The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Peter

  I didn’t see any harm in him. If I had, I would surely have come to your defense. I promise you, I am as quick as any man to defend a lady.

  I saw no man use you at his pleasure; if I had, my weapon should quickly have been out, I warrant you: I dare draw as soon as another man, if I see occasion in a good quarrel, and the law on my side.

  Nurse

  I swear! I am so angry that I am shaking all over. Romeo, I still need to have a word with you. My young lady asked me to find you and what she said I will keep to myself if you tend to hurt her in any way. Remember she is young and naïve when it comes to love.

  Now, afore God, I am so vexed that every part about me quivers. Scurvy knave!--Pray you, sir, a word: and, as I told you, my young lady bid me enquire you out; what she bade me say I will keep to myself: but first let me tell ye, if ye should lead her into a fool's paradise, as they say, it were a very gross kind of behaviour, as they say: for the gentlewoman is young; and, therefore, if you should deal double with her, truly it were an ill thing to be offered to any gentlewoman, and very weak dealing.

  Romeo

  Nurse, I promise you I…

  Nurse, commend me to thy lady and mistress. I protest unto thee,--

  Nurse

  I think you have a good heart, sir, and I will tell her. Lord, she will be a happy girl.

  Good heart, and i' faith I will tell her as much: Lord, Lord, she will be a joyful woman.

  Romeo

  What are you going to tell her? You won’t let me finish what I have to say.

  What wilt thou tell her, nurse? thou dost not mark me.

  Nurse

  I’ll tell her that you propose marriage to her, the gentlemanly thing to do.

  I will tell her, sir,--that you do protest: which, as I take it, is a gentlemanlike offer.

  Romeo

  Tell her to find some way to come to the abbey this afternoon. By Friar Lawrence, we will confess our sins and be married. (Giving her money.) Please take this for your trouble.

  Bid her devise some means to come to shrift This afternoon; And there she shall at Friar Lawrence' cell Be shriv'd and married. Here is for thy pains.

  Nurse

  I can’t take your money.

  No, truly, sir; not a penny.

  Romeo

  But, I insist.

  Go to; I say you shall.

  Nurse

  (Taking the money.) You said this afternoon, right? She will be there.

  This afternoon, sir? well, she shall be there.

  Romeo

  Wait, good Nurse. I’ll send someone within an hour to meet you behind the abbey wall. He will bring a rope so I may meet Juliet secretly. Goodbye now and I will pay you for your help. Don’t forget to talk me up to Juliet.

  And stay, good nurse, behind the abbey-wall: Within this hour my man shall be with thee, And bring thee cords made like a tackled stair; Which to the high top-gallant of my joy Must be my convoy in the secret night. Farewell; be trusty, and I'll quit thy pains: Farewell; commend me to thy mistress.

  Nurse

  God bless you. And, one more thing…

  Now God in heaven bless thee!--Hark you, sir.

  Romeo

  What did you say?

  What say'st thou, my dear nurse?

  Nurse

  Are you sure you can trust the man you are sending? You know what they say about keeping secrets.

  Is your man secret? Did you ne'er hear say, Two may keep counsel, putting one away?

  Romeo

  I promise you. I trust him.

  I warrant thee, my man's as true as steel.

  Nurse

  My mistress is the sweetest lady. When she was just little thing--There is a man in town who also wants her by the name of Paris. I told her he would make a better husband than you, but she would rather marry a toad as to marry him. Doesn’t rosemary and Romeo start with the same letter?

  Well, sir; my mistress is the sweetest lady.--Lord, Lord! when 'twas a little prating thing,--O, there's a nobleman in town, one Paris, that would fain lay knife aboard; but she, good soul, had as lief see a toad, a very toad, as see him. I anger her sometimes, and tell her that Paris is the properer man; but I'll warrant you, when I say so, she looks as pale as any clout in the versal world. Doth not rosemary and Romeo begin both with a letter?

  Romeo

  Yes ma’am. They both begin with ‘r’.

  Ay, nurse; what of that? both with an R.

