The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 295
that he's not well, as he has not come home.
And down, down, adown-a, etc.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you,
go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box,
a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.
What are you singing? I don't like these frivolities. Please,
go and get a box green from my cupboard, a box,
green–a box: do understand what I'm saying? A green box.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; I'll fetch it you.
Aside
I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found
the young man, he would have been horn-mad.
Yes, certainly; I'll get it for you.
I'm glad he didn't go in himself: if he had found
the young man, he would have been mad with jealousy.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je
m'en vais a la court--la grande affaire.
Fe, fe, fe, fe! My goodness, it's hot.
I've got to go and see important business at court.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Is it this, sir?
Is this the one, sir?
DOCTOR CAIUS
Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere
is dat knave Rugby?
Yes; put it in my pocket: hurry up, be quick. Where
is that knave Rugby?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
What, John Rugby! John!
Hey, John Rugby! John!
RUGBY
Here, sir!
Here, sir!
DOCTOR CAIUS
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come,
take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.
You are John Rugby, and you are Idiot Rugby. Come on;
bring your sword, and follow me to the court.
RUGBY
'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
I have it ready, sir, here in the porch.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me!
Qu'ai-j'oublie! dere is some simples in my closet,
dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.
By God, I'm late. Good heavens!
What have I forgotten! There are some medicines in my cupboard
that I would not leave behind for the world.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay me, he'll find the young man here, and be mad!
Oh no, he'll find the young man in there, and go mad!
DOCTOR CAIUS
O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron!
Pulling SIMPLE out
Rugby, my rapier!
Oh the devil, devil! What's this in my cupboard? Villain! Thief!
Rugby, bring my sword!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Good master, be content.
Good master, calm down.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Wherefore shall I be content-a?
And why should I be calm?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
The young man is an honest man.
This young man is an honest man.
DOCTOR CAIUS
What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is
no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
What's an honest man doing in my cupboard? There is
no honest man who would be in my cupboard.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth
of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.
I beg you, don't be so hotheaded. Listen to the truth
of the matter: he came to me on an errand from Parson Hugh.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vell.
Well.
SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth; to desire her to--
Yes, indeed; to ask her to–
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Peace, I pray you.
Be quiet, please.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.
You keep your mouth shut. Tell your story.
SIMPLE
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to
speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my
master in the way of marriage.
To ask this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to
put in a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my
master in the matter of marriage.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put my
finger in the fire, and need not.
Yes, that's all it was! But I'll never
get involved with that sort of thing, and don't have to.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper.
Tarry you a little-a while.
Writes
Sir Hugh sent you? Rugby, bring me some paper.
You wait a little while.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
[Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet: if he
had been thoroughly moved, you should have heard him
so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding,
man, I'll do you your master what good I can: and
the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my
master,--I may call him my master, look you, for I
keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake,
scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and do
all myself,--
I am glad he is so calm: if he
had really been stirred up, you would have heard him
very loud and wailing. But nevertheless,
man, I'll do the best I can for your master: and
the long and the short of it is, the French doctor, my
master–I may call him my master, you see, for I
am his housekeeper; and I wash, dry, brew, bake,
scrub, prepare meat and drink, make the beds and do
everything myself–
SIMPLE
[Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge to
come under one body's hand.
That's a lot of work for one person.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
[Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avised o' that? you
shall find it a great charge: and to be up early
and down late; but notwithstanding,--to tell you in
your ear; I would have no words of it,--my master
himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but
notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind,--that's
neither here nor there.
You think so? You will find it
plenty of work: you have to get up early
and go to bed late; but nevertheless–I'll whisper
to you, I don't want it to get around–my master
is in love with Mistress Anne Page himself: but
nevertheless, I know Anne's mind–that's
neither here nor there.
DOCTOR CAIUS
You jack'nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by
gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in dee
park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest
to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good
you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two
stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw
at his dog:
Exit SIMPLE
You monkey, give this letter to Sir Hugh; by
God, it is a challenge: I will cut his throat in the
park; and I will teach a rotten ape of a priest
to stick his nose in. You may go; I don't want you
hanging around. By God, I will chop off his
parts; by God, he won't have enough left
to feed his dog.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
> Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
He is only speaking for his friend.
DOCTOR CAIUS
It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a me
dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I
vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine
host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I
will myself have Anne Page.
That's not the problem: didn't you tell me
that I would have Anne Page for myself? By God,
I will kill that ape of a priest; and I have appointed
the landlord of the Garter to be my second. By God, I
will have Anne Page myself.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We
must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!
