The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 296
sausages for guts.
MISTRESS FORD
Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.
Mistress Page! Believe me, I was just going to your house.
MISTRESS PAGE
And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very
ill.
And, believe me, I was just coming to you. You look very
ill.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.
No, I won't believe that; I can show you different.
MISTRESS PAGE
Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Well you do, to my mind.
MISTRESS FORD
Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to the
contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!
Alright then, I do; but I still say I could prove
the opposite. Oh Mistress Page, give me some advice!
MISTRESS PAGE
What's the matter, woman?
What's the matter, woman?
MISTRESS FORD
O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I
could come to such honour!
Oh woman, if it wasn't for just one small thing,
I could be so honoured!
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What is
it? dispense with trifles; what is it?
Forget the small thing, woman! Take the honour. What is
it? Forget the small things; what is it?
MISTRESS FORD
If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,
I could be knighted.
If I would only do something which could get me sent to hell,
I could be knighted.
MISTRESS PAGE
What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights
will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the
article of thy gentry.
What? You lie! Sir Alice Ford! These knights
are sluts; so you should never change
your title.
MISTRESS FORD
We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I
might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat
men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of
men's liking: and yet he would not swear; praised
women's modesty; and gave such orderly and
well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I
would have sworn his disposition would have gone to
the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere
and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to
the tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow,
threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his
belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged
on him? I think the best way were to entertain him
with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted
him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
We are wasting time: here, read this; see how I
might be knighted. I shall never like fat men,
for as long as I have eyes to judge between
men's looks: and yet he did not swear; praised
women's modesty; and gave such a reasonable and
sensible criticism of all improper behaviour, I
would have sworn that his personality must match
the truth of his words; but they are no better suited
to each other than the hundredth Psalm is to
the tune of ‘Greensleeves’. What storm, I wonder, cast
this whale, with so many barrels of oil in his belly,
ashore at Windsor? How shall I take my retaliation?
I think the best way would be to lead him on
until the wicked fire of lust has made him dissolve
in his own fat. Did you ever hear anything like it?
MISTRESS PAGE
Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and
Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery
of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy
letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I
protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a
thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for
different names--sure, more,--and these are of the
second edition: he will print them, out of doubt;
for he cares not what he puts into the press, when
he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,
and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you
twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
Exactly like it, except that the name of Page and
Ford is different! If you want to see a solution to this mystery
of his poor opinion, here's the twin brother of your
letter: but your one can inherit what's on offer; for, I
swear, mine never will. I don't doubt he has a
thousand of these letters, with a blank space left for
different names–in fact, I should think that these are from
his second edition: he doubtless has them printed;
he obviously doesn't care who he sends them to, when
he tries it on with us. I would rather be a giant,
crushed under Mount Pelion. Well, you will find twenty
unfaithful turtledoves before you find a single pure man.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very
words. What doth he think of us?
Why, this is exactly the same; the same handwriting,
the same words. Who does he think we are?
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to
wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain
myself like one that I am not acquainted withal;
for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I
know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
I've no idea: it almost makes me start to question
my own virtue. I look upon myself
as if I am a stranger;
for, unless he knows something about me I don't,
he would never have boarded me with this attack.
MISTRESS FORD
'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him
above deck.
‘Boarding,’ you call it? I'll make sure he keeps
above the deck.
MISTRESS PAGE
So will I: if he come under my hatches, I'll never
to sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let's
appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in
his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay,
till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.
So will I: if he ever invaded me, that would be
the end of my travels. Let's get our revenge on him: let's
arrange a meeting; we'll make him think that he has
a chance with us and lead him on with tantalising promises,
until he has pawned his horses to the landlord of the Garter.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him,
that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O,
that my husband saw this letter! it would give
eternal food to his jealousy.
Absolutely, I will participate in any tricks against him,
as long as it does not produce any stain on our absolute honesty.
Oh, if my husband saw this letter! It would give him
reasons to be jealous for ever.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he's
as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause;
and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.
; Why, look, he's coming; and my husband too: he's
as unlikely to be jealous as I am to give him a reason to be;
and I know that is unthinkable.
MISTRESS FORD
You are the happier woman.
You're better off than me then.
MISTRESS PAGE
Let's consult together against this greasy knight.
Come hither.
They retire
Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYM
Let's plot together against this greasy knight.
Come with me.
FORD
Well, I hope it be not so.
Well, I hope this is not true.
PISTOL
Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:
Sir John affects thy wife.
