The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 675
No, I'm finished.
ACHILLES.
Thou art too brief. I will the second time,
As I would buy thee, view thee limb by limb.
You're too swift. I will have a look over you
limb by limb, as if I was going to buy you.
HECTOR.
O, like a book of sport thou'lt read me o'er;
But there's more in me than thou understand'st.
Why dost thou so oppress me with thine eye?
Oh you'll read me like a huntsman's handbook;
but there's more to me than you understand.
Why are you glaring at me like that?
ACHILLES.
Tell me, you heavens, in which part of his body
Shall I destroy him? Whether there, or there, or there?
That I may give the local wound a name,
And make distinct the very breach whereout
Hector's great spirit flew. Answer me, heavens.
Tell me, you heavens, where on his body
shall I strike the killer blow? There, or there, or there?
I want to know the exact spot,
and mark out exactly where
Hector's great soul flew out. Answer me, heavens.
HECTOR.
It would discredit the blest gods, proud man,
To answer such a question. Stand again.
Think'st thou to catch my life so pleasantly
As to prenominate in nice conjecture
Where thou wilt hit me dead?
It would be unworthy of the great gods, arrogant man,
to answer a question like that. Get back on your feet.
You think it's going to be so easy to kill me
that you can nominate beforehand
where you will put the deadly blow?
ACHILLES.
I tell thee yea.
I'm telling you, yes.
HECTOR.
Wert thou an oracle to tell me so,
I'd not believe thee. Henceforth guard thee well;
For I'll not kill thee there, nor there, nor there;
But, by the forge that stithied Mars his helm,
I'll kill thee everywhere, yea, o'er and o'er.
You wisest Grecians, pardon me this brag.
His insolence draws folly from my lips;
But I'll endeavour deeds to match these words,
Or may I never-
If you were an Oracle telling me this,
I wouldn't believe you. From now on be on your guard;
for I won't kill you there, nor there, nor there;
but, I swear by the forge that made Mars' helmet,
I'll kill you everywhere, yes, over and over.
You wisest Greeks, excuse my boasting.
His insolence makes me say foolish things.
But I'll try to match my words with deeds,
or may I never–
AJAX.
Do not chafe thee, cousin;
And you, Achilles, let these threats alone
Till accident or purpose bring you to't.
You may have every day enough of Hector,
If you have stomach. The general state, I fear,
Can scarce entreat you to be odd with him.
Don’t to be angry, cousin.
And you, Achilles, stop making these threats,
until, accidentally or on purpose, you two meet in combat.
You can fight with Hector every day,
if you have the stomach for it. The Greek commanders, I'm afraid,
can't persuade you to be so confrontational with him.
HECTOR.
I pray you let us see you in the field;
We have had pelting wars since you refus'd
The Grecians' cause.
I ask you,let us see you on the battlefield.
The battles have been insignificant since you refused
to fight for the Greeks.
ACHILLES.
Dost thou entreat me, Hector?
To-morrow do I meet thee, fell as death;
To-night all friends.
Are you inviting me, Hector?
Tomorrow I shall meet you, fierce as death;
tonight we'll all be friends.
HECTOR.
Thy hand upon that match.
Shake hands on that.
AGAMEMNON.
First, all you peers of Greece, go to my tent;
There in the full convive we; afterwards,
As Hector's leisure and your bounties shall
Concur together, severally entreat him.
Beat loud the tambourines, let the trumpets blow,
That this great soldier may his welcome know.
First, all you lords of Greece, go to my tent;
then we will have a great feast together. Afterwards,
depending on what Hector wants and you can offer him,
you can entertain him yourselves.
Play the tambourines loudly, let the trumpets blow,
to show this great soldier our welcome.
Exeunt all but TROILUS and ULYSSES
TROILUS.
My Lord Ulysses, tell me, I beseech you,
In what place of the field doth Calchas keep?
My Lord Ulysses, tell me, I beg you,
whereabouts in the camp does Calchas stay?
ULYSSES.
At Menelaus' tent, most princely Troilus.
