The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Why, Petruchio is coming, in [an extremely ragged and shabby outfit, described in extreme but unimportant detail].

  BAPTISTA. Who comes with him?

  BIONDELLO. O, sir! his lackey, for all the world caparisoned like the horse; with a linen stock on one leg and a kersey boot-hose on the other, gartered with a red and blue list; an old hat, and the 'humour of forty fancies' prick'd in't for a feather: a monster, a very monster in apparel, and not like a Christian footboy or a gentleman's lackey.

  Oh, sir, his servant, for all the world dressed like the horse; [in also a terrible and embarrassing outfit].

  TRANIO. 'Tis some odd humour pricks him to this fashion;

  It is only some strange mood that makes him behave like this;

  Yet oftentimes lie goes but mean-apparell'd.

  Often he goes about in a poor man's clothes.

  BAPTISTA. I am glad he's come, howsoe'er he comes.

  I am glad he has come, no matter how he comes.

  BIONDELLO. Why, sir, he comes not.

  Why, sir, he does not come.

  BAPTISTA. Didst thou not say he comes?

  Didn't you say he comes?

  BIONDELLO. Who? that Petruchio came?

  BAPTISTA. Ay, that Petruchio came.

  Yes, that Petruchio came.

  BIONDELLO. No, sir; I say his horse comes, with him on his back.

  BAPTISTA. Why, that's all one.

  Why, that's all the same thing.

  BIONDELLO. Nay, by Saint Jamy,

  No, by Saint Jamy,

  I hold you a penny,

  I would bet you a penny,

  A horse and a man

  Is more than one,

  And yet not many.

  [Enter PETRUCHIO and GRUMIO.]

  PETRUCHIO. Come, where be these gallants? Who is at home?

  Come, where are these young men? Who is at home?

  BAPTISTA. You are welcome, sir.

  PETRUCHIO. And yet I come not well.

  And yet I do not come well.

  BAPTISTA. And yet you halt not.

  And yet you do not hesitate.

  TRANIO. Not so well apparell'd

  Not so well dressed

  As I wish you were.

  PETRUCHIO. Were it better, I should rush in thus.

  If it was better, I would rush in this way.

  But where is Kate? Where is my lovely bride?

  How does my father? Gentles, methinks you frown;

  How is my father? Gentleman, I think you are frowning;

  And wherefore gaze this goodly company,

  And why is this good company staring,

  As if they saw some wondrous monument,

  As if they saw some startling sight,

  Some comet or unusual prodigy?

  Some comet or unusual happening?

  BAPTISTA. Why, sir, you know this is your wedding-day:

  First were we sad, fearing you would not come;

  Now sadder, that you come so unprovided.

  Now sadder, that you come looking so awful.

  Fie! doff this habit, shame to your estate,

  Enough! Take off these clothes, a shame to your wealth,

  An eye-sore to our solemn festival.

  TRANIO. And tell us what occasion of import

  And tell us what important thing

  Hath all so long detain'd you from your wife,

  Has kept you from your wife for so long,

  And sent you hither so unlike yourself?

  And sent you here so unlike yourself?

  PETRUCHIO. Tedious it were to tell, and harsh to hear;

  It would be boring to tell, and harsh to hear;

  Sufficeth, I am come to keep my word,

  Let it be enough to say that I have come to keep my word,

  Though in some part enforced to digress;

  Though I was forced to not come straight away;

  Which at more leisure I will so excuse

  Which when I have more time I will explain

  As you shall well be satisfied withal.

  In such a way that you will be satisfied.

  But where is Kate? I stay too long from her;

  The morning wears, 'tis time we were at church.

  The morning is passing by, it is time we were at church.

  TRANIO. See not your bride in these unreverent robes;

  Do not see your bride in these inappropriate robes;

  Go to my chamber, put on clothes of mine.

  Go to my room, put on clothes of mine.

  PETRUCHIO. Not I, believe me: thus I'll visit her.

  Not I, believe me: I'll visit her like this.

  BAPTISTA. But thus, I trust, you will not marry her.

  But I trust you will not marry her like this.