  Nurse

  You are so silly. ‘R’ is for the name of a dog. They must begin with a different letter. You should hear Juliet talk about you and rosemary.

  Ah, mocker! that's the dog's name. R is for the dog: no; I know it begins with some other letter:--and she hath the prettiest sententious of it, of you and rosemary, that it would do you good to hear it.

  Romeo

  Okay, please send my message to your lady.

  Commend me to thy lady.

  Nurse

  Certainly, a thousand times, I will. (Exit Romeo.) Peter!

  Ay, a thousand times. [Exit Romeo.]--Peter!

  Peter

  Yes?

  Anon?

  Nurse

  Peter, take my fan, and go ahead.

  Peter, take my fan, and go before.

  (Exit all.)

  Scene V: Capulet’s garden.

  (Enter Juliet.)

  Juliet

  I sent the nurse at nine o’clock. She promised to return in thirty minutes. Perhaps, she cannot find him. She is so inept! Love’s messengers should be as fast as thoughts, like sunbeams, moving shadows or the wings of a dove. Now it’s noon. Three hours have passed. Still, she is not here. Maybe if she were younger, she would be faster, inspired by my words of love and my love’s to me. But old folks act as if they were dead, slow and heavy as lead. Oh God, here she comes!

  The clock struck nine when I did send the nurse; In half an hour she promis'd to return. Perchance she cannot meet him: that's not so.-- O, she is lame! love's heralds should be thoughts, Which ten times faster glide than the sun's beams, Driving back shadows over lowering hills: Therefore do nimble-pinion'd doves draw love, And therefore hath the wind-swift Cupid wings. Now is the sun upon the highmost hill Of this day's journey; and from nine till twelve Is three long hours,--yet she is not come. Had she affections and warm youthful blood, She'd be as swift in motion as a ball; My words would bandy her to my sweet love, And his to me: But old folks, many feign as they were dead; Unwieldy, slow, heavy and pale as lead.-- O God, she comes!

  (Enter Nurse and Peter.)

  Oh sweet Nurse, what did you find out? Did you find Romeo? Send your man away.

  O honey nurse, what news? Hast thou met with him? Send thy man away.

  Nurse

  Stay at the gate.

  Peter, stay at the gate.

  (Exit Peter.)

  Juliet

  Why do you look so sad? If it’s bad news, break it to me gently. If it’s good news, then why do you come in here with such a sour face?

  Now, good sweet nurse,--O Lord, why look'st thou sad? Though news be sad, yet tell them merrily; If good, thou sham'st the music of sweet news By playing it to me with so sour a face.

  Nurse

  I am weary. Just give me a minute. My bones ache and I have had quite a journey!

  I am aweary, give me leave awhile;-- Fie, how my bones ache! what a jaunt have I had!

  Juliet

  I would give you my bones for some news. Please, I beg you, speak. Good, good Nurse, tell me.

  I would thou hadst my bones, and I thy news: Nay, come, I pray thee speak;--good, good nurse, speak.

  Nurse

  You’re in a hurry. Can’t you wait a minute? Don’t you see I am out of breath?

  Jesu, what haste? can you not stay awhile? Do you not see that I am out of breath?

  Juliet

  You can’t be out of breath, if you can say you’re out of breath. You could have told me by now. Is it good or
bad news? Can you answer that? Just tell me one way or the other, and then I’ll be patient. Give me something, good or bad.

  How art thou out of breath, when thou hast breath To say to me that thou art out of breath? The excuse that thou dost make in this delay Is longer than the tale thou dost excuse. Is thy news good or bad? answer to that; Say either, and I'll stay the circumstance: Let me be satisfied, is't good or bad?

  Nurse

  I think you have made a bad choice with Romeo. You don’t know how to pick a man. Yes, his face is handsome and his legs are great, but the rest of his body isn’t much. He is not courteous, but I think he is gentle. But it is your choice. Remember to serve God. Have you had lunch yet?

