The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  For we must measure twenty miles to-day.

  What sort of question is that!

  As if you were an improper interviewer!

  But, come on, I’ll tell you the whole plan

  When we are in my coach which is waiting for us

  At the park gate. We must hurry away.

  We have to make at least twenty miles today.

  Exeunt

  Enter LAUNCELOT and JESSICA

  LAUNCELOT

  Yes, truly; for, look you, the sins of the father

  are to be laid upon the children: therefore, I

  promise ye, I fear you. I was always plain with

  you, and so now I speak my agitation of the matter:

  therefore be of good cheer, for truly I think you

  are damned. There is but one hope in it that can do

  you any good; and that is but a kind of bastard

  hope neither.

  Yes, it’s true. Look—the sins of fathers

  Are paid for by their children. So, I

  I worried for you. I’ve always been direct with

  you and so I will say what is bothering me in this case:

  Be happy, for I really think you are

  going to hell. There is only one hope

  for you, but that is a sort of illegitimate

  hope.

  JESSICA

  And what hope is that, I pray thee?

  Tell me, what hope is that?

  LAUNCELOT

  Marry, you may partly hope that your father got you

  not, that you are not the Jew's daughter.

  Well, you can hope that your father is not your father,

  and that you are not the Jew’s daughter.

  JESSICA

  That were a kind of bastard hope, indeed: so the

  sins of my mother should be visited upon me.

  That would be an illegitimate hope, yes, and the

  sins of my mother would be upon me in that case.

  LAUNCELOT

  Truly then I fear you are damned both by father and

  mother: thus when I shun Scylla, your father, I

  fall into Charybdis, your mother: well, you are

  gone both ways.

  Well, in that case, I’m afraid you will go to hell because of your father and

  your mother. If you do not fall into one trap—your father—you

  will fall into the other one—your mother. So, you are

  a goner either way.

  JESSICA

  I shall be saved by my husband; he hath made me a

  Christian.

  I will be saved by my husband. He has made me a

  Christian.

  LAUNCELOT

  Truly, the more to blame he: we were Christians

  enow before; e'en as many as could well live, one by

  another. This making Christians will raise the

  price of hogs: if we grow all to be pork-eaters, we

  shall not shortly have a rasher on the coals for money.

  Well, he was wrong to do that. There were plenty of Christians

  before—as many as could stand to live near one

  another. Making more Christians will raise the

  price of pigs. We we all become pork-eaters, we

  will soon not even be able to afford a slice of bacon.

  Enter LORENZO

  JESSICA

  I'll tell my husband, Launcelot, what you say: here he comes.

  I’ll tell my husband, Launcelot, what you have said. Here he comes.

  LORENZO

  I shall grow jealous of you shortly, Launcelot, if

  you thus get my wife into corners.

  I’m going to grow jealous of you, Launcelot, if

  you keep taking my wife into corners like this.

  JESSICA

  Nay, you need not fear us, Lorenzo: Launcelot and I

  are out. He tells me flatly, there is no mercy for

  me in heaven, because I am a Jew's daughter: and hesays, you are no good member of the commonwealth,

  for in converting Jews to Christians, you raise the

  price of pork.

  You don’t need to worry about us, Lorenzo. Launcelot and I

  are on the outs. He tells me frankly that I will not

  go to heaven because I am a Jew’s daughter, and he

  also says you are not being a good citizen

  because by converting Jews to Christians, you are raising the

  price of pork.

  LORENZO

  I shall answer that better to the commonwealth than

  you can the getting up of the negro's belly: the

  Moor is with child by you, Launcelot.

  I think I can say I am a better citizen than

  you can by getting that black woman pregnant. The

  Moor is going to have your child, Launcelot.

  LAUNCELOT

  It is much that the Moor should be more than reason:

  but if she be less than an honest woman, she is

  indeed more than I took her for.

  Well then there’s more of the Moor for a reason,

  but if she is less than an honest woman, she is

  certainly more than I took her for.

  LORENZO

  How every fool can play upon the word! I think the

  best grace of wit will shortly turn into silence,

  and discourse grow commendable in none only but

  parrots. Go in, sirrah; bid them prepare for dinner.

  Any fool is capable of making puns! I think the

  best quality of cleverness will soon be to stay silent.

  and talking will only be highly regarded in

  parrots. Go in and tell the servants to get ready for dinner.

  LAUNCELOT

  That is done, sir; they have all stomachs.

  That is done, sir. They are all hungry.

  LORENZO

  Goodly Lord, what a wit-snapper are you! then bid

  them prepare dinner.