  PETRUCHIO. Good sooth, even thus; therefore ha' done with words;

  Truthfully, just like this; therefore enough talking about it;

  To me she's married, not unto my clothes.

  She's marrying me, not my clothes

  Could I repair what she will wear in me

  If I could fix up what she will find in me

  As I can change these poor accoutrements,

  As I can change these shabby clothes,

  'Twere well for Kate and better for myself.

  It would be good for Kate and even better for myself.

  But what a fool am I to chat with you

  But what a fool I am being to chat with you

  When I should bid good-morrow to my bride,

  When I should wish good morning to my bride,

  And seal the title with a lovely kiss!

  And confirm the title with a lovely kiss!

  [Exeunt PETRUCHIO, GRUMIO, and BIODELLO.]

  TRANIO. He hath some meaning in his mad attire.

  He has some meaning in his crazy clothing.

  We will persuade him, be it possible,

  We will convince him, if it is possible,

  To put on better ere he go to church.

  To put on better before he goes to church.

  BAPTISTA. I'll after him and see the event of this.

  I'll go after him and see what follows.

  [Exeunt BAPTISTA, GREMIO and ATTENDENTS.]

  TRANIO. But to her love concerneth us to add

  But to her love it concerns us to add

  Her father's liking; which to bring to pass,

  Her father's liking; which to make happen,

  As I before imparted to your worship,

  As I previously told your worship,

  I am to get a man,--whate'er he be

  I am to get a man, -- whoever he is

  It skills not much; we'll fit him to our turn,--

  It doesn't really matter; we'll make him suit our needs, --

  And he shall be Vincentio of Pisa,

  And make assurance here in Padua,

  And promise here in Padua

  Of greater sums than I have promised.

  Even larger amounts of money than I have promised.

  So shall you quietly enjoy your hope,

  So you shall quietly get what you want,

  And marry sweet Bianca with consent.

  LUCENTIO. Were it not that my fellow schoolmaster

  If it were not that my fellow teacher

  Doth watch Bianca's steps so narrowly,

  Watches Bianca's every move so carefully,

  'Twere good, methinks, to steal our marriage;

  It would be good, I think, to elope;

  Which once perform'd, let all the world say no,

  Which once performed, let all the world say no,

  I'll keep mine own despite of all the world.

  I'll keep what is mine no matter what the world says.

  TRANIO. That by degrees we mean to look into,

  We can plan to look into that bit by bit,

  And watch our vantage in this business.

  And watch our advantage in this business.

  We'll over-reach the greybeard, G
remio,

  We'll outdo the old man, Gremio,

  The narrow-prying father, Minola,

  The careful father, Minola,

  The quaint musician, amorous Licio;

  The quaint musician, passionate Licio;

  All for my master's sake, Lucentio.

  [Re-enter GREMIO.]

  Signior Gremio, came you from the church?

  Sir Gremio, did you come from the church?

  GREMIO. As willingly as e'er I came from school.

  As willingly as I ever came from school.

  TRANIO. And is the bride and bridegroom coming home?

  GREMIO. A bridegroom, say you? 'Tis a groom indeed,

  A bridegroom, you say? It is a groom indeed,

  A grumbling groom, and that the girl shall find.

  TRANIO. Curster than she? Why, 'tis impossible.

  More cursed than she is? Why, it's impossible.

  GREMIO. Why, he's a devil, a devil, a very fiend.

  TRANIO. Why, she's a devil, a devil, the devil's dam.

  Why, she's a devil, a devil, the devil's wife.

  GREMIO. Tut! she's a lamb, a dove, a fool, to him.

  Huh! She's a lamb, a dove, a fool - to him.

  I'll tell you, Sir Lucentio: when the priest

  Should ask if Katherine should be his wife,

  'Ay, by gogs-wouns' quoth he, and swore so loud

  'Yes, by God's wounds,' he says, and swore so loud

  That, all amaz'd, the priest let fall the book;

  That, full of amazement, the priest dropped the book;

  And as he stoop'd again to take it up,

  And as he stooped again to pick it up,

  The mad-brain'd bridegroom took him such a cuff

  The insane bridegroom gave him such a punch

  That down fell priest and book, and book and priest:

  That the priest and the book fell:

  'Now take them up,' quoth he 'if any list.'

