The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Well, you may not think so, but it is definitely a prison to me.

  Why, then, 'tis none to you; for there is nothingeither good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to meit is a prison.

  ROSENCRANTZ

  That is because you are so ambitious. You are too big for such a small country.

  Why then, your ambition makes it one; 'tis toonarrow for your mind.

  HAMLET

  Oh, God, I could live in a nut shell and feel like a king, but I have bad dreams.

  O God, I could be bounded in a nut shell and countmyself a king of infinite space, were it not that Ihave bad dreams.

  GUILDENSTERN

  Dreams and ambition are one in the same; ambition is the shadow of a dream.

  Which dreams indeed are ambition, for the verysubstance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream.

  HAMLET

  A dream is just a shadow.

  A dream itself is but a shadow.

  ROSENCRANTZ

  That is true that I think a dream is just a shadow of a shadow.

  Truly, and I hold ambition of so airy and light aquality that it is but a shadow's shadow.

  HAMLET

  In that case, beggars are real and kings or heroes are the shadows of beggars. Let’s go inside. I can’t think anymore.

  Then are our beggars bodies, and our monarchs andoutstretched heroes the beggars' shadows. Shall weto the court? for, by my fay, I cannot reason.

  ROSENCRANTZ GUILDENSTERN

  We’re waiting on you.

  We'll wait upon you.

  HAMLET

  No way. I will not put you with the rest of my servants, because they are dreadful. But, tell me friends, why are you in Elsinore?

  No such matter: I will not sort you with the restof my servants, for, to speak to you like an honestman, I am most dreadfully attended. But, in thebeaten way of friendship, what make you at Elsinore?

  ROSENCRANTZ

  Just to visit you, my lord; no other reason.

  To visit you, my lord; no other occasion.

  HAMLET

  I am a beggar now and am poor in thanks, but, I thank you. My thanks are not even worth very much. Weren’t you sent for? Or was it your own decision? Is this visitation without some purpose? Just tell me, straight.

  Beggar that I am, I am even poor in thanks; but Ithank you: and sure, dear friends, my thanks aretoo dear a halfpenny. Were you not sent for? Is ityour own inclining? Is it a free visitation? Come,deal justly with me: come, come; nay, speak.

  GUILDENSTERN

  What do you want us to say, my lord?

  What should we say, my lord?

  HAMLET

  Tell me whatever you wish, but answer my question. You were sent for. I can tell by the look on your face. You are not good at lying. I know the good king and queen sent for you.

  Why, any thing, but to the purpose. You were sentfor; and there is a kind of confession in your lookswhich your modesties have not craft enough to colour:I know the good king and queen have sent for you.

  ROSENCRANTZ

  Why would they do that, my lord?

  To what end, my lord?

  HAMLET

  You tell me. But let me remind you of our friendship, starting in our youth, and our love for one another. Tell me directly, if you were sent for.

  That you must teach me. But let me conjure you, bythe rights of our fellowship, by the consonancy ofour youth, by the obligation of our ever-preservedlove, and by what more dear a better proposer couldcharge you withal, be even and direct with me,whether you were sent for, or no?

  ROSENCRANTZ

  [Aside to GUILDENSTERN]

  What should we say?

  What say you?

  HAMLET

  [Aside]

  I am watching you.—If you love me, don’t lie.

  Nay, then, I have an eye of you.--If youlove me, hold not off.

  GUILDENSTERN

  My lord, we were sent for.

  My lord, we were sent for.

  HAMLET

  Well, I will tell you why you were asked to come. Then, your allegiance to the king and queen will not be broken. Lately, I have been depressed. You know, lost my zeal for life. I did not want to exercise or have any fun. The world is just a foul place. And, man! What a joke! I have no interest in men or manly things, or women, for that matter. I guess you still do, by the smile on your face.

  I will tell you why; so shall my anticipationprevent your discovery, and your secrecy to the kingand queen moult no feather. I have of late--butwherefore I know not--lost all my mirth, forgone allcustom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavilywith my disposition that this goodly frame, theearth, seems to me a sterile promontory, this mostexcellent canopy, the air, look you, this braveo'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof frettedwith golden fire, why, it appears no other thing tome than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason!how infinite in faculty! in form and moving howexpress and admirable! in action how like an angel!in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of theworld! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me,what is this quintessence of dust? man delights notme: no, nor woman neither, though by your smilingyou seem to say so.

  ROSENCRANTZ

  I wasn’t thinking anything like that.

  My lord, there was no such stuff in my thoughts.

  HAMLET

  Why did you laugh then, when I said “I do not have any in interest in things of men?”

  Why did you laugh then, when I said 'man delights not me'?

  ROSENCRANTZ

  I was just thinking, if you don’t like the things that make men happy, you’re going to be pretty bored by the actors we passed on the way here. They are coming to entertain you.

  To think, my lord, if you delight not in man, whatlenten entertainment the players shall receive fromyou: we coted them on the way; and hither are theycoming, to offer you service.

