The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  when young men went hunting, and there was a wood,

  and a broad beech tree; and there's a story attached to that.

  Hey Ho!

  PALAMON

  For Emily, upon my life! Fool,

  Away with this strain’d mirth! I say again,

  That sigh was breath’d for Emily. Base cousin,

  Dar’st thou break first?

  For Emilia, by my life! Fool,

  enough of this false jollity! I tell you again,

  I am sighing for Emilia. Low cousin,

  are you going to be the first one to break your promise?

  ARCITE

  You are wide.

  You're wide of the mark.

  PALAMON

  By heaven and earth,

  There’s nothing in thee honest.

  By heaven and earth,

  there's nothing honest about you.

  ARCITE

  Then I’ll leave you;

  You are a beast now.

  Then I'll leave you;

  you are an animal to me.

  PALAMON

  As thou mak’st me, traitor!

  That's what you've made me, traitor!

  ARCITE

  There’s all things needful, files and shirts and perfumes.

  I’ll come again some two hours hence and bring

  That that shall quiet all.

  There are all things you need, files and shirts and perfumes.

  I'll come again two hours from now and bring

  something that will end everything.

  PALAMON

  A sword and armor.

  A sword and armour.

  ARCITE

  Fear me not. You are now too foul; farewell.

  Get off your trinkets, you shall want nought.

  Trust me. You are too foul now; farewell.

  Take off your chains, you will lack nothing.

  PALAMON

  Sirrah—

  Sir–

  ARCITE

  I’ll hear no more.

  I'll listen to no more.

  Exit.

  PALAMON

  If he keep touch, he dies for’t.

  If he comes back, he'll die for it.

  Exit.

  Another part of the forest near Athens.

  (Jailer’s Daughter)

  Enter Jailer’s Daughter.

  JAILER’S DAUGHTER

  I am very cold, and all the stars are out too,

  The little stars and all, that look like aglets.

  The sun has seen my folly. Palamon!

  Alas, no; he’s in heaven. Where am I now?

  Yonder’s the sea, and there’s a ship. How’t tumbles!

  And there’s a rock lies watching under water;

  Now, now, it beats upon it—now, now, now!

  There’s a leak sprung, a sound one. How they cry!

  Open her before the wind! You’ll lose all else.

  Up with a course or two, and tack about, boys!

  Good night, good night, y’ are gone. I am very hungry:

  Would I could find a fine frog! He would tell me

  News from all parts o’ th’ world. Then would I make

  A carreck of a cockleshell, and sail

  By east and north-east to the King of Pigmies,

  For he tells fortunes rarely. Now my father,

  Twenty to one, is truss’d up in a trice

  Tomorrow morning; I’ll say never a word.

  Sing.

  “For I’ll cut my green coat a foot above my knee,

  And I’ll clip my yellow locks an inch below mine e’e.

  Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny.

  He s’ buy me a white cut, forth for to ride,

  And I’ll go seek him through the world that is so wide.

  Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny.”

  O for a prick now, like a nightingale,

  To put my breast against! I shall sleep like a top else.

  Exit.

  I am very cold, and all the stars are out too,

  the little stars as well, but look like spangles.

  The sun has set on my stupidity. Palamon!

  Alas, no; he's in heaven. Where am I now?

  There's the sea, and there's a ship. How it's rocking!

  And there's a rock lying in wait under the water;

  now, now, it's crashed against it–now, now, now!

  It's sprung a leak, a big one. How they cry!

  Let her run with the wind! You'll lose everything otherwise.

  Put a sail or two up, and turn with the wind, boys!

  Good night, good night, you are lost. I am very hungry:

  I wish I could find a good frog! He would tell me

  news from all over the world. Then I would make

  a boat out of a cockleshell, and sail

  East North East to the king of pygmies,

  for he is a fine fortune teller. Now my father,

  almost certainly, will be hung

  tomorrow morning; I'll never say a word.

  [Sings]

  " For I'll cut my green coat a foot above my knees,

  and I'll cut my yellow hair an inch below my eyes.

  Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny.

  He's bought me a white horse, to ride out on,

  and I'll go and seek him through the whole wide world.

  Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny."

  I wish I could drive a thorn through my chest,

  like a nightingale! That way I would sleep like a top.

  Another part of the forest near Athens.

  (Schoolmaster Gerrold, Four Countrymen, Bavian, Five Wenches, Taborer, Jailer’s Daughter, Theseus, Pirithous, Hippolyta, Emilia, Arcite, Dancers, Friz, Maudline, Luce, Barbary)

  Enter a Schoolmaster Gerrold, four Countrymen as morris-dancers and another as the Bavian, five Wenches, with a Taborer.

