The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  prank. Come soon to my room.

  Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

  Clown

  [Singing] 'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,

  'Hey Robin, jolly Robin,

  Tell me how thy lady does.'

  Tell me how your lady is.'

  MALVOLIO

  Fool!

  Clown!

  Clown

  'My lady is unkind, perdy.'

  'My lady is unkind, birdie.'

  MALVOLIO

  Fool!

  Clown!

  Clown

  'Alas, why is she so?'

  'Oh dear, why is she that way?'

  MALVOLIO

  Fool, I say!

  Hey, Clown!

  Clown

  'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?

  'She loves someone else' - Who's calling me?

  MALVOLIO

  Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my

  Good fool, as ever you will deserve good things from me,

  hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:

  help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper,

  as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to

  as I am a nobleman, I will live to be thankful to

  thee for't.

  you for it.

  Clown

  Master Malvolio?

  Mister Malvolio?

  MALVOLIO

  Ay, good fool.

  Yes, good fool.

  Clown

  Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

  Oh dear, sir, how did you lose your five senses?

  MALVOLIO

  Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I

  Fool, there was never a man so terribly treated: I

  am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

  am as well in my senses, fool, as you are.

  Clown

  But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no

  But as well? Then you must be crazy, if you are no

  better in your wits than a fool.

  better in your intelligence than a fool.

  MALVOLIO

  They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,

  They have here imprisoned me; keep me in darkness,

  send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to

  face me out of my wits.

  trick me out of my senses.

  Clown

  Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am

  Well, sir, be patient. What do you have to say? I have

  sent for speaking to you.

  been asked to speak to you.

  MALVOLIO

  Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I

  Good fool, please get me some light and some paper: I

  tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

  tell you, I am as well as any man in Illyria.

  Clown

  Well-a-day that you were, sir

  I hope you are, sir.

  MALVOLIO

  By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and

  By my hand, I am. Good fool, bring me some ink, paper, and

  light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:

  and take what I write down to my lady:

  it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing

  it shall be of more advantage to you than any other carrying

  of letter did.

  of a letter ever did.

  Clown

  I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you

  I will help you to it. But tell me truly, are you

  not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

  sane indeed? Or are you just faking?

  MALVOLIO

  Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

  Believe me, I am not; I tell you truly.

  Clown

  Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his

  No, I will never believe a madman until I see his

  brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

  brains. I will go get you a light and paper and ink.

  MALVOLIO

  Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I

  Fool, I'll repay it in the greatest amount: I

  prithee, be gone.

  beg you, go.

  Clown

  [Singing] I am gone, sir,

  I am leaving, sir

  And anon, sir,

  And soon, sir,

  I'll be with you again,

  I'll be back with you again,

  In a trice

  In a moment,

  Like to the old Vice,

  Like sin,

  Your need to sustain;

  You need to keep going,

  Who, with dagger of lath,

  Who, with a weapon

  In his rage and his wrath,

  In his anger,

  Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:

  Yells at the devil:

  Like a mad lad,

  Like a crazy man,

  Pare thy nails, dad;

  Trim your nails, man;

  Adieu, good man devil.

  Farewell, good man devil.

  Exit

  Enter SEBASTIAN

  SEBASTIAN

  This is the air; that is the glorious sun;

  This is the air; that is the beautiful sun;

  This pearl she gave me, I do feel't and see't;

  This pearl she gave me, I do feel it and see it:

  And though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus,

  And though it is amazement that wraps around me,

  Yet 'tis not madness. Where's Antonio, then?

  Yet it is not madness. Where's Antonio, then?

  I could not find him at the Elephant:

  I could not find him at the Elephant Inn:

  Yet there he was; and there I found this credit,

  Yet there he was at some point; and there I found out

  That he did range the town to seek me out.

  That he wandered all around the city to look for me.

  His counsel now might do me golden service;

  His advice might now do me some service;

  For though my soul disputes well with my sense,

  For though my soul argues with my senses,

  That this may be some error, but no madness,

  That this may be some mistake, but not insanity,

  Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune

  Yet this strange turn of fate

  So far exceed all instance, all discourse,

  Is so far beyond anything I've ever heard of

  That I am ready to distrust mine eyes

  That I am ready to distrust my own eyes

  And wrangle with my reason that persuades me

  And wrestle with my reason that persuades me

  To any other trust but that I am mad

  To any other conclusion but that I am insane

  Or else the lady's mad; yet, if 'twere so,

  Or else the lady's mad, yet if it were that way,

  She could not sway her house, command her followers,

  She could not rule her house, command her followers,

  Take and give back affairs and their dispatch

  Take and give back business and carrying things out

  With such a smooth, discreet and stable bearing

  In such a capable and noble fashion

  As I perceive she does: there's something in't

  As I see she does: there's something in it

  That is deceiveable. But here the lady comes.

  That could involve trickery. But here the lady comes.

  Enter OLIVIA and Priest

  OLIVIA

  Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,

  Do not blame me for rushing things. If you mean well,

  Now go with me and with this holy man

  Now go with me and with this priest

  Into the chantry by: there, bef
ore him,

  Into the church: there, in front of him,

  And underneath that consecrated roof,

  And underneath that roof that has been made sacred,

  Plight me the full assurance of your faith;

  That my most jealous and too doubtful soul

  May live at peace. He shall conceal it

  Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,

  What time we will our celebration keep

  According to my birth. What do you say?

  Marry me, and we will celebrate. What do you say?

  SEBASTIAN

  I'll follow this good man, and go with you;

  I'll follow this priest, and go with you;

  And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.

  And having promised to be loyal, will always be loyal.