  HAMLET

  I’ll welcome the actor who plays the king and watch the knight as he waves around his weapons. I will show the lover gratitude and laugh at the clown, and I’ll listen to the lady character babble on. Which actors are coming?

  He that plays the king shall be welcome; his majestyshall have tribute of me; the adventurous knightshall use his foil and target; the lover shall notsigh gratis; the humourous man shall end his partin peace; the clown shall make those laugh whoselungs are tickled o' the sere; and the lady shallsay her mind freely, or the blank verse shall haltfor't. What players are they?

  ROSENCRANTZ

  The tragic group from the city.

  Even those you were wont to take delight in, thetragedians of the city.

  HAMLET

  What are they doing on the road? They were very popular and profitable.

  How chances it they travel? their residence, bothin reputation and profit, was better both ways.

  ROSENCRANTZ

  Things change and now they travel.

  I think their inhibition comes by the means of thelate innovation.

  HAMLET

  Are they still popular as they used to be? Do they still pull a crowd?

  Do they hold the same estimation they did when I wasin the city? are they so followed?

  ROSENCRANTZ

  No, not anymore.

  No, indeed, are they not.

  HAMLET

  Why? Are they getting old?

  How comes it? do they grow rusty?

  ROSENCRANTZ

  No, they are the same, but there is a group of children who yell out their lines the crowd loves. They are all the rage. The rich theater-goers don’t come out for fear they will be teased by the writers.

  Nay, their endeavour keeps in the wonted pace: butthere is, sir, an aery of children, little eyases,that cry out on the top of question, and are mosttyrannically clapped for't: these are now thefashion, and so berattle the common stages--so theycall them--that many wearing rapiers are afraid ofgoose-quills and dare scarce come thither.
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  HAMLET

  Children actors? Who takes care of them? How do they get around? Will they stay actors when they grow up? Won’t they be used up by the time they are adults? Or do they have money?

  What, are they children? who maintains 'em? how arethey escoted? Will they pursue the quality nolonger than they can sing? will they not sayafterwards, if they should grow themselves to commonplayers--as it is most like, if their means are nobetter--their writers do them wrong, to make themexclaim against their own succession?

  ROSENCRANTZ

  True, there has been a lot of controversy over the subject. For awhile, no plays were being held without a big fight over who was going to act.

  'Faith, there has been much to do on both sides; andthe nation holds it no sin to tarre them tocontroversy: there was, for a while, no money bidfor argument, unless the poet and the player went tocuffs in the question.

  HAMLET

  Really?

  Is't possible?

  GUILDENSTERN

  Oh, there has been much arguing about it.

  O, there has been much throwing about of brains.

  HAMLET

  Can the boys carry it off?

  Do the boys carry it away?

  ROSENCRANTZ

  Yes, they do. And they handle an adult load, too.

  Ay, that they do, my lord; Hercules and his load too.

  HAMLET

  I guess it is not very strange. For example, my uncle, the king of Denmark, was made fun of when my father lived. Now, those same people who made fun of him are paying for a little picture of him. It certainly is something to think about.

  It is not very strange; for mine uncle is king ofDenmark, and those that would make mows at him whilemy father lived, give twenty, forty, fifty, anhundred ducats a-piece for his picture in little.'Sblood, there is something in this more thannatural, if philosophy could find it out.

  Flourish of trumpets within

  GUILDENSTERN

  Here come the actors.

  There are the players.

  HAMLET

  Gentlemen, welcome to Elsinore. Shake my hand and let me keep up with fashion and customs. You are welcome. But, let me deceive my uncle-father and aunt-mother.

  Gentlemen, you are welcome to Elsinore. Your hands,come then: the appurtenance of welcome is fashionand ceremony: let me comply with you in this garb,lest my extent to the players, which, I tell you,must show fairly outward, should more appear likeentertainment than yours. You are welcome: but myuncle-father and aunt-mother are deceived.

  GUILDENSTERN

  In what, my dear lord?

  In what, my dear lord?

  HAMLET

  I am completely crazy, sometimes. But, other times I am straight as an arrow.

  I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind issoutherly I know a hawk from a handsaw.

  Enter POLONIUS

  LORD POLONIUS

  Gentlemen, I hope you are well!

  Well be with you, gentlemen!

  HAMLET

  Hey, listen Guilderstern and Rosencrantz. There’s a great big baby who is still in diapers.

  Hark you, Guildenstern; and you too: at each ear ahearer: that great baby you see there is not yetout of his swaddling-clouts.

  ROSENCRANTZ

  He must be in his second childhood; once a man, twice a child, they say.

  Happily he's the second time come to them; for theysay an old man is twice a child.

  HAMLET

  I believe he is coming to tell me about the actors. Watch. Oh, yes, you were right about Monday.

  I will prophesy he comes to tell me of the players;mark it. You say right, sir: o' Monday morning;'twas so indeed.

  LORD POLONIUS

  My lord, I have news for you.

  My lord, I have news to tell you.

  HAMLET

  My lord, I have news for you. When Roscius was an actor in Rome…

  My lord, I have news to tell you.When Roscius was an actor in Rome,--

  LORD POLONIUS

  The actors are here, my lord.

