The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 661
He pageants us. Sometime, great Agamemnon,
Thy topless deputation he puts on;
And like a strutting player whose conceit
Lies in his hamstring, and doth think it rich
To hear the wooden dialogue and sound
'Twixt his stretch'd footing and the scaffoldage-
Such to-be-pitied and o'er-wrested seeming
He acts thy greatness in; and when he speaks
'Tis like a chime a-mending; with terms unsquar'd,
Which, from the tongue of roaring Typhon dropp'd,
Would seem hyperboles. At this fusty stuff
The large Achilles, on his press'd bed lolling,
From his deep chest laughs out a loud applause;
Cries 'Excellent! 'tis Agamemnon just.
Now play me Nestor; hem, and stroke thy beard,
As he being drest to some oration.'
That's done-as near as the extremest ends
Of parallels, as like Vulcan and his wife;
Yet god Achilles still cries 'Excellent!
'Tis Nestor right. Now play him me, Patroclus,
Arming to answer in a night alarm.'
And then, forsooth, the faint defects of age
Must be the scene of mirth: to cough and spit
And, with a palsy-fumbling on his gorget,
Shake in and out the rivet. And at this sport
Sir Valour dies; cries 'O, enough, Patroclus;
Or give me ribs of steel! I shall split all
In pleasure of my spleen.' And in this fashion
All our abilities, gifts, natures, shapes,
Severals and generals of grace exact,
Achievements, plots, orders, preventions,
Excitements to the field or speech for truce,
Success or loss, what is or is not, serves
As stuff for these two to make paradoxes.
The great Achilles, who is generally thought
to be the greatest man in our army,
has been listening to everyone's praise of him,
which has made him vain of his value and he lies
in his tent, mocking our plans. He and Patroclus
while away the day lounging in bed,
making scurrilous jokes,
and with ridiculous and clumsy actions–
which, slanderer, he calls imitation–
he mimics us. Sometimes, great Agamemnon,
he pretends to be you,
and, like a strutting actor, whose wits live in
his thighs, and who thinks it's wonderful
to parade around the stage,
with great exaggeration, completely overblown,
he imitates you; and when he speaks,
it's like an untuned bell, not fitting,
with great roars which would seem excessive
from an earthquake. This dirty business
makes the huge Achilles, lounging on his bed,
give a great laugh from his huge chest,
and he cries, ‘Excellent! That's Agamemnon exactly.
Now copy Nestor; cough, and stroke your beard,
as if he was getting ready to speak.’
He does it, and is as similar to his subject
as Vulcan was to his wife;
but this great Achilles still cries, ‘excellent!
That's Nestor alright. Now, Patroclus, act him for me,
getting ready to answer a night attack.’
And then in truth, the weaknesses of age
are supposed to be funny; he acts him coughing and spitting,
with his hands shaking as he
puts on his armour. Andthis action
makes the great brave one die laughing; he cries, ‘Oh, enough, Patroclus,
or give me ribs of steel! I will burst everything
with my scornful laughter.’ And in this manner,
all our abilities, gifts, natures, shapes,
individual and group virtues which are of great merit,
achievements, plots, orders, defences,
calls to action, or speeches for truce,
success or loss, what is or is not, becomes
material for these two to mock.
NESTOR.
And in the imitation of these twain-
Who, as Ulysses says, opinion crowns
With an imperial voice-many are infect.
Ajax is grown self-will'd and bears his head
In such a rein, in full as proud a place
As broad Achilles; keeps his tent like him;
Makes factious feasts; rails on our state of war
Bold as an oracle, and sets Thersites,
A slave whose gall coins slanders like a mint,
To match us in comparisons with dirt,
To weaken and discredit our exposure,
How rank soever rounded in with danger.
Andin imitation of these two–
who, as Ulysses says, general opinion
gives absolute authority to–many are infected.
Ajax has become wilful and looks down his nose
at everyone, he's just as vain about his status
as broad chested Achilles; he stays in his tent like him;
he holds meals for his faction; he criticises our army,
as bold as a priest, and encourages Thersites–
a slave whose bile produces slanders endlessly–
to make comparisons between us and dirt,
to make a mockery of our situation,
however dangerous it might be.
ULYSSES.
They tax our policy and call it cowardice,
Count wisdom as no member of the war,
Forestall prescience, and esteem no act
But that of hand. The still and mental parts
That do contrive how many hands shall strike
When fitness calls them on, and know, by measure
Of their observant toil, the enemies' weight-
Why, this hath not a finger's dignity:
They call this bed-work, mapp'ry, closet-war;
So that the ram that batters down the wall,
For the great swinge and rudeness of his poise,
They place before his hand that made the engine,
Or those that with the fineness of their souls
By reason guide his execution.