Hope is a useless thing in some matters:
Sir John fancies your wife.
FORD
Why, sir, my wife is not young.
Why, sir, my wife is not young.
PISTOL
He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.
He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,
both young and old, all at the same time, Ford;
he loves the mixture: Ford, think about this.
FORD
Love my wife!
He loves my wife!
PISTOL
With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,
Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:
O, odious is the name!
With a burning passion. Block him or you'll be like
Actaeon, torn apart by his own dogs:
was a horrible name it is!
FORD
What name, sir?
What name, sir?
PISTOL
The horn, I say. Farewell.
Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night:
Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.
Away, Sir Corporal Nym!
Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
Exit
The name of cuckold, I say. Goodbye.
Be careful, keep your eyes open, for thieves come in the night:
be careful, before summer comes and you find a cuckoo in your nest.
Come on, Sir Corporal Nym!
Believe it, Page; he's telling you the truth.
FORD
[Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.
I will bide my time; I will find out about this.
NYM
[To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour
of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I
should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I
have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity.
He loves your wife; there's the short and the long.
My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tis
true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife.
Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese,
and there's the humour of it. Adieu.
Exit
And it's all true; I do not like
to lie. He has done me wrong: I
should have carried that letter to her; but I
have a sword and I'm not afraid to use it.
He loves your wife; that's the long and the short of it.
My name is Corporal Nym; I swear that what I tell you
is true: my name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your
wife. Goodbye. I'm not going to live on bread and
cheese. Goodbye.
PAGE
'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellow
frights English out of his wits.
'The humour of it,' he says! Here's a fellow
who scares English out of its wits.
[Editor's note: in the speech by Nym, ‘humour’ is used in multiple ways which it is impossible to convey by replacing it with a single modern word, so Page's reference to it here should be noted in the context of the original]
FORD
I will seek out Falstaff.
I will go and find Falstaff.
PAGE
I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
I never heard such a drawling, affected scoundrel.
FORD
If I do find it: well.
If I do find him, we shall see what happens.
PAGE
I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest
o' the town commended him for a true man.
I will never believe such a liar, even if the priest
of the town said that he was honest.
FORD
'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
That makes sense: well well.
PAGE
How now, Meg!
MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward
Hello there, Meg!
MISTRESS PAGE
Whither go you, George? Hark you.
Where are you going, George? Tell me.
MISTRESS FORD
How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?
Hello there, sweet Frank! Why do you look so sad?
FORD
I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.
Me sad! I am not sad. You go home.
MISTRESS FORD
Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now,
will you go, Mistress Page?
You seem to have some daft ideas.
Will you come, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE
Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George.
Aside to MISTRESS FORD
Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger
to this paltry knight.
I'll come with you. You be back in time for dinner, George.
Look who's coming: she shall be our messenger
to this worthless knight.
MISTRESS FORD
[Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I thought on her:
she'll fit it.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
Believe me, I'd already thought of her:
she's just right for the job.
MISTRESS PAGE
You are come to see my daughter Anne?
Have you come to see my daughter Anne?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?
Indeed I have; and, may I ask, how is good Mistress Anne?
MISTRESS PAGE
Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk with
you.
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY
Come in with us and see for yourself: we have a lot to talk to you
about.
PAGE
How now, Master Ford!
Hello there, Master Ford!
FORD
You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
You heard what this scoundrel told me, didn't you?
PAGE
Yes: and you heard what the other told me?
Yes: and you heard what the other one told me?
FORD
Do you think there is truth in them?
Do you think they are truthful?
PAGE
Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would
offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent
towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men;
very rogues, now they be out of service.
Damn them, the scoundrels! I don't think the knight would
try this on: these men who accuse him of having designs
on our wives are both men who've been sacked by him;
they are absolute rascals, now they're not in his employ.
FORD
Were they his men?
Were they his men?
PAGE
/>
Marry, were they.
They certainly were.
FORD
I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at
the Garter?
I don't like it any better for that. Is he lodging at
the Garter?
PAGE
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage
towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and
what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it
lie on my head.
Yes he is. If he intends to make this attempt
on my wife, I'm inclined to turn her loose on him;
if he gets anything more from her than harsh words,
then on my own head be it.
FORD
I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to
turn them together. A man may be too confident: I
would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.
I don't distrust my wife; but I wouldn't like to
put them together. A man can be overconfident: I
don't want any blame on my head: I wouldn't be happy with that.
PAGE
Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes: