The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Ha, ha! are you honest?

  OPHELIA

  What?

  My lord?

  HAMLET

  Are you beautiful?

  Are you fair?

  OPHELIA

  What are you talking about?

  What means your lordship?

  HAMLET

  I am saying, if you are honest and beautiful, then your honesty should not affect your beauty.

  That if you be honest and fair, your honesty shouldadmit no discourse to your beauty.

  OPHELIA

  Is beauty, my lord, more important than honesty?

  Could beauty, my lord, have better commerce thanwith honesty?

  HAMLET

  Yes, because beauty can change a person, but honesty cannot change anything. I used to be confused by this, but I understand now. I used to love you.

  Ay, truly; for the power of beauty will soonertransform honesty from what it is to a bawd than theforce of honesty can translate beauty into hislikeness: this was sometime a paradox, but now thetime gives it proof. I did love you once.

  OPHELIA

  You made me think you did.

  Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.

  HAMLET

  You should not have believed me, because we are all evil beings. I did not love you. You should not have believed me; for virtue cannotso inoculate our old stock but we shall relish ofit: I loved you not.

  OPHELIA

  I was fooled.

  I was the more deceived.

  HAMLET

  Get to a convent or would you rather be a mother to more sinners? I am an honest person, but even I am guilty of sin and it would have been better if I had never been born. I am proud, vengeful, and ambitious, with more sin in my heart than I have time to put into thoughts or actions. What should a man, like me, do? We are all sinners; don’t believe any of us. Go find a convent. Where’s your father?

  Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be abreeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest;but yet I could accuse me of such things that itwere better my mother had not borne me: I am veryproud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences atmy beck than I have thoughts to put them in,imagination to give them shape, or time to act themin. What should such fellows as I do crawlingbetween earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves,all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery.Where's your father?

  OPHELIA

  At home, my lord.

  At home, my lord.

  HAMLET

  May he stay there and pretend to be a fool. Goodbye.

  Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play thefool no where but in's own house. Farewell.

  OPHELIA

  O, help him, Lord!

  O, help him, you sweet heavens!

  HAMLET

  If you do marry, I’ll give you this curse as a gift,--Be as cold as ice, pure as snow, but you will not escape trouble. Now, go to a convent. Goodbye. Or, if you need to marry, marry a fool. Smart men know what women will do. Go to a convent, and go quickly. Goodbye.

  If thou dost marry, I'll give thee this plague forthy dowry: be thou as chaste as ice, as pure assnow, thou shalt not escape calumny. Get thee to anunnery, go: farewell. Or, if thou wilt needsmarry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enoughwhat monsters you make of them. To a nunnery, go,and quickly too. Farewell.

  OPHELIA

  Oh God, help him!

  O heavenly powers, restore him!

  HAMLET

  I have heard of how you put on makeup and dance and walk about talking like high society. I have heard of your loose ways. It’s driven me crazy. Go on. I declare there will be no more marriages: those that already are married may stay that way, but there will be no more. Take yourself to a convent.

  I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; Godhas given you one face, and you make yourselvesanother: you jig, you amble, and you lisp, andnick-name God's creatures, and make your wantonnessyour ignorance. Go to, I'll no more on't; it hathmade me mad. I say, we will have no more marriages:those that are married already, all but one, shalllive; the rest shall keep as they are. To anunnery, go.

  Exit

  OPHELIA

  Oh, what a wonderful mind has been lost! He was such a gentleman, a scholar, and soldier. He used to be the pride of the state with his perfect charm and sense of taste. Everyone loved him, wanted to be like him! Now he is so low! And I, of all the ladies who loved to hear his voice, have seen him at his worst. His youthfulness has been killed by madness. Oh, how terrible to see what I have seen, to see what I see, now.

  O, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!The courtier's, soldier's, scholar's, eye, tongue, sword;The expectancy and rose of the fair state,The glass of fashion and the mould of form,The observed of all observers, quite, quite down!And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,That suck'd the honey of his music vows,Now see that noble and most sovereign reason,Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune and harsh;That unmatch'd form and feature of blown youthBlasted with ecstasy: O, woe is me,To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!

  Re-enter KING CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Oh, what a wonderful mind has been lost! He was such a gentleman, a scholar, and soldier. He used to be the pride of the state with his perfect charm and sense of taste. Everyone loved him, wanted to be like him! Now he is so low! And I, of all the ladies who loved to hear his voice, have seen him at his worst. His youthfulness has been killed by madness. Oh, how terrible to see what I have seen, to see what I see, now.

  Love! his affections do not that way tend;Nor what he spake, though it lack'd form a little,Was not like madness. There's something in his soul,O'er which his melancholy sits on brood;And I do doubt the hatch and the discloseWill be some danger: which for to prevent,I have in quick determinationThus set it down: he shall with speed to England,For the demand of our neglected tributeHaply the seas and countries differentWith variable objects shall expelThis something-settled matter in his heart,Whereon his brains still beating puts him thusFrom fashion of himself. What think you on't?