  The actors are come hither, my lord.

  HAMLET

  Whatever!

  Buz, buz!

  LORD POLONIUS

  My word…

  Upon mine honour,--

  HAMLET

  Each one coming in on his ass…

  Then came each actor on his ass,--

  LORD POLONIUS

  These are the best actors in the world. They can perform anything from Seneca to Plautus. There is nothing too difficult for these actors.

  The best actors in the world, either for tragedy,comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral-comical,historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-comical-historical-pastoral, scene individable, orpoem unlimited: Seneca cannot be too heavy, norPlautus too light. For the law of writ and theliberty, these are the only men.

  HAMLET

  Oh, Jephthah, judge of Israel, what a treasure you have!

  O Jephthah, judge of Israel, what a treasure hadst thou!

  LORD POLONIUS

  What treasure are you talking about?

  What a treasure had he, my lord?

  HAMLET

  Well, “One fair daughter, and no more; that he loved so well.”

  Why,'One fair daughter and no more,The which he loved passing well.'

  LORD POLONIUS

  [Aside]

  Still hung up on my daughter.

  Still on my daughter.

  HAMLET

  Am I not telling it right, old Jephthah?

  Am I not i' the right, old Jephthah?

  LORD POLONIUS

  I do have a daughter like Japhthath, my lord, and I love her very much.If you call me Jephthah, my lord, I have a daughterthat I love passing well.

  HAMLET

  No, that can’t be right?

  Nay, that follows not.

  LORD POLONIUS

  What is right, then?

  What follows, then, my lord?

  HAMLET

  Why, only God knows what is right. Listen to the words. Wait, here comes the actors.

  Why,'As by lot, God wot,'and then, you know,'It came to pass, as most like it was,'--the first row of the pious chanson will show youmore; for look, where my abridgement comes.

  Enter four or five Players

  You are welcome friends. I am glad to see you doing so well. Oh, I know you. You’ve grown a beard, since I saw you last. Have you come to put a beard on me, too? And, my young lady, you’ve grown, since I saw you. I hope your voice hasn’t changed. Actors, you are welcome. Give us a speech, a passionate one to peak our interests.

  You are welcome, masters; welcome, all. I am gladto see thee well. Welcome, good friends. O, my oldfriend! thy face is valenced since I saw thee last:comest thou to beard me in Denmark? What, my younglady and mistress! By'r lady, your ladyship isnearer to heaven than when I saw you last, by thealtitude of a chopine. Pray God, your voice, likeapiece of uncurrent gold, be not cracked within thering. Masters, you are all welcome. We'll e'ento't like French falconers, fly at any thing we see:we'll have a speech straight: come, give us a tasteof your quality; come, a passionate speech.

  First Player

  What kind of speech, my lord?

  What speech, my lord?

  HAMLET

  I heard you once make a speech, but you never acted it out. Or if it was, it wasn’t very popular. It was like caviar to the poor. But, the critics and I thought it was excellent. I remember one said it was not fancy but clever. Another said it was truly honest. One speech I loved was from Aeneas to Dido, talking about the death of Priam. If you remember it, start with “The rugged Pyrrhus, like the Hyrcanian beast.” No, that’s not right. It started with “The rugged Pyrrhus, with black arms and purpose, resembling the night on his horse, is now covered in red blood of fathers, mothers, daughters, and sons. The blood is baked with the burning streets from fires he lit that illuminate the murders he committed. Drenched in gore, he goes in search of old Priam.”
Start from there.

  I heard thee speak me a speech once, but it wasnever acted; or, if it was, not above once; for theplay, I remember, pleased not the million; 'twascaviare to the general: but it was--as I receivedit, and others, whose judgments in such matterscried in the top of mine--an excellent play, welldigested in the scenes, set down with as muchmodesty as cunning. I remember, one said therewere no sallets in the lines to make the mattersavoury, nor no matter in the phrase that mightindict the author of affectation; but called it anhonest method, as wholesome as sweet, and by verymuch more handsome than fine. One speech in it Ichiefly loved: 'twas Aeneas' tale to Dido; andthereabout of it especially, where he speaks ofPriam's slaughter: if it live in your memory, beginat this line: let me see, let me see--'The rugged Pyrrhus, like the Hyrcanian beast,'--it is not so:--it begins with Pyrrhus:--'The rugged Pyrrhus, he whose sable arms,Black as his purpose, did the night resembleWhen he lay couched in the ominous horse,Hath now this dread and black complexion smear'dWith heraldry more dismal; head to footNow is he total gules; horridly trick'dWith blood of fathers, mothers, daughters, sons,Baked and impasted with the parching streets,That lend a tyrannous and damned lightTo their lord's murder: roasted in wrath and fire,And thus o'er-sized with coagulate gore,With eyes like carbuncles, the hellish PyrrhusOld grandsire Priam seeks.'So, proceed you.

  LORD POLONIUS

  I swear to God, my lord, you said that so well and with the proper accent and pauses.

  'Fore God, my lord, well spoken, with good accent andgood discretion.