The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Hautboys play. The dumb-show enters

  Enter a King and a Queen very lovingly; the Queen embracing him, and he her. She kneels, and makes show of protestation unto him. He takes her up, and declines his head upon her neck: lays him down upon a bank of flowers: she, seeing him asleep, leaves him. Anon comes in a fellow, takes off his crown, kisses it, and pours poison in the King's ears, and exit. The Queen returns; finds the King dead, and makes passionate action. The Poisoner, with some two or three Mutes, comes in again, seeming to lament with her. The dead body is carried away. The Poisoner wooes the Queen with gifts: she seems loath and unwilling awhile, but in the end accepts his love

  Exeunt

  OPHELIA

  What do you mean, my lord?

  What means this, my lord?

  HAMLET

  It means mischief is brewing.

  Marry, this is miching mallecho; it means mischief.

  OPHELIA

  The play is about to begin.

  Belike this show imports the argument of the play.

  Enter Prologue

  HAMLET

  Here comes the players. They are about to begin.

  We shall know by this fellow: the players cannotkeep counsel; they'll tell all.

  OPHELIA

  Will he give us an introduction?

  Will he tell us what this show meant?

  HAMLET

  Yes, or you can put a play on for him. Don’t be ashamed to play and let him tell the story.

  Ay, or any show that you'll show him: be not youashamed to show, he'll not shame to tell you what it means.

  OPHELIA

  You are naughty. I’ll watch the actors.

  You are naught, you are naught: I'll mark the play.

  Prologue

  We humbly present our tragedy for your enjoyment. Please listen.

  For us, and for our tragedy,Here stooping to your clemency,We beg your hearing patiently.

  Exit

  HAMLET

  Was that the prologue or an inscription on a ring?

  Is this a prologue, or the posy of a ring?

  OPHELIA

  It was brief, my lord.

  'Tis brief, my lord.

  HAMLET

  As a woman’s love.

  As woman's love.

  Enter two Players, King and Queen

  Player King

  We have been married now for thirty years.

  Full thirty times hath Phoebus' cart gone roundNeptune's salt wash and Tellus' orbed ground,And thirty dozen moons with borrow'd sheenAbout the world have times twelve thirties been,Since love our hearts and Hymen did our handsUnite commutual in most sacred bands.

  Player Queen

  I hope we have thirty more, but you have not been yourself lately. You seem sad. But, I am just a woman who fears the loss of her love.

  So many journeys may the sun and moonMake us again count o'er ere love be done!But, woe is me, you are so sick of late,So far from cheer and from your former state,That I distrust you. Yet, though I distrust,Discomfort you, my lord, it nothing must:For women's fear and love holds quantity;In neither aught, or in extremity.Now, what my love is, proof hath made you know;And as my love is sized, my fear is so:Where love is great, the littlest doubts are fear;Where little fears grow great, great love grows there.

  Player King

  I am afraid I must leave you soon. My body is old and does not work like it used to. You will probably find another husband.

  'Faith, I must leave thee, love, and shortly too;My operant powers their functions leave to do:And thou shalt live in this fair world behind,Honour'd, beloved; and haply one as kindFor husband shalt thou--

  Player Queen

  No man compares to you. I would rather be cursed than to marry again. When a woman marries a second time, she surely was responsible for the first husband’s death.

  O, confound the rest!Such love must needs be treason in my breast:In second husband let me be accurst!None wed the second but who kill'd the first.

  HAMLET

  [Aside]

  Ouch!

  Wormwood, wormwood.

  Player Queen

  A second marriage may be for money, but not for love. If I were to kiss my second husband, it would be like killing my first all over again.

  The instances that second marriage moveAre base respects of thrift, but none of love:A second time I kill my husband dead,When second husband kisses me in bed.

  Player King

  I know you believe what you are saying, now, but, you may change your mind. What we promise ourselves during times of great emotion, we may not keep when the emotions subside. After I am gone, your love and grief will run its course and then you may remarry.

  I do believe you think what now you speak;But what we do determine oft we break.Purpose is but the slave to memory,Of violent birth, but poor validity;Which now, like fruit unripe, sticks on the tree;But fall, unshaken, when they mellow be.Most necessary 'tis that we forgetTo pay ourselves what to ourselves is debt:What to ourselves in passion we propose,The passion ending, doth the purpose lose.The violence of either grief or joyTheir own enactures with themselves destroy:Where joy most revels, grief doth most lament;Grief joys, joy grieves, on slender accident.This world is not for aye, nor 'tis not strangeThat even our loves should with our fortunes change;For 'tis a question left us yet to prove,Whether love lead fortune, or else fortune love.The great man down, you mark his favourite flies;The poor advanced makes friends of enemies.And hitherto doth love on fortune tend;For who not needs shall never lack a friend,And who in want a hollow friend doth try,Directly seasons him his enemy.But, orderly to end where I begun,Our wills and fates do so contrary runThat our devices still are overthrown;Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own:So think thou wilt no second husband wed;But die thy thoughts when thy first lord is dead.

