The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 385
Why, he earns three thousand ducats a year [that's a lot of money].
MARIA
Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:
Yes, but he'll only have a year in all these ducats:
he's a very fool and a prodigal.
he's a fool and frivolous.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the
Nonsense! He plays
viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages
the violin, and speaks three or four languages
word for word without book, and hath all the good
without having to consult a book, and has all the good
gifts of nature.
talents anyone could ask for.
MARIA
He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that
He is talented indeed: because he's also
he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that
a fool, he gets into fights: and except for
he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he
him being too much of a coward to really do
hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent
all the fighting he wants, it is thought among the more careful
he would quickly have the gift of a grave.
that he would quickly get himself killed.
SIR TOBY BELCH
By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors
By this hand, only terrible people
that say so of him. Who are they?
would say these things of him. Who are they?
MARIA
They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.
They that add, also, that he gets drunk every night with you.
SIR TOBY BELCH
With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to
Toasting my niece: I'll drink in honor
her as long as there is a passage in my throat and
of her as long as there is space in my throat and
drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill
drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a dishonorable man
that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn
that will not drink to my niece until his brains turn
o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!
inside out on themselves with drunkenness. Woman!
Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
Enough now! For here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
Enter SIR ANDREW
SIR ANDREW
Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!
Sir Toby Belch! How are things, Sir Toby Belch?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Sweet Sir Andrew!
Sweet Sir Andrew!
SIR ANDREW
Bless you, fair shrew.
Bless you, lovely lady.
MARIA
And you too, sir.
And you want this too, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
Interrupt, Sir Andrew, interrupt.
SIR ANDREW
What's that?
What is that?
SIR TOBY BELCH
My niece's chambermaid.
My niece's personal maid.
SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
Good Miss Accost, I want to get to know you better.
MARIA
My name is Mary, sir.
My name is Mary, sir.
SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Mary Accost,--
Good Miss Mary Accost, -
SIR TOBY BELCH
You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board
You're confused, knight; 'accost' means to front her, board her,
her, woo her, assail her.
woo her, go after her.
SIR ANDREW
By my troth, I would not undertake her in this
Truthfully, I would not undertake her right here
company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?
and right now. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?
MARIA
Fare you well, gentlemen.
Farewell, gentlemen.
SIR TOBY BELCH
An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst
If you're going to be difficult, Sir Andrew, I wish you would
never draw sword again.
never draw your sword again.
SIR ANDREW
An you part so, mistress, I would I might never
If you leave like that, Miss, I hope I would never
draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have
draw my sword again. Beautiful lady, do you think you have
fools in hand?
fools that you are dealing with?
MARIA
Sir, I have not you by the hand.
Sir, I do not have you by the hand.
SIR ANDREW
Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
By Mary, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
MARIA
Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring
Now, sir, 'thought is free:' please, bring
your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.
your hand to bar and let it drink.
SIR ANDREW
Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor?
Why, sweetheart? What kind of humor are you using?
MARIA
It's dry, sir.
It is dry [as in deadpan] sir.
SIR ANDREW
Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can
Why, I think so: I am not such an ass that I can't
keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?
keep my hand dry. But what's your joke?
MARIA
A dry jest, sir.
A dry joke, sir.
SIR ANDREW
Are you full of them?
Are you full of jokes?
MARIA
Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,
Yes, sir, I have them at the tips of my fingers: by Mary,
now I let go your hand, I am barren.
now that I let go of your hand, I am done.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I
Oh knight you're without anything to say: when did I
see thee so put down?
ever see you so put down?
SIR ANDREW
Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary
Never in your life, I think; unless you see a canary
put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit
put me down. Sometimes I think I have no more intelligence
than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a
than any ordinary person has: but I am a
great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.
glutton and I believe that ruins me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
No question.
No question.
SIR ANDREW
An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home
And having said that, I'll confirm it. I'll ride home
Tomorrow, Sir Toby.
Tomorrow, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Pourquoi, my dear knight?
Pourquoi ("why" in French) my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW
What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had
What is 'Pourquoi'? Do or not do? I wish that I had
bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in
used the time studying languages that I have in
fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but
fencing, dancing, and watching bears fight dogs: oh, if only I had
followed the arts!
studied
the arts!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
Then you would have had an excellent head of hair.
SIR ANDREW
Why, would that have mended my hair?
Why, would that have fixed my hair?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
Definitely; for you see it will not curl naturally [he's making a pun about 'artificial' as opposed to 'natural'].
SIR ANDREW
But it becomes me well enough, does't not?
But it looks good enough on me, doesn't it?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I
Excellent; it hangs like spinning fiber on a wheel; and I
hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs
hope to see a housewife take you between her legs
and spin it off.
and twist it off.
SIR ANDREW
Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece
By my faith, I'll go home tomorrow, Sir Toby: your niece
will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one
refuses to be seen; or if she does become willing, it's more than likely
she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.
she'll not want me: the count himself here is courting her hard.
