The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 449
Clown
She being none of your flesh and blood, your flesh
and blood has not offended the king; and so your
flesh and blood is not to be punished by him. Show
those things you found about her, those secret
things, all but what she has with her: this being
done, let the law go whistle: I warrant you.
If she is not your flesh and blood, your flesh
and blood has not offended the King; and so your
flesh and blood will not be punished by him. Show him
those things you found with her, those secret
things, all except what she's taken with her: when you've
done this, the law can't touch you: I promise you.
Shepherd
I will tell the king all, every word, yea, and his
son's pranks too; who, I may say, is no honest man,
neither to his father nor to me, to go about to make
me the king's brother-in-law.
I'll tell the king everything, every word, yes, and
what his son's been up to as well; who, I might add, is not a good man,
either to his father or to me, going around trying to make
me the king's brother-in-law.
Clown
Indeed, brother-in-law was the farthest off you
could have been to him and then your blood had been
the dearer by I know how much an ounce.
Indeed, you would have been at least his brother-in-law,
and then your blood would have been worth more,
I can tell you the price per ounce.
AUTOLYCUS
[Aside] Very wisely, puppies!
Very clever, puppies!
Shepherd
Well, let us to the king: there is that in this
fardel will make him scratch his beard.
Well, let's go to the king: we've got some
things in this bundle that will make him think.
AUTOLYCUS
[Aside] I know not what impediment this complaint
may be to the flight of my master.
I don't know how what they're doing will block
my master's flight.
Clown
Pray heartily he be at palace.
We must hope he'll be at the palace.
AUTOLYCUS
[Aside] Though I am not naturally honest, I am so
sometimes by chance: let me pocket up my pedlar's excrement.
Takes off his false beard
How now, rustics! whither are you bound?
Although I am not naturally honest, I am occasionally
by accident: let me take off my pedlar's disguise.
Hello there, peasants! Where are you off to?
Shepherd
To the palace, an it like your worship.
To the palace, if your worship pleases.
AUTOLYCUS
Your affairs there, what, with whom, the condition
of that fardel, the place of your dwelling, your
names, your ages, of what having, breeding, and any
thing that is fitting to be known, discover.
Tell me what your business is there, with whom,
what's in that bundle, where you live, your
names, your ages, your parentage, your ancestry, and any
other thing that can be decently told.
Clown
We are but plain fellows, sir.
We are just plain folk, sir.
AUTOLYCUS
A lie; you are rough and hairy. Let me have no
lying: it becomes none but tradesmen, and they
often give us soldiers the lie: but we pay them for
it with stamped coin, not stabbing steel; therefore
they do not give us the lie.
That's a lie; you are rough and hairy. Don't give me
any lies: that's only for tradesmen, and they
often give we soldiers the lie: but we pay them
for it with minted coins, not stabbing swords; and so
they do not ‘give’ us the lie.
Clown
Your worship had like to have given us one, if you
had not taken yourself with the manner.
Your worship would have given us a lie, if you hadn't
just corrected yourself.
Shepherd
Are you a courtier, an't like you, sir?
Please, sir, are you a courtier?
AUTOLYCUS
Whether it like me or no, I am a courtier. Seest
thou not the air of the court in these enfoldings?
hath not my gait in it the measure of the court?
receives not thy nose court-odor from me? reflect I
not on thy baseness court-contempt? Thinkest thou,
for that I insinuate, or toaze from thee thy
business, I am therefore no courtier? I am courtier
cap-a-pe; and one that will either push on or pluck
back thy business there: whereupon I command thee to
open thy affair.
Whether it pleases me or not, I am a courtier. Can't you see
the courtly cut of my clothes?
Don't I walk like a courtier?
Don't I smell like a courtier? Don't I
look on your vulgarity with the contempt of court? Do you think
that just because I'm asking you about your
business that makes me no courtier? I am a courtier head to foot;
and I will either help or hinder your business at court:
so I'm telling you to tell me what it is.
Shepherd
My business, sir, is to the king.
My business, sir, is with the king.
AUTOLYCUS
What advocate hast thou to him?