  Player Queen

  I will starve first! I will lock myself away in prison before I remarry. I will be a widow forever.

  Nor earth to me give food, nor heaven light!Sport and repose lock from me day and night!To desperation turn my trust and hope!An anchor's cheer in prison be my scope!Each opposite that blanks the face of joyMeet what I would have well and it destroy!Both here and hence pursue me lasting strife,If, once a widow, ever I be wife!

  HAMLET

  She will break that vow!

  If she should break it now!

  Player King

  You have sworn with great passion. Leave me for awhile. I would like to take a nap.

  'Tis deeply sworn. Sweet, leave me here awhile;My spirits grow dull, and fain I would beguileThe tedious day with sleep.

  Sleeps

  Player Queen

  Sleep tight and let nothing ever come between us!

  Sleep rock thy brain,And never come mischance between us twain!

  Exit

  HAMLET

  Madam, how are you liking this play?

  Madam, how like you this play?

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  I think the lady is overplaying it.

  The lady protests too much, methinks.

  HAMLET

  Oh, but she’ll keep her word.

  O, but she'll keep her word.

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Have you seen this play before? Is there anything offensive in it?

  Have you heard the argument? Is there no offence in 't?

  HAMLET

  No, no! It’s just a joke. I don’t think it is offensive at all.

  No, no, they do but jest, poison in jest; no offencei' the world.

  KING CLAUDIUS

  What is the name of the play?

  What do you call the play?

  HAMLET

  The Mouse-trap. Why? The play is about a murder in Vienna. Gonzago is the duke and his wife is Baptista. You will see, it’s just a common play. It might be uncomfortable for some, but we are guilt-free, so we can watch it without it bothering us.

  The Mouse-trap. Marry, how? Tropically. This playis the image o
f a murder done in Vienna: Gonzago isthe duke's name; his wife, Baptista: you shall seeanon; 'tis a knavish piece of work: but what o'that? your majesty and we that have free souls, ittouches us not: let the galled jade wince, ourwithers are unwrung.

  Enter LUCIANUS

  This is Lucianus, the king’s nephew.

  This is one Lucianus, nephew to the king.

  OPHELIA

  You are a good interpreter, my lord.

  You are as good as a chorus, my lord.

  HAMLET

  I could even interpret your relationship with your lover, if ever I saw you together.I could interpret between you and your love, if Icould see the puppets dallying.

  OPHELIA

  You’re so smart, my lord, so smart.

  You are keen, my lord, you are keen.

  HAMLET

  You could make me relax, but it may make you groan a little.

  It would cost you a groaning to take off my edge.

  OPHELIA

  You are so funny! Not!

  Still better, and worse.

  HAMLET

  That’s what women get when they get married.—But, let the murdering begin. Hurry up! “The croaking raven doth bellow for revenge.”

  So you must take your husbands. Begin, murderer;pox, leave thy damnable faces, and begin. Come:'the croaking raven doth bellow for revenge.'

  LUCIANUS

  I am ready. My thoughts are dark, my hands are still, the drugs are here, and it is time. The darkness obscures my actions. Let the magic do its work and take life quickly.

  Thoughts black, hands apt, drugs fit, and time agreeing;Confederate season, else no creature seeing;Thou mixture rank, of midnight weeds collected,With Hecate's ban thrice blasted, thrice infected,Thy natural magic and dire property,On wholesome life usurp immediately.

  Pours the poison into the sleeper's ears

  HAMLET

  He poisons him in the estates’ garden. His name’s Gonzago. The story is in the finest Italian. Now, you will see how the murderer seduces the duke’s wife.

  He poisons him i' the garden for's estate. Hisname's Gonzago: the story is extant, and writ inchoice Italian: you shall see anon how the murderergets the love of Gonzago's wife.

  OPHELIA

  The King is getting up.

  The king rises.

  HAMLET

  What? Is he scared of this pretend play?

  What, frighted with false fire!

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  Are you feeling okay, my lord?

  How fares my lord?

  LORD POLONIUS

  Stop the play.

  Give o'er the play.

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Someone turn on the lights. I’ve got to get out of here!

  Give me some light: away!

  All

  Lights! Lights!

  Lights, lights, lights!

  Exeunt all but HAMLET and HORATIO

  HAMLET

  Oh, let the hunted deer go weep, and let everyone else watch the play. I am putting up such a fine act, I may have to become an actor one day.

  Why, let the stricken deer go weep,The hart ungalled play;For some must watch, while some must sleep:So runs the world away.Would not this, sir, and a forest of feathers-- ifthe rest of my fortunes turn Turk with me--with twoProvincial roses on my razed shoes, get me afellowship in a cry of players, sir?

  HORATIO

  They might pay you half of the profits.

  Half a share.

  HAMLET

  I want all of it.

  For you know, my dear friend.

  This realm was rid of God, himself. And now

  reigns a peacock.

