The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  My lord, I will be ruled;The rather, if you could devise it soThat I might be the organ.

  KING CLAUDIUS

  That should work. You are very popular in some aspects, and Hamlet may be envious of your special talent.

  It falls right.You have been talk'd of since your travel much,And that in Hamlet's hearing, for a qualityWherein, they say, you shine: your sum of partsDid not together pluck such envy from himAs did that one, and that, in my regard,Of the unworthiest siege.

  LAERTES

  What talent is that, my lord?

  What part is that, my lord?

  KING CLAUDIUS

  It’s nothing really. But just two months ago, I met a Norman who was a very skillful man on a horse. Even now, I cannot fathom how he did his tricks.

  A very riband in the cap of youth,Yet needful too; for youth no less becomesThe light and careless livery that it wearsThan settled age his sables and his weeds,Importing health and graveness. Two months since,Here was a gentleman of Normandy:--I've seen myself, and served against, the French,And they can well on horseback: but this gallantHad witchcraft in't; he grew unto his seat;And to such wondrous doing brought his horse,As he had been incorpsed and demi-naturedWith the brave beast: so far he topp'd my thought,That I, in forgery of shapes and tricks,Come short of what he did.

  LAERTES

  You say he was a Norman?

  A Norman was't?

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Yes, a Norman.

  A Norman.

  LAERTES

  I bet it was Lamond.

  Upon my life, Lamond.

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Yes, it was.

  The very same.

  LAERTES

  I know him well. He is much loved in his nation.

  I know him well: he is the brooch indeedAnd gem of all the nation.

  KING CLAUDIUS

  He said that you were the best swordsman in all of the world. This made Hamlet very envious.

  He made confession of you,And gave you such a masterly reportFor art and exercise in your defenceAnd for your rapier most especially,That he cried out, 'twould be a sight indeed,If one could match you: the scrimers of their nation,He swore, had had neither motion, guard, nor eye,If you opposed them. Sir, this report of hisDid Hamlet so envenom with his envyThat he could nothing do but wish and begYour sudden coming o'er, to play with him.Now, out of this,--

  LAERTES

  What’s the poing, my lord?

  What out of this, my lord?

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Laertes, was your father important to you? Or are you just putting on a show?

  Laertes, was your father dear to you?Or are you like the painting of a sorrow,A face without a heart?

  LAERTES

  Why do you ask this?

  Why ask you this?

  KING CLAUDIUS

  It’s not that I think you didn’t love your father, but I’ve seen how time changes the love you feel for someone. As the days go by, the fire of love weakens and dies out. We should act when we feel motivated and not wait. My point is Hamlet is coming back. What do you want to do to prove your love for your father.

  Not that I think you did not love your father;But that I know love is begun by time;And that I see, in passages of proof,Time qualifies the spark and fire of it.There lives within the very flame of loveA kind of wick or snuff that will abate it;And nothing is at a like goodness still;For goodness, growing to a plurisy,Dies in his own too much: that we would doWe should do when we would; for this 'would' changesAnd hath abatements and delays as manyAs there are tongues, are hands, are accidents;And then this 'should' is like a spendthrift sigh,That hurts by easing. But, to the quick o' the ulcer:--Hamlet comes back: what would you undertake,To show yourself your father's son in deedMore than in words?

  LAERTES

  I would cut his throat in the church.

  To cut his throat i' the church.

  KING CLAUDIUS

  No one should commit murder in a church. Although revenge has no bounds, I’d like for you to use some restraint. Stay in your room and when Hamlet comes back, we will let him know you are home. We will make much over your abilities the Frenchman mentioned. Then we will bet him he cannot beat you. You will have your chance to take his life and revenge your father.

  No place, indeed, should murder sanctuarize;Revenge should have no bounds. But, good Laertes,Will you do this, keep close within your chamber.Hamlet return'd shall know you are come home:We'll put on those shall praise your excellenceAnd set a double varnish on the fameThe Frenchman gave you, bring you in fine togetherAnd wager on your heads: he, being remiss,Most generous and free from all contriving,Will not peruse the foils; so that, with ease,Or with a little shuffling, you may chooseA sword unbated, and in a pass of practiseRequite him for your father.

  LAERTES

  I will do it. I will prepare my sword, and I’ll poison the tip so if it slightly touches him, he will surely die.

  I will do't:And, for that purpose, I'll anoint my sword.I bought an unction of a mountebank,So mortal that, but dip a knife in it,Where it draws blood no cataplasm so rare,Collected from all simples that have virtueUnder the moon, can save the thing from deathThat is but scratch'd withal: I'll touch my pointWith this contagion, that, if I gall him slightly,It may be death.

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Let’s think about this a little more. We need to think about the time and place. We mustn’t fail. If our first plan doesn’t work, we need another plan in place. Let me see. You must keep him jumping, so he gets hot and sweaty. Then, when he asks for something to drink, we will have a cup filled with poison prepared for him.