They criticise our policy and call it cowardice,
they don't think that intelligence has anything to do with war,
they obstruct careful planning, and value no acts
except physical ones. The quiet and thinking people,
who construct the plans of attack,
choosing the right time, who work hard
to determine the strength of the enemy–
they think this is worth nothing.
They call it armchair generalship, mapmaking, theoretical war;
so they value the battering ram,
with its great power and violence,
above the engineer who designed it
or the one whose superior intellect
decided on the strategy for using it.
NESTOR.
Let this be granted, and Achilles' horse
Makes many Thetis' sons.
[Tucket]
If we accept this then Achilles' horse
is worth many of him.
AGAMEMNON.
What trumpet? Look, Menelaus.
What's that trumpet for? Go and see, Menelaus.
MENELAUS.
From Troy.
It's from Troy.
Enter AENEAS
AGAMEMNON.
What would you fore our tent?
What you want at our tent?
AENEAS.
Is this great Agamemnon's tent, I pray you?
Please tell me, is this the great Agamemnon's tent?
AGAMEMNON.
Even this.
It is.
AENEAS.
May one that is a herald and a p
rince
Do a fair message to his kingly ears?
May someone who is a Herald and a prince
deliver a courteous message to his royal ears?
AGAMEMNON.
With surety stronger than Achilles' arm
Fore all the Greekish heads, which with one voice
Call Agamemnon head and general.
I promise with guarantees stronger than the arm
of Achilles when he led the Greek army, which is unanimous
in calling Agamemnon its head and general.
AENEAS.
Fair leave and large security. How may
A stranger to those most imperial looks
Know them from eyes of other mortals?
That's kind permission and a solid promise. How can
someone who doesn't know what Agamemnon looks like
pick him out from amongst the other men?
AGAMEMNON.
How?
How?
AENEAS.
Ay;
I ask, that I might waken reverence,
And bid the cheek be ready with a blush
Modest as Morning when she coldly eyes
The youthful Phoebus.
Which is that god in office, guiding men?
Which is the high and mighty Agamemnon?
Yes;
I'm asking so I can put on a respectful face,
and tell my cheeks to be ready, blushing
as modestly as morning when she coldly looks
at the newly risen sun.
Where is that Godly leader, who guides men.
Which is the high and mighty Agamemnon?
AGAMEMNON.
This Troyan scorns us, or the men of Troy
Are ceremonious courtiers.
This Trojan is mocking us, or the men of Troy
are very formal courtiers.
AENEAS.
Courtiers as free, as debonair, unarm'd,
As bending angels; that's their fame in peace.
But when they would seem soldiers, they have galls,
Good arms, strong joints, true swords; and, Jove's accord,
Nothing so full of heart. But peace, Aeneas,
Peace, Troyan; lay thy finger on thy lips.
The worthiness of praise distains his worth,
If that the prais'd himself bring the praise forth;
But what the repining enemy commends,
That breath fame blows; that praise, sole pure, transcends.
Courtiers as noble, gracious, when they are unarmed,
as bowing angels–they are well known for that in peacetime.
But when they become soldiers, they react to insults,
they have good arms, strong joints, true swords and- God willing–
unequalled courage. But quiet, Aeneas,
quiet, Trojan; stop talking!
Praise is worth nothing
when it is self praise.
When the beaten enemy praises you,
that is real praise, pure and transcendent.
AGAMEMNON.
Sir, you of Troy, call you yourself Aeneas?
Sir, you man of Troy, do you call yourself Aeneas?
AENEAS.
Ay, Greek, that is my name.
Yes, Greek, that is my name.
AGAMEMNON.
What's your affair, I pray you?
And what you want, may I ask?
AENEAS.
Sir, pardon; 'tis for Agamemnon's ears.
You must excuse me, sir; that's for Agamemnon's ears only.
AGAMEMNON.
He hears nought privately that comes from Troy.
He doesn't accept private messages from Troy.
AENEAS.
Nor I from Troy come not to whisper with him;
I bring a trumpet to awake his ear,
To set his sense on the attentive bent,
And then to speak.
I haven't come from Troy on a secret mission;
I brought a trumpet to tell him I'm here,
to get him listening to me,
and then to speak.
AGAMEMNON.
