The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  I can still see without classes and I see no such thing: there's her cousin if she were not constantly angry, is more beautiful than her as much as the first of May is more beautiful than the last of December. But I hope you don't mean to become a husband, do you?

  CLAUDIO

  I would scarce trust myself, though I had sworn to the contrary, if Hero would be my wife.

  I would hardly trust myself, even if I had sworn against it, if Hero would be my wife.

  BENEDICK

  Is't come to this, i' faith? Hath not the world one man but he will wear his cap with suspicion? Shall I never see a bachelor of threescore again? Go to, i' faith; an thou wilt needs thrust thy neck into a yoke, wear the print of it and sigh away Sundays. Look! Don Pedro is returned to seek you.

  Is it to come to this, by my faith? Does the world only have one man who will stay single? Shall I never see a thirty-year-old bachelor again? Enough, by my faith, and you will have to stick your neck into an ox's harness, wear the mark of it and be imprisoned and regretful for the rest of your life. Look! Don Pedro is back to look for you.

  [Re-enter DON PEDRO.]

  DON PEDRO

  What secret hath held you here, that you followed not to Leonato's?

  What secret has kept you here, that you did not follow to Leonato's?

  BENEDICK

  I would your Grace would constrain me to tell.

  I would prefer your Grace to demand me to tell.

  DON PEDRO

  I charge thee on thy allegiance.

  I charge you by your allegiance.

  BENEDICK

  You hear, Count Claudio: I can be secret as a dumb man; I would have you think so; but on my allegiance mark you this, on my allegiance: he is in love. With who? now that is your Grace's part. Mark how short his answer is: with Hero, Leonato's short daughter.

  You hear, Count Claudio: I can be as secret as a man who cannot speak; I would have you think so; but on my allegiance know this, on my allegiance: he is in love. With who? Now that is your Grace's part. Notice how short his answer is: with Hero, Leonato's short daughter.

  CLAUDIO

  If this were so, so were it uttered.

  If this was true, that is how it would be said.

  BENEDICK

  Like the old tale, my lord: 'it is not so, nor 'twas not so; but indeed, God forbid it should be so.'

  Like in the old story, my lord: 'it is not true, it never was true; but indeed, God forbid that it should be true.'

  CLAUDIO

  If my passion change not shortly. God forbid it should be otherwise.

  If my feelings do not soon change. God forbid it should be otherwise.

  DON PEDRO

  Amen, if you love her; for the lady is very well worthy.

  Amen, if you love her; for she is a very worthwhile lady.

  CLAUDIO

  You speak this to fetch me in, my lord.

  You are teasing me, my lord.

  DON PEDRO

  By my troth, I speak my thought.

  I swear by the truth, I am speaking my thoughts.

  CLAUDIO

  And in faith, my lord, I spoke mine.

  And by my faith, my lord, I spoke mine.

  BENEDICK

  And by my two faiths and troths, my lord, I spoke mine.

  And by my two faiths and two truths, my lord, I spoke mine.

  CLAUDIO

  That I love her, I feel.

  I feel that I love her.

  DON PEDRO

  That she is worthy, I know.

  I know that she is worthy.

  BENEDICK

  That I neither feel how she should be loved nor know how she should be worthy, is the opinion that fire cannot melt out of me: I will die in it at the stake.

  Fire could not melt the opinion out of me; I neither feel how she could be loved or know how she could be worthy: I will die of being burned at the stake.

  DON PEDRO

  Thou wast ever an obstinate heretic in the despite of beauty.

  You always were a stubborn heretic despite all beauty.

  CLAUDIO

  And never could maintain his part but in the force of his will.

  And never could hold onto his position except by force of will.

  BENEDICK

  That a woman conceived me, I thank her; that she brought me up, I likewise give her most humble thanks; but that I will have a recheat winded in my forehead, or hang my bugle in an invisible baldrick, all women shall pardon me. Because I will not do them the wrong to mistrust any, I will do myself the right to trust none; and the fine is,--for the which I may go the finer,--I will live a bachelor.

  That a woman gave birth to me, I thank her; that she raised me, I similarly give my most humble thanks; but that I would stop being a free man, all women should forgive me if I said no. Because I will not do them the wrong to distrust any, I will do myself the right to trust none; and what it all boils down to is that I will live a bachelor.

  DON PEDRO

  I shall see thee, ere I die, look pale with love.

  I will see you, before I die, look pale with love.

  BENEDICK

  With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord; not with love: prove that ever I lose more blood with love than I will get again with drinking, pick out mine eyes with a ballad-maker's pen and hang me up at the door of a brothel-house for the sign of blind Cupid.

  With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord; not with love: and if I ever lose more blood with love than I will get again with drinking, pick out my eyes with a poet's pen and hang me up at the door of a whorehouse to represent blind Cupid.

  DON PEDRO

  Well, if ever thou dost fall from this faith, thou wilt prove a notable argument.

