The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

HERO

  No, pray thee, good Meg, I'll wear this.

  No, please, good Meg, I’ll wear this.

  MARGARET

  By my troth's not so good; and I warrant your cousin will say so.

  By the truth it’s not as good; and I predict your cousin will say so.

  HERO

  My cousin 's a fool, and thou art another: I'll wear none but this.

  My cousin’s a fool, and you are another: I’ll wear none other than this.

  MARGARET

  I like the new tire within excellently, if the hair were a thought browner; and your gown 's a most rare fashion, i' faith. I saw the Duchess of Milan's gown that they praise so.

  I like the new clothes inside excellently, if the hair was a shade browner; and your gown is the latest fashion, by my faith. I saw the Duchess of Milan’s gown that they praise in that way.

  HERO

  O! that exceeds, they say.

  Oh! That’s excessive, they say.

  MARGARET

  By my troth 's but a night-gown in respect of yours: cloth o' gold, and cuts, and laced with silver, set with pearls, down sleeves, side sleeves, and skirts round, underborne with a blush tinsel; but for a fine, quaint, graceful, and excellent fashion, yours is worth ten on't.

  By the truth, it’s only a nightgown when compared to yours: gold cloth, and cuts, and laced with silver, set with pearls, down sleeves, side sleeves, and round skirts, trimmed underneath with pink tinsel; but for a fine, quaint, graceful, and excellent fashion, yours is worth ten of it.

  HERO

  God give me joy to wear it! for my heart is exceeding heavy.

  God give me joy to wear it! For my heart is exceedingly heavy.

  MARGARET

  'Twill be heavier soon by the weight of a man.

  It will soon be heavier by the weight of a man.

  HERO

  Fie upon thee! art not ashamed?

  Darn you! Are you not ashamed?

  MARGARET

  Of what, lady? of speaking honourably? is not marriage honourable in a beggar? Is not your lord honourable without marriage? I think you would have me say, 'saving your reverence, a husband:' an bad thinking do not wrest true speaking, I'll offend nobody. Is there any harm in 'the heavier for a husband'? None, I think, an it be the right husband and the right wife; otherwise 'tis light, and not heavy: ask my Lady Beatrice else; here she comes.

  Of what, lady? Of speaking honorably? Is not marriage honorable in a beggar? Is not your fiancé honorable without marriage? I think you want me to say, ‘saving your reverence, a husband:’ since bad thinking does not stop true speaking, I’ll offend nobody. Is there any harm in ‘the heavier for a husband’? None, I think, unless it be the right husband and the right wife; otherwise it is light, and not heavy: ask my Lady Beatrice as well; here she comes.

  [Enter BEATRICE.]

  HERO

  Good morrow, coz.

  Good morning, cousin.

  BEATRICE

  Good morrow, sweet Hero.

  Good morning, sweet Hero.

  HERO

  Why, how now? do you speak in the sick tune?

  Why, what’s going on? Do you speak in a sickly way?

  BEATRICE

  I am out of all other tune, methinks.

  I am all out of all other tune, I think.

  MARGARET

  Clap's into 'Light o' love'; that goes without a burden: do you sing it, and I'll dance it.

  Clap us into ‘Light of Love’; that doesn’t have a chorus: you sing it, and I’ll dance it.

  BEATRICE

  Ye, light o' love with your heels! then, if your husband have stables enough, you'll see he shall lack no barnes.

  You, light of love with your heels! Then, if your husband has enough stables, you’ll see he’ll have no lack of foals.

  MARGARET

  O illegitimate construction! I scorn that with my heels.

  Oh false accusation! I scorn that with my heels.

  BEATRICE

  'Tis almost five o'clock, cousin; 'tis time you were ready. By my troth, I am exceeding ill. Heigh-ho!

  It is almost five o’clock, cousin; it is time you were ready. By the truth, I am exceedingly ill. Heigh-ho!

  MARGARET

  For a hawk, a horse, or a husband?

  BEATRICE

  For the letter that begins them all, H.

