The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Yes, but you must not be too obvious about it until you may do it freely. You have lately stood out against your brother, and he has recently brought you into his favor once more; where it is impossible for you to succeed except by the good circumstances you make yourself: it is necessary that you bright about the season for your own harvest.

  DON JOHN

  I had rather be a canker in a hedge than a rose in his grace; and it better fits my blood to be disdained of all than to fashion a carriage to rob love from any: in this, though I cannot be said to be a flattering honest man, it must not be denied but I am a plain-dealing villain. I am trusted with a muzzle and enfranchised with a clog; therefore I have decreed not to sing in my cage. If I had my mouth, I would bite; if I had my liberty, I would do my liking: in the meantime, let me be that I am, and seek not to alter me.

  I would rather be a thorn in a hedge than a rose in his favor; and it better fits my blood to be hated by all than to find a way to rob love from any: in this, though I cannot be said to be a flattering honest man, it must not be denied that I am a plain and simple villain. I am kept silent and condemned to poverty; therefore I have decided not to sing in my cage. If I had my mouth, I would bite; if I had my liberty, I would do as I liked: in the meantime, let me be what I am, and do not try to change me.

  CONRADE

  Can you make no use of your discontent?

  Can’t you do something useful with your unhappiness?

  DON JOHN

  I make all use of it, for I use it only. Who comes here?

  It is the only thing I use it all. Who comes here?

  [Enter Borachio.]

  What news, Borachio?

  What news [do you have], Borachio?

  BORACHIO

  I came yonder from a great supper: the prince your brother is royally entertained by Leonato; and I can give you intelligence of an intended marriage.

  I came here from a lavish dinner: the prince, your brother, is royally entertained by Leonato; and I can give you information about an intended marriage.

  DON JOHN

  Will it serve for any model to build mischief on? What is he for a fool that betroths himself to unquietness?

  Is it something that I can use to cause mischief? Who is he, the fool that is condemning himself to the chaos of having a wife?

  BORACHIO

  Marry, it is your brother's right hand.

  Why, it is your brother’s right-hand man.

  DON JOHN

  Who? the most exquisite Claudio?

  Who? The ‘wonderful’ Claudio?

  BORACHIO

  Even he.

  Yes, him.

  DON JOHN

  A proper squire! And who, and who? which way looks he?

  A proper gentleman! And who is he interested in?

  BORACHIO

  Marry, on Hero, the daughter and heir of Leonato.

  Why, Hero, the daughter and heir of Leonato.

  DON JOHN

  A very forward March-chick! How came you to this?

  A very daring young person! How did you learn about this?

  BORACHIO

  Being entertained for a perfumer, as I was smoking a musty room, comes me the prince and Claudio, hand in hand, in sad conference: I whipt me behind the arras, and there heard it agreed upon that the prince should woo Hero for himself, and having obtained her, give her to Count Claudio.

  As I was smoking, the prince and Claudio came in my direction, hand in hand, for a serious meeting: I hid behind the stairs, and there I heard it agreed that the prince would woo Hero for himself, and having got her, give her to Count Claudio.

  DON JOHN

  Come, come; let us thither: this may prove food to my displeasure. That young start-up hath all the glory of my overthrow: if I can cross him any way, I bless myself every way. You are both sure, and will assist me?

  Let us go: this may give my displeasure something to feed upon. That young start-up will bring glory to my overthrowing him: if I can wrong him in any way, I bless myself in every way. You are both sure, and will assist me?

  CONRADE

  To the death, my lord.

  Even to the death, my lord.

  DON JOHN

  Let us to the great supper: their cheer is the greater that I am subdued. Would the cook were of my mind! Shall we go to prove what's to be done?

  Let us go eat at the great supper: their cheerfulness is even better when I am subdued. If only the cook agreed with me! Shall we go to find out what is to be done?

  BORACHIO

  We'll wait upon your lordship.

  We will serve your lordship.

  [Exeunt.]