  OLIVIA

  Then lead the way, good father; and heavens so shine,

  Then lead the way, good Father, and may the heavens so shine,

  That they may fairly note this act of mine!

  That they may beautifully observe this thing I am doing!

  Exeunt

  Enter Clown and FABIAN

  FABIAN

  Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.

  Now, as you love me, let me see his letter

  Clown

  Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

  Good Mister Fabian, do another thing for me.

  FABIAN

  Any thing.

  Anything.

  Clown

  Do not desire to see this letter.

  Do not ask to see this letter.

  FABIAN

  This is, to give a dog, and in recompense desire my

  dog again.

  This is, to give a dog, and in return ask for my dog again.

  Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and Lords

  DUKE ORSINO

  Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?

  Do you belong to the Lady Olivia, friends?

  Clown

  Ay, sir; we are some of her trappings.

  Yes, sir, we are some of her belongings.

  DUKE ORSINO

  I know thee well; how dost thou, my good fellow?

  I know you well; how are you, my good fellow?

  Clown

  Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse

  Truly, sir, improved by my enemies and worsened

  for my friends.

  by my friends.

  DUKE ORSINO

  Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.

  Oh no, it's the other way around; improved by your friends.

  Clown

  No, sir, the worse.

  No, sir, made worse.

  DUKE ORSINO

  How can that be?

  How is that possible?

  Clown

  Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me;

  By Mary, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me;

  now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by

  now my enemies tell me plainly that I am an ass; so that by

  my foes, sir I profit in the knowledge of myself,

  my enemies, sir, I gain knowledge about myself,

  and by my friends, I am abused: so that,

  and by my friends, sir, I am lied to: so that,

  conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives

  conclusions being kisses, if your four noes

  make your two affirmatives why then, the worse for

  make two yeses, why then, the worse for

  my friends and the better for my foes.

  my friends and the better for me foes.

  DUKE ORSINO

  Why, this is excellent.

  Very clever.

  Clown

  By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be

  By the truth, sir, no; though it pleases you to be

  one of my friends.

  one of my friends.

  DUKE ORSINO

  Thou shalt not be the worse for me: there's gold.

  You shall not be the worse for me: here's some money.

  Clown

  But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would

  Except for it being double-dealing, sir, i wish

  you could make it another.

  you could give me more.

  DUKE ORSINO

  O, you give me ill counsel.

  Oh, you give me bad advice.

  Clown

  Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once,

  Put your wisdom in your pocket, sir, this once,

  and let your flesh and blood obey it.

  and let your body obey it.

  DUKE ORSINO

  Well, I will be so much a sinner, to be a

  Well, I will sin this much: to be a

  double-dealer: there's another.

  double-dealer: there's another coin.

  Clown

  Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play; and the old

  One, two, three, is a good sequence; and the old

  saying is, the third pays for all: the triplex,

  saying is, the third pays for all: the triple,

  sir, is a good tripping measure; or the bells of

  sir, is a good unit; or the bells of

  Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind; one, two, three.

  Saint Bennet's cathedral, sir, will make you think; one, two, three.

  DUKE ORSINO

  You can fool no more money out of me at this throw:

  You can trick no more money out of me at this time:

  if you will let your lady know I am here to speak

  If you will let your lady know I am hear to speak

  with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake

  with her, and bring her with you, it may cause me to share

  my bounty further.

  my wealth further.

  Clown

  Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come

  By Mary, sir, may your money sleep until I come

  again. I go, sir; but I would not have you to think

  that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness:

  but, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I

  will awake it anon.

  I will awaken it shortly.

  Exit

  VIOLA

  Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.

  Here comes the man, sir, that rescued me.

  Enter ANTONIO and Officers

  DUKE ORSINO

  That face of his I do remember well;

  Yet, when I saw it last, it was besmear'd

  As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war:

  A bawbling vessel was he captain of,

  For shallow draught and bulk unprizable;

  With which such scathful grapple did he make

  With the most noble bottom of our fleet,

  That very envy and the tongue of loss

  Cried fame and honour on him. What's the matter?

  I remember his face, but much dirtier and bloodier, in wartime.

  First Officer

  Orsino, this is that Antonio

  Orsino, this is that Antonio

  That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy;

  That took the Phoenix and her freight from Candy;

  And this is he that did the Tiger board,

  And it is him that boarded the Tiger,

  When your young nephew Titus lost his leg:

  Where your young nephew Titus lost his leg:

  In private brabble did we apprehend him.

  We arrested him in a private fight.

  VIOLA

  He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side;

  He was kind to me, sir, tried to fight on my side,

  But in conclusion put strange speech upon me:

  But in concluding it said strange things to me:

  I know not what 'twas but distraction.

  That I did not un
derstand, except as a distraction.

  DUKE ORSINO

  Notable pirate! thou salt-water thief!

  What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,

  Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,

  Hast made thine enemies?

  What made you do something so risky as that?

  ANTONIO

  Orsino, noble sir,

  Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me:

  Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,

  Though I confess, on base and ground enough,

  Orsino's enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:

  That most ingrateful boy there by your side,

  From the rude sea's enraged and foamy mouth

  Did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was:

  His life I gave him and did thereto add

  My love, without retention or restraint,

  All his in dedication; for his sake

  Did I expose myself, pure for his love,

  Into the danger of this adverse town;

  Drew to defend him when he was beset:

  Where being apprehended, his false cunning,

  Not meaning to partake with me in danger,

  Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,

  And grew a twenty years removed thing

  While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,

  Which I had recommended to his use

  Not half an hour before.

  I saved his life, and then he repaid my by denying me, and

  not giving back the money I had given him less than half an hour before.

  VIOLA

  How can this be?

  How can this be possible?

  DUKE ORSINO

  When came he to this town?