The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  HORATIO

  Not much more, my lord.

  Not a jot more, my lord.

  HAMLET

  Isn’t paper made of sheepskins?

  Is not parchment made of sheepskins?

  HORATIO

  Yes, my lord, and calf-skins, too.

  Ay, my lord, and of calf-skins too.

  HAMLET

  Only sheep and calves have assurance of their purpose after death. I am going to speak to this guy. Whose grave is this, sir?

  They are sheep and calves which seek out assurancein that. I will speak to this fellow. Whosegrave's this, sirrah?

  First Clown

  Mine, sir.

  Mine, sir.

  Sings

  Oh, a pit of clay to be made for the dead to meet.

  O, a pit of clay for to be madeFor such a guest is meet.

  HAMLET

  You’ll think it’s yours when you’re lying in it.

  I think it be thine, indeed; for thou liest in't.

  First Clown

  You may lay in it, sir, but it would not be yours; however, I don’t lay in it and it is mine.

  You lie out on't, sir, and therefore it is notyours: for my part, I do not lie in't, and yet it is mine.

  HAMLET

  One must lay in it for it to be theirs. It is for the dead, not the living, you liar.

  'Thou dost lie in't, to be in't and say it is thine:'tis for the dead, not for the quick; therefore thou liest.

  First Clown

  It’s just a little lie, sir.

  'Tis a quick lie, sir; 'twill away gain, from me toyou.

  HAMLET

  What man do you dig it for?

  What man dost thou dig it for?

  First Clown

  It is not for a man.

  For no man, sir.

  HAMLET

  What women, then?

  What woman, then?

  First Clown

  None.

  For none, neither.

  HAMLET

  Who is to be buried in it?

  Who is to be buried in't?

  First Clown

  Well, she was a woman, but now she is dead.

  One that was a woman, sir; but, rest her soul, she's dead.

  HAMLET

  How simple-minded this fool is! We must be so specific or he doesn’t get it. I swear, Horatio, there is a fine line between the peasants and the educated. How long have you been a gravedigger?

  How absolute the knave is! we must speak by thecard, or equivocation will undo us. By the Lord,Horatio, these three years I have taken a note ofit; the age is grown so picked that the toe of thepeasant comes so near the heel of the courtier, hegaffs his kibe. How long hast thou been agrave-maker?

  First Clown

  I became a gravedigger the day the late King Hamlet defeated Fortinbras.

  Of all the days i' the year, I came to't that daythat our last king Hamlet overcame Fortinbras.

  HAMLET

  How long has that been?

  How long is that since?

  First Clown

  Don’t you know that? Every fool knows that day; the day young Hamlet, the one who went mad and was sent to England, was born.

  Cannot you tell that? every fool can tell that: itwas the very day that young Hamlet was born; he thatis mad, and sent into England.

  HAMLET

  Oh yes, and why was he sent to England?

  Ay, marry, why was he sent into England?

  First Clown

  I think it was because he was mad, and needed some time to regain his senses. If he doesn’t it does not matter.

  Why, because he was mad: he shall recover his witsthere; or, if he do not, it's no great matter there.

  HAMLET

  Why?

  Why?

  First Clown

  Because there, no one will notice.

  'Twill, a not be seen in him there; there the menare as mad as he.

  HAMLET

  Why did he go crazy?

  How came he mad?

  First Clown

  People say it was very strange?

  Very strangely, they say.

  HAMLET

  How so?

  How strangely?

  First Clown

  He lost his mind.

  Faith, e'en with losing his wits.

  HAMLET

  On what grounds?

  Upon what ground?

  First Clown

  Here in Denmark. I have lived here the past thirty years.

  Why, here in Denmark: I have been sexton here, manand boy, thirty years.

  HAMLET

  How long does it take a man to rot once he is buried?

  How long will a man lie i' the earth ere he rot?

  First Clown

  If he is not rotten before he dies, and we see that a lot these days, he will last eight or nine years. A leather-maker will last at least nine years.

  I' faith, if he be not rotten before he die--as wehave many pocky corses now-a-days, that will scarcehold the laying in--he will last you some eight yearor nine year: a tanner will last you nine year.

  HAMLET

  Why does he last longer?

  Why he more than another?

  First Clown

  Because his skin is so tough from his line of work, it keeps the water out. Water is what decays the body. This skull here has been in the earth twenty-three years.

  Why, sir, his hide is so tanned with his trade, thathe will keep out water a great while; and your wateris a sore decayer of your whoreson dead body.Here's a skull now; this skull has lain in the earththree and twenty years.

  HAMLET

  Whose was it?

  Whose was it?

  First Clown

  Some crazy guy. Who do you think it was?

  A whoreson mad fellow's it was: whose do you think it was?

  HAMLET

  I don’t know.

  Nay, I know not.

  First Clown

  This guy was a crazy pest! He poured a whole bottle of wine on my head once. This, sir, was Yorick, the kin’s jester.