  Good Lord, what a smart aleck you are! Then tell

  them to get dinner ready.

  LAUNCELOT

  That is done too, sir; only 'cover' is the word.

  I believe the term you are looking for, sir, it ‘set the table.’

  LORENZO

  Will you cover then, sir?

  Will you set the table then?

  LAUNCELOT

  Not so, sir, neither; I know my duty.

  No sir, that is not my responsibility.

  LORENZO

  Yet more quarrelling with occasion! Wilt thou show

  the whole wealth of thy wit in an instant? I pray

  tree, understand a plain man in his plain meaning:

  go to thy fellows; bid them cover the table, serve

  in the meat, and we will come in to dinner.

  You’re just finding reasons to be clever! Are you going

  to show me the entire range of you cleverness all at once? Please,

  Just understand very plainly what I mean:

  Go in there and tell the servants to set the table, serve

  the meet and we will come in and eat it.

  LAUNCELOT

  For the table, sir, it shall be served in; for the

  meat, sir, it shall be covered; for your coming in

  to dinner, sir, why, let it be as humours and

  conceits shall govern.

  Regarding the table, sir, the food will be served on it. Regarding

  the meat, sir, it will be on covered plates. Regarding your

  dinner, sir, well just do what you feel is best and

  it will all work out.

  Exit

  LORENZO

  O dear discretion, how his words are suited!

  The fool hath planted in his memory

  An army of good words; and I do know

  A many fools, that stand in better place,

  Garnish'd like him, that for a tricksy word

  Defy the matt
er. How cheerest thou, Jessica?

  And now, good sweet, say thy opinion,

  How dost thou like the Lord Bassanio's wife?

  I can see that he is very good at playing with words!

  The fool has in his head

  An army of useful words, and I know

  Many fools that are in a better position

  That know as many words as he does and engage in word play

  To deflect the subject at hand. How are you, Jessica?

  Tell me what you think about things—

  How do you like Lord Bassanio’s wife?

  JESSICA

  Past all expressing. It is very meet

  The Lord Bassanio live an upright life;

  For, having such a blessing in his lady,

  He finds the joys of heaven here on earth;

  And if on earth he do not mean it, then

  In reason he should never come to heaven

  Why, if two gods should play some heavenly match

  And on the wager lay two earthly women,

  And Portia one, there must be something else

  Pawn'd with the other, for the poor rude world

  Hath not her fellow.

  I like her more than I can say. It is right

  That Lord Bassanio lives in such an upright way,

  And by having such a blessing as her in his life

  He will find more joy here on earth than in heaven.

  If on this earth with her he can not find happiness

  He shouldn’t even bother going to heaven.

  Really, if two gods were playing a game in heaven

  And placed a bet on two earthly women

  With Portia being one of them, there must have been something

  Lost on the other, for the poor rude world

  Does not contain her equal.

  LORENZO

  Even such a husband

  Hast thou of me as she is for a wife.

  I am as good a husband

  For you as she is as a wife.

  JESSICA

  Nay, but ask my opinion too of that.

  You should ask me about that!

  LORENZO

  I will anon: first, let us go to dinner.

  I will later. First, let’s go to dinner.

  JESSICA

  Nay, let me praise you while I have a stomach.

  No, let me say good things about you while I feel like it.

  LORENZO

  No, pray thee, let it serve for table-talk;

  ' Then, howso'er thou speak'st, 'mong other things

  I shall digest it.

  No, please, let’s talk about it at dinner.

  That way, no matter what you say, I’ll take it in with everything else

  and digest it.

  JESSICA

  Well, I'll set you forth.

  Well, I’ll set you straight about it.

  Exeunt

  Enter the DUKE, the Magnificoes, ANTONIO, BASSANIO, GRATIANO, SALERIO, and others

  DUKE

  What, is Antonio here?

  Is Antonio here?

  ANTONIO

  Ready, so please your grace.

  Yes, I am here, sir.

  DUKE

  I am sorry for thee: thou art come to answer

  A stony adversary, an inhuman wretch

  uncapable of pity, void and empty

  From any dram of mercy.

  I feel sorry for you. You’ve come to face

  A hard enemy, an inhuman wretch

  who is incapable of pity—a man who does

  not have the least amount of mercy.

  ANTONIO

  I have heard

  Your grace hath ta'en great pains to qualify

  His rigorous course; but since he stands obdurate

  And that no lawful means can carry me

  Out of his envy's reach, I do oppose

  My patience to his fury, and am arm'd

  To suffer, with a quietness of spirit,

  The very tyranny and rage of his.