  GERROLD

  Fie, fie,

  What tediosity and disensanity

  Is here among ye! Have my rudiments

  Been labor’d so long with ye, milk’d unto ye,

  And by a figure, even the very plum-broth

  And marrow of my understanding laid upon ye,

  And do you still cry, “Where?” and “How?” and “Wherefore?”

  You most coarse frieze capacities, ye jane judgments,

  Have I said, “Thus let be,” and “There let be,”

  And “Then let be,” and no man understand me?

  Pro Deum, medius fidius, ye are all dunces!

  For why, here stand I; here the Duke comes; there are you,

  Close in the thicket. The Duke appears, I meet him

  And unto him I utter learned things,

  And many figures; he hears, and nods, and hums,

  And then cries, “Rare!” and I go forward. At length

  I fling my cap up; mark there! Then do you,

  As once did Meleager and the boar,

  Break comely out before him; like true lovers,

  Cast yourselves in a body decently,

  And sweetly, by a figure, trace and turn, boys.

  Dammit all,

  what trouble and foolishness

  there is amongst you! I have

  spent so long teaching you my principles,

  feeding them to you, giving you

  the essentials of my understanding, and you

  still cry, “where?" And “how?" And “why?"

  You woolly brained idiots, you coarse dullards,

  have I said, “and so this is," and “there it is,"

  and “and so we see," and nobody has understood me?

  Oh God, heaven help me, you are all idiots!

  Look, here I am; here comes the Duke; there you are,

  hiding in the thicket. The Duke appears, I meet him

  and speak to him of intellectual matters

  in many ways; he will hear me, and nod, and hum,

  and then cry, “Good!" and I will walk on.

  After a while I will throw my hat up; watch out for
it!

  And then you, like Meleager and the boar,

  will jump out in front of him; like true lovers

  you will merge your bodies together,

  and dance sweetly in front of him, my boys.

  FIRST COUNTRY FOLK

  And sweetly we will do it, Master Gerrold.

  And we will do it sweetly, Master Gerrold.

  SECOND COUNTRY FOLK

  Draw up the company. Where’s the taborer?

  Gather everyone together. Where's the drummer?

  THIRD COUNTRY FOLK

  Why, Timothy!

  Hello, Timothy!

  TABORER

  Here, my mad boys, have at ye!

  Here, my merry boys, let's go!

  GERROLD

  But I say, where’s their women?

  Hang on, where are the women?

  FOURTH COUNTRY FOLK

  Here’s Friz and Maudline.

  Here are Friz and Maudline.

  SECOND COUNTRY FOLK

  And little Luce with the white legs, and bouncing Barbary.

  And little Lucy with her white legs, and strapping Barbara.

  FIRST COUNTRY FOLK

  And freckled Nell—that never fail’d her master.

  And freckled Nell, who never let her master down.

  GERROLD

  Where be your ribands, maids? Swim with your bodies,

  And carry it sweetly and deliverly,

  And now and then a favor and a frisk.

  Where are your ribbons, girls? Glide around,

  do it charmingly and lightly,

  and now and then give a curtsy and a jig.

  NELL

  Let us alone, sir.

  You can leave it to us, sir.

  GERROLD

  Where’s the rest o’ th’ music?

  Where are the rest of the musicians?

  THIRD COUNTRY FOLK

  Dispers’d as you commanded.

  They've been placed as you ordered.

  GERROLD

  Couple then,

  And see what’s wanting. Where’s the Bavian?

  My friend, carry your tail without offense

  Or scandal to the ladies; and be sure

  You tumble with audacity and manhood,

  And when you bark, do it with judgment.

  Pair up then,

  and will see what's missing. Where is the ape?

  My friend, give us a performance that doesn't offend

  or disgust the ladies; make sure

  you tumble daringly and manfully,

  and when you bark, do it tactfully.

  BAVIAN

  Yes, sir.

  Yes, sir.

  GERROLD

  Quo usque tandem?

  Here is a woman wanting.

  How much longer? There's a woman missing here.

  FOURTH COUNTRY FOLK

  We may go whistle; all the fat’s i’ th’ fire.

  It would be a waste of time to carry on; we've blown it.

  GERROLD

  We have, as learned authors utter, wash’d a tile,

  We have been fatuus, and labored vainly.

  As the learned authors put it, we have laboured in vain,

  we have been stupid, all our work is for nothing.

  SECOND COUNTRY FOLK

  This is that scornful piece, that scurvy hilding,

  That gave her promise faithfully she would

  Be here, Cicely the sempster’s daughter.

  The next gloves that I give her shall be dogskin;

  Nay, and she fail me once—You can tell, Arcas,

  She swore by wine and bread she would not break.

