The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Romeo

  It is true. I haven’t been to bed.

  That last is true; the sweeter rest was mine.

  Friar Laurence

  I pray you have not been with Rosaline.

  God pardon sin! wast thou with Rosaline?

  Romeo

  No, I have not been with Rosaline. I am over her!

  With Rosaline, my ghostly father? no; I have forgot that name, and that name's woe.

  Friar Laurence

  That’s good, my son, but where were you then?

  That's my good son: but where hast thou been then?

  Romeo

  I’ll tell you. I have been at the Capulet party. I have fallen in love and someone has fallen in love with me. And, you are just the person to help us out. I no longer carry any hatred, father, for the love of my life was once my enemy.

  I'll tell thee ere thou ask it me again. I have been feasting with mine enemy; Where, on a sudden, one hath wounded me That's by me wounded. Both our remedies Within thy help and holy physic lies; I bear no hatred, blessed man; for, lo, My intercession likewise steads my foe.

  Friar Laurence

  I don’t understand. Who are you talking about?

  Be plain, good son, and homely in thy drift; Riddling confession finds but riddling shrift.

  Romeo

  I am talking about the fair daughter of rich Capulet. We are in love and want to get married. That is how you can help us. Perform the ceremony.

  Then plainly know my heart's dear love is set On the fair daughter of rich Capulet: As mine on hers, so hers is set on mine; And all combin'd, save what thou must combine By holy marriage: when, and where, and how We met, we woo'd, and made exchange of vow, I'll tell thee as we pass; but this I pray, That thou consent to marry us to-day.

  Friar Laurence

  Holy Saint Francis! What a turnaround. Have you forgotten how much in love you were with Rosaline, and how you cried when she didn’t return your feelings? I certainly have not. I’m afraid you are not being rational in saying you have changed. How can you expect a woman to fall in love with you when you are so wishy-washy?

  Holy Saint Francis! what a change is here! Is Rosaline, that thou didst love so dear, So soon forsaken? young men's love, then, lies Not truly in their hearts, but in their eyes. Jesu Maria, what a deal of brine Hath wash'd thy sallow cheeks for Rosaline! How much salt water thrown away in waste, To season love, that of it doth not taste! The sun not yet thy sighs from heaven clears, Thy old groans ring yet in mine ancient ears; Lo, here upon thy cheek the stain doth sit Of an old tear that is not wash'd off yet: If e'er thou wast thyself, and these woes thine, Thou and these woes were all for Rosaline; And art thou chang'd? Pronounce this sentence then,-- Women may fall, when there's no strength in men.

  Romeo

  You have often rebuked me for loving Rosaline.

  Thou chidd'st me oft for loving Rosaline.

  Friar Laurence

  Not for loving her, my student, but being crazy about her.

  For doting, not for loving, pupil mine.

  Romeo

  You told me to bury my love for her.

  And bad'st me bury love.

  Friar Laurence

  I did not mean for you to bury your love for her and replace it with another.

  Not in a grave To lay one in, another out to have.

  Romeo

  Don’t start scolding me for who I love now. This girl feels the same for me as I do for her. Rosaline didn’t.

  I pray thee chide not: she whom I love now Doth grace for grace and love for love allow; The other did not so.

  Friar Laurence

  Oh, Rosaline knew how you felt about her, and she knew you didn’t know anything about love. However, I think I can be of assistance. Come with me. Perhaps, this marriage will bring an end to the feuds held by your families.

  O, she knew well Thy love did read by rote, that could not spell. But come, young waverer, come go with me, In one respect I'll thy assistant be; For this alliance may so happy prove, To turn your households' rancour to pure love.

  Romeo

  Good, let’s go. I am in a hurry.

  O, let us hence; I stand on sudden haste.

  Friar Laurence

  But, let’s go slowly and wisely, for those who rush into such ceremonies stumble and fall.

  Wisely, and slow; they stumble that run fast.

  (They exit.)

  Scene IV: A street.

  (Enter Benvolio and Mercutio.)

  Mercutio

  Where in the devil is Romeo? Did he not come home last night?

  Where the devil should this Romeo be?-- Came he not home to-night?

  Benvolio

  I spoke with his servant this morning, and he did not go to his father’s house.

  Not to his father's; I spoke with his man.

  Mercutio

  Rosaline is a hard-hearted wench. I’m afraid she is going to drive him mad.

  Ah, that same pale hard-hearted wench, that Rosaline, Torments him so that he will sure run mad.

  Benvolio

  Tybalt, old Capulet’s nephew, sent a letter to Romeo’s father’s house.

  Tybalt, the kinsman to old Capulet, Hath sent a letter to his father's house.

  Mercutio

  A challenge for his life, I suppose.

  A challenge, on my life.

  Benvolio

  Yes, and Romeo will accept the challenge.

  Romeo will answer it.

  Mercutio

  Anyone who can write may answer a letter.

  Any man that can write may answer a letter.

  Benvolio

  Romeo won’t shy away from Tybalt. He will be enraged at being dared.

  Nay, he will answer the letter's master, how he dares, being dared.