  A pestilence on him for a mad rogue! a' poured aflagon of Rhenish on my head once. This same skull,sir, was Yorick's skull, the king's jester.

  HAMLET

  This?

  This?

  First Clown

  Yes, that.

  E'en that.

  HAMLET

  Let me see.

  Let me see.

  Takes the skull

  Oh, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio. He was a funny fellow. He rode me on his back a thousand times. This is terrible and makes me sick. Here is where his lips, I kissed, used to be. Where are your jokes, now? Your songs? Your humor that used to make everyone laugh? Now, go to my lady’s room and tell her she is going to end up like you someday. That’ll make her laugh. Tell me one thing, Horatio.

  Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellowof infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hathborne me on his back a thousand times; and now, howabhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims atit. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I knownot how oft. Where be your gibes now? yourgambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment,that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not onenow, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen?Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, lether paint an inch thick, to this favour she mustcome; make her laugh at that. Prithee, Horatio, tellme one thing.

  HORATIO

  What’s that, my lord?

  What's that, my lord?

  HAMLET

  Do you think Alexander the Great looked like this when he was buried?

  Dost thou think Alexander looked o' this fashion i'the earth?

  HORATIO

  Probably so.

  E'en so.

  HAMLET

  And smelled this bad? Whew!

  And smelt so? pah!

  Puts down the skull

  HORATIO

  Yes, my lord.

  E'en so, my lord.<
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  HAMLET

  It’s horrible what happens to us in the end, Horatio! Can you believe the noble dust of Alexander the Great could end up as a plug?

  To what base uses we may return, Horatio! Why maynot imagination trace the noble dust of Alexander,till he find it stopping a bung-hole?

  HORATIO

  It’s hard to imagine.

  'Twere to consider too curiously, to consider so.

  HAMLET

  No, not really. Follow me: First he died and was buried. Then he returns to the dust which is basically the earth. The earth creates loam and the loam is used to plug a beer barrel. Ceasar, died and was turned into clay. He might stop a hole to keep out the wind. Oh, to think the once great man now plugs up a wall. But, wait! Be quiet! Here comes the king.

  No, faith, not a jot; but to follow him thither withmodesty enough, and likelihood to lead it: asthus: Alexander died, Alexander was buried,Alexander returneth into dust; the dust is earth; ofearth we make loam; and why of that loam, whereto hewas converted, might they not stop a beer-barrel?Imperious Caesar, dead and turn'd to clay,Might stop a hole to keep the wind away:O, that that earth, which kept the world in awe,Should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw!But soft! but soft! aside: here comes the king.

  Enter Priest, & c. in procession; the Corpse of OPHELIA, LAERTES and Mourners following; KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, their trains, & c

  Who are the queen and her courtiers following? And with such somber ceremony. This means the corpse took its own life. Must be from a wealthy fellow. Let’s stay and watch a while.

  The queen, the courtiers: who is this they follow?And with such maimed rites? This doth betokenThe corse they follow did with desperate handFordo its own life: 'twas of some estate.Couch we awhile, and mark.

  Retiring with HORATIO

  LAERTES

  What ceremony are you going to preach?

  What ceremony else?

  HAMLET

  Look. That is Laertes, a very noble young man.

  That is Laertes,A very noble youth: mark.

  LAERTES

  What ceremony are you going to preach?

  What ceremony else?

  First Priest

  I’ve said as much as I can, since her death was suspicious. She should be buried outside the church graveyard, and have stones thrown onto her grave. Instead, she is here, buried in sacred ground, dressed like a virgin with flowers all around and the tolling of the bells.

  Her obsequies have been as far enlargedAs we have warrantise: her death was doubtful;And, but that great command o'ersways the order,She should in ground unsanctified have lodgedTill the last trumpet: for charitable prayers,Shards, flints and pebbles should be thrown on her;Yet here she is allow'd her virgin crants,Her maiden strewments and the bringing homeOf bell and burial.

  LAERTES

  Isn’t there anything else that can be done?

  Must there no more be done?

  First Priest

  No more can be done. It would be disrespectful to the other dead if we gave her any more rites.

  No more be done:We should profane the service of the deadTo sing a requiem and such rest to herAs to peace-parted souls.

  LAERTES

  Go ahead then, and lay her in the ground. May violets grow from her grave. I tell you priest, my sister will be an angel in heaven while you’re howling in hell.

  Lay her i' the earth:And from her fair and unpolluted fleshMay violets spring! I tell thee, churlish priest,A ministering angel shall my sister be,When thou liest howling.

  HAMLET

  What? The beautiful Ophelia!

  What, the fair Ophelia!

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  Flowers for the sweet. Goodbye!

  Sweets to the sweet: farewell!

  Scattering flowers

  I had hoped you would be my daughter-in-law. I rather be decorating your bridal bed than your grave, sweet girl.