  I’ve been told

  You have gone to a lot of trouble to try to stop

  What he is planning to do. But since he is so stubborn

  And no legal means can keep me out

  Of his reach, I will face him

  With patience to match his rage. I am ready

  To suffer this quietly

  As he acts out of cruelty and anger.

  DUKE

  Go one, and call the Jew into the court.

  Someone go tell the Jew to come into the court.

  SALERIO

  He is ready at the door: he comes, my lord.

  He is waiting at the door. Here he comes.

  Enter SHYLOCK

  DUKE

  Make room, and let him stand before our face.

  Shylock, the world thinks, and I think so too,

  That thou but lead'st this fashion of thy malice

  To the last hour of act; and then 'tis thought

  Thou'lt show thy mercy and remorse more strange

  Than is thy strange apparent cruelty;

  And where thou now exact'st the penalty,

  Which is a pound of this poor merchant's flesh,

  Thou wilt not only loose the forfeiture,

  But, touch'd with human gentleness and love,

  Forgive a moiety of the principal;

  Glancing an eye of pity on his losses,

  That have of late so huddled on his back,

  Enow to press a royal merchant down

  And pluck commiseration of his state

  From brassy bosoms and rough hearts of flint,

  From stubborn Turks and Tartars, never train'd

  To offices of tender courtesy.

  We all expect a gentle answer, Jew.

  Move aside and make room so he can stand before me.

  Shylock, eveyone thinks, and I do, too,

  That even though you have carried on in a hateful way

  All the way to the end, it is thought that perhaps

  You’ll surprise us by showing some mercy and pity

  Which would be even more remarkable than the obvious cruelty,

  And that while you say you will take your penalty—

  Which is a pound of this poor merchant’s flead—

  You will not only let that go,

  But, moved to kindness and compassion,

  You will forgive a portion of the principal,

  As you look with pity on his losses

  That have so recently weighed down on him—

  Enough to drive any merchant down

  And that would extract feelings of sympathy

  From the unfeeling and stone-hard hearts

  Of the most unyielding Turks and Tarters, who were never trained

  To offer tenderness or courtesty.

  We all expect a kind answer, Jew.

  SHYLOCK

  I have possess'd your grace of what I purpose;

  And by our holy Sabbath have I sworn

  To have the due and forfeit of my bond:

  If you deny it, let the danger light

  Upon your charter and your city's freedom.

  You'll ask me, why I rather choose to have

  A weight of carrion flesh than to receive

  Three thousand ducats: I'll not answer that:

  But, say, it is my humour: is it answer'd?

  What if my house be troubled with a rat

  And I be pleased to give ten thousand ducats

  To have it baned? What, are you answer'd yet?

  Some men there are love not a gaping pig;

  Some, that are mad if they behold a cat;

  And others, when the bagpipe sings i' the nose,

  Cannot contain their urine: for affection,

  Mistress of passion, sways it to the mood

  Of what it likes or loathes. Now, for your answer:

  As there is no firm reason to be render'd,

  Why he cannot abide a gaping pig;

  Why he, a ha
rmless necessary cat;

  Why he, a woollen bagpipe; but of force

  Must yield to such inevitable shame

  As to offend, himself being offended;

  So can I give no reason, nor I will not,

  More than a lodged hate and a certain loathing

  I bear Antonio, that I follow thus

  A losing suit against him. Are you answer'd?

  I have told you that I intend to do

  What I swear by Holy Sunday to

  Have the penalty due for the forfeit of the loan.

  If you deny me that, it will endanger

  Your city’s rights and freedoms.

  You want to know why I’d rather have

  A pound of rotting flesh instead of receiving

  Three thousand ducats. I won’t answer that.

  Let’s just say it strikes my fancy—is that enough of an answer?

  What if my house had a rat in it

  And I wanted to pay ten thousand ducats

  To have it exterminated? Well, do you have your answer yet?

  Some men don’t like a roasted pig with its mouth open,

  And others go crazy if they see a cat.

  Others, when they get a whiff of the sound of bagpipes,

  Cannot help but urinate. Our fancy,

  Which is connected to our most powerful feelings, determines

  What we like or don’t like. So, for your answer:

  Just as there is no good reason to be found

  Why one man cannot stand a roasted pig,

  And another a harmless and useful cat,

  And another, the coarse sound of a bagpipe, but who has

  To yield to a shameful act because he himself is offended—

  In the same way, I can’t give a reason, and I won’t,

  Beyond a deep-rooted hate and a steady loathing

  for Antonio. So, I will follow through