  Well, you have made a simple choice; you know not how to choose a man: Romeo! no, not he; rhough his face be better than any man's, yet his leg excels all men's; and for a hand and a foot, and a body,--though they be not to be talked on, yet they are past compare: he is not the flower of courtesy,--but I'll warrant him as gentle as a lamb.--Go thy ways, wench; serve God.- -What, have you dined at home?

  Juliet

  No, I haven’t eaten and I already knew all of this. What did he say about our marriage?

  No, no: but all this did I know before. What says he of our marriage? what of that?

  Nurse

  Lord, my head hurts. It feels like it is about to burst into twenty pieces. My back is killing me, too! How could you send me on a trip like this knowing what it would do to me?

  Lord, how my head aches! what a head have I! It beats as it would fall in twenty pieces. My back o' t' other side,--O, my back, my back!-- Beshrew your heart for sending me about To catch my death with jauncing up and down!

  Juliet

  I am sorry that you are not feeling well. Sweet, sweet, sweet Nurse, tell me what he said.

  I' faith, I am sorry that thou art not well. Sweet, sweet, sweet nurse, tell me, what says my love?

  Nurse

  He says, like an honest, polite, kind, and handsome man, and I bet a virtuous one, too…Where is your mother?

  Your love says, like an honest gentleman, And a courteous, and a kind, and a handsome; And, I warrant, a virtuous,--Where is your mother?

  Juliet

  Where is my mother? She is inside. Where else would she be? Quit being so vague.

  Where is my mother?--why, she is within; Where should she be? How oddly thou repliest! 'Your love says, like an honest gentleman,-- 'Where is your mother?'

  Nurse

  Why are you so angry? Is this how you treat your helper? From now on, you can do your own dirty work.

  O God's lady dear! Are you so hot? marry,come up, I trow; Is this the poultice for my aching bones? Henceforward,do your messages yourself.

  Juliet

  Quit being so fussy. What did Romeo say?

  Here's such a coil!--come, what says Romeo?

  Nurse

  Have you figured out how to get to the church today?

  Have you got leave to go to shrift to-day?

  Juliet

  Yes.

  I have.

  Nurse

  Then, go to Friar Lawrence for the ceremony. Romeo will meet you there. Here comes the blood to your cheeks. While you go to church, I have to get a ladder from your love so he can come to you after dark. I must do all the work while you get all of the rewards, especially tonight. Go on now. I am going to eat.

  Then hie you hence to Friar Lawrence' cell; There stays a husband to make you a wife: Now comes the wanton blood up in your cheeks, They'll be in scarlet straight at any news. Hie you to church; I must another way, To fetch a ladder, by the which your love Must climb a bird's nest soon when it is dark: I am the drudge, and toil in your delight; But you shall bear the burden soon at night. Go; I'll to dinner; hie you to the cell.

  Juliet

  Thank you, dear Nurse. Wish me luck!

  Hie to high fortune!--honest nurse, farewell.

  (Exit all.)

  Scene VI: Friar Lawrence’s Cell.

  (Enter Friar Lawrence and Romeo.)

  Friar Lawrence

  The heavens smile down upon the act of marriage. I hope we are not sorry afterwards.

  So smile the heavens upon this holy act That after-hours with sorrow chide us not!

  Romeo

  Amen. No matter what happens, nothing can change the joy I feel when I see my love. Just marry us, and let death do us part. It’s enough that I can call her mine.

  Amen, amen! but come what sorrow can, It cannot countervail the exchange of joy That one short minute gives me in her sight: Do thou but close our hands with holy words, Then love-devouring death do what he dare,-- It is enough I may but call her mine.

  Friar Lawrence

  Sometimes acts that give us great pleasure bring us great sadness. They quickly ignite and as quickly extinguish. Like honey, too much of a sweet thing can make one sick. Therefore, don’t love each other too much. This is the key to a relationship that lasts. Being too passionate can be as bad as loving too slowly. Here comes your lady, now. She is so light on her feet, like she is floating on air. Ah, love.

  These violent delights have violent ends, And in their triumph die; like fire and powder, Which, as they kiss, consume: the sweetest honey Is loathsome in his own deliciousness, And in the taste confounds the appetite: Therefore love moderately: long love doth so; Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow. Here comes the lady:--O, so light a foot Will ne'er wear out the everlasting flint: A lover may bestride the gossamer That idles in the wanton summer air And yet not fall; so light is vanity.

