The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 386
To romance your lady:
Aside
yet, a barful strife!
Oh, but such trouble and distress!
Whoe'er I woo, myself would be his wife.
I am now in love with him myself.
Exeunt
SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house.
Enter MARIA and Clown
MARIA
Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will
No, either tell me where you have been, or I will
not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in
not open my lips even wide enough for a hair in
way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.
giving you an excuse: my lady will hang you for your absence.
Clown
Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this
Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world
world needs to fear no colours.
does not need to fear any colors.
MARIA
Make that good.
Explain that.
Clown
He shall see none to fear.
He shall have nothing to fear.
MARIA
A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that
A good solid answer: I can tell you where that
saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'
saying came from, the one of 'I fear no colors.'
Clown
Where, good Mistress Mary?
Where, good Mistress Mary?
MARIA
In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
In the wars; and it is very risky of you to say it.
Clown
Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those
Well, may God give wise people wisdom, and for those
that are fools, let them use their talents.
that are fools, let them use their other abilities.
MARIA
Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or,
Yet you will be hanged for being gone for so long; or
to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?
being fired, is that not as good as a hanging to you?
Clown
Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and,
Many good hangings prevent bad marriages; and,
for turning away, let summer bear it out.
as for being fired, let the summer weather take care of me.
MARIA
You are resolute, then?
You are decided, then?
Clown
Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.
No, I am not; but I have resolved two points.
MARIA
That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both
That if one breaks, the other will hold on; or, if both
break, your gaskins fall.
break, you will fall.
Clown
Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if
Appropriate, indeed; very approriate. Well, go your way; if
Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a
Sir Toby gave up drinking, you were as witty a
piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
woman as any in Illyria.
MARIA
Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my
Quiet, you rogue, enough of that. Here comes my
lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.
lady: excuse yourself well, you're the best one to do it.
Exit
Clown
Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!
Wit, as it is up to you, make me a good fool!
Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft
Those witty people, that think they have you, very often
prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may
turn out to be fools; and I, that am sure I do not have you, may
pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?
pass for a wise man; for what does Quinapalus say?
'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.'
Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO
God bless thee, lady!
God bless you, lady!
OLIVIA
Take the fool away.
Take the fool away.
Clown
Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
Don't you hear, gentlemen? Take away the lady.
OLIVIA
Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:
Enough, you're an unfunny fool; I don't want any more of you:
besides, you grow dishonest.
besides, you become dishonest.
Clown
Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel
Two faults, lady, that drink and good advice
will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is
will fix: for give the dry fool drink, then the fool
the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend
is not dry: tell the dishonest man to mend
himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if
himself; if he mends, he is no longer dishonest; if
he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing
he cannot, let the butcher mend him. Anything
that's mended is but patched: virtue that
that's mended is simply patched: virtue that
transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that
does wrong is simply patched with sin; and sin that
amends is but patched with virtue. If that this
fixes itself is simply patched with virtue. If that
simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,
simple logical argument will serve, so; if it will not,
what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but
what solution is there? As there is no true betrayal
calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take
but catastrophe, so beauty's a flower. The lady said to take
away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
OLIVIA
Sir, I bade them take away you.
Sir, I told them to take away you.
Clown
Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non
Inaccuracy in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non
facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not
facit monachum; that's as much to say as I am
motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to
no idiot. Good lady, give me permission to
prove you a fool.
prove you are a fool.
OLIVIA
Can you do it?
Can you do it?
Clown
Dexterously, good madonna.
Skillfully, good lady.
OLIVIA
Make your proof.
Prove it then.
Clown
I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse
I must do so by question and answer, my lady: my good mouse
of virtue, answer me.
of good qualities, answer me.
OLIVIA
Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.
Well, sir, since I have nothing else to do, I'll go along with it.
Clown
Good madonna, why mournest thou?
Good lady, why are you mourning?
OLIVIA
Good fool, for my brother's death.
Good fool, I mourn my brother's death.
Clown
I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
I think his soul is in Hell, my lady.
OLIVIA
I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
I know his soul has g
one to heaven, fool.
Clown
The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's
Then you are a fool, lady, to mourn for your brother's
soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
soul having gone to heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
OLIVIA
What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
What do you think of this fool, Malvolio? Does he improve?
MALVOLIO
Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him:
Yes, and shall do until death comes to him:
infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the
infirmity, that ruins the wise, always makes the
better fool.
better clown.
Clown
God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the
better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be
sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his
word for two pence that you are no fool.