  Let's further think of this;Weigh what convenience both of time and meansMay fit us to our shape: if this should fail,And that our drift look through our bad performance,'Twere better not assay'd: therefore this projectShould have a back or second, that might hold,If this should blast in proof. Soft! let me see:We'll make a solemn wager on your cunnings: I ha't.When in your motion you are hot and dry--As make your bouts more violent to that end--And that he calls for drink, I'll have prepared himA chalice for the nonce, whereon but sipping,If he by chance escape your venom'd stuck,Our purpose may hold there.

  Enter QUEEN GERTRUDE

  What is it, sweet queen?

  How now, sweet queen!

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  Another tragedy has struck. Your sister has drowned, Laertes.

  One woe doth tread upon another's heel,So fast they follow; your sister's drown'd, Laertes.

  LAERTES

  Drowned! Where?

  Drown'd! O, where?

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  There is a willow tree growing by the brook with limbs stretching over the water. She was there with her flowers when she slipped into the brook. She looked like a mermaid in the water singing her hymns, unaware of the danger she was in. Finally, her drenched clothes, weighed her down.

  There is a willow grows aslant a brook,That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream;There with fantastic garlands did she comeOf crow-flowers, nettles, daisies, and long purplesThat liberal shepherds give a grosser name,But our cold maids do dead men's fingers call them:There, on the pendent boughs her coronet weedsClambering to hang, an envious sliver broke;When down her weedy trophies and herselfFell in the weeping brook. Her clothes spread wide;And, mermaid-like, awhile they bore her up:Which time she chanted snatches of old tunes;As one incapable of her own distress,Or like a creature native and induedUnto that element: but long it could not beTill that her garments, heavy with their drink,Pull'd the poor wretch from her melodious layTo muddy death.

  LAERTES

  So, she is dead?

  Alas, then, she is drown'd?

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  Drowned.

  Drown'd, drown'd.

  LAERTES

  Ophelia had enough water, so I will not cry anymore. Nature is too strong and makes me cry anyway. When I am finished, I will not act like a woman. Goodbye, my lord. I have more f
iery words to say, but my tears won’t let me.

  Too much of water hast thou, poor Ophelia,And therefore I forbid my tears: but yetIt is our trick; nature her custom holds,Let shame say what it will: when these are gone,The woman will be out. Adieu, my lord:I have a speech of fire, that fain would blaze,But that this folly douts it.

  Exit

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Let’s follow him, Gertrude. I have worked so hard to calm him down and I’m afraid this might start him up again. So, let’s follow him.

  Let's follow, Gertrude:How much I had to do to calm his rage!Now fear I this will give it start again;Therefore let's follow.

  Exeunt

  A churchyard

  Enter two Clowns, with spades, & c

  First Clown

  Are they going to give her a Christian burial to try and save her after she did the unforgivable.

  Is she to be buried in Christian burial thatwilfully seeks her own salvation?

  Second Clown

  I’m telling you they are; therefore, maker her grave straight. The coroner has said it was an accident.

  I tell thee she is: and therefore make her gravestraight: the crowner hath sat on her, and finds itChristian burial.

  First Clown

  How can that be? Did she drown herself in self-defense?

  How can that be, unless she drowned herself in herown defence?

  Second Clown

  I guess so.

  Why, 'tis found so.

  First Clown

  I think she knew what she was doing. She acted on her own wits.

  It must be 'se offendendo;' it cannot be else. Forhere lies the point: if I drown myself wittingly,it argues an act: and an act hath three branches: itis, to act, to do, to perform: argal, she drownedherself wittingly.

  Second Clown

  No, listen to me, gravedigger.

  Nay, but hear you, goodman delver,--

  First Clown

  Just let me finish. Here is the water, right? Here is the man. If the man goes into the water and drowns himself it is his will. If the water comes to him, then it is an accident. If you don’t mean to kill yourself, then you can receive salvation.

  Give me leave. Here lies the water; good: herestands the man; good; if the man go to this water,and drown himself, it is, will he, nill he, hegoes,--mark you that; but if the water come to himand drown him, he drowns not himself: argal, hethat is not guilty of his own death shortens not his own life.

  Second Clown

  Is that the law?

  But is this law?

  First Clown

  Yes, it is the law of the coroner.

  Ay, marry, is't; crowner's quest law.

  Second Clown

  I think if she hadn’t been wealthy, she would not have received a Christian burial.

  Will you ha' the truth on't? If this had not beena gentlewoman, she should have been buried out o'Christian burial.

  First Clown

  Isn’t that a shame. Great people are poor, like gardeners, ditch-diggers, and gravediggers. Yet, they have the same profession as Adam.

  Why, there thou say'st: and the more pity thatgreat folk should have countenance in this world todrown or hang themselves, more than their evenChristian. Come, my spade. There is no ancientgentleman but gardeners, ditchers, and grave-makers:they hold up Adam's profession.

  Second Clown

  Was he a great man.

  Was he a gentleman?

  First Clown

  He was the first man with arms.

  He was the first that ever bore arms.

  Second Clown

  Didn’t he have any?

  Why, he had none.

  First Clown

  Are you a heathen. Don’t you read the scripture? It says, “Adam dug.” He could not do this without arms. Let me ask you something.

