The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 526
Polonius tells me, my sweet queen, he may know what is wrong with your son.
He tells me, my dear Gertrude, he hath foundThe head and source of all your son's distemper.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
I doubt it is anything other than the death of his father and our hasty marriage.
I doubt it is no other but the main;His father's death, and our o'erhasty marriage.
KING CLAUDIUS
Well, we will hear him out.
Well, we shall sift him.
Re-enter POLONIUS, with VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS
Welcome, good friends! What do you know, Voltimand, about our neighbor Norway?
Welcome, my good friends!Say, Voltimand, what from our brother Norway?
VOLTIMAND
Thank you, your highness. When we first visited Norway, your brother sent out soldiers to stop his nephew. He thought Fortinbras was preparing to attack the Poles, but at a second look, he discovered the attack was meant for you. This news made him sick, so he arrested Fortinbras, who in turn, vowed to his uncle to not send arms against Denmark. His uncle, being so overjoyed by his nephew’s vows, gave him an increase in his annual salary and permission to employ soldiers to attack the Poles.
Most fair return of greetings and desires.Upon our first, he sent out to suppressHis nephew's levies; which to him appear'dTo be a preparation 'gainst the Polack;But, better look'd into, he truly foundIt was against your highness: whereat grieved,That so his sickness, age and impotenceWas falsely borne in hand, sends out arrestsOn Fortinbras; which he, in brief, obeys;Receives rebuke from Norway, and in fineMakes vow before his uncle never moreTo give the assay of arms against your majesty.Whereon old Norway, overcome with joy,Gives him three thousand crowns in annual fee,And his commission to employ those soldiers,So levied as before, against the Polack:With an entreaty, herein further shown,
Giving a paper
He asks for safe passage through Denmark for this mission.
That it might please you to give quiet passThrough your dominions for this enterprise,On such regards of safety and allowanceAs therein are set down.
KING CLAUDIUS
I think that will be fine but I will read it later and make my decision. In the meantime, thank you for your work. Go get some rest for tonight we will feast together. Welcome home!
It likes us well;And at our more consider'd time well read,Answer, and think upon this business.Meantime we thank you for your well-took labour:Go to your rest; at night we'll feast together:Most welcome home!
Exeunt VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS
LORD POLONIUS
Well, that turned out well. My liege and madam, to think about what is majestic, what duty is, why day is day, night is night, and time is time, is a waste of time. To be serious for a moment, and I will be brief, I think your son is crazy. I call it crazy, because I don’t know a better word to describe his actions. But, let’s put madness aside.
This business is well ended.My liege, and madam, to expostulateWhat majesty should be, what duty is,Why day is day, night night, and time is time,Were nothing but to waste night, day and time.Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit,And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,I will be brief: your noble son is mad:Mad call I it; for, to define true madness,What is't but to be nothing else but mad?But let that go.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Get to the point and don’t embellish the truth.
More matter, with less art.
LORD POLONIUS
Madam, I swear I am telling the truth. Hamlet is mad. It is pitiful and true. I am not embellishing the truth. If he is mad, and I think he is, then we must find the cause of his craziness, because it must be caused by something. You see, I have a daughter, for now, who is dutiful and obedient in giving me this. Now listen and see what you think.
Madam, I swear I use no art at all.That he is mad, 'tis true: 'tis true 'tis pity;And pity 'tis 'tis true: a foolish figure;But farewell it, for I will use no art.Mad let us grant him, then: and now remainsThat we find out the cause of this effect,Or rather say, the cause of this defect,For this effect defective comes by cause:Thus it remains, and the remainder thus. Perpend.I have a daughter--have while she is mine--Who, in her duty and obedience, mark,Hath given me this: now gather, and surmise.
Reads
“To the heavenly idol of my soul, the most beautiful Ophelia,”—That’s a little forward and calling her beautiful is definitely bold. But listen.
'To the celestial and my soul's idol, the mostbeautified Ophelia,'--That's an ill phrase, a vile phrase; 'beautified' isa vile phrase: but you shall hear. Thus:
Reads
“In her excellent white bosom, et cetera.”
'In her excellent white bosom, these, & c.'
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamlet sent this to her?
Came this from Hamlet to her?
LORD POLONIUS
Yes madam, listen for there is more.
Good madam, stay awhile; I will be faithful.
Reads
“You may doubt the stars are made of fire, the sun moves, or truth is a liar, but never doubt my love for you. “Oh dear Ophelia, I am not good at putting my feelings into words, but know I love you best, the best of all. Believe it. Goodbye.” “Yours truly, my dear lady, as long as I live.” My daughter in her obedience gave me this letter and told me how he has wooed her.