There Diomed doth feast with him to-night,
Who neither looks upon the heaven nor earth,
But gives all gaze and bent of amorous view
On the fair Cressid.
At Menelaus' tent, most princely Troilus.
Diomedes is feasting with him there tonight,
who doesn't look at the earth or the skies,
but spends all his looks lovingly
on the beautiful Cressida.
TROILUS.
Shall I, sweet lord, be bound to you so much,
After we part from Agamemnon's tent,
To bring me thither?
Would you be so kind, sweet lord,
after we leave Agamemnon's tent,
to take me there?
ULYSSES.
You shall command me, sir.
As gentle tell me of what honour was
This Cressida in Troy? Had she no lover there
That wails her absence?
I'm at your disposal, sir.
Be so kind as to tell me what was this Cressida's
reputation in Troy? Did she have no lover there,
who is missing her?
TROILUS.
O, sir, to such as boasting show their scars
A mock is due. Will you walk on, my lord?
She was belov'd, she lov'd; she is, and doth;
But still sweet love is food for fortune's tooth.
Oh, sir, those who boast and show their scars
should be mocked. Will you walk on, my lord?
She was loved and loved in return; she still is, and does;
but still, sweet love is still the plaything of fate.
Exeunt
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS
ACHILLES.
I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,
Which with my scimitar I'll cool to-morrow.
Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
I'll warm his blood with Greek wine tonight
and tomorrow I'll cool it down with my sword.
Patroclus, let's give him a great feast.
PATROCLUS.
Here comes Thersites.
Here comes Thersites.
Enter THERSITES
ACHILLES.
How now, thou core of envy!
Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?
Hello, you dregs of envy!
You scabby depraved object, what's the news?
THERSITES.
Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol of
idiot worshippers, here's a letter f
or thee.
Why, you who are all show and no substance,
the idol of foolish worshippers, here's a letter for you.
ACHILLES.
From whence, fragment?
Where from, youdreg?
THERSITES.
Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
Why you great bowlful of idiocy, from Troy.
PATROCLUS.
Who keeps the tent now?
Who's keeping to his tent now?
THERSITES.
The surgeon's box or the patient's wound.
The surgeon's box or the patient's wound.
PATROCLUS.
Well said, Adversity! and what needs these tricks?
Well said, perverse creature! Now what's the point in these word games?
THERSITES.
Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk; thou
art said to be Achilles' male varlet.
Please, be silent, boy; your talk is useless to me; you
are said to be Achilles' manservant.
PATROCLUS.
Male varlet, you rogue! What's that?
Manservant, you rogue! What's that mean?
THERSITES.
Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases of
the south, the guts-griping ruptures, catarrhs, loads o' gravel
in the back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten
livers, wheezing lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas,
limekilns i' th' palm, incurable bone-ache, and the rivelled fee-
simple of the tetter, take and take again such preposterous
discoveries!
Why, his masculine whore. Now, may the rotten diseases of
the South, colic, colds, shingles,
sleeping sickness, shakes, sore eyes, rotting
livers, wheezing lungs, bladders full of ulcers, sciatica,
warts, rheumatism, and all the scars that boils leave
overcome such filthy inversions!
PATROCLUS.
Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest thou
to curse thus?
Why you dammed swine, what do you mean
by this curse?
THERSITES.
Do I curse thee?
Am I cursing you?
PATROCLUS.
Why, no, you ruinous butt; you whoreson
indistinguishable cur, no.
Why, no, you revolting ass; you son of a bitch mongrel
dog, no.
THERSITES.
No! Why art thou, then, exasperate, thou idle immaterial
skein of sled silk, thou green sarcenet flap for a sore eye,
thou tassel of a prodigal's purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is
pestered with such water-flies-diminutives of nature!
No! Then why are upset, you idle useless piece of
embroidery silk, you flimsy green eyepatch for a sore eye,
you frilly decoration on a spendthrift's purse? Ah, how the poor world is
bothered by such mosquitoes–the tiny things of nature!
PATROCLUS.
Out, gall!
Get out, boil!