  MARGARET

  Well, an you be not turned Turk, there's no more sailing by the star.

  Well, if you are not turned into a Turk, there’s no more sailing by that star.

  BEATRICE

  What means the fool, trow?

  What does the fool mean?

  MARGARET

  Nothing I; but God send every one their heart's desire!

  I mean nothing; but God should send everyone their heart’s desire!

  HERO

  These gloves the Count sent me; they are an excellent perfume.

  These gloves the Count sent me smell lovely.

  BEATRICE

  I am stuffed, cousin, I cannot smell.

  I have a stuffy nose, cousin, I cannot smell.

  MARGARET

  A maid, and stuffed! there's goodly catching of cold.

  A maid, and stuffed! That’s a good way to catch a cold.

  BEATRICE

  O, God help me! God help me! how long have you professed apprehension?

  Oh God help me! God help me! How long have you suspected this?

  MARGARET

  Ever since you left it. Doth not my wit become me rarely!

  Ever since you stopped. Aren’t I unusually witty today?

  BEATRICE

  It is not seen enough, you should wear it in your cap. By my troth, I am sick.

  It’s such a rare thing, you should wear it in your cap. By the truth, I am sick.

  MARGARET

  Get you some of this distilled Carduus Benedictus, and lay it to your heart: it is the only thing for a qualm.

  Get you some of this distilled Carduus Benedictus, and place it over your heart: it is the only thing for sickness.

  HERO

  There thou prick'st her with a thistle.

  There you prickle her with a thistle.

  BEATRICE

  Benedictus! why benedictus? you have some moral in this Benedictus.

  MARGARET

  Moral! no, by my troth, I have no moral meaning; I meant, plain holy-thistle. You may think, perchance, that I think you are in love: nay, by'r lady, I am not such a fool to think what I list; nor I list not to think what I can; nor, indeed, I cannot think, if I would think my heart out of thinking, that you are in love, or that you will be in love, or that you can be in love. Yet Benedick was such another, and now is he become a man: he swore he would never marry; and yet now, in despite of his heart, he eats his meat without grudging: and how you may be converted, I know not; but methinks you look with your eyes as other women do.

  Moral! No, by the truth, I mean no moral; I meant, plain holy-thistle. You may think, perhaps, that I think you are in love: no, by your leave, I am not such a fool to think what I suppose; nor do I suppose not to think what I can; nor, indeed, I cannot think, if I would think my heart out of thinking, that you are in love, or that you will be in love, or that you can be in love. Yet Benedick was once like that as well, and now he has become a man: he swore he would never marry; and yet now, despite his heart, he eats his food without grudging: and how you may be converted I do not know; but I think you look with your eyes as other women do.

  BEATRICE

  What pace is this that thy tongue keeps?

  What are you talking about?

  MARGARET

  Not a false gallop.

  Nothing untruthful, anyway.

  [Re-enter URSULA.]

  URSULA

  Madam, withdraw: the prince, the count, Signior Benedick, Don John, and all the gallants of the town, are come to fetch you to church.

  Madam, withdraw: the prince, the count, Sir Benedick,
Don John, and all the young noblemen of the town have come to fetch you to church.

  HERO

  Help to dress me, good coz, good Meg, good Ursula.

  Help to dress me, good cousin, good Meg, good Ursula.

  [Exeunt.]

  Another Room in LEONATO'S House

  [Enter LEONATO and DOGBERRY and VERGES.]

  LEONATO

  What would you with me, honest neighbour?

  What do you want from me, honest neighbor?

  DOGBERRY

  Marry, sir, I would have some confidence with you, that decerns you nearly.

  Indeed sir, I would confide in you, that [he means ‘concerns’] you closely.

  LEONATO

  Brief, I pray you; for you see it is a busy time with me.

  Be brief, please; for you see it is a busy time for me.

  DOGBERRY

  Marry, this it is, sir.

  Indeed, that it is, sir.

  VERGES

  Yes, in truth it is, sir.

  LEONATO

  What is it, my good friends?