May God make you old then, and quickly, so that
you will become a fool more quickly too! Sir Toby
will swear that I am no fox; but he will not claim
that you are no fool.
OLIVIA
How say you to that, Malvolio?
What do you say to that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a
I am amazed that your ladyship is delighted by such a
barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day
unfunny rascal: I saw him put down the other day
with an ordinary fool that has no more brain
by an ordinary fool that had no more brain
than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard
than a stone. Look now, he's out of his element
already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to
already; unless you laugh and give him purpose,
him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men,
he is gagged. I protest, I consider these wise men,
that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better
that laugh like this and these kinds of fools, no better
than the fools' zanies.
than the fools' antics.
OLIVIA
Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste
Oh, you are sick with self-love, Malvolio, and taste
with a distempered appetite. To be generous,
with a sick person's appetite. To be gnerous,
guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those
guiltless, and free-spirited, is like taking those
things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets:
things as little pellet strikes that you consider cannon bullets:
there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do
there is no false insult in an allowed fool, though he does
nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet
nothing but rant; nor no ranting in a known discreet
man, though he do nothing but reprove.
man, though he does nothing but criticize.
Clown
Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou
Now Mercury grant you blessings, for you
speakest well of fools!
speak well of fools!
Re-enter MARIA
MARIA
Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much
Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman who very much
desires to speak with you.
wants to speak with you.
OLIVIA
From the Count Orsino, is it?
Did Count Orsino send him?
MARIA
I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.
I do not know, madam: it is a handsome young man, with several servants.
OLIVIA
Who of my people hold him in delay?
Which of my people are delaying him?
MARIA
Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
Sir Toby, madam, your relative.
OLIVIA
Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but
Get rid of him, please; he says nothing but
madman: fie on him!
nonsense: enough with him!
Exit MARIA
Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I
Go on, Malvolio: if it is a proposal from the count, I
am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.
am sick, or not at home; say whatever you want to get rid of it.
Exit MALVOLIO
Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and
Now you see, sir, how your joking gets old, and
people dislike it.
people don’t like it.
Clown
Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest
You have spoken for us, madam, as if your oldest
son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with
son will turn out to be a bool; whose son Jove crams with
brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a
brains! For - here he comes - one of your family has a
most weak pia mater.
very weak head.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH
OLIVIA
By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?
By my honor, half drunk. What is he who is at the gate, relative?
SIR TOBY BELCH
A gentleman.
OLIVIA
A gentleman! what gentleman?
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these
It is a gentle man here - I'm sick of these
pickle-herring! How now, sot!
[insult]! And what's going on with you, idiot?
Clown
Good Sir Toby!
OLIVIA
Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?
Relative, relative, how are you so drunk this early in the day?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.
[Mishearing] Lechery! I am no lech. There's someone at the gate.
OLIVIA
Ay, marry, what is he?
Yes, by Mary, what is he?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give
Let him be the devil, even if he is, I don't care: give
me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.
me faith, I say. Well, it's all the same to me.
Exit
OLIVIA
What's a drunken man like, fool?
What is a drunken man like, clown?
Clown
Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads
one drink more than he needs makes him a fool; the second maddens
him; and a third drowns him.
OLIVIA
Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my
Go and get the doctor, and let him sit with my
coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's
relative; for he's in the third level of drunkenness, he's
drowned: go, look after him.
drowned: go, take care of him.
Clown
He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look
He is still only a madman, my lady; and the fool shall look
to the madman.
after the madman.
Exit
Re-enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with
Madam, the young man over there swears he will speak with
you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to
you. I told him you were sick; he said he
understand so much, and therefore comes to speak
knew that, and therefore comes to speak
with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to
with you. I told him you were sleeping; he seems to
have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore
have also known that beforehand too, and therefore
comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,
comes to speak with you. What should I say to him,
lady? he's fortified against any denial.
lady? He has protected himself against any denial.
OLIVIA
Tell him he shall not speak with me.
Tell him he shall not speak with me.
MALVOLIO
Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your
He has been told so; and he says he'll stand at your
door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to
door like a guarding policeman, or a piece of
a bench, but he'll speak with you.
architecture, but he'll speak with you.
OLIVIA
What kind o' man is he?
What kind of man is he?
MALVOLIO
Why, of mankind.
Why, of humanity.
OLIVIA
What manner of man?
What sort of man?
MALVOLIO
Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.
One with very bad manners; he'll speak with you, whether you like it or not.
OLIVIA
Of what personage and years is he?
How old is he and what is he like?
MALVOLIO
Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for