  'Now pick them up,' he said, 'if any tilt.'

  TRANIO. What said the wench, when he rose again?

  What did the girl say, when he rose again?

  GREMIO. Trembled and shook, for why, he stamp'd and swore

  Trembled and shook, for why, he stamped and swore

  As if the vicar meant to cozen him.

  As if the vicar meant to cheat him.

  But after many ceremonies done,

  But after the many ceremonies were finished,

  He calls for wine: 'A health!' quoth he, as if

  He calls for wine: 'A health!' he says, as if

  He had been abroad, carousing to his mates

  He had been out and about, having fun with his friends

  After a storm; quaff'd off the muscadel,

  After a storm; drank deeply out of his cup,

  And threw the sops all in the sexton's face,

  And threw what was left in the sexton's face,

  Having no other reason

  But that his beard grew thin and hungerly

  Except his beard became thin and hungry

  And seem'd to ask him sops as he was drinking.

  And seemed to ask him for leftovers as was drinking.

  This done, he took the bride about the neck,

  This done, he grabbed the bride around the neck,

  And kiss'd her lips with such a clamorous smack

  And kissed her lips with such a loud smack

  That at the parting all the church did echo.

  That when they separated the whole church echoed.

  And I, seeing this, came thence for very shame;

  And I, seeing this, came here out of shame;

  And after me, I know, the rout is coming.

  And after me, I know, the turning of the tables is coming.

  Such a mad marriage never was before.

  There was never such an insane marriage before.

  Hark, hark! I hear the minstrels play.

  Listen, listen! I hear the minstrels play.

  [Music.]

  [Enter PETRUCHIO, KATHERINA, BIANCA, BAPTISTA, HORTENSIO, GRUMIO, and Train.]

  PETRUCHIO. Gentlemen and friends, I thank you for your pains:

  Gentlemen and friends, I thank you for your troubles:

  I know you think to dine with me to-day,

  I know you think to have dinner with me today,

  And have prepar'd great store of wedding cheer

  And have prepared a huge feast of wedding celebration

  But so it is- my haste doth call me hence,

  But this is the situation - my business means I must go,

  And therefore here I mean to take my leave.

  And therefore I mean to leave from here.

  BAPTISTA. Is't possible you will away to-night?

  Is it possible you will go away tonight?

  PETRUCHIO. I must away to-day before night come.

  I must go away today before night comes.

  Make it no wonder: if you knew my business,

  Do not be surprised: if you knew my business,

  You would entreat me rather go than stay.

  You would beg me to go rather than stay.

  And, honest company, I thank you all,

  That have beheld me give away myself

  That have watched me give myself away

  To this most patient, sweet, and virtuous wife.

  Dine with my father, drink a health to me.

  For I must hence; and farewell to you all.

  For I must go from here; and farewell to you all.

  TRANIO. Let us entreat you stay till after dinner.

  Let us beg you to stay until after dinner.

  PETRUCHIO. It may not be.

  GREMIO. Let me entreat you.

  PETRUCHIO. It cannot be.

  KATHERINA. Let me entreat you.

  PETRUCHIO. I am content.

  KATHERINA. Are you content to stay?

  PETRUCHIO. I am content you shall entreat me stay;

  But yet not stay, entreat me how you can.

  KATHERINA. Now, if you love me, stay.

  PETRUCHIO. Grumio, my horse!

  GRUMIO. Ay, sir, they be ready; the oats have eaten the horses.

  KATHERINA. Nay, then,

  No, then,

  Do what thou canst, I will not go to-day;

  Do what you can, I will not go today;

  No, nor to-morrow, not till I please myself.

  No, nor tomorrow, not until I please myself.

  The door is open, sir; there lies your way;

  You may be jogging whiles your boots are green;

  You may run around while your boots are new;

  For me, I'll not be gone till I please myself.

  For me, I will not go until I wish.

  'Tis like you'll prove a jolly surly groom