The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 555
Why, my boy?
Why, my boy?
Fool
If I gave them all my living, I'ld keep my coxcombs
myself. There's mine; beg another of thy daughters.
If I gave them my whole fortune, I would keep my fool's
hats for myself. Here is mine; ask your daughters for another one.
KING LEAR
Take heed, sirrah; the whip.
Be careful, sir; remember the whip.
Fool
Truth's a dog must to kennel; he must be whipped
out, when Lady the brach may stand by the fire and stink.
Truth's a dog who must be contained; he must be
whipped, when the bitch can stand by the fire and stink.
KING LEAR
A pestilent gall to me!
You annoy me!
Fool
Sirrah, I'll teach thee a speech.
Sir, I'll teach you a speech.
KING LEAR
Do.
Do so.
Fool
Mark it, nuncle:
Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest,
Learn more than thou trowest,
Set less than thou throwest;
Leave thy drink and thy whore,
And keep in-a-door,
And thou shalt have more
Than two tens to a score.
Make a note of it, nuncle:
have more than you show,
speak less than you know,
lend less than you owe,
ride more than you walk,
learn more than you guess,
don't gamble everything,
leave your drink and your whore,
keep indoors,
and you shall have more
than twenty shillings in your pound.
KENT
This is nothing, fool.
This means nothing, fool.
Fool
Then 'tis like the breath of an unfee'd lawyer; you
gave me nothing for't. Can you make no use of
nothing, nuncle?
Then it's like the breath of an unpaid lawyer; you
didn't give me anything for it. Have you no use for
nothing, nuncle?
KING LEAR
Why, no, boy; nothing can be made out of nothing.
Why, no, boy; you can't make anything from nothing.
Fool
[To KENT] Prithee, tell him, so much the rent of
his land comes to: he will not believe a fool.
Please, tell him, that's what the rent for
his land is worth: he won't believe a fool.
KING LEAR
A bitter fool!
You're a sarcastic fool!
Fool
Dost thou know the difference, my boy, between a
bitter fool and a sweet fool?
Do you know the difference, my boy, between
a bitter fool and a sweet fool?
KING LEAR
No, lad; teach me.
No, lad; teach me.
Fool
That lord that counsell'd thee
To give away thy land,
Come place him here by me,
Do thou for him stand:
The sweet and bitter fool
Will presently appear;
The one in motley here,
The other found out there.
The lord who advised you
to give away your land,
come and put him next to me,
you stand in for him:
in a moment you will see
the sweet and the bitter fool;
I am here in uniform,
and there's the other one.
KING LEAR
Dost thou call me fool, boy?
Are you calling me a fool, boy?
Fool
All thy other titles thou hast given away; that
thou wast born with.
You've given away all your other titles; that one
you were born with.
KENT
This is not altogether fool, my lord.
This is not a complete fool, my lord.
Fool
No, faith, lords and great men will not let me; if
I had a monopoly out, they would have part on't:
and ladies too, they will not let me have all fool
to myself; they'll be snatching. Give me an egg,
nuncle, and I'll give thee two crowns.
No, by God, lords and great men will not let me have it all;
if I had a monopoly on foolishness, they would insist on a share:
and the ladies too, they will not let me have all the foolishness
for myself; they would snatch some. Give me an egg,
nuncle, and I'll give you two crowns.
KING LEAR
What two crowns shall they be?
And what two crowns are those?
Fool
Why, after I have cut the egg i' the middle, and eat
up the meat, the two crowns of the egg. When thou
clovest thy crown i' the middle, and gavest away
both parts, thou borest thy ass on thy back o'er
the dirt: thou hadst little wit in thy bald crown,
when thou gavest thy golden one away. If I speak
like myself in this, let him be whipped that first
finds it so.
Singing
Fools had ne'er less wit in a year;
For wise men are grown foppish,
They know not how their wits to wear,
Their manners are so apish.
Why, after I have cut the egg in half, and eaten
the contents, you shall have the crowns of the shell.
When you cut your crown in half, and gave away
both halves, you carried your ass on your back
over the dirt: there wasn't much sense in your bald crown
when you gave your golden one away. If I
am speaking like a fool, let the first one who sees
it's true be whipped.