  A whole one, I.For thou dost know, O Damon dear,This realm dismantled wasOf Jove himself; and now reigns hereA very, very--pajock.

  HORATIO

  You might have rhymed.

  HAMLET

  Oh Horatio, I’ll take the ghost’s word for the truth. What did you think?

  O good Horatio, I'll take the ghost's word for athousand pound. Didst perceive?

  HORATIO

  I agree, my lord.

  Very well, my lord.

  HAMLET

  Did you see how he acted when they mentioned poison?

  Upon the talk of the poisoning?

  HORATIO

  I did, sir.

  I did very well note him.

  HAMLET

  Ah ha! Let’s have some music. Let the musicians play their instruments! If the king doesn’t like the comedy, oh well! Come on, music!

  Ah, ha! Come, some music! come, the recorders!For if the king like not the comedy,Why then, belike, he likes it not, perdy.Come, some music!

  Re-enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

  GUILDENSTERN

  My lord, could I have a word with you?

  Good my lord, vouchsafe me a word with you.

  HAMLET

  You can have many words, a whole history.

  Sir, a whole history.

  GUILDENSTERN

  Well, the king, sir…

  The king, sir,--

  HAMLET

  Yes, what of him?

  Ay, sir, what of him?

  GUILDENSTERN

  He is resting and he is very upset.

  Is in his retirement marvellous distempered.

  HAMLET

  Is he drunk, sir?

  With drink, sir?

  GUILDENSTERN

  No, my lord, he is angry.

  No, my lord, rather with choler.

  HAMLET

  You would be wise to tell his doctor. If I were to help, I would only make him angrier.

  Your wisdom should show itself more richer tosignify this to his doctor; for, for me to put himto his purgation would perhaps plunge him into farmore choler.

  GUILDENSTERN

  Please, my lord, try to be sensible.

  Good my lord, put your discourse into some frame andstart not so wildly from my affair.

  HAMLET

  Okay, I’m listening.

  I am tame, sir: pronounce.

  GUILDENSTERN

  The queen, your mother, is very upset and has sent for you.

  The queen, your mother, in most great affliction ofspirit, hath sent me to you.

  HAMLET

  Glad you could come.

  You are welcome.

  GUILDENSTERN

  You are not being good, my lord. If you cannot give me an answer, then I will excuse myself and return to your mother.

  Nay, good my lord, this courtesy is not of the rightbreed. If it shall please you to make me awholesome answer, I will do your mother'scommandment: if not, your pardon and my returnshall be the end of my business.

  HAMLET

  Sir, I can’t.

  Sir, I cannot.

  GUILDENSTERN

  Can’t what, my lord?

  What, my lord?

  HAMLET

  I can’t give you a good answer because my mind is not right, but, I’ll be as honest as possible. So, what did my mother want?

  Make you a wholesome answer; my wit's diseased: but,sir, such answer as I can make, you shall command;or, rather, as you say, my mother: therefore nomore, but to the matter: my mother, you say,--

  ROSENCRANTZ

  She says your behavior has amazed her and she is very proud of you.

  Then thus she says; your behavior hath struck herinto amazement and admiration.

  HAMLET

  Oh, what a wonderful son who can fill his mother with pride. But, what does she want?

  O wonderful son, that can so astonish a mother! Butis there no sequel at the heels of this mother'sadmiration? Impart.

  ROSENCRANTZ

  She wants to speak with you in her room before you go to bed.

  She desires to speak with you in her closet, ere yougo to bed.

  HAMLET

  We shall obey ten times over. Anything else?

  We shall obey, were she ten times our mother. Haveyou any further trade with us?

>   ROSENCRANTZ

  My lord, we were once friends.

  My lord, you once did love me.

  HAMLET

  We still are. I swear by these hands.

  So I do still, by these pickers and stealers.

  ROSENCRANTZ

  Good, my lord. What is wrong with you? You can’t be a free man with all of your grief locked up inside.

  Good my lord, what is your cause of distemper? youdo, surely, bar the door upon your own liberty, ifyou deny your griefs to your friend.

  HAMLET

  Sir, I can’t see any future for myself.

  Sir, I lack advancement.

  ROSENCRANTZ

  How is that possible, when you will be the next king of Denmark?

  How can that be, when you have the voice of the kinghimself for your succession in Denmark?

  HAMLET

  Yes, but how does the old proverb go: ‘While the grass grows…’ Oh, that is an old one.

  Ay, but sir, 'While the grass grows,'--the proverbis something musty.

  Re-enter Players with recorders

  Oh, the recorders are here. Let me see one. Hey, why are you standing so close, as if you would like to kill me?

  O, the recorders! let me see one. To withdraw withyou:--why do you go about to recover the wind of me,as if you would drive me into a toil?

  GUILDENSTERN

  Oh, sorry, my lord. I just am concerned about you.

  O, my lord, if my duty be too bold, my love is toounmannerly.