Speak frankly as the wind;
It is not Agamemnon's sleeping hour.
That thou shalt know, Troyan, he is awake,
He tells thee so himself.
You may speak as freely as the wind;
Agamemnon is not asleep.
So that you know, Trojan, that he is awake,
he's telling you so himself.
AENEAS.
Trumpet, blow loud,
Send thy brass voice through all these lazy tents;
And every Greek of mettle, let him know
What Troy means fairly shall be spoke aloud.
[Sound trumpet]
We have, great Agamemnon, here in Troy
A prince called Hector-Priam is his father-
Who in this dull and long-continued truce
Is resty grown; he bade me take a trumpet
And to this purpose speak: Kings, princes, lords!
If there be one among the fair'st of Greece
That holds his honour higher than his ease,
That seeks his praise more than he fears his peril,
That knows his valour and knows not his fear,
That loves his mistress more than in confession
With truant vows to her own lips he loves,
And dare avow her beauty and her worth
In other arms than hers-to him this challenge.
Hector, in view of Troyans and of Greeks,
Shall make it good or do his best to do it:
He hath a lady wiser, fairer, truer,
Than ever Greek did couple in his arms;
And will to-morrow with his trumpet call
Mid-way between your tents and walls of Troy
To rouse a Grecian that is true in love.
If any come, Hector shall honour him;
If none, he'll say in Troy, when he retires,
The Grecian dames are sunburnt and not worth
The splinter of a lance. Even so much.
Trumpet, blow loud,
send your brassy voice through all these sleeping tents;
and let every Greek of spirit know
that Troy wants to announce her intentions.
Great Agamemnon, here in Troy we have
a prince called Hector–Priam is his father–
who has become bored with this dull and
perpetual truce. He told me to take a trumpet,
and say these words: “kings, princes, lords,
if there is anyone amongst the highest of the Greeks
who thinks more of his honour than an easy life,
who looks for praise more than he fears danger,
who uses his bravery and never acknowledges fear,
who shows his love for his mistress
by performing feats of arms rather than
just making her empty promises; I give him this challenge:
Hector, in front of Trojans and of Greeks,
will prove, or do his best to do so,
he has a lady who is wiser,fairer and truer
than any Greek ever held in his arms;
tomorrow he will blow his trumpet,
halfway between your tents and the walls of Troy,
to summon a Greek who is truly in love.
If anyone comes, Hector will take up his challenge;
if nobody does, he'll go back toTroy and tell them
that Greek women are sunburnt, and not worth
fighting over’. That is all.
AGAMEMNON.
This shall be told our lovers, Lord Aeneas.
If none of them have soul in such a kind,
We left them all at home. But we are soldiers;
And may that soldier a mere recreant prove
That means not, hath not, or is not in love.
If then one is, or hath, or means to be,
That one meets Hector; if none else
, I am he.
We shall tell our men in love this, Lord Aeneas.
If none of them want to take up the challenge,
you can say we left them all home; we are soldiers,
and a soldier is just an ordinary coward
if he means not to be, has not been, or is not, in love.
So if one is, or has been, or means to be,
that one will fight Hector; if no one else will, I'll do it.
NESTOR.
Tell him of Nestor, one that was a man
When Hector's grandsire suck'd. He is old now;
But if there be not in our Grecian mould
One noble man that hath one spark of fire
To answer for his love, tell him from me
I'll hide my silver beard in a gold beaver,
And in my vantbrace put this wither'd brawn,
And, meeting him, will tell him that my lady
Was fairer than his grandame, and as chaste
As may be in the world. His youth in flood,
I'll prove this truth with my three drops of blood.
Tell him about Nestor, someone who was a man
when Hector's grandfather was a baby. He's old now;
but if there is not one man in Greece,
one noble man who has a spark of fire,
who wants to defend his love, tell him from me,
I'll hide my silver beard in a golden helmet
and putarmour over these withered muscles;
and, when I meet him, I will tell him that my lady
was more beautiful than his grandmother and as pure
as any in the world. He may be in the prime of life,
but I'll stake what little blood I have left to prove this.
AENEAS.
Now heavens forfend such scarcity of youth!
Heaven forbid that you should have so few young men!
ULYSSES.
Amen.
Amen.
AGAMEMNON.
Fair Lord Aeneas, let me touch your hand;
To our pavilion shall I lead you, first.
Achilles shall have word of this intent;
So shall each lord of Greece, from tent to tent.
Yourself shall feast with us before you go,