  Mercutio

  Oh well. Poor Romeo is as good as dead, stabbed by the white wench’s black eye, shot through the ear with a love song, and pierced through the heart by Cupid’s bow. He is no match for Tybalt.

  Alas, poor Romeo, he is already dead! stabbed with a white wench's black eye; shot through the ear with a love song; the very pin of his heart cleft with the blind bow-boy's butt-shaft: and is he a man to encounter Tybalt?

  Benvolio

  Why not? What’s so great about Tybalt?

  Why, what is Tybalt?

  Mercutio

  He is certainly charming, but he is also brutal. In three strikes, his opponents are dead. He is a well-studied fencist. He knows passado, the forward thrust, punto reverso, the backhand thrust, and hay, the thrust to the heart.

  More than prince of cats, I can tell you. O, he's the courageous captain of compliments. He fights as you sing prick-song--keeps time, distance, and proportion; rests me his minim rest, one, two, and the third in your bosom: the very butcher of a silk button, a duellist, a duellist; a gentleman of the very first house,--of the first and second cause: ah, the immortal passado! the punto reverso! the hay.--

  Benvolio

  He knows what?

  The what?

  Mercutio

  I hate people like Tybalt with their fancy way of talking, “What a good sword, what a very tall man, what a good whore!” Why should we have to put up with men like him who dress in high fashion and say, “Pardon me?” They cannot even sit down without groaning about an ache in their bones.

  The pox of such antic, lisping, affecting fantasticoes; these new tuners of accents!--'By Jesu, a very good blade!--a very tall man!--a very good whore!'--Why, is not this a lamentable thing, grandsire, that we should be thus afflicted with these strange flies, these fashion-mongers, these pardonnez-moi's, who stand so much on the new form that they cannot sit at ease on the old bench? O, their bons, their bons!

  Benvolio

  Here comes Romeo! Here comes Romeo!

  Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo!

  Mercutio

  He looks dried up like a fish. He looks ready to drop! Oh, what women can do to men. Like Laura, the kitc
hen slave, the shabbily-dressed Dido, Cleopatra, the gypsy, the sluts, Helen and Hero, or Thisbe with her gray eyes.

  Without his roe, like a dried herring.--O flesh, flesh, how art thou fishified!--Now is he for the numbers that Petrarch flowed in: Laura, to his lady, was but a kitchen wench,--marry, she had a better love to be-rhyme her; Dido, a dowdy; Cleopatra, a gypsy; Helen and Hero, hildings and harlots; Thisbe, a gray eye or so, but not to the purpose,--

  (Enter Romeo.)

  Bon jour, Signor Romeo. There is a French salutation to match your sloppy French look. You certainly gave us the slip last night.

  Signior Romeo, bon jour! there's a French salutation to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit fairly last night.

  Romeo

  Good morning to both of you. How did I give you the slip?

  Good morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?

  Mercutio

  The slip, sir. You don’t understand the meaning of the word?

  The slip, sir, the slip; can you not conceive?

  Romeo

  I beg your pardon, Mercutio. I had important business to take care of so please forgive my bad manners.

  Pardon, good Mercutio, my business was great; and in such a case as mine a man may strain courtesy.

  Mercutio

  (Referring to sex.) Was it so important that you had to “stretch your legs?”

  That's as much as to say, such a case as yours constrains a man to bow in the hams.

  Romeo

  You mean did I have to “curtsy?”

  Meaning, to court'sy.

  Mercutio

  Exactly.

  Thou hast most kindly hit it.

  Romeo

  Well, that’s one way to say it politely.

  A most courteous exposition.

  Mercutio

  I am nothing but polite, fresh like a virgin’s untouched body.

  Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.

  Romeo

  Oh, you are a gentleman as fresh as a woman’s blooming parts.

  Pink for flower.

  Mercutio

  Right.

  Right.

  Romeo

  Well then, my shoe is decorated with flowers.

  Why, then is my pump well-flowered.

  Mercutio

  Well said. This joke is worn out like the sole of your shoe.

  Well said: follow me this jest now till thou hast worn out thy pump;that, when the single sole of it is worn, the jest may remain, after the wearing, sole singular.

  Romeo

  You’re right. I’m just playing around.

  O single-soled jest, solely singular for the singleness!

  Mercutio

  Come on Benvolio. Join us and break up this battle of the wits.

  Come between us, good Benvolio; my wits faint.

  Romeo

  If you give up, I’ll declare myself the winner, the smartest of us all.

  Swits and spurs, swits and spurs; or I'll cry a match.

  Mercutio

  You are on a wild-goose chase, if you are trying to challenge me.

  Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have done; for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five: was I with you there for the goose?

  Romeo

  You are the goose I’m trying to chase.

  Thou wast never with me for anything when thou wast not there for the goose.

  Mercutio

  I will bite you for saying that.

  I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.

  Romeo

  No, good goose, don’t bite me.

  Nay, good goose, bite not.

  Mercutio

  You think you are so smart!

  Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most sharp sauce.

  Romeo

  Well, that is good for you, since you are a goose.

