Vagabond

by Brewer, J. D.

  But then, I realized it didn’t matter. I didn’t need to figure out my past, because all that mattered now was where I was headed.

  The fields moved past me, and so did memories.

  They filled me full of missing.

  And I missed everyone.

  I missed Mama.

  “It’s a healthier snack for when you study,” Mama said. She sliced the peaches and placed them on the dehydrator. I kept wanting to eat each slice she set down, and she slapped my hand playfully every time I reached for one to put in my mouth.

  “Instead of being a nuisance, why don’t you help cut, my bratty child?” She smiled in ways that only existed on her face. The way the sunlight landed on her cheeks through the window softened her features, and there was perfection in everything imperfect about her.

  I grabbed another knife and cutting board to help, but when the peach met my hand, the soft skin looked too inviting. I ripped my teeth into it and held it in my mouth in defiance. I must have looked ridiculous, because all Mama could do was enter into an incurable laughter.

  I missed Daddy.

  “Pump your legs, hon. It’ll make you go higher.”

  “Higher?” I squeaked.

  I couldn’t imagine the swing going any higher than it already was. Daddy’s soft hands pushed at me every time I swung back, but I was already high enough.

  “Yes. Just move your body with the swing. It adds weight to the momentum.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  Daddy laughed. “It’s okay, Niko. You can do it. You can do anything and everything.”

  I missed Randolf.

  “Go on! Try it,” Randolf insisted.

  “Rabbit? No way!”

  “You’re telling me, you had no idea this was in store when we set up the trap?”

  “I didn’t much think about it. I was just so excited to catch one. I thought we’d—“

  “What? Turn it into a pet?”

  I laughed. It wasn’t like I hadn’t seen animals skinned before. We did autopsies all the time on failed and successful experiments. I guess it was just that the rabbits in a lab were in cages from the moment I saw them. They were subjects. I watched this one hop about, wiggle its nose, and lose its freedom. It made me sympathetic towards it.

  “Fine. Give me a leg,” I said.

  I missed Celeste.

  “Whoooooahhhh! Niko! You got it!” Celeste screamed.

  The train picked up speed, and my hair bit at my face. My heart raced and scurried past me, and Celeste danced up next to me. We were surfing the train, holding our balance against all the forces pushing against us.

  I stood up and spread my arms against the wind. It almost felt like the steady gusts would pull me away so I could soar through the clouds like a bird— like my laughter.

  “I’m doing it!” I yelled. My knees were bent. My balance was steady. “I’m doing it!”

  I missed Polo.

  “Hey!” Mari screamed.

  “Gottcha!” Polo laughed and ran.

  The mud dripped down Mari’s face and onto the shirt she just scrubbed. Then, the same fate met me. I reached up into my hair and felt the gooey blob of wet dirt.

  “You’re going to die!” Mari yelled and began to chase him into the river.

  I followed suit. I reached in and dug my fingers into the muddy bank. The dirt wedged into my nails and the crevices of my fingers as I balled it, retracted my arm, and aimed.

  It was a pretty good shot. I got him square on the forehead.

  I even missed Aeschylus.

  “Happy birthday, Nikomedes!” He pointed to a box that rested on top of my mouse cage.

  “What’s this? It’s not like you to give presents.”

  The old man laughed. “It is now. Just open it.”

  I tore through the brown paper. A white lab coat was folded into it. I pulled it out and admired the fabric of it.

  “You can’t wear that ratty thing to your interview,” Aeschylus said as he tugged at the stained collar of the coat I had on.

  “Hey! You were the one who spilled the— Wait. What? Interview?”

  “You have a chance at an internship at the G.E.G. next summer. That’s the other part of your present.”

  Being alone did funny things to the brain. There was no one there to distract me from my thoughts. There was no one there to help me figure out what it all meant.

  Xavi wanted to explain, but I didn’t want to hear.

  He’d been all I heard for too long, and I needed him out of my head or I’d never be able to think for myself.

  His thumb moved along my cheek, and his forehead touched mine. It never got old… the look Xavi wore in his eyes for me. He picked me up and set me on the branch of the tree. I sat there, with my arms around his neck and fell into the kiss.

  There are certain things you learn about kissing. You learn that talking can be useless and thinking can be painful. You learn how to breath without breathing. You learn how to close your eyes but see everything.

  With Xavi, I thought I could see it all. With Xavi, I thought I could have it all.

  West. I was headed west. I could almost taste the salt on my lips. I could almost feel the sun on my skin. It was the heat I craved, and I wanted to burn off everything that held my heart frozen in fear.

  I wanted to choose the things I feared for once— control them the way they once controlled me. I knew I wouldn’t be good at it at first, but I was willing to give it a go

  I opened my eyes to the moonlight that filtered through the tracks. Lines of pale light alternated on Ono’s chest, and I gasped. I’d fallen asleep with my head nuzzled between his arm and torso.

  I couldn’t move. I just stared. I listened to him breathing, and it was soft and sweet. I felt his heat against my bare skin, and I suddenly wanted more. I traced lines on his chest with my fingers, and he stirred. “Hey there,” he whispered. But I swallowed his words with a kiss.

  And that kiss swallowed both of us again, for the second time that night.

  Nothing but everything existed between us under the tracks.

  I thought of no one else. I carried no burdens. No guilts. No shame.

  Until it was over again. He fell asleep with his head on my shoulder, and I felt trapped. My stomach was warm and twisted as truth and fear settled down on top of me.

  What did we do?

  The train began to slow, and I readied myself for the jump. I let out a laugh as the wind ripped at my hair. I leaned out of the car and created a triangle out of my body. It wasn’t time to jump yet. I still had about a minute to soak in the fresh air beating against my face.

  Freedom. I found it blooming in my stomach. I found it filling me with hope.