'Doubt thou the stars are fire;Doubt that the sun doth move;Doubt truth to be a liar;But never doubt I love.'O dear Ophelia, I am ill at these numbers;I have not art to reckon my groans: but thatI love thee best, O most best, believe it. Adieu.'Thine evermore most dear lady, whilstthis machine is to him, HAMLET.'This, in obedience, hath my daughter shown me,And more above, hath his solicitings,As they fell out by time, by means and place,All given to mine ear.
KING CLAUDIUS
How does she feel about him?
But how hath sheReceived his love?
LORD POLONIUS
What do you take me for?
What do you think of me?
KING CLAUDIUS
I think you are a faithful and honorable man.
As of a man faithful and honourable.
LORD POLONIUS
I should hope so. But, what would you have thought of me if I had turned my head when I saw this blossoming love? What would you or your majesty the queen thought if I had not acted on what I saw? No, I took action. I told my daughter, “Lord Hamlet is a prince and not of your same position in life.” Then, I ordered her to stay away from him, take no messages from him, or any gifts. When she did this, he fell into such a sadness that he could not eat, which led to a weak state that turned into madness. All of this took place while we were preoccupied by the situation with Fortinbras.
I would fain prove so. But what might you think,When I had seen this hot love on the wing--As I perceived it, I must tell you that,Before my daughter told me--what might you,Or my dear majesty your queen here, think,If I had play'd the desk or table-book,Or given my heart a winking, mute and dumb,Or look'd upon this love with idle sight;What might you think? No, I went round to work,And my young mistress thus I did bespeak:'Lord Hamlet is a prince, out of thy star;This must not be:' and then I precepts gave her,That she should lock herself from his resort,Admit no messengers, receive no tokens.Which done, she took the fruits of my advice;And he, repulsed--a short tale to make--Fell into a sadness, then into a fast,Thence to a watch, thence into a weakness,Thence to a lightness, and, by this declension,Into the madness wherein now he raves,And all we mourn for.
KING CLAUDIUS
Do you think this is possible?
Do you think 'tis this?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
It is possible and quite possible.
It may be, very likely.
LORD POLONIUS
Have I ever told you something I thought was true and it turned out not to be?
Hath there been such a time--I'd fain know that--That I have positively said 'Tis so,'When it proved otherwise?
KI
NG CLAUDIUS
Not that I know of.
Not that I know.
LORD POLONIUS
[Pointing to his head and shoulder]Not that I know of.
If it is not the truth, I will find out what is if I have to go the center of the world.
Take this from this, if this be otherwise:If circumstances lead me, I will findWhere truth is hid, though it were hid indeedWithin the centre.
KING CLAUDIUS
What can we do to find out?
How may we try it further?
LORD POLONIUS
Sometimes he walks for hours here in the lobby.
You know, sometimes he walks four hours togetherHere in the lobby.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
He does indeed.
So he does indeed.
LORD POLONIUS
When he is walking, I will allow my daughter to go to him. We will hide and watch what happens. If he doesn’t love her and his love is not the reason for his breakdown then I will no longer be an assistant for the state, but a farmer.
At such a time I'll loose my daughter to him:Be you and I behind an arras then;Mark the encounter: if he love her notAnd be not from his reason fall'n thereon,Let me be no assistant for a state,But keep a farm and carters.
KING CLAUDIUS
Okay, we will try it.
We will try it.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Here he comes, the sad fellow, walking and reading.
But, look, where sadly the poor wretch comes reading.
LORD POLONIUS
Go. Both of you go away and I’ll talk to him.
Away, I do beseech you, both away:I'll board him presently.
Exeunt KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, and Attendants
Enter HAMLET, reading
How are you Hamlet?
O, give me leave:How does my good Lord Hamlet?
HAMLET
I’m well, thanks be to God.
Well, God-a-mercy.
LORD POLONIUS
Do you recognize me, my lord?
Do you know me, my lord?
HAMLET
Of course; you’re a fishmonger.
Excellent well; you are a fishmonger.
LORD POLONIUS
No, not me, my lord.
Not I, my lord.
HAMLET
Well, I hope you are an honest man.
Then I would you were so honest a man.
LORD POLONIUS
Oh yes, I am honest, sir.
Honest, my lord!
HAMLET
Yes, it is rare to be honest in this world. Only one out of ten thousand men are honest.
Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to beone man picked out of ten thousand.
LORD POLONIUS
That’s very true, my lord.
That's very true, my lord.
HAMLET
For if the sun causes maggots in a dead dog,--Have you a daughter?
For if the sun breed maggots in a dead dog, being agod kissing carrion,--Have you a daughter?
LORD POLONIUS
I do, my lord.
I have, my lord.
HAMLET
Don’t let her walk in the sun. Conception is a blessing, but don’t let your daughter conceive that way, friend.