  (Enter Juliet.)

  Juliet

  Good evening, my father.

  Good-even to my ghostly confessor.

  Friar Lawrence

  Romeo will thank you for both of us.

  Romeo shall thank thee, daughter, for us both.

  Juliet

  Then, I will thank him.

  As much to him, else is his thanks too much.

  Romeo

  Ah Juliet, are you as happy as I am? If you are, tell me how you feel about our future.

  Ah, Juliet, if the measure of thy joy Be heap'd like mine, and that thy skill be more To blazon it, then sweeten with thy breath This neighbour air, and let rich music's tongue Unfold the imagin'd happiness that both Receive in either by this dear encounter.

  Juliet

  I can’t quite put it into words. I can only say that I am filled with a wealth of blessings and happiness.

  Conceit, more rich in matter than in words, Brags of his substance, not of ornament: They are but beggars that can count their worth; But my true love is grown to such excess, I cannot sum up sum of half my wealth.

  Friar Lawrence

  Come on. Let’s go. This will not take long, and since we are in church, I am not leaving you two alone until you are married.

  Come, come with me, and we will make short work; For, by your leaves, you shall not stay alone Till holy church incorporate two in one.

  (Exit all.)

  Scene I: A public place.

  (Enter Mercutio, Benvolio, Page, and Servants.)

  Benvolio

  I beg you, Mercutio, let’s go home. It is too hot. The Capulets are out, too, and I don’t feel like fighting. You know how hot days make people irritable.

  I pray thee, good Mercutio, let's retire: The day is hot, the Capulets abroad, And, if we meet, we shall not scape a brawl; For now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring.

  Mercutio

  You are like one of those guys who go into a bar with a weapon, but say he doesn’t want to use it. After a couple of drinks, you pull it out on someone for no reason.

  Thou art like one of these fellows that, when he enters the confines of a tavern, claps me his sword upon the table, and says 'God send me no need of thee!' and by the operation of the second cup draws him on the drawer, when indeed there is no need.

  Benvolio

  You think I am like that?

  Am I like such a fellow?
/>   Mercutio

  You know you are as hot-headed as any other man in Italy. It doesn’t take much to get you in a bad mood, and when you are in a bad mood, it doesn’t take much to make you angry.

  Come, come, thou art as hot a Jack in thy mood as any in Italy; and as soon moved to be moody, and as soon moody to be moved.

  Benvolio

  Angry, about what?

  And what to?

  Mercutio

  If there were two Benvolios in the world, they would fight each other to the death. You would fight with a man over how many hairs are in his beard. You would fight a man for cracking nuts, the same color as your eyes. Who else would fight over such stupid things? Your head is as full of reasons to fight as an egg is full of yolks. Your mind is like scrambled eggs, you have been in so many fights. You have fought because a man, coughing in the street, woke up your dog. Didn’t you even fight with a tailor for wearing a summer suit before Easter? And another, for tying new shoes with old laces? Now, you stand there and scold me about fighting!

  Nay, an there were two such, we should have none shortly, for one would kill the other. Thou! why, thou wilt quarrel with a man that hath a hair more or a hair less in his beard than thou hast. Thou wilt quarrel with a man for cracking nuts, having no other reason but because thou hast hazel eyes;--what eye but such an eye would spy out such a quarrel? Thy head is as full of quarrels as an egg is full of meat; and yet thy head hath been beaten as addle as an egg for quarrelling. Thou hast quarrelled with a man for coughing in the street, because he hath wakened thy dog that hath lain asleep in the sun. Didst thou not fall out with a tailor for wearing his new doublet before Easter? with another for tying his new shoes with an old riband? and yet thou wilt tutor me from quarrelling!

  Benvolio

  If I fought as much as you, I couldn’t afford simple life insurance.

  An I were so apt to quarrel as thou art, any man should buy the fee simple of my life for an hour and a quarter.