  A hall in LEONATO'S house.

  [Enter LEONATO, ANTONIO, HERO, BEATRICE, and Others.]

  [Enter LEONATO, ANTONIO, HERO, BEATRICE, and Others.]

  LEONATO

  Was not Count John here at supper?

  Wasn’t Count John here at supper?

  ANTONIO

  I saw him not.

  I did not see him.

  BEATRICE

  How tartly that gentleman looks! I never can see him but I am heart-burned an hour after.

  How sour that gentleman looks! Whenever I see him I have heartburn even an hour after.

  HERO

  He is of a very melancholy disposition.

  He has a very melancholy personality.

  BEATRICE

  He were an excellent man that were made just in the mid-way between him and Benedick: the one is too like an image, and says nothing; and the other too like my lady's eldest son, evermore tattling.

  He would be an excellent man, a man that was made exactly midway between him and Benedick: one is too much like a statue, and says nothing; and the other too much like my lady’s eldest son, constantly talking.

  LEONATO

  Then half Signior Benedick's tongue in Count John's mouth, and half Count John's melancholy in Signior Benedick's face,--

  Then half Sir Benedick’s tongue in Count John’s mouth, and half Count John’s melancholy in Sir Benedick’s face, -

  BEATRICE

  With a good leg and a good foot, uncle, and money enough in his purse, such a man would win any woman in the world ifa' could get her good will.

  With some dancing skills, uncle, and enough money, such a man would win any woman in the world if only he could get her goodwill.

  LEONATO

  By my troth, niece, thou wilt never get thee a husband, if thou be so shrewd of thy tongue.

  My goodness, niece, you will never get yourself a husband, if you are so sharp in your talking.

  ANTONIO

  In faith, she's too curst.

  Indeed, she’s too cursed.

  BEATRICE

  Too curst is more than curst: I shall lessen God's sending that way; for it is said, 'God sends a curst cow short horns;' but to a cow too curst he sends none.

  Too cursed is more than cursed: I shall reduce what God sends that way; for it is said, ‘God sends a cursed cow short horns,’ but to a cow too cursed he sends none.

  LEONATO

  So, by being too curst, God will send you no horns?

  So, by being too cursed, God will send you no horns?

  BEATRICE

  Just, if he send me no husband; for the which blessing I am at him upon my knees every morning and evening. Lord! I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face: I had rather lie in the woollen.

  Just that, if he send me no husband; for which blessing I pray in thanks to him upon my knees every morning and evening. Lord! I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face: I would rather be poor.

  LEONATO

  You may light on a husband that hath no beard.

  You may end up with a husband that has no beard.

  BEATRICE

  What should I do with him? dress him in my apparel and make him my waiting-gentlewoman? He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man; and he that is more than a youth
is not for me; and he that is less than a man, I am not for him: therefore I will even take sixpence in earnest of the bear-ward, and lead his apes into hell.

  What should I do with him? Dress him in my clothes and make him my lady-in-waiting? He that has a beard is more than a youth, and he that has no beard is less than a man; and he that is more than a youth is not for me; and he that is less than a man, I am not for him: therefore I will accept a small sum of money and lead his apes into hell.

  LEONATO

  Well then, go you into hell?

  Well then, do you go into hell?

  BEATRICE

  No; but to the gate; and there will the devil meet me, like an old cuckold, with horns on his head, and say, 'Get you to heaven, Beatrice, get you to heaven; here's no place for you maids: 'so deliver I up my apes, and away to Saint Peter for the heavens; he shows me where the bachelors sit, and there live we as merry as the day is long.

  No, but to the gate; and there will the devil meet me, like an old man with an adulterous wife, and say, ‘Go to heaven, Beatrice, go to heaven; this is no place for you unmarried women.” So I deliver up my apes, and away to Saint Peter for the heavens; he shows me where the bachelors sit, and we live there as happily as the day is long.

  ANTONIO

  [To Hero.] Well, niece, I trust you will be ruled by your father.