  Well, if you ever do change your mind, you will be a notable argument.

  BENEDICK. If I do, hang me in a bottle like a cat and shoot at me; and he that hits me, let him be clapped on the shoulder and called Adam.

  If I do, hang me in a bottle like a cat and shoot at me; and the man that hits me should be cheered and congratulated.

  DON PEDRO

  Well, as time shall try: 'In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.'

  Well, as time will tell: "In time the savage bull shall carry the yoke."

  BENEDICK

  The savage bull may; but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull's horns and set them in my forehead; and let me be vilely painted, and in such great letters as they write, 'Here is good horse to hire,' let them signify under my sign 'Here you may see Benedick the married man.'

  The savage bull may; but if the sensible Benedick ever carries it, pluck off the the bull's horns and attach them to my forehead; and let me be garishly painted, and in such huge letters as they write "Here is a good horse to hire," let them write under my sign "Here you may see Benedick the married man."

  CLAUDIO

  If this should ever happen, thou wouldst be horn-mad.

  If this ever happened, you would be crazy with passion.

  DON PEDRO

  Nay, if Cupid have not spent all his quiver in Venice, thou wilt quake for this shortly.

  No, if Cupid has not used up all his arrows in Venice, you will quake for this shortly.

  BENEDICK

  I look for an earthquake too then.

  That is as likely as an earthquake.

  DON PEDRO

  Well, you will temporize with the hours. In the meantime, good Signior Benedick, repair to Leonato's: commend me to him and tell him I will not fail him at supper; for indeed he hath made great preparation.

  Well, give it time. Meanwhile, good Sir Benedick, go to Leonato's: thank him for me and tell him I will certainly be at supper; for indeed he has made much preparation.

  BENEDICK

  I have almost matter enough in me for such an embassage; and so I commit you--

  I almost have enough in me to deliver such a message; and so I commit you –

  CLAUDIOr />
  To the tuition of God: from my house, if I had it,--

  [Pretending that Benedick is writing a letter.] To the tuition of God: from my house, if I had it, -

  DON PEDRO

  The sixth of July: your loving friend, Benedick.

  [Joining in the game.] The sixty of July: your loving friend, Benedick.

  BENEDICK

  Nay, mock not, mock not. The body of your discourse is sometime guarded with fragments, and the guards are but slightly basted on neither: ere you flout old ends any further, examine your conscience: and so I leave you.

  No, do not make fun of me, really. The main portion of your conversations is sometimes guarded with fragments, and the guards are only slightly meaningless: before you tease about old endings any further, examine your conscience: and so I leave you.

  [Exit.]

  CLAUDIO

  My liege, your highness now may do me good.

  Sir, your highness may now do me good.

  DON PEDRO

  My love is thine to teach: teach it but how,

  My affection for you can do anything: just tell me how,

  And thou shalt see how apt it is to learn hard lesson that may do thee good.

  And you shall see how useful it is to learn a hard lesson that may do you good.

  CLAUDIO

  Hath Leonato any son, my lord?

  Does Leonato have any son, my lord?

  DON PEDRO

  No child but Hero; she's his only heir. Dost thou affect her, Claudio?

  No child but Hero; she’s his only heir. Are you fond of her, Claudio?

  CLAUDIO

  O! my lord,

  Oh, my lord,

  When you went onward on this ended action,

  When you began this recently completed action,

  I looked upon her with a soldier's eye,

  I looked at her the way a soldier would,

  That lik'd, but had a rougher task in hand

  That liked, but had a rougher job to do

  Than to drive liking to the name of love;

  Than to pursue my liking and turn it to love;

  But now I am return'd, and that war-thoughts

  But now I have returned, and now that war-thoughts

  Have left their places vacant, in their rooms

  Have left their places empty, and in their old rooms

  Come thronging soft and delicate desires,

  Soft and delicate desires come crowding,

  All prompting me how fair young Hero is,

  All telling me how beautiful young Hero is,

  Saying, I lik'd her ere I went to wars.

  Saying I liked her before I went to wars.

  DON PEDRO

  Thou wilt be like a lover presently,

  You will soon be like a lover,

  And tire the hearer with a book of words.

  And exhaust your listeners with a book’s worth of words.

  If thou dost love fair Hero, cherish it,

  If you do love beautiful Hero, cherish it,

  And I will break with her, and with her father,

  And I will tell her, and her father,

  And thou shalt have her.

  And you shall have her.

  Was't not to this end

  Wasn’t this the reason

  That thou began'st to twist so fine a story?

  That you began to tell me such a pretty story?

  CLAUDIO

  How sweetly you do minister to love,

  How sweetly you treat love,

  That know love's grief by his complexion!

  You that know love’s grief by his facial expression!

  But lest my liking might too sudden seem,

  But in case my liking might seem too sudden,

  I would have salv'd it with a longer treatise.

  I would have made a longer speech to salvage it.