Sir, the girl loves you, and everything will be all right.
We must allow people to talk, what the hell!
DOCTOR CAIUS
Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have
not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my
door. Follow my heels, Rugby.
Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY
Rugby, come to the court with me. By God, if I do not
get Anne Page, I will throw you out.
Follow close behind, Rugby.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
You shall have An [exeunt Caius and Rugby] fool's-head of your own. No, I
know Anne's mind for that: never a woman in Windsor
knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do more
than I do with her, I thank heaven.
You shall have An [Caius and Rugby leave] fool's–head of your own. No,
I know what Anne thinks about it: no woman in Windsor
knows more about Anne's feelings than I do; and nobody
has a greater influence on her, thank heavens.
FENTON
[Within] Who's within there? ho!
Hello! Is there anybody home?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you.
Enter FENTON
Who's that, I wonder! Come up to the door, please.
FENTON
How now, good woman? how dost thou?
What's going on, good woman? How are you?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.
I'm all the better for a good man like you enquiring.
FENTON
What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?
What's the news? How is pretty Mistress Anne?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and
gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you
that by the way; I praise heaven for it.
To tell the truth, sir, she is pretty, and honest, and
gentle; and by the way I can tell you that she
likes you; I praise heaven for it.
FENTON
Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my suit?
Do you think I will get anywhere? Won't my proposal be turned down?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but
notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a
book, she loves you. Have not your worship a wart
above your eye?
To tell you the truth, sir, it's all in God's hands:
but nevertheless, Master Fenton, I'll swear on
the Bible, she loves you. Doesn't your worship have a wart
above his eye?
FENTON
Yes, marry, have I; what of that?
I certainly have; what about it?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such
another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever
broke bread: we had an hour's talk of that wart. I
shall never laugh but in that maid's company! But
indeed she is given too much to allicholy and
musing: but for you--well, go to.
Well, there's a story attached to that: my goodness,
she is such a woman, but I must say, as honest a girl
as ever broke bread: we talked for an hour about that wart.
That girl is the only one who can make me laugh! But
she is too inclined to depression and brooding:
except when thinking of you–well, there you go.
FENTON
Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money
for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if
thou seest her before me, commend me.
Well, I shall see her today. Wait, here's money
for you; please speak on my behalf: if
you see her before I do, praise me.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Will I? i'faith, that we will; and I will tell your
worship more of the wart the next time we have
confidence; and of other wooers.
Will I? I certainly shall; and I will tell your
worship more of what she says about the wart the next time
we confer; and I'll tell you about her other suitors.
FENTON
Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.
Good, goodbye; I'm in a great hurry now.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Farewell to your worship.
Exit FENTON
Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not;
for I know Anne's mind as well as another does. Out
upon't! what have I forgot?
Exit
Farewell to your worship.
He's truly a good gentleman: but Anne does not love him;
I know Anne's mind as well as anybody else. Damnation!
What have I forgotten?
Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter
MISTRESS PAGE
What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-
time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them?
Let me see.
Reads
'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though
Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him
not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more
am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry,
so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: you
love sack, and so do I; would you desire better
sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--at
the least, if the love of soldier can suffice,--
that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tis
not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might
For thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF'
What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked
world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with
age to show himself a young gallant! What an
unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard
picked--with the devil's name!--out of my
conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?
Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What
should I say to him? I was then frugal of my
mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill
in the parliament for the putting down of men. How
shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be,
as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
Enter MISTRESS FORD
What, I didn't get any love letters when my
beauty was at its height, and I get them now?
Let's have a look.
‘Don't ask me why I love you, for although love
uses reason as a guide, it does not use it as
a counsellor. You are not young, neither am I;
well then, there's a bond. You are jolly, so am I;
well then, there's another bond. You love sherry,
so do I; who could ask for a more perfect match?
Let it be enough for you, Mistress Page–at least, if the love
of a soldier is good enough–that I love you. I won't ask you
to pity me–that's not something soldiers say–but I say,
love me. Believe me to be,
your own true knight,
by day or night,
or any kind of light,
who will with all his might
for you fight,
John Falstaff.’
What Jewish Herod is this? What a wicked
world: someone who is falling apart with age
acts like a young buck! What unbalanced
impression has this Flemish drunkard got–
in the name of the devil–from my conversation, that
he thinks he can make advances to me like this? Why, he hasn't
met me three times! What did he think I would say
to him? I was most reserved. Heaven forgive
me! Why, I'll put forward a bill in Parliament to have
men suppressed. How shall I retaliate?
For I will retaliate, as sure as he has