Who do you have to speak for you?
Shepherd
I know not, an't like you.
I don't know, if you please.
Clown
Advocate's the court-word for a pheasant: say you
have none.
Advocate is the court word for a pheasant: say you
haven't any.
Shepherd
None, sir; I have no pheasant, cock nor hen.
None, sir; I have no pheasant, neither cock nor hen.
AUTOLYCUS
How blessed are we that are not simple men!
Yet nature might have made me as these are,
Therefore I will not disdain.
How blessed we are who are not simple!
But nature could have made me like these,
so I won't look down on them.
Clown
This cannot be but a great courtier.
This can only be a great courtier.
Shepherd
His garments are rich, but he wears
them not handsomely.
He has expensive clothes, but he wears
them badly.
Clown
He seems to be the more noble in being fantastical:
a great man, I'll warrant; I know by the picking
on's teeth.
He seems to be more noble in his peculiarities:
I'll bet he's a great man; I can tell by the way
he picks his teeth.
AUTOLYCUS
The fardel there? what's i' the fardel?
Wherefore that box?
The bundle there? What's in the bundle?
Why'd you have that box?
Shepherd
Sir, there lies such secrets in this fardel and box,
which none must know but the king; and which he
shall know within this hour, if I may come to the
speech of him.
Sir, there are such secrets in this bundle and box,
that only the king can know; and which he
shall know of within the hour, if I can get within
speaking distance of him.
AUTOLYCUS
Age, thou hast lost thy labour.
Old man, you've missed your chance.
Shepherd
Why, sir?
Why, sir?
AUTOLYCUS
The king is not at the palace; he is gone aboard a
new ship to purge melancholy and air himself: for,
if thou beest capable of things serious, thou must
know the king is full of grief.
The king is not at the palace; he has gone on board
a new ship to shake off depression and get some air: for,
if you pay attention to important matters, you must
know the king is full of sadness.
Shepard
So 'tis said, sir; about his son, that should have
married a shepherd's daughter.
That's what I've heard, sir; I've heard about his son,
who was going to marry a shepherd's daughter.
AUTOLYCUS
If that shepherd be not in hand-fast, let him fly:
the curses he shall have, the tortures he shall
feel, will break the back of man, the heart of monster.
If that shepherd isn't under arrest yet, he should run:
the curses he will get, the tortures he will
feel, will break the back of a man, the heart of a monster.
Clown
Think you so, sir?
Do you think so, sir?
AUTOLYCUS
Not he alone shall suffer what wit can make heavy
and vengeance bitter; but those that are germane to
him, though removed fifty times, shall all come
under the hangman: which though it be great pity,
yet it is necessary. An old sheep-whistling rogue, a
ram-tender, to offer to have his daughter come into
grace! Some say he shall be stoned; but that death
is too soft for him, say I; draw our throne into a
sheep-cote! all deaths are too few, the sharpest too easy.
Not only he will suffer whatever punishment they
can come up with; those who are close to him,
even if hardly related, will all be given
to the hangman: it will be a great shame,
but it has to be done. An old sheep keeping scoundrel, a
ram tender, offering to make his daughter a royal!
Some say he will be stoned; but that death
is too soft for him I say; dragging our throne into a
sheep pen! There is not enough death or pain to punish him.
Clown
Has the old man e'er a son, sir, do you hear. an't
like you, sir?
Has the old man got a son, sir, have you heard,
if it pleases you, sir?
AUTOLYCUS
He has a son, who shall be flayed alive; then
'nointed over with honey, set on the head of a
wasp's nest; then stand till he be three quarters
and a dram dead; then recovered again with
aqua-vitae or some other hot infusion; then, raw as
he is, and in the hottest day prognostication
proclaims, shall be be set against a brick-wall, the
sun looking with a southward eye upon him, where he
is to behold him with flies blown to death. But what
talk we of these traitorly rascals, whose miseries
are to be smiled at, their offences being so
capital? Tell me, for you seem to be honest plain
men, what you have to the king: being something
gently considered, I'll bring you where he is
aboard, tender your persons to his presence,
whisper him in your behalfs; and if it be in man
besides the king to effect your suits, here is man
shall do it.