Let her not walk i' the sun: conception is ablessing: but not as your daughter may conceive.Friend, look to 't.
LORD POLONIUS
[Aside]
What do you mean? He is still hung up on my daughter. Yet, he didn’t know me at first. He thought I was a fishmonger. He is far gone, and I remember suffering from love’s sting in my youth. I’ll try to talk to him again. What are you reading, my lord?
How say you by that? Still harping on mydaughter: yet he knew me not at first; he said Iwas a fishmonger: he is far gone, far gone: andtruly in my youth I suffered much extremity forlove; very near this. I'll speak to him again.What do you read, my lord?
HAMLET
Words, words, words.
Words, words, words.
LORD POLONIUS
What is the matter, my lord?
What is the matter, my lord?
HAMLET
Between who?
Between who?
LORD POLONIUS
I mean, the subject matter that you read, my lord.
I mean, the matter that you read, my lord.
HAMLET
Lies, sir. The slave to satire says here that old men have gray beards and wrinkled faces, their cloudy eyes are blood-shot, and they have lost their minds as well as their strength. Although, I believe it to be true, I think it is wrong to write it down. Don’t you agree, you being as old as I am, if you could go back in time?
Slanders, sir: for the satirical rogue says herethat old men have grey beards, that their faces arewrinkled, their eyes purging thick amber andplum-tree gum and that they have a plentiful lack ofwit, together with most weak hams: all which, sir,though I most powerfully and potently believe, yetI hold it not honesty to have it thus set down, foryourself, sir, should be old as I am, if like a crabyou could go backward.
LORD POLONIUS
[Aside]
There is some sense in his madness. Will you come outside, my lord?
Though this be madness, yet there is methodin 't. Will you walk out of the air, my lord?
HAMLET
To my grave?
Into my grave.
LORD POLONIUS
Well, that is outside.
Indeed, that is out o' the air.
Aside
He seems to be hinting at something with his answers. He seems so happy, too; a happiness only possible through insanity. I will leave him and arrange a later meeting between him and my daughter.—My honorable lord, I am leaving now.
How pregnant sometimes his replies are! a happinessthat often madness hits on, which reason and sanitycould not so prosperously be delivered of. I willleave him, and suddenly contrive the means ofmeeting between him and my daughter.--My honourablelord, I will most humbly take my leave of you.
HAMLET
You cannot, sir. Take anything from me except my life, except my life, except my life.
You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I willmore willingly part withal: except my life, exceptmy life, except my life.
LORD POLONIUS
Goodbye, my lord.
Fare you well, my lord.
HAMLET
These are some worrisome old fools!
These tedious old fools!
Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN
LORD POLONIUS
If you are looking for the Lord Hamlet, he is over there.
You go to seek the Lord Hamlet; there he is.
ROSENCRANTZ
[To POLONIUS]
Thank you, sir!
God save you, sir!
Exit POLONIUS
GUILDENSTERN
My honored lord!
My honoured lord!
ROSENCRANTZ
My most dear sir!
My most dear lord!
HAMLET
Well, look who it is, my excellent friends! How are you, Guildenstern? And, Rosencrantz! Gentlemen, how are you?
My excellent good friends! How dost thou,Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both?
ROSENCRANTZ
We are well, happy and carefree.
As the indifferent children of the earth.
GUILDENSTERN
Happy, but not overly happy. We have been lucky, but not the luckiest.
Happy, in that we are not over-happy;On fortune's cap we are not the very button.
HAMLET
But, you haven’t been unlucky?
Nor the soles of her shoe?
ROSENCRANTZ
No, we are fine.
Neither, my lord.
HAMLET
So you live about the waist of Lady Luck.
Then you live about her waist, or in the middle ofher favours?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, by God, we live somewhere in the middle.
'Faith, her privates we.
HAMLET
Near her secret parts? Oh, she is a whore. What’s going on?
In the secret parts of fortune? O, most true; sheis a strumpet. What's the news?
ROSENCRANTZ
Nothing, my lord, since there is peace in the world.
None, my lord, but that the world's grown honest.
HAMLET
I guess that means that the end of the world is soon. Let me be more specific: What are doing here in this prison?
Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true.Let me question more in particular: what have you,my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune,that she sends you to prison hither?
GUILDENSTERN
Prison, my lord!
Prison, my lord!
HAMLET
Denmark’s a prison.
Denmark's a prison.
ROSENCRANTZ
So is the world.
Then is the world one.
HAMLET
Yes, the world has many prisons, and Denmark is the worst.
A goodly one; in which there are many confines,wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o' the worst.
ROSENCRANTZ
We don’t think so, my lord.
We think not so, my lord.
HAMLET