  DOGBERRY

  Goodman Verges, sir, speaks a little off the matter: an old man, sir, and his wits are not so blunt as, God help, I would desire they were; but, in faith, honest as the skin between his brows.

  Goodman Verges, sir, speaks on a bit of a tangent: an old man, sir, and his wits are not so [he means ‘sharp’] as, God help, I would desire they were; but, in faith, honest as the skin between his eyebrows.

  VERGES

  Yes, I thank God, I am as honest as any man living, that is an old man and no honester than I.

  DOGBERRY

  Comparisons are odorous: palabras, neighbour Verges.

  Comparisons are [he means to say ‘odious’, that is, distasteful, he accidentally said they were stinky]: palabras, neighbor Verges.

  LEONATO

  Neighbours, you are tedious.

  Neighbors, you are wasting my time.

  DOGBERRY

  It pleases your worship to say so, but we are the poor duke's officers; but truly, for mine own part, if I were as tedious as a king, I could find in my heart to bestow it all of your worship.

  It pleases your worship to say so, but we are the poor duke’s officers; truly, though, for my own part, if I were as tedious [he has misunderstood and thought this was a compliment] as a king, I could find it in my heart to give it all to your worship.

  LEONATO

  All thy tediousness on me! ha?

  All your time-wasting boredom on me, ha?

  DOGBERRY

  Yea, an 't were a thousand pound more than 'tis; for I hear as good exclamation on your worship, as of any man in the city, and though I be but a poor man, I am glad to hear it.

  Yes, even if it were a thousand pounds more than it is, for I hear as good exclamation on your worship, as of any man in the city, and though I am only a poor man, I am glad to hear it.

  VERGES

  And so am I.

  LEONATO

  I would fain know what you have to say.

  I would like to know what you have to say.

  VERGES

  Marry, sir, our watch to-night, excepting your worship's presence, ha' ta'en a couple of as arrant knaves as any in Messina.

  Indeed, sir, our watch tonight, excepting your worship’s presence, has caught a pair of scoundrels at large, villainous as any in Messina.

  DOGBERRY

  A good old man, sir; he will be talking; as they say, 'when the age is in, the wit is out.' God help us! it is a world to see! Well said, i' faith, neighbour Verges: well, God's a good man; an two men ride of a horse, one must ride behind. An honest soul, i' faith, sir; by my troth he is, as ever broke bread; but God is to be worshipped: all men are not alike; alas! good neighbour.

  A good old man, sir; he will be talking; as they say, ‘when the age is in, the wit is out.’ God help us! It is a world to see! Well said, by my faith, neighbor Verges: well, God’s a good man; and when two men ride on a horse, one must ride behind. An honest soul, by my faith sir; by my truth he is, as ever broke bread; but God is to be worshipped: all men are different; alas, good neighbor!

  LEONATO

  Indeed, neighbour, he comes too short of you.

  Indeed, neighbor, he is far behind you.

  DOGBERRY

  Gifts that God gives.

  LEONATO

  I must leave you.

  DOGBERRY

  One word, sir: our watch, sir, hath indeed comprehended two aspicious persons, and we would have them this morning examined before your worship.

  One word, sir: our watch, sir, has indeed [he means to say they ‘apprehended’ two ‘suspicious’ persons, what he has actually said is that they understood two lucky persons], and we would like to examine them this morning in front of your worship.

  LEONATO

  Take their examination yourself, and bring it me: I am now in great haste, as may appear unto you.

  Take their examination yourself, and bring it to me: I am not in a huge hurry, as you may notice.

  DOGBERRY

  It shall be suffigance.

  It shall be [he means to say ‘sufficient’].

  LEONATO

  Drink some wine ere you go: fare you well.

  Drink some wine before you go: farewell.

  [Enter a Messenger.]

  MESSENGER

  My lord, they stay for you to give your daughter to her husband.

  My lord, they wait for you to give your daughter to her husband.

  LEONATO

  I'll wait upon them: I am ready.

  I’ll go assist them: I am ready.

  [Exeunt LEONATO and Messenger.]