SIR TOBY BELCH
She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above
She doesn't want the count: she refuses to marry above
her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I
her level, not in wealth, age, or intelligence; I
have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't,
have heard her swear it. Tut, there's still hope for you,
man.
man.
SIR ANDREW
I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the
I'll stay a month longer. I am a man of the
strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques
strangest mind in the world; I delight in plays
and revels sometimes altogether.
and dances and parties all the time.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?
Are you any good at these pastimes, knight?
SIR ANDREW
As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the
As any man in Illyria, whatever he is, under the
degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare
level of those better than me; and yet I will not compete
with an old man.
with an old man.
SIR TOBY BELCH
What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
What is your particular talent, knight?
SIR ANDREW
Faith, I can cut a caper.
By my faith, I can dance.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And I can cut the mutton to't.
And I can compete with that.
SIR ANDREW
And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong
And I think I can do gymnastics simply as strong
as any man in Illyria.
as any man in Illyria.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have
Why are these things hidden? Why do
these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to
these gifts have a curtain before them? Are they meant
take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost
to gather dust? Why do
thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in
You not dance your way to church and come home in
a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not
glory? My very walk should be a jig; I would not
so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What
so much urinate but in a fountain. What
dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in?
do you mean? Is the world meant for hiding virtues?
I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy
I did think, by the excellent structure of your
leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.
legs, that they were meant for dancing.
SIR ANDREW
Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a
Yes, my legs are strong, and they do well
flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?
in bright clothing. Shall we go about having some fun?
SIR TOBY BELCH
What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?
What else we should do? Weren't we born under the sign of Taurus?
SIR ANDREW
Taurus! That's sides and heart.
Taurus [as in the zodiac sign]! That gives me heart.
SIR TOBY BELCH
No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!
Let me see the leap; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!
Exeunt
Enter VALENTINE and VIOLA in man's attire
VALENTINE
If the duke continue these favours towards you,
If the duke continues these favors towards you,
Cesario, you are like to be much advanced: he hath
Cesario, you are likely to be highly promoted: he has
known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.
only known you for three days, and already you are no stranger.
VIOLA
You either fear his humour or my negligence, that
You either fear his changing his mind or me no longer doing well, that makes you
you call in question the continuance of his love:
question the continuing of his love:
is he inconstant, sir, in his favours?
is he inconsistent, sir, in his favors?
VALENTINE
No, believe me.
No, believe me.
VIOLA
I thank you. Here comes the count.
Thank you. Here comes the count.
Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and Attendants
DUKE ORSINO
Who saw Cesario, ho?
Who saw Cesario, hm?
VIOLA
On your attendance, my lord; here.
Serving you, sir; here.
DUKE ORSINO
Stand you a while aloof, Cesario,
Stand away for a bit, Cesario,
Thou know'st no less but all; I have unclasp'd
You know nothing less than everything; I have revealed
To thee the book even of my secret soul:
To you even the book of my secret soul:
Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her;
Therefore, good young man, walk to her;
Be not denied access, stand at her doors,
Do not be denied access to her, stand at her doors,
And tell them, there thy fixed foot shall grow
And tell them that you will stand there
Till thou have audience.
Until she will see you.
VIOLA
Sure, my noble lord,
Sure, my noble lord,
If she be so abandon'd to her sorrow
If she is so full of sadness
As it is spoke, she never will admit me.
As it is said, she will never let me in.
DUKE ORSINO
Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds
Be loud and rude
Rather than make unprofited return.
Rather than return empty-handed.
VIOLA
Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?
So if I do speak with her, sir, what then?
DUKE ORSINO
O, then unfold the passion of my love,
Oh, then explain to her the depth of my love,
Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith:
Surprise her with an explanation of my devotion:
It shall become thee well to act my woes;
It will be good for you to help my troubles;
She will attend it better in thy youth
She will react to it better from someone young
Than in a nuncio's of more grave aspect.
Than from an older suitor.
VIOLA
I think not so, my lord.
I do not think so, sir.
DUKE ORSINO
Dear lad, believe it;
Dear boy, believe it;
For they shall yet belie thy happy years,
For they will still be tricked by your youth,
That say thou art a man: Diana's lip
That say you are a man: Diana's lip
Is not more smooth and rubious; thy small pipe
Is not more smooth and plump; your slender throat
Is as the maiden's organ, shrill and sound,
Is like a young lady's, high-pitched and strong,
And all is semblative a woman's part.
And everything is like a woman's.
I know thy constellation is right apt
I know your destiny is meant
For this affair. Some four or five attend him;
For this business. Some for or five of you help him;
All, if you will; for I myself am best
All, if you wish; for I myself am best
When least in company. Prosper well in this,
When I am alone. Do well in this,
And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord,
And you will live as freely as your lord,
To call his fortunes thine.
To call his fortunes yours.
VIOLA
I'll do my best
I'll do my best
To woo your lady: