The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 659
CRESSIDA.
O, he smiles valiantly!
Oh, he smiles bravely!
PANDARUS.
Does he not?
Doesn't he?
CRESSIDA.
O yes, an 'twere a cloud in autumn!
Oh yes, like the sun behind a rain cloud.
PANDARUS.
Why, go to, then! But to prove to you that Helen loves
Troilus-
Well, sucks to you, then! But to prove to you that Helen loves
Troilus–
CRESSIDA.
Troilus will stand to the proof, if you'll prove it so.
Troilus willbe pleased to accept it, if you can prove it.
PANDARUS.
Troilus! Why, he esteems her no more than I esteem an
addle egg.
Troilus! Why, he likes her no more than I like rotten eggs.
CRESSIDA.
If you love an addle egg as well as you love an idle
head, you would eat chickens i' th' shell.
If you love rotten eggs as much as you love
empty heads, you will eat half hatched chicks.
PANDARUS.
I cannot choose but laugh to think how she tickled his
chin. Indeed, she has a marvell's white hand, I must needs
confess.
I can't help laughing when I think of how she tickled his
chin. Indeed, she has a marvellously white hand, I must confess–
CRESSIDA.
Without the rack.
And you don't even need to be tortured to do it.
PANDARUS.
And she takes upon her to spy a white hair on his chin.
And she said she could see a white hair on his chin.
CRESSIDA.
Alas, poor chin! Many a wart is richer.
Alas, poor chin! There are many warts with more hairs on them.
PANDARUS.
But there was such laughing! Queen Hecuba laugh'd that
her eyes ran over.
But there was such laughter! Queen Hecuba laughed until
she cried.
CRESSIDA.
With millstones.
They can't have been tears of laughter.
PANDARUS.
And Cassandra laughed.
And Cassandra laughed.
CRESSIDA.
But there was a more temperate fire under the pot of her
eyes. Did her eyes run o'er too?
But the pot of her eyes wasn't boiling over.
Did she weep too?
PANDARUS.
And Hector laughed.
And Hector laughed.
CRESSIDA.
At what was all this laughing?
What was everyone laughing at?
PANDARUS.
Marry, at the white hair that Helen spied on Troilus'
chin.
Why, at the white hair that Helen spotted on Troilus'
chin.
CRESSIDA.
An't had been a green hair I should have laugh'd too.
If it had been a green hair I should have laughed as well.
PANDARUS.
They laugh'd not so much at the hair as at his pretty
answer.
They weren't laughing so much at the hair as at his clever
answer.
CRESSIDA.
What was his answer?
What did he say?
PANDARUS.
Quoth she 'Here's but two and fifty hairs on your chin,
and one of them is white.'
She said, ‘there are only fifty-two hairs on your chin,
and one of them is white.’
CRESSIDA.
This is her question.
That's what she said.
PANDARUS.
That's true; make no question of that. 'Two and fifty
hairs,' quoth he 'and one white. That white hair is my father,
and all the rest are his sons.' 'Jupiter!' quoth she 'which of
these hairs is Paris my husband?' 'The forked one,' quoth he,
'pluck't out and give it him.' But there was such laughing! and
Helen so blush'd, and Paris so chaf'd; and all the rest so
laugh'd that it pass's.
That's true; no doubt about that.‘Fifty-two
hairs,’ he said, ‘and one is white. That white hair is my father,
and the rest are all his sons.’ ‘By Jupiter!’ she said, ‘which of
these hairs is my husband Paris?’ ‘The bent one,’ he said,
‘pull it out and give it to him.’ Everyone laughed so much! And
Helen blushed so much, and Paris was so angry, and everyone else
laughed so much I can hardly describe it.
CRESSIDA.
So let it now; for it has been a great while going by.
I wish you wouldn't, you've taken your time over it.
PANDARUS.
Well, cousin, I told you a thing yesterday; think on't.
Well, cousin, I said something to you yesterday; do you remember?
CRESSIDA.
So I do.
Yes I do.
PANDARUS.
I'll be sworn 'tis true; he will weep you, and 'twere a
man born in April.
I'll swear it's true; he will cry for you like the April showers.
CRESSIDA.
And I'll spring up in his tears, an 'twere a nettle
against May. [Sound a retreat]
And I'll grow from them, like a nettle
growing in May.
PANDARUS.
Hark! they are coming from the field. Shall we stand up
here and see them as they pass toward Ilium? Good niece, do,
sweet niece Cressida.
Listen! They are coming back from the battle. Shall we stand up
hear and see them as they pass on their way to Troy? Good niece, do,
sweet niece Cressida.
CRESSIDA.
At your pleasure.
As you wish.
PANDARUS.
Here, here, here's an excellent place; here we may see
most bravely. I'll tell you them all by their names as they pass
by; but mark Troilus above the rest.
Here, here is an excellent place; here we can see
very well. I'll tell you who they all are as they pass
by; but look out for Troilus most of all.
AENEAS passes
CRESSIDA.
Speak not so loud.
Don't talk so loudly.
PANDARUS.
That's Aeneas. Is not that a brave man? He's one of the
flowers of Troy, I can tell you. But mark Troilus; you shall see
anon.
That's Aeneas. Isn't that a great man? He's one of the
greatest in Troy, I can tell you. But look out for Troilus; you shall see
him soon.
ANTENOR passes
CRESSIDA. Who's that?
Who's that?
PANDARUS.
That's Antenor. He has a shrewd wit, I can tell you; and
he's a man good enough; he's one o' th' soundest judgments in
Troy, whosoever, and a proper man of person. When comes Troilus?
I'll show you Troilus anon. If he see me, you shall see him nod
at me.
That's Antenor. He's a clever fellow, I can tell you; and
he's a good man too; one of the best thinkers in
Troy, as good as anyone, and a fine figure of a man. When does Troilus come?
I'll show you Troilus soon. If he sees me, you shall see him nod
to me.
CRESSIDA.
Will he give you the nod?
Will he give you the nod? (Slang for "make you a fool" - Ed)
PANDARUS.
You shall see.
You shall see.
CRESSIDA.
If he do, the rich shall have more.
If he
does, you will be even more so.
HECTOR passes
PANDARUS.
That's Hector, that, that, look you, that; there's a
fellow! Go thy way, Hector! There's a brave man, niece. O brave
Hector! Look how he looks. There's a countenance! Is't not a
brave man?
That's Hector, there, there, look, there; there's a
man! Good for you, Hector! There's a good man, niece. Oh great
Hector! Look at his expression. There's a face! Isn't he a
great man?
CRESSIDA.
O, a brave man!
Oh, a great man!
PANDARUS.
Is 'a not? It does a man's heart good. Look you what
hacks are on his helmet! Look you yonder, do you see? Look you
there. There's no jesting; there's laying on; take't off who
will, as they say. There be hacks.
Isn't he just? It does a man's heart good to see him. Look at the
dents on his helmet! Look over there, can you see? Look over
there. That was no play fighting, those were heavy blows,
there's no denying it, as the saying goes. Those are gashes.
CRESSIDA.
Be those with swords?
Were they made with swords?
PANDARUS.
Swords! anything, he cares not; an the devil come to him,
it's all one. By God's lid, it does one's heart good. Yonder
comes Paris, yonder comes Paris.
PARIS passes
Look ye yonder, niece; is't not a gallant man too, is't not? Why, this is brave now. Who said he came hurt home to-day? He's not hurt. Why, this will do Helen's heart good now, ha! Would I could see Troilus now! You shall see Troilus anon.
Swords! It could have been anything, he doesn't care. If the devil came to him it would be the same to him. By God, it does one's heart good. Here comes Paris, here comes Paris.
Paris passes
Look over there, niece; that's a brave man too,
isn't it? Well, this is amazing. Who said he came
back wounded today? He's not wounded. Why, Helen will be
pleased with this! I wish I could see Troilus
now! You shall see Troilus soon.
HELENUS passes
CRESSIDA.
Who's that?
Who's that?
PANDARUS.
That's Helenus. I marvel where Troilus is. That's
Helenus. I think he went not forth to-day. That's Helenus.
That's Helenus.I wonder where Troilus is. That's
Helenus. I don't think he went to battle today. That's Helenus.
CRESSIDA.
Can Helenus fight, uncle?
Can Helenus fight, uncle?
PANDARUS.
Helenus! no. Yes, he'll fight indifferent well. I marvel
where Troilus is. Hark! do you not hear the people cry 'Troilus'?
Helenus is a priest.
Helenus! No–yes he can fight reasonably well.
I wonder where Troilus is. Listen, can't you hear the
people crying ‘Troilus’? Helenus is a priest.
CRESSIDA.
What sneaking fellow comes yonder?
Who's that creep over there?
TROILUS passes
PANDARUS.