  LORD POLONIUS

  It may work, but I still believe his behavior was caused by his unreturned love for Ophelia. Hello, Ophelia. We heard what Hamlet said. My lord, do whatever pleases you, but if you don’t mind, let his mother talk with him alone tonight after the play to see if she can find out what is bothering him. I’ll listen to what they say. If she can’t get it out of him, then send him to England or wherever you think is best.

  It shall do well: but yet do I believeThe origin and commencement of his griefSprung from neglected love. How now, Ophelia!You need not tell us what Lord Hamlet said;We heard it all. My lord, do as you please;But, if you hold it fit, after the playLet his queen mother all alone entreat himTo show his grief: let her be round with him;And I'll be placed, so please you, in the earOf all their conference. If she find him not,To England send him, or confine him whereYour wisdom best shall think.

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Okay. We must be watchful of insanity among great men. It shall be so:Madness in great ones must not unwatch'd go.

  Exeunt

  A hall in the castle

  Enter HAMLET and Players

  HAMLET

  Please say the speech like I told you, smoothly and flowingly. If you start saying it like the other players do, I might as well have the town crier do it. Don’t use your hands too much, either. You must not get too emotional, because nothing bothers me more than to hear a fellow in a wig ruin a passionate story with loud, showy actions to please to the crowd. I would rather whip a man for performing like the old plays where King Herod went on and on. Please avoid doing that.

  Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it toyou, trippingly on the tongue: but if you mouth it,as many of your players do, I had as lief thetown-crier spoke my lines. Nor do not saw the airtoo much with your hand, thus, but use all gently;for in the very torrent, tempest, and, as I may say,the whirlwind of passion, you must acquire and begeta temperance
that may give it smoothness. O, itoffends me to the soul to hear a robustiousperiwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters, tovery rags, to split the ears of the groundlings, whofor the most part are capable of nothing butinexplicable dumbshows and noise: I would have sucha fellow whipped for o'erdoing Termagant; itout-herods Herod: pray you, avoid it.

  First Player

  I will try, your honor.

  I warrant your honour.

  HAMLET

  Don’t be too tame, either. Use your instincts. Make sure the action suits the word and vice-versa. Just be natural and don’t overdo it. I want this play to be believable. Don’t perform just to make the commoners laugh, while the other listeners must suffer. I have seen plays performed like that, and I couldn’t stand it; the performers were so inept.

  Be not too tame neither, but let your own discretionbe your tutor: suit the action to the word, theword to the action; with this special o'erstep notthe modesty of nature: for any thing so overdone isfrom the purpose of playing, whose end, both at thefirst and now, was and is, to hold, as 'twere, themirror up to nature; to show virtue her own feature,scorn her own image, and the very age and body ofthe time his form and pressure. Now this overdone,or come tardy off, though it make the unskilfullaugh, cannot but make the judicious grieve; thecensure of the which one must in your allowanceo'erweigh a whole theatre of others. O, there beplayers that I have seen play, and heard otherspraise, and that highly, not to speak it profanely,that, neither having the accent of Christians northe gait of Christian, pagan, nor man, have sostrutted and bellowed that I have thought some ofnature's journeymen had made men and not made themwell, they imitated humanity so abominably.

  First Player

  I hope we please you, sir.

  I hope we have reformed that indifferently with us,sir.

  HAMLET

  I’m sure you will. And don’t let your comedians improvise and ruin the play. Only amateurs attempt to win over the audience with vile humor. Go get ready.

  O, reform it altogether. And let those that playyour clowns speak no more than is set down for them;for there be of them that will themselves laugh, toset on some quantity of barren spectators to laughtoo; though, in the mean time, some necessaryquestion of the play be then to be considered:that's villanous, and shows a most pitiful ambitionin the fool that uses it. Go, make you ready.

  Exeunt Players

  Enter POLONIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN

  Hello, my lord! Is the king attending the play?

  How now, my lord! I will the king hear this piece of work?

  LORD POLONIUS

  The queen is coming, too. They should be here soon.

  And the queen too, and that presently.

  HAMLET

  Tell the actors to hurry.

  Bid the players make haste.

  Exit POLONIUS

  Will you two go hurry them along?

  Will you two help to hasten them?

  ROSENCRANTZ GUILDENSTERN

  We will, my lord.

  We will, my lord.

  Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

  HAMLET

  Hey, Horatio? What’s up?

  What ho! Horatio!

  Enter HORATIO

  HORATIO

  I am here to serve you, lord.

  Here, sweet lord, at your service.

  HAMLET

  You are just the man with whom I need to speak.

  Horatio, thou art e'en as just a manAs e'er my conversation coped withal.

  HORATIO

  O, my lord,--

  O, my dear lord,--

  HAMLET

  I’m not trying to flatter you. I don’t want anything. I am being sincere. A play is being held tonight resembling the situation of which you are aware. When the similar scene takes place, look at my uncle. If he does not look guilty, then I will know the ghost was a fake and I am a fool. I will be looking, too. Afterwards, we will compare what we saw.