He has a son, who will be skinned alive; then
spread all over with honey and put on top of a
wasps' nest; they'll leave him there until he's three quarters
and a bit dead; then they'll revive him with
whiskey or some other hot drink; then, skinned as
he is, and on the hottest day the forecast
predicts, he shall be put up against a brick wall,
south facing with the sun beating down on him,
and there he will be eaten to death by maggots.
But why are we talking about these traitorous rascals,
whose miseries should be smiled at,
as they have committed such terrible offences? Tell me (for you
seem to be honest simple men) what's your business
with the king: if it seems reasonable, I'll bring
you on board his ship, hand you over to him,
speak to him on your behalf; and if it's possible
for any man, apart from the king,
to get you what you want, I am the man to do it.
Clown
He seems to be of great authority: close with him,
give him gold; and though authority be a stubborn
bear, yet he is oft led by the nose with gold: show
the inside of your purse to the outside of his hand,
and no more ado. Remember 'stoned,' and 'flayed alive.'
He seems to be very powerful: make a deal with him,
give him gold; although power can be a stubborn
beast, it can often be tamed with gold: put
what's inside your purse on the outside of his hand,
and do it quickly. Remember ‘stoned,’ and ‘skinned alive.’
Shepherd
An't please you, sir, to undertake the business for
us, here is that gold I have: I'll make it as much
more and leave this young man in pawn till I bring it you.
If you'd be kind enough, sir, to undertake this business for
us, here's the gold I have: I'll give you the same again
and leave you this young man as a pledge until I bring it for you.
AUTOLYCUS
After I have done what I promised?
After I have done what I promise?
Shepherd
Ay, sir.
Yes, sir.
AUTOLYCUS
Well, give me the moiety. Are you a party in this business?
Well, give me my down payment. Are you involved in this business?
Clown
In some sort, sir: but though my case be a pitiful
one, I hope I shall not be flayed out of it.
In a way, sir: but although my skin may be
worthless, I hope it won't be stripped off me.
AUTOLYCUS
O, that's the case of the shepherd's son: hang him,
he'll be made an example.
Oh, that's what's going to happen with the shepherd's son: hang him,
they'll make an example of him.
Clown
Comfort, good comfort! We must to the king and show
our strange sights: he must know 'tis none of your
daughter nor my sister; we are gone else. Sir, I
will give you as much as this old man does when the
business is performed, and remain, as he says, your
pawn till it be brought you.
God help us! We must go to the king and show
him these strange things: he must know that she is not your
daughter nor my sister; otherwise we're done for. So, I'll
give you the same as this old man has when the
business has been done, and I'll stay, as he says, as
his pledge until it's brought to you.
AUTOLYCUS
I will trust you. Walk before toward the sea-side;
go on the right hand: I will but look upon the
hedge and follow you.
I will trust you. Walk ahead down to the seashore;
go on the right-hand side: I'll just pop behind this hedge
for a moment then I'll
follow you.
Clown
We are blest in this man, as I may say, even blest.
We are lucky to have this man, I'm telling you, very lucky.
Shepherd
Let's before as he bids us: he was provided to do us good.
Exeunt Shepherd and Clown
Let's go ahead as he has told us: he was sent to help us.
AUTOLYCUS
If I had a mind to be honest, I see Fortune would
not suffer me: she drops booties in my mouth. I am
courted now with a double occasion, gold and a means
to do the prince my master good; which who knows how
that may turn back to my advancement? I will bring
these two moles, these blind ones, aboard him: if he
think it fit to shore them again and that the
complaint they have to the king concerns him
nothing, let him call me rogue for being so far
officious; for I am proof against that title and
what shame else belongs to't. To him will I present
them: there may be matter in it.
Exit
If I actually felt like being honest, I see fate
wouldn't let me: she drops loot straight into my lap. I am
now given two opportunities, gold and a way
to do the prince my master good; who knows how
I can turn this round to my advantage? I will bring
these two moles, these blind ones, to him on board: if he
thinks the thing to do is to put them back on shore and that the