Fools were never so little needed as now
when wise men have grown so foolish,
they don't know how to use their wits,
they're more like apes than anything.
KING LEAR
When were you wont to be so full of songs, sirrah?
Since when were you so full of songs, sir?
Fool
I have used it, nuncle, ever since thou madest thy
daughters thy mothers: for when thou gavest them
the rod, and put'st down thine own breeches,
Singing
Then they for sudden joy did weep,
And I for sorrow sung,
That such a king should play bo-peep,
And go the fools among.
Prithee, nuncle, keep a schoolmaster that can teach
thy fool to lie: I would fain learn to lie.
Ever since, nuncle, you made your
daughters your mothers: you gave them
the cane, and pulled down your pants,
Then they suddenly wept for joy,
and I sang out of sadness,
to see such a great king playing hide and seek
amongst the fools.
Please, uncle, employ a schoolmaster that can teach
your fool to lie: I would like to learn to lie.
KING LEAR
An you lie, sirrah, we'll have you whipped.
If you lie, sir, we'll have you whipped.
Fool
I marvel what kin thou and thy daughters are:
they'll have me whipped for speaking true, thou'lt
have me whipped for lying; and sometimes I am
whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any
kind o' thing than a fool: and yet I would not be
thee, nuncle; thou hast pared
thy wit o' both sides,
and left nothing i' the middle: here comes one o'
the parings.
Enter GONERIL
It's amazing that you and your daughters are related:
they want to whip me for telling the truth, you
for lying; and sometimes I am
whipped for keeping quiet. I'd rather be
anything but a fool: and yet I would not want to be
you, nuncle; you have shaved your sense on both sides
and left nothing in the middle: here comes one of
the shavings.
KING LEAR
How now, daughter! what makes that frontlet on?
Methinks you are too much of late i' the frown.
Hello there, daughter! What's that round your forehead?
I think you frown too much these days.
Fool
Thou wast a pretty fellow when thou hadst no need to
care for her frowning; now thou art an O without a
figure: I am better than thou art now; I am a fool,
thou art nothing.
To GONERIL
Yes, forsooth, I will hold my tongue; so your face
bids me, though you say nothing. Mum, mum,
He that keeps nor crust nor crum,
Weary of all, shall want some.
Pointing to KING LEAR
That's a shealed peascod.
You were a good chap when you had no need
to care about her frowning; now you are nothing:
I have more than you now; I am a fool,
you are nothing.
Yes, all right, I will hold my tongue, that's what
your face his ordering, although you say nothing.
Yum yum, the one who doesn't have crust or crumb,
when he's tired of everything will want some.
This one's an empty shell.
GONERIL
Not only, sir, this your all-licensed fool,
But other of your insolent retinue
Do hourly carp and quarrel; breaking forth
In rank and not-to-be endured riots. Sir,
I had thought, by making this well known unto you,
To have found a safe redress; but now grow fearful,
By what yourself too late have spoke and done.
That you protect this course, and put it on
By your allowance; which if you should, the fault
Would not 'scape censure, nor the redresses sleep,
Which, in the tender of a wholesome weal,
Might in their working do you that offence,
Which else were shame, that then necessity
Will call discreet proceeding.
Not only, sir, your too much indulged fool,
but others from your insolent entourage
are always moaning and quarrelling; they break out
in unpleasant and intolerable riots. Sir,
I thought that by informing you about this
it was guaranteed something would be done; but now I wonder
considering what you also have said and done recently.
I hear that you defend this practice, and in fact
encourage it; if this is true this mistake
will not go unpunished or unpaid for;
it might be thought that I would be
remiss in my duties as a daughter if I did this,
if it wasn't for the fact that everybody would recognise
that it had to be done.
Fool
For, you trow, nuncle,
The hedge-sparrow fed the cuckoo so long,
That it's had it head bit off by it young.
So, out went the candle, and we were left darkling.
Because, you know, nuncle,
the hedge sparrow fed the cuckoo for so long,
that its head was bitten off by its young.