  DON PEDRO

  What need the bridge much broader than the flood?

  Why should the bridge be much wider than the river?

  The fairest grant is the necessity.

  The best reason for anything is necessity.

  Look, what will serve is fit: 'tis once, thou lov'st,

  Look, we will go with whatever works: it is once, that you love,

  And I will fit thee with the remedy.

  And I will provide you with a solution.

  I know we shall have revelling to-night:

  I know we shall have dancing tonight:

  I will assume thy part in some disguise,

  I will pretend to be you in some disguise,

  And tell fair Hero I am Claudio;

  And tell beautiful Hero that I am Claudio;

  And in her bosom I'll unclasp my heart,

  And bring our hearts together,

  And take her hearing prisoner with the force

  And convince her with the force

  And strong encounter of my amorous tale:

  And strength of my romantic tale:

  Then, after to her father will I break;

  Then, I will tell her father afterwards;

  And the conclusion is, she shall be thine.

  And the conclusion is, she shall be yours.

  In practice let us put it presently.

  Let us quickly put this into practice.

  [Exeunt.]

  A room in LEONATO'S house

  [Enter LEONATO and ANTONIO, meeting.]

  LEONATO

  How now, brother! Where is my cousin your son? Hath he provided this music?

  Good to see you, brother! Where is my cousin, your son? Has he provided this music?

  ANTONIO

  He is very busy about it. But, brother, I can tell you strange news that you yet dreamt not of.

  He is very busy with it. But, brother, I can tell you strange news that you never dreamed of.

  LEONATO

  Are they good?

  Is it good news?

  ANTONIO

  As the event stamps them: but they have a good cover; they show well outward. The prince and Count Claudio, walking in a thick-pleached alley in my orchard, were thus much overheard by a man of mine: the prince discovered to Claudio that he loved my niece your daughter and meant to acknowledge it this night in a dance; and if he found her accordant, he meant to take the present time by the top and instantly break with you of it.

  It seems to be that way: at least they outwardly appear well. The prince and Count Claudio, walking in a shaded alley in my orchard, were overheard talking by a man of mine: the prince told Claudio that he loved my niece, your daughter, and meant to announce it tonight in a dance; and if he found her willing, he meant to seize the moment and instantly let you know.

  LEONATO

  Hath the fellow any wit that told you this?

  Is the man who told you this a sensible one?

  ANTONIO

  A good sharp fellow: I will send for him; and question him yourself.

  A good sharp fellow: I will ask him to come; and you can question him yourself.

  LEONATO

  No, no; we will hold it as a dream till it appear itself: but I will acquaint my daughter withal, that she may be the better prepared for an answer, if peradventure this be true. Go you, and tell her of it.

  No, no; we will treat it like a dream until it appears as reality: but I will tell my daughter of this, so that she will be prepared for an answer, if eventually this turns out to be true. You go and tell her about it.

  [Several persons cross the stage.]

  Cousins, you know what you have to do. O! I cry you mercy, friend; go you with me, and I will use your skill. Good cousin, have a care this busy time.

  Relatives, you know what you have to do. Oh! I plead with you, friend; come with me, and I will use your skill. Good cousin, take care during this busy time.

  [Exeunt]

  Another room in LEONATO'S house.

  [Enter DON JOHN and CONRADE.]

  CONRADE

  What the good-year, my lord
! why are you thus out of measure sad?

  What on earth, my lord! Why are you so unreasonably sad?

  DON JOHN

  There is no measure in the occasion that breeds; therefore the sadness is without limit.

  There is nothing in this particular occasion that causes it; therefore the sadness is without limit.

  CONRADE

  You should hear reason.

  You should be reasonable.

  DON JOHN

  And when I have heard it, what blessings brings it?

  And if I choose to hear reason, what good does it do me?

  CONRADE

  If not a present remedy, at least a patient sufferance.

  If not an immediate solution, it might at least help you bear it patiently.

  DON JOHN

  I wonder that thou, being, -as thou say'st thou art,--born under Saturn, goest about to apply a moral medicine to a mortifying mischief. I cannot hide what I am: I must be sad when I have cause, and smile at no man's jests; eat when I have stomach, and wait for no man's leisure; sleep when I am drowsy, and tend on no man's business; laugh when I am merry, and claw no man in his humour.

  I am surprised by you being so optimistic, trying to impose morality on me. I cannot hide what I am [an illegitimate son]: I must be sad when I have a reason to, and smile at no man’s jokes; eat when I am hungry, and wait for no man’s leisure; sleep when I am drowsy, and follow no man’s business; laugh when I am cheerful, and not go by the moods of someone else.

  CONRADE

  Yea; but you must not make the full show of this till you may do it without controlment. You have of late stood out against your brother, and he hath ta'en you newly into his grace; where it is impossible you should take true root but by the fair weather that you make yourself: it is needful that you frame the season for your own harvest.