  It's that scornful piece, that good for nothing wretch,

  who faithfully promised that she would

  be here, Cicely the daughter of the seamstress.

  The next gloves I give her will be made of dog skin;

  no, she's let me down once–you can witness, Arcas,

  she swore by wine and bread that she would not let me down.

  GERROLD

  An eel and woman,

  A learned poet says, unless by th’ tail

  And with thy teeth thou hold, will either fail.

  In manners this was false position.

  A learned poet has said

  that with eels and women, unless

  you have them by the tail with your teeth,

  they will both let you down.

  This is not a good way to behave.

  FIRST COUNTRY FOLK

  A fire ill take her! Does she flinch now?

  May she catch a fever! Is she letting us down now?

  THIRD COUNTRY FOLK

  What

  Shall we determine, sir?

  What shall we do, sir?

  GERROLD

  Nothing,

  Our business is become a nullity,

  Yea, and a woeful and a piteous nullity.

  Nothing,

  the whole thing has come to nothing,

  yes, a sad and useless nothing.

  FOURTH COUNTRY FOLK

  Now when the credit of our town lay on it,

  Now to be frampal, now to piss o’ th’ nettle!

  Go thy ways, I’ll remember thee, I’ll fit thee!

  Now, when our town's reputation depended on it,

  now to be moody, to be in a bad temper!

  Do what you want, I'll remember this, I'll give you what you deserve!

  Enter Jailer’s Daughter.

  JAILER’S DAUGHTER

  Sings.

  “The George Alow came from the south,

  From the coast of Barbary-a;

  And there he met with brave gallants of war,

  By one, by two, by three-a.

  Well hail’d, well hail’d, you jolly gallants!

  And whither now are you bound-a?

  O, let me have your company

  Till I come to the sound-a.

  “There was three fools fell out about an howlet:

  The one said it was an owl,

  The other he said nay,

  The third he said it was a hawk,

  And her bells were cut away.”

  “The George Alow came from the South,

  from the coast of Africa;

  and there he met with strong warships,

  one, two and three.

  Hello, hello, you fine ships!

  And where are you going?

  Let me sail along with you

  until I reach the harbour.

  There were three fools who argued about a young owl:

  one said it was now,

  the other said it wasn't,

  the third said it was a hawk,

  and they cut away her bells."

  THIRD COUNTRY FOLK

  There’s a dainty mad woman, master,

  Comes i’ th’ nick, as mad as a March hare.

  If we can get her dance, we are made again.

  I warrant her, she’ll do the rarest gambols.

  Here's a splendid madwoman, master,

  come just in the nick of time, as mad as a March hare.

  If we can get her to dance, we are saved.

  I'll bet she can dance a fine jig.

  FIRST COUNTRY FOLK

  A mad woman? We are made, boys!

  A madwoman? We're saved, boys!

  GERROLD

  And are you mad, good woman?

  And are you mad, good woman?

  JAILER’S DAUGHTER

  I would be sorry else.

  Give me your hand.

  It would be a shame otherwise.

  Give me your hand.

  GERROLD

  Why?

  Why?

  JAILER’S DAUGHTER

  I can tell your fortune.

  You are a fool. Tell ten—I have pos’d him. Buzz!

  Friend, you must eat no white bread; if you do,

  Your teeth will bleed extremely. Shall we dance ho?

  I know you, y’ are a tinker. Sirrah tinker,

>   Stop no more holes but what you should.

  I can tell your fortune.

  You are a fool. Count to ten–that's stumped him. Buzz!

  Friend, you must not eat white bread; if you do,

  your teeth will bleed terribly. Shall we dance?

  I know you, you're a mender. Sir mender,

  don't fill up more holes than you ought to.

  GERROLD

  Dii boni!

  A tinker, damsel?

  Good God!

  A mender, girl?

  JAILER’S DAUGHTER

  Or a conjurer.

  Raise me a devil now, and let him play

  Qui passa o’ th’ bells and bones.

  Or magician.

  Summon me a devil now, and let him play

  a tune on the bells and bones.

  GERROLD

  Go take her,

  And fluently persuade her to a peace.

  “Et opus exegi, quod nec Jovis ira, nec ignis”—

  Strike up, and lead her in.

  Take her away,

  and do your best to calm her down.

  "I have completed a work that neither the anger of Jove, nor fire"–

  start the music, and bring her into the dance.

  SECOND COUNTRY FOLK

  Come, lass, let’s trip it.

  Come on lass, let's dance.

  JAILER’S DAUGHTER

  I’ll lead.

  I'll lead.

  THIRD COUNTRY FOLK

  Do, do.