  Nay, do not think I flatter;For what advancement may I hope from theeThat no revenue hast but thy good spirits,To feed and clothe thee? Why should the poor be flatter'd?No, let the candied tongue lick absurd pomp,And crook the pregnant hinges of the kneeWhere thrift may follow fawning. Dost thou hear?Since my dear soul was mistress of her choiceAnd could of men distinguish, her electionHath seal'd thee for herself; for thou hast beenAs one, in suffering all, that suffers nothing,A man that fortune's buffets and rewardsHast ta'en with equal thanks: and blest are thoseWhose blood and judgment are so well commingled,That they are not a pipe for fortune's fingerTo sound what stop she please. Give me that manThat is not passion's slave, and I will wear himIn my heart's core, ay, in my heart of heart,As I do thee.--Something too much of this.--There is a play to-night before the king;One scene of it comes near the circumstanceWhich I have told thee of my father's death:I prithee, when thou seest that act afoot,Even with the very comment of thy soulObserve mine uncle: if his occulted guiltDo not itself unkennel in one speech,It is a damned ghost that we have seen,And my imaginations are as foulAs Vulcan's stithy. Give him heedful note;For I mine eyes will rivet to his face,And after we will both our judgments joinIn censure of his seeming.

  HORATIO

  I will watch him, my lord. His reaction will not escape me.

  Well, my lord:If he steal aught the whilst this play is playing,And 'scape detecting, I will pay the theft.

  HAMLET

  Here they come. I have to look normal. Go get a seat.

  They are coming to the play; I must be idle:Get you a place.

  Danish march. A flourish. Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and others

  KING CLAUDIUS

  How is our cousin Hamlet?

  How fares our cousin Hamlet?

  HAMLET

  I am as excellent as can be. I eat the air like the chameleons.

  Excellent, i' faith; of the chameleon's dish: I eatthe air, promise-crammed: you cannot feed capons so.

  KING CLAUDIUS

  I don’t know what to say, Hamlet. I don’t understand you.

  I have nothing with this answer, Hamlet; these wordsare not mine.

  HAMLET

  Me either.

  No, nor mine now.

  To POLONIUS

  My lord, didn’t you perform once at the university?

  My lord, you played once i' the university, you say?

  LORD POLONIUS

  Yes I did, my lord, and I was pretty good.

  That did I, my lord; and was accounted a good actor.

  HAMLET

  What play did you perform?

  What did you enact?

  LORD POLONIUS

  I was in Julius Caesar. I was killed in the Capitol by Brutus.

  I did enact Julius Caesar: I was killed i' theCapitol; Brutus killed me.

  HAMLET

  What a brute to slaughter such a capital calf. Are the performers ready?

  It was a brute part of him to kill so capital a calfthere. Be the players ready?

  ROSENCRANTZ

  Yes, sir, they are waiting for you.

  Ay, my lord; they stay upon your patience.

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  Come here, Hamlet, and sit by me.

  Come hither, my dear Hamlet, sit by me.

  HAMLET

  No, Mother, this seat is better.

  No, good mother, here's metal more attractive.

  LORD POLONIUS

  [To KING CLAUDIUS]

  Did you hear that? What do you make of it?

  O, ho! do you mark that?

  HAMLET

  Lady, may I lie in your lap?

  Lady, shall I lie in your lap?

  Lying down at OPHELIA's feet

  OPHELIA

  No, my lord.

  No, my lord.

  HAMLET

  I mean with my head in your lap.

  I mean, my head upon your lap?

  OPHELIA

  Yes, my lord.

  Ay, my lord.


  HAMLET

  Did you think I meant something inappropriate?

  Do you think I meant country matters?

  OPHELIA

  I wasn’t thinking anything, my lord.

  I think nothing, my lord.

  HAMLET

  That’s a nice thought to lie between a girl’s legs.

  That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.

  OPHELIA

  What is, sir?

  What is, my lord?

  HAMLET

  Nothing.

  Nothing.

  OPHELIA

  You are happy, my lord.

  You are merry, my lord.

  HAMLET

  Who, me?

  Who, I?

  OPHELIA

  Yes, my lord.

  Ay, my lord.

  HAMLET

  Oh, you silly girl! What man wouldn’t be happy? Just look at my mother, how happy she looks, with my father only dead a couple of hours.

  O God, your only jig-maker. What should a man dobut be merry? for, look you, how cheerfully mymother looks, and my father died within these two hours.

  OPHELIA

  It’s been over four months, my lord.

  Nay, 'tis twice two months, my lord.

  HAMLET

  That long? Well then, for whom am I mourning? Oh God! Dead two months, and not quite forgotten. There is hope for a man’s memory, that it may outlive him. But, he’s got to build churches for that to happen. Otherwise, he will be like the carnival, soon forgotten.

  So long? Nay then, let the devil wear black, forI'll have a suit of sables. O heavens! die twomonths ago, and not forgotten yet? Then there'shope a great man's memory may outlive his life halfa year: but, by'r lady, he must build churches,then; or else shall he suffer not thinking on, withthe hobby-horse, whose epitaph is 'For, O, for, O,the hobby-horse is forgot.'