So, out went the candle, and we were left in the dark.
KING LEAR
Are you our daughter?
Are you my daughter?
GONERIL
Come, sir,
I would you would make use of that good wisdom,
Whereof I know you are fraught; and put away
These dispositions, that of late transform you
From what you rightly are.
Come now, sir,
I'd like you to use some of that good wisdom
which I know you have plenty of; get rid of
these states of mind, that have recently changed you
from who you really are.
Fool
May not an ass know when the cart
draws the horse? Whoop, Jug! I love thee.
Even a fool can see when things
are out of order. Hey there, jug! I love you.
KING LEAR
Doth any here know me? This is not Lear:
Doth Lear walk thus? speak thus? Where are his eyes?
Either his notion weakens, his discernings
Are lethargied--Ha! waking? 'tis not so.
Who is it that can tell me who I am?
Does anyone here know me? This can't be Lear:
does Lear walk like this? Speak like this? Where are his eyes?
Either his mind is weakened or his perception
has darkened–ha! Am I awake? I can't be.
Who can tell me who I am?
Fool
Lear's shadow.
You are Lear's shadow.
KING LEAR
I would learn that; for, by the
marks of sovereignty, knowledge, and reason,
I should be false persuaded I had daughters.
I want to know; because by the signs
of sovereignty, knowledge, and wisdom,
it doesn't look like I have any daughters.
Fool
Which they will make an obedient father.
And they will make their father obedient.
KING LEAR
Your name, fair gentlewoman?
What is your name, fair gentlewoman?
GONERIL
This admiration, sir, is much o' the savour
Of other your new pranks. I do beseech you
To understand my purposes aright:
As you are old and reverend, you should be wise.
Here do you keep a hundred knights and squires;
Men so disorder'd, so debosh'd and bold,
That this our court, infected with their manners,
Shows like a riotous inn: epicurism and lust
Make it more like a tavern or a brothel
Than a graced palace. The shame itself doth speak
For instant remedy: be then desired
By her, that else will take the thing she begs,
A little to disquantity your train;
And the remainder, that shall still depend,
To be such men as may besort your age,
And know themselves and you.
This pretence of wonder, sir, is much the same as
your other new jokes. I must ask you
to understand what I mean:
as you are old and distinguished, you should be wise.
You keep a hundred knights and squires here;
they are men who are so disorderly, debauched and arrogant,
that our court, infected by their manners,
looks like a rowdy inn: greed and lust
make it more like a pub or brothel
than a gracious palace. This shame demands
instant repair: so do as I ask,
or otherwise I will do it for you;
cut back on your retinue,
and the ones that you keep on
should be men suited to one of your age,
who have an idea of how to behave.
KING LEAR
Darkness and devils!
Saddle my horses; call my train together:
Degenerate bastard! I'll not trouble thee.
Yet have I left a daughter.
Darkne
ss and devils!
Saddle my horses; gather my entourage:
degenerate bastard! I won't bother you.
I still have a daughter left.
GONERIL
You strike my people; and your disorder'd rabble
Make servants of their betters.
Enter ALBANY
You hit my people, and your disorderly rabble
treat their betters like servants.
KING LEAR
Woe, that too late repents,--
To ALBANY
O, sir, are you come?
Is it your will? Speak, sir. Prepare my horses.
Ingratitude, thou marble-hearted fiend,
More hideous when thou show'st thee in a child
Than the sea-monster!
You will be sorry, too late–
Oh, you've come have you sir?
Is this what you want? Speak, sir. Get my horses ready.
Ingratitude, you hardhearted devil,
you are more revolting when you appear in a child
than in a sea monster!
ALBANY
Pray, sir, be patient.
Please be patient, sir.
KING LEAR
[To GONERIL] Detested kite! thou liest.
My train are men of choice and rarest parts,
That all particulars of duty know,
And in the most exact regard support
The worships of their name. O most small fault,
How ugly didst thou in Cordelia show!
That, like an engine, wrench'd my frame of nature
From the fix'd place; drew from heart all love,
And added to the gall. O Lear, Lear, Lear!
Beat at this gate, that let thy folly in,