  DOGBERRY

  Go, good partner, go, get you to Francis Seacoal; bid him bring his pen and inkhorn to the gaol: we are now to examination these men.

  Go, good partner, go, get yourself to Francis Seacoal; tell him to bring his pen and inkhorn to the jail: we are now to examine these men.

  VERGES

  And we must do it wisely.

  DOGBERRY

  We will spare for no wit, I warrant you; here's that shall drive some of them to a non-come: only get the learned writer to set down our excommunication, and meet me at the gaol.

  We will spare nothing, I promise; here’s what shall drive some of them to a [he means ‘outcome]: only get the learned writer to set down our [he means ‘communication’; ‘excommunication’ means kicking someone out of a religion], and meet me at the jail.

  [Exeunt.]

  The Inside of a Church.

  [Enter DON PEDRO, DON JOHN, LEONATO, FRIAR FRANCIS, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, HERO, BEATRICE, &c.]

  LEONATO

  Come, Friar Francis, be brief: only to the plain form of marriage, and you shall recount their particular duties afterwards.

  Come, Friar Francis, be brief: only give the basic version of the marriage vow, and you can discuss their particular duties afterwards.

  FRIAR

  You come hither, my lord, to marry this lady?

  You come here, my lord, to marry this lady?

  CLAUDIO

  No.

  LEONATO

  To be married to her, friar; you come to marry her.

  FRIAR

  Lady, you come hither to be married to this count?

  Lady, you come here to be married to this count?

  HERO

  I do.

  FRIAR

  If either of you know any inward impediment, why you should not be conjoined, I charge you, on your souls, to utter it.

  If either of you knows any hidden obstacle, why you should not be wedded, I command you, by your souls, to say it.

  CLAUDIO

  Know you any, Hero?

  Do you know any, Hero?

  HERO

  None, my lord.

  FRIAR

  Know you any, count?

  Do you know any, count?

  LEONATO

  I dare make his answer; none.

  I dar
e answer for him; none.

  CLAUDIO

  O! what men dare do! what men may do! what men daily do, not knowing what they do!

  Oh! What men dare do! What men may do! What men do daily, not knowing what they do!

  BENEDICK

  How now! Interjections? Why then, some be of laughing, as ah! ha! he!

  What’s going on? Interjections? Why then, some are of laughter, as in ah! Hah! He!

  CLAUDIO

  Stand thee by, friar. Father, by your leave:

  Stand by, friar. Father, by your leave:

  Will you with free and unconstrained soul

  Will you with your free and honest soul

  Give me this maid, your daughter?

  Give me this maiden, your daughter?

  LEONATO

  As freely, son, as God did give her me.

  CLAUDIO

  And what have I to give you back whose worth

  And what do I have to give you back whose worth

  May counterpoise this rich and precious gift?

  May repay this rich and precious gift?

  DON PEDRO

  Nothing, unless you render her again.

  Nothing, unless you give her back.

  CLAUDIO

  Sweet prince, you learn me noble thankfulness.

  Sweet prince, you teach me noble tankfulness.

  There, Leonato, take her back again:

  Give not this rotten orange to your friend;

  Do not give this rotten orange to your friend;

  She's but the sign and semblance of her honour.

  She only looks like she is honorable.

  Behold! how like a maid she blushes here.

  Look! See how she blushes like a virgin here.

  O! what authority and show of truth

  Oh, with what authority and show of truth

  Can cunning sin cover itself withal.

  Can cunning sin hide itself!

  Comes not that blood as modest evidence

  Does that blood not come as humble evidence

  To witness simple virtue? Would you not swear,

  To prove simple virtue? Would you not swear,

  All you that see her, that she were a maid,

  All you that see her, that she were a virgin,

  By these exterior shows? But she is none:

  By these outward signs? But she is not one:

  She knows the heat of a luxurious bed;

  Her blush is guiltiness, not modesty.

  LEONATO

  What do you mean, my lord?

  CLAUDIO

  Not to be married,

  Not to knit my soul to an approved wanton.

  Not to join my soul to a loose woman.