Where? yonder? That's Deiphobus. 'Tis Troilus. There's a
man, niece. Hem! Brave Troilus, the prince of chivalry!
Where, over there? That's Deiphobus. It's Troilus. There's a
man,niece. Ahem! Brave Troilus, the Prince of chivalry!
CRESSIDA.
Peace, for shame, peace!
Be quiet, you're embarrassing!
PANDARUS.
Mark him; note him. O brave Troilus! Look well upon him,
niece; look you how his sword is bloodied, and his helm more
hack'd than Hector's; and how he looks, and how he goes! O
admirable youth! he never saw three and twenty. Go thy way,
Troilus, go thy way. Had I a sister were a grace or a daughter a
goddess, he should take his choice. O admirable man! Paris? Paris
is dirt to him; and, I warrant, Helen, to change, would give an
eye to boot.
Look at him; make a note of him. O brave Troilus! Look carefully at him,
niece; look how his sword is bloodied, and his helmet is more
dented than Hector's; look at the way he looks, the way he walks!
What a wonderful youth! He is not yet twenty-three. Good for you,
Troilus, good for you. If I had a sister or a daughter who were
goddesses, he should have his pick. What a wonderful man! Paris? Paris
is like dirt to him; and I bet that Helen would give an eye
to swap them.
CRESSIDA.
Here comes more.
Here come more.
Common soldiers pass
PANDARUS.
Asses, fools, dolts! chaff and bran, chaff and bran!
porridge after meat! I could live and die in the eyes of Troilus.
Ne'er look, ne'er look; the eagles are gone. Crows and daws,
crows and daws! I had rather be such a man as Troilus than
Agamemnon and all Greece.
Asses,fools, idiots! Cannon fodder, cannon fodder!
Soup after meat! I could live and die in Troilus' company.
Don't bother looking, don't bother; the eagles have passed. These are crows
and jackdaws! I would rather be a man like Troilus than be
Agamemnon and rule all of Greece.
CRESSIDA.
There is amongst the Greeks Achilles, a better man than
Troilus.
The Greeks have Achilles, a better man than
Troilus.
PANDARUS.
Achilles? A drayman, a porter, a very camel!
Achilles? A carter, a servant, an absolute beast!
CRESSIDA.
Well, well.
Well, whatever.
PANDARUS.
Well, well! Why, have you any discretion? Have you any
eyes? Do you know what a man is? Is not birth, beauty, good
shape, discourse, manhood, learning, gentleness, virtue, youth,
liberality, and such like, the spice and salt that season a man?
Well, whatever! Haven't you any taste?
Have you got eyes? Do you know what a man is? Isn't
birth, beauty, a good figure, good conversation, manliness, education,
gentleness, virtue, youth, generosity and so on the things that
go to make a tasty man?
CRESSIDA.
Ay, a minc'd man; and then to be bak'd with no date in
the pie, for then the man's date is out.
Yes, a minced up man; one who should be baked without
dates, because he's past his sell by date.
PANDARUS.
You are such a woman! A man knows not at what ward you
lie.
What a woman you are! Nobody can get past your defences.
CRESSIDA.
Upon my back, to defend my belly; upon my wit, to defend
my wiles; upon my secrecy, to defend mine honesty; my mask, to
defend my beauty; and you, to defend all these; and at all these
wards I lie at, at a thousand watches.
I'll lie on my back, to defend my virginity; use my wit to defend
my cunning; I'll defend my chastity by protecting my secret places;
I'll wear a mask to protect my beauty; and I'll have you to defend
everything; I'll keep all these defences around me, for a
thousand nights.
PANDARUS.
Say one of your watches.
Say what keeps you awake.
CRESSIDA.
Nay, I'll watch you for that; and that's one of the
chiefest of them too. If I cannot w
ard what I would not have hit,
I can watch you for telling how I took the blow; unless it swell
past hiding, and then it's past watching.
No, you can keep awake for that; and that's one of the
chief defences as well. If I can't ward off the attack,
you can make sure fact of it is kept secret; unless
I swell up beyond hiding, and then it will be too late.
PANDARUS.
You are such another!
What a woman you are!
Enter TROILUS' BOY
BOY.
Sir, my lord would instantly speak with you.
Sir, my lord wants to speak with you at once.
PANDARUS.
Where?
Where?
BOY.
At your own house; there he unarms him.
At your own house; he's there taking off his armour.
PANDARUS.
Good boy, tell him I come.