  What, art a heathen? How dost thou understand theScripture? The Scripture says 'Adam digged:'could he dig without arms? I'll put anotherquestion to thee: if thou answerest me not to thepurpose, confess thyself--

  Second Clown

  Go ahead.

  Go to.

  First Clown

  Who can build stronger than a mason, a ship builder, or a carpenter?

  What is he that builds stronger than either themason, the shipwright, or the carpenter?

  Second Clown

  The man who builds gallows. His work outlives many who use it.

  The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives athousand tenants.

  First Clown

  That’s rather smart. You think the gallows are stronger than the church.

  I like thy wit well, in good faith: the gallowsdoes well; but how does it well? it does well tothose that do in: now thou dost ill to say thegallows is built stronger than the church: argal,the gallows may do well to thee. To't again, come.

  Second Clown

  Who builds stronger than a mason, a ship builder, or a carpenter.

  'Who builds stronger than a mason, a shipwright, ora carpenter?'

  First Clown

  Yes. Tell me what you think.

  Ay, tell me that, and unyoke.

  Second Clown

  I’ve got it.

  Marry, now I can tell.

  First Clown

  Go ahead.

  To't.

  Second Clown

  I swear. I can’t think.

  Mass, I cannot tell.

  Enter HAMLET and HORATIO, at a distance

  First Clown

  Don’t overthink it. You are dumb to get it. The gravedigger is the greatest builder, because what he builds lasts until the end of time. Now, go and get me some liquor.

  Cudgel thy brains no more about it, for your dullass will not mend his pace with beating; and, whenyou are asked this question next, say 'agrave-maker: 'the houses that he makes last tilldoomsday. Go, get thee to Yaughan: fetch me astoup of liquor.

  Exit Second Clown

  He digs and sings

  When I was younger, I did love, did love. I thought it was very sweet. To set the day and time for us to meet.

  In youth, when I did love, did love,Methought it was very sweet,To contract, O, the time, for, ah, my behove,O, methought, there was nothing meet.

  HAMLET

  Does this guy have no respect for the dead; he is singing while digging a grave.

  Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that hesings at grave-making?

  HORATIO

  He is just numb to his work after doing it for so long.

  Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness.

  HAMLET

  I agree. He has so much to do, he can’t afford to be sensitive.

  'Tis e'en so: the hand of little employment haththe daintier sense.

  First Clown

  [Sings]Old age has snuck up on me, and got me in his clutches. He slipped into the land, as if I never existed.

  But age, with his stealing steps,Hath claw'd me in his clutch,And hath shipped me intil the land,As if I had never been such.

  Throws up a skull

  HAMLET

  That skull once had a tongue in it and could sing. Now that fool tosses it to the ground as if it belonged to a murderer! It might have belonged to a silver-tongued politician, and now this guy is overthrowing him. Right?

  That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once:how the knave jowls it to the ground, as if it wereCain's jaw-bone, that did the first murder! Itmight be the pate of a politician, which this assnow o'er-reaches; one that would circumvent God,might it not?

  HORATIO

  It might have been.

  It might, my lord.

  HAMLET

  Or it could have been a courtier who said, “Good morning, sweet lord! How are you?” Couldn’t it?

  Or of a courtier; which could say 'Good morrow,sweet lord! How dost thou, good lord?' This mightbe my lord such-a-one, that praised my lordsuch-a-one's horse, when he meant to beg it; might it not?

  HORATIO

  Yes, my lord. />
  Ay, my lord.

  HAMLET

  Even if that’s true, it now belongs to Lady Worm. He has been knocked around with a shovel. It is worthless now. It makes me ache to think about it.

  Why, e'en so: and now my Lady Worm's; chapless, andknocked about the mazzard with a sexton's spade:here's fine revolution, an we had the trick tosee't. Did these bones cost no more the breeding,but to play at loggats with 'em? mine ache to think on't.

  First Clown

  [Sings]A pick-ax and a shovel for a dead man’s burial clothes with a bed of clay.

  A pick-axe, and a spade, a spade,For and a shrouding sheet:O, a pit of clay for to be madeFor such a guest is meet.

  Throws up another skull

  HAMLET

  There goes another one. Maybe that one is a lawyer. Where are his tricks and fees, now? Why does he let this guy treat him like this? Or, it could be a great land owner with his lumps of money and renter’s fees. Is this the fine for him, having his skull filled with dirt? The only thing he has to his name is his coffin.

  There's another: why may not that be the skull of alawyer? Where be his quiddities now, his quillets,his cases, his tenures, and his tricks? why does hesuffer this rude knave now to knock him about thesconce with a dirty shovel, and will not tell him ofhis action of battery? Hum! This fellow might bein's time a great buyer of land, with his statutes,his recognizances, his fines, his double vouchers,his recoveries: is this the fine of his fines, andthe recovery of his recoveries, to have his finepate full of fine dirt? will his vouchers vouch himno more of his purchases, and double ones too, thanthe length and breadth of a pair of indentures? Thevery conveyances of his lands will hardly lie inthis box; and must the inheritor himself have no more, ha?