  And is it not, then, well served in to a sweet goose?

  Mercutio

  Ha-ha-ha! Your jokes are spreading a little thin.

  O, here's a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an inch narrow to an ell broad!

  Romeo

  I have to spread them thinly, word for word, for those who aren’t as smart as me.

  I stretch it out for that word broad: which added to the goose, proves thee far and wide a broad goose.

  Mercutio

  I prefer this joking over your previous groaning for love. Aren’t you more sociable now? You are more like your old self. Love made you a babbling idiot.

  Why, is not this better now than groaning for love? now art thou sociable, now art thou Romeo; not art thou what thou art, by art as well as by nature: for this drivelling love is like a great natural, that runs lolling up and down to hide his bauble in a hole.

  Benvolio

  Stop there. Stop there.

  Stop there, stop there.

  Mercutio

  You want me to stop telling my story. I have only just begun.

  Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair.

  Benvolio

  That’s what I’m afraid of, a long story.

  Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large.

  Mercutio

  You’re wrong, this time. I would have made it short.

  O, thou art deceived; I would have made it short: for I was come to the whole depth of my tale; and meant indeed to occupy the argument no longer.

  Romeo

  Here comes something good.

  Here's goodly gear!

  (Enter Nurse and Peter.)

  Mercutio

  It looks like a ship’s sail is coming.

  A sail, a sail, a sail!

  Benvolio

  No, it looks like a man and a woman.

  Two, two; a shirt and a smock.

  Nurse

  Peter!

  Peter!

  Peter

  Here I am.

  Anon.

  Nurse

  Give me my fan.

  My fan, Peter.

  Mercutio

  Please, Peter, give her the fan to hide her face, because the fan is much better looking.

  Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan's the fairer face.

  Nurse

  Good morning, gentleman.

  God ye good morrow, gentlemen.

  Mercutio

  Good afternoon, gentlewoman.

  God ye good-den, fair gentlewoman.

  Nurse

  Is it afternoon already?

  Is it good-den?

  Mercutio

  Yes, it is. The great hand of the clock is now upon his prick at twelve.

  'Tis no less, I tell ye; for the bawdy hand of the dial is now upon the prick of noon.

  Nurse

  You are a disgusting man. Get out of here.

  Out upon you! what a man are you!

  Romeo

  My dear woman, made by God, only He can destroy you.

  One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for himself to mar.

  Nurse

  At least you are honest. Can anyone tell me where is young Romeo?

  By my troth, it is well said;--for himself to mar, quoth 'a?--Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I may find the young Romeo?

  Romeo

  I can tell you, but young Romeo will be older when you find him than he was when you started looking him. I am the youngest person who goes by that name.

  I can tell you: but young Romeo will be older when you have found him than he was when you sought him: I am the youngest of that name, for fault of a worse.

  Nurse

  Don’t you speak well?

  You say well.

  Mercutio

  And he is wise.

  Yea, is the worst well? very well took, i' faith; wisely, wisely.

  Nurse

  If you are the Romeo I’m looking for, I need to speak with you in private.

  If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with you.

 
Benvolio

  She will probably “indite” him to supper.

  She will indite him to some supper.

  Mercutio

  Perhaps Romeo is her pimp. I have found him out.

  A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! So ho!

  Romeo

  What have you found out?

  What hast thou found?

  Mercutio

  She can’t be a prostitute. She’s too ugly.

  No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie, that is something stale and hoar ere it be spent.

  (Sings.)

  Hairy Rabbit, hairy rabbit,

  Is good meat to eat during Lent.

  But if it gets too old,

  Your money is already spent.

  An old hare hoar,

  And an old hare hoar,

  Is very good meat in Lent;

  But a hare that is hoar

  Is too much for a score

  When it hoars ere it be spent.

  Hey Romeo, are you going to your father’s house for lunch?

  Romeo, will you come to your father's? we'll to dinner thither.

  Romeo

  Yes, you go ahead. I’ll be right behind you.

  I will follow you.

  Mercutio

  Farewell, old lady. Farewell.

  Farewell, ancient lady; farewell,--

  (Singing.)

  Lady, lady, lady.

  lady, lady, lady

  (Exit Mercutio and Benvolio.)

  Nurse

  Good Lord! Who was that crazy fellow, so full of himself?

  Marry, farewell!--I pray you, sir, what saucy merchant was this that was so full of his ropery?

  Romeo

  He is a gentleman, Nurse. He just loves to hear himself talk and boy, can he talk!

  A gentleman, nurse, that loves to hear himself talk; and will speak more in a minute than he will stand to in a month.

  Nurse

  If he says anything against me, I’ll kick his butt. And, if I can’t do it, I’ll find someone who can. I am not one of his buddies or slutty girlfriends. And you, Peter, you just stood by and let him talk to me that way.

  An 'a speak anything against me, I'll take him down, an'a were lustier than he is, and twenty such Jacks; and if I cannot, I'll find those that shall. Scurvy knave! I am none of his flirt-gills; I am none of his skains-mates.--And thou must stand by too, and suffer every knave to use me at his pleasure!