  Well, niece, I trust you will obey your father.

  BEATRICE

  Yes, faith; it is my cousin's duty to make curtsy, and say, 'Father, as it please you:'-- but yet for all that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy, and say, 'Father, as it please me.'

  Yes, by my faith; it is my cousin’s duty to curtsy, and say, ‘Father, as it pleases you.’ But yet for all that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make a different curtsy, and say, ‘Father, as it pleases me.’

  LEONATO

  Well, niece, I hope to see you one day fitted with a husband.

  Well, niece, I hope to see you one day supplied with a husband.

  BEATRICE

  Not till God make men of some other metal than earth. Would it not grieve a woman to be over-mastered with a piece of valiant dust? to make an account of her life to a clod of wayward marl? No, uncle, I'll none: Adam's sons are my brethren; and truly, I hold it a sin to match in my kinred.

  Not until God makes men of some other material than dirt. Wouldn’t it cause sorrow to a woman to be ruled over with a piece of brave dust? To make an account of her life to a clod of wayward soil? No, uncle, I’ll have none: Adam’s sons are my brothers; and truly, I think it is a sin to commit incest like that.

  LEONATO

  Daughter, remember what I told you: if the prince do solicit you in that kind, you know your answer.

  Daughter, remember what I told you: if the prince does show interest in you in that way, you know your answer.

  BEATRICE

  The fault will be in the music, cousin, if you be not wooed in good time: if the prince be too important, tell him there is measure in everything, and so dance out the answer. For, hear me, Hero: wooing, wedding, and repenting is as a Scotch jig, a measure, and a cinque- pace: the first suit is hot and hasty, like a Scotch jig, and full as fantastical; the wedding, mannerly-modest, as a measure, full of state and ancientry; and then comes Repentance, and with his bad legs, falls into the cinque-pace faster and faster, till he sink into his grave.

  The fault will be in the music, cousin, if you are not courted quickly: if the prince thinks himself too important, tell him there is moderation in everything, and so dance out the answer. For, here me, Hero: wooing, wedding, and regretting is like a Scotch jig, a measure, and a five-step: the first part is hot and hasty, like a Scotch jig, and fully fantastical; the wedding, modest and mannerly as a measure, full of dignity and tradition; and then comes Regret, and with his bad legs, falls into the five-step faster and faster, until he sinks into his grave.

  LEONATO

  Cousin, you apprehend passing shrewdly.

  My relative, you have a clever view of death.

  BEATRICE

  I have a good eye, uncle: I can see a church by daylight.

  I have good vision, uncle: I can see a church by daylight.

  LEONATO

  The revellers are entering, brother: make good room.

  The partiers are entering, brother: give them room.

  [Enter, DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, BALTHASAR, DON JOHN, BORACHIO, MARGARET, URSULA, and Others, masked.]

  DON PEDRO

  Lady, will you walk about with your friend?

  Lady, will you walk about with me, your friend?

  HERO

  So you walk softly and look sweetly and say nothing, I am yours for the walk; and especially when I walk away.

  As long as you walk softly and look sweetly and say nothing, I am yours for the walk; and especially when I walk away.

  DON PEDRO

  With me in your company?

  HERO

  I may say so, when I please.

  I might say so, when I please.

  DON PEDRO

  And when please you to say so?

  And what will make it please you to say so?

  HERO

  When I like your favour; for God defend the lute should be like the case!

  When I like your attention, for God defend the lute should be its case!

  DON PEDRO

  My visor is Philemon's roof; within the house is Jove.

  My mask is Philemon’s roof; Jove [the Roman name for Zeus] is inside the house.

  HERO

  Why, then, your visor should be thatch'd.

  Why, then, your mask should be thatched.

  DON PEDRO

  Speak low, if you speak love.

  Speak softly, if you speak lovingly.

  [Takes her aside.]

  BALTHAZAR

  Well, I would you did like me.