  I’d be fine.

  I knew how to take care of myself, because I could put my past behind me and move forward.

  Nothing else mattered.

  Only the here.

  Only the now.

  That’s the only thing left to live between anyhow.

  Xavi’s Epilogue

  Niko. It’d been an entire year since I helped her escape the barracks, but I saw her everywhere.

  I saw her on every train.

  I saw her in every face.

  I saw her near every campfire.

  I even saw her in rust. Rust? It was stupid, but I saw her in rust.

  I couldn’t escape her.

  I could see her, but I couldn’t find her. I waited for months, but she never showed up to the lake. I asked about her everywhere. I even used the name Knucs that Ono had given her when I’d do Roll Call, but nothing. It was as if she disappeared completely.

  Weeks turned into months and months into a year, and I was running out of time.

  Ono still had time though. He still had a year in his tour of duty.

  We’d practically been brothers our entire lives, and it was hard to begrudge each other for what happened. It didn’t mean Ono was willing to give her up any more than I was, but at least we didn’t hat
e each other for it. I was thankful for that.

  The table stretched out between us. It was made of smooth black glass. Everything in Ono’s house was made of glass. Even the walls were giant, ceaseless windows that let in too much light.

  Chancellor Petrakis entered, and Ono and I stood up to salute him. He clapped his hand on my back. “I’ve heard great things about you, my boy! Are you ready for your Celebrity tour?”

  “Um?”

  “Don’t blush, Tycho. You’ll learn to love it. Best years of my life, I tell you.” He winked, and my skin crawled. There was only one person I wanted to be with. “I heard you’ve given more intel in one year than most gather during their entire tour infiltrating the Terrorists. Then, to multiply that by nearly four years… to sacrifice even more of your time than is required to help the cause?” He shook is head and laughed. “The Republic thanks you for your service.” He started to walk towards the front door. “Ono, you both deserve a nip of Whiskey. You’re men now. Go ahead and enjoy a glass on me.”

  When the door closed behind him, I collapsed into the seat. Ono shook his head and let out the breath he was holding.

  “He hasn’t changed much,” I said.

  “That’s an understatement.” Ono went to the cabinet for his father’s whiskey. “Might as well, right?” he asked as he poured two glasses. “We’re men now, after all.”

  I’d missed Ono. I missed how he made a joke of everything around him. He always saw the bright side, and he always did the right thing. “What happened?” he asked. He wasn’t going to tip-toe around why we were both sitting in his kitchen with broken hearts.

  Neither of us wanted to have this conversation, but I had to tell him. “I don’t know where to start,” I admitted.

  My friend laughed. It was a laugh I knew better than my own. “The beginning is usually the best place to start.”

  “Okay, then. Let’s see… The beginning? It all seems so long ago.” I took a deep breath and exhaled. “I got my orders and set out, but I got lost in the woods. With all my training, I went and got myself lost. Living out there was nothing like our training suggested because it was always changing. I was out of food and almost out of water, and I didn’t know what to do. That’s when I met Annabeth and learned that Vagabonds are good at helping each other out of trouble.”

  Ono laughed. “True. Knucs got me out of a few scrapes.”

  Knucs. The way he said it clawed at me. He loved her. How could he not? I pushed past it and continued. “Annabeth started to teach me about the subtleties of the Tracks. She did more though. She kept trying to make me blush, and she’d strip down in front of me like modesty never existed. I was just a game to her. I realize now that she knew I was a spy, and she hoped to corrupt me. I tried to be nonchalant about it, but it backfired. She pulled me in, and I did things with her that weren’t exactly approved by the G.E.G. I even thought I had feelings for her, and I hated myself for it. A week after I finally slept with her, we stumbled upon some others. I woke up the next morning, and she was gone. Just like that. Gone. I felt so stupid. For her, I betrayed my family and country… I betrayed Humanity.

  “After Annabeth left, I was so confused. Right and wrong got all tangled up in each other. It wasn’t just Annabeth that tortured me, though. I kept meeting people. Good people. Wonderful people. And the more people I met, it became harder and harder to see them as Terrorists. With Annabeth gone, I started thinking about all the mistakes I made in the past. Remember Aspasia?”

  Ono nodded.

  “I heard she got rehabilitated to the 18th. I wanted to check on her. I wanted to make sure she was happy. I thought if I could just see she was happy, then I’d know I was fighting for the right thing— that the G.E.G. had a plan. I’d carried so much guilt about her, that I had to be sure she was okay. But before I got there, I stumbled across Niko. She was snot-faced and wretched, and she was a smart ass from the start. Something about her made me want to help her, and it was easier to put my energy into showing her how to survive than to think about the other stuff. I only had a year left in my tour by the time our paths collided. I kept calling in to tell, my uncle— do you remember him? General Tripoli? I kept telling him he couldn’t extract me yet because I was onto something big. I fed him every scrap I could so I could stay out there, but I only stayed because of Niko. She was so perceptive and clever and smart, that I began to learn things from her instead of the other way around. I forgot about Annabeth, and the war, and the responsibility.

  “The first time I tried to kiss Niko, we were interrupted by a man named Randolf. With him in the picture, I had to give her space, and the more space I gave her, the more I remembered my responsibility. I was on a mission, and it was more important than how I felt about her. To top it off, Niko has this way of making people trust her. Randolf showered her with stories, and I pretended not to care or listen. But Niko was getting so much intel out of him without realizing it. Then, he died. Hypothermia. Between losing her parents and Randolf, I think she started to feel a bit cursed.

  “When we first met a girl named Celeste, I was thankful, because she taught Niko to laugh again. That was when I started getting pressure from General Tripoli. The Department of Human Relations wouldn’t get off his back, because I kept putting off