please, sir, the payment.