  Well, I wish you did like me.

  MARGARET

  So would not I, for your own sake; for I have many ill qualities.

  I do not, for your own sake; for I have many flaws.

  BALTHAZAR

  Which is one?

  What is one of them?

  MARGARET

  I say my prayers aloud.

  BALTHAZAR

  I love you the better; the hearers may cry Amen.

  That makes me love you more; the hearers may reply, ‘Amen.’

  MARGARET

  God match me with a good dancer!

  BALTHAZAR

  Amen.

  MARGARET

  And God keep him out of my sight when the dance is done! Answer, clerk.

  And God get rid of him when the dance is done! Answer me, clerk.

  BALTHAZAR

  No more words: the clerk is answered.

  I have nothing to say: the clerk is answered.

  URSULA

  I know you well enough: you are Signior Antonio.

  I can tell who you are: you are Sir Antonio.

  ANTONIO

  At a word, I am not.

  Really, I’m not.

  URSULA

  I know you by the waggling of your head.

  I know you by how you move your head.

  ANTONIO

  To tell you true, I counterfeit him.

  To tell you the truth, I am pretending to be him.

  URSULA

  You could never do him so ill-well, unless you were the very man. Here's his dry hand up and down: you are he, you are he.

  You could never do such a good job pretending, unless you were the actual man. Here is his dry hand, absolutely the same: you are him, you are him.

  ANTONIO

  At a word, I am not.

  Really, I’m not.

  URSULA

  Come, come; do you think I do not know you by your excellent wit? Can virtue hide itself? Go to, mum, you are he: graces will appear, and there's an end.

  Oh, come on; do you think I cannot recognize you by your wittiness? C
an virtue hide itself? Enough, stop protesting, you are him: qualities will appear, and that’s the end of it.

  BEATRICE

  Will you not tell me who told you so?

  BENEDICK

  No, you shall pardon me.

  BEATRICE

  Nor will you not tell me who you are?

  BENEDICK

  Not now.

  BEATRICE

  That I was disdainful, and that I had my good wit out of the 'Hundred Merry Tales.' Well, this was Signior Benedick that said so.

  That I am disapproving, and that I took my witty comments under the ‘Hundred Merry Tales.’ Well, this was Sir Benedick who said so.

  BENEDICK

  What's he?

  Who’s he?

  BEATRICE

  I am sure you know him well enough.

  BENEDICK

  Not I, believe me.

  BEATRICE

  Did he never make you laugh?

  BENEDICK

  I pray you, what is he?

  Please tell me, who is he?

  BEATRICE

  Why, he is the prince's jester: a very dull fool; only his gift is in devising impossible slanders: none but libertines delight in him; and the commendation is not in his wit, but in his villany; for he both pleases men and angers them, and then they laugh at him and beat him. I am sure he is in the fleet: I would he had boarded me!

  Why, he is the prince’s jester: a very boring fool; only his gift is in coming up with impossible insults: only immoral men enjoy his company; and the approval is not in his wit, but in his badness; for he both pleases men and angers them, and then they laugh at him and beat him. I am sure he is present at the party: I wish he had come to me!

  BENEDICK

  When I know the gentleman, I'll tell him what you say.

  BEATRICE

  Do, do: he'll but break a comparison or two on me; which, peradventure not marked or not laughed at, strikes him into melancholy; and then there's a partridge wing saved, for the fool will eat no supper that night. [Music within.] We must follow the leaders.

  Do, do: he’ll only make a few insults back at me; which, when they are not noticed or laughed at, will make him gloomy; and then there’s a partridge wing saved, for the fool will eat no supper that night. [Music within.] We must follow the leaders.

  BENEDICK

  In every good thing.

  BEATRICE

  Nay, if they lead to any ill, I will leave them at the next turning.

  No, if they lead us to anything bad, I will leave them at the next turn.

  [Dance. Then exeunt all but DON JOHN, BORACHIO, and CLAUDIO.]