THERSITES.
Finch egg!
Speck!
ACHILLES.
My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
From my great purpose in to-morrow's battle.
Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
A token from her daughter, my fair love,
Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.
Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;
My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.
Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent;
This night in banqueting must all be spent.
Away, Patroclus! Exit with PATROCLUS
My sweet Patroclus, I have been quite diverted
from my plan for tomorrow's battle.
Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
a present from her daughter, my fair love,
both reproving me and reminding me to keep
an oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.
The Greeks can lose; fame can disappear; honour can come and go;
this is my greatest promise, this is what I shall obey.
Come, come, Thersites, help tidy my tent;
tonight will be spent banqueting.
Come on, Patroclus!
THERSITES.
With too much blood and too little brain these two may
run mad; but, if with too much brain and to little blood they do,
I'll be a curer of madmen. Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow
enough, and one that loves quails, but he has not so much brain
as ear-wax; and the goodly transformation of Jupiter there, his
brother, the bull, the primitive statue and oblique memorial of
cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his
brother's leg-to what form but that he is, should wit larded with
malice, and malice forced with wit, turn him to? To an ass, were
nothing: he is both ass and ox. To an ox, were nothing: he is both
ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a
lizard, an owl, a put-tock, or a herring without a roe, I would
not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire against destiny.
Ask me not what I would be, if I were not Thersites; for I care
not to be the louse of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus. Hey-day!
sprites and fires!
With too much passion and not enough brains these two may
go mad; but if they went mad with too much brain and not enough passion
I swear I could cure them.Here's Agamemnon, a nice enough
chap, and someone who loves the birds, but he's got more earwax
than brains; and that strange imitation of Jupiter there, his
brother, the bull, the model of all cuckolds, a useful but cheap tool,
a shoehorn hanging by a chain from Agamemnon's leg - to make him
look different, what should I do, spreading malice on my wit,
and stuffing wit with malice? To turn him into an ass would be nothing:
he is an ass and an ox. To turn him into an ox would be nothing: he is
an ox and an ass.If I wasa dog, a mule, a cat, a polecat, a toad, a
lizard, an owl, a kite, or a barren herring, I would
not care; but if I had to be Menelaus, I would do anything to change
my fate. Don't ask me what I would be, if I wasn't Thersites; I wouldn't
want to be a leper's louse, so I wouldn't want to be Menelaus. Hello!
Fairies with fires!
Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES,
NESTOR, MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights
AGAMEMNON.
We go wrong, we go wrong.
I'm sure we've gone the wrong way.
AJAX.
No, yonder 'tis;
There, where we see the lights.
No, it's over there;
there, where you can see the light.
HECTOR.
I trouble you.
I'm giving you trouble.
AJAX.
No, not a whit.
No, not at all.
Re-enter ACHILLES
ULYSSES.
Here comes himself to guide you.
Here he comes himself to guide you.
ACHILLES.
Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, Princes all.
Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, all you princes.
AGAMEMNON.
So now, fair Prince of Troy, I bid good night;
Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
So now, fair Prince of Troy, I'll say good night;
Ajax has been assigned to look after you.
HECTOR.
Thank
s, and good night to the Greeks' general.
Thank you, and good night to the general of the Greeks.
MENELAUS.
Good night, my lord.
Good night, my lord.
HECTOR.
Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.
Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.
THERSITES.
Sweet draught! 'Sweet' quoth 'a?
Sweet sink, sweet sewer!
A sweetcesspool! ‘Sweet’ he says?
Sweet toilet, sweet sewer!
ACHILLES.
Good night and welcome, both at once, to those
That go or tarry.
Good night and welcome, both at the same time, to those
who are going and those who are staying.
AGAMEMNON.
Good night.
Good night.
Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS
ACHILLES.
Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
Keep Hector company an hour or two.
Old Nestor is staying; and you, Diomedes,
keep Hector company for an hour or two.
DIOMEDES.
I cannot, lord; I have important business,
The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.
I cannot, Lord; I have important business,
which must be dealt with now. Good night, great Hector.
HECTOR.