  I hoped thou shouldst have been my Hamlet's wife;I thought thy bride-bed to have deck'd, sweet maid,And not have strew'd thy grave.

  LAERTES

  Oh, my troubles. May curses fall ten times on the head who cause this. Wait! Let me hold her once more!

  O, treble woeFall ten times treble on that cursed head,Whose wicked deed thy most ingenious senseDeprived thee of! Hold off the earth awhile,Till I have caught her once more in mine arms:

  Leaps into the grave

  Now throw the dirt on both of us until you have made a mountain.

  Now pile your dust upon the quick and dead,Till of this flat a mountain you have made,To o'ertop old Pelion, or the skyish headOf blue Olympus.

  HAMLET

  [Advancing]

  Who is the one whose grief is so loud and whose words are so sad the stars stand still. It is me, Hamlet the Dane.

  What is he whose griefBears such an emphasis? whose phrase of sorrowConjures the wandering stars, and makes them standLike wonder-wounded hearers? This is I,Hamlet the Dane.

  Leaps into the grave

  LAERTES

  May the devil take your soul!

  The devil take thy soul!

  Grappling with him

  HAMLET

  You don’t know how to pray. Take your fingers from my throat. Be smart, and do not make me angry. Take your hands off of me.

  Thou pray'st not well.I prithee, take thy fingers from my throat;For, though I am not splenitive and rash,Yet have I something in me dangerous,Which let thy wiseness fear: hold off thy hand.

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Pull them out.

  Pluck them asunder.

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  Hamlet, Hamlet!

  Hamlet, Hamlet!

  All

  Gentlemen…

  Gentlemen,--

  HORATIO

  Good my lord, be quiet.

  Good my lord, be quiet.

  The Attendants part them, and they come out of the grave

  HAMLET

  I will fight him over this until my eyes are permanently closed.

  Why I will fight with him upon this themeUntil my eyelids will no longer wag.

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  Oh my son, what are fighting for?

  O my son, what theme?

  HAMLET

  I loved Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers could not have loved her more. What are you going to do for her?

  I loved Ophelia: forty thousand brothersCould not, with all their quantity of love,Make up my sum. What wilt thou do for her?

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Oh, he is crazy, Laertes.

  O, he is mad, Laertes.

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  For the love of God don’t listen to him.

  For love of God, forbear him.

  HAMLET

  Show me what you are going to do. Will you cry? Will you fight? Will you fast? Will you tear at your skin? Will you drink bile? Eat a crocodile? I’ll do all of that. Did you come here to cry and whine? To outdo me by jumping in her grave. To be buried with her? So, will I. You want them to over us with dirt. Let them make mountains over us. See, I can talk as well as you.

  'Swounds, show me what thou'lt do:Woo't weep? woo't fight? woo't fast? woo't tear thyself?Woo't drink up eisel? eat a crocodile?I'll do't. Dost thou come here to whine?To outface me with leaping in her grave?Be buried quick with her, and so will I:And, if thou prate of mountains, let them throwMillions of acres on us, till our ground,Singeing his pate against the burning zone,Make Ossa like a wart! Nay, an thou'lt mouth,I'll rant as well as thou.

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  This is crazy. He will be like this for a while. It will pass and he will be as peaceful as a dove.

  This is mere madness:And thus awhile the fit will work on him;Anon, as patient as the female dove,When that her golden couplets are disclosed,His silence will sit drooping.

  HAMLET

  Listen to me, sir. Why are you acting towards me like this? I’ve always loved you. But, it doesn’t matter. Even Hercules can’t make change the way a cat or do
g acts.

  Hear you, sir;What is the reason that you use me thus?I loved you ever: but it is no matter;Let Hercules himself do what he may,The cat will mew and dog will have his day.

  Exit

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Please, Horatio, get him out of here.

  I pray you, good Horatio, wait upon him.

  Exit HORATIO

  To LAERTES

  Remember what we talked about last night and be patient. We’ll put this matter to rest soon. Gertrude, get someone to watch over your son. We will build a monument to put on this grave. Now, we have the quiet we need, so please proceed.

  Strengthen your patience in our last night's speech;We'll put the matter to the present push.Good Gertrude, set some watch over your son.This grave shall have a living monument:An hour of quiet shortly shall we see;Till then, in patience our proceeding be.

  Exeunt

  A hall in the castle

  Enter HAMLET and HORATIO

  HAMLET

  That’s enough about that, sir. Let me tell you about what happened. You remember what was going on you.

  So much for this, sir: now shall you see the other;You do remember all the circumstance?

  HORATIO

  Remember, my lord?

  Remember it, my lord?

  HAMLET

  Sir, I was in constant turmoil, and I couldn’t sleep. It was worse than being a prisoner. I acted crazily and hastily, but my plans were stalled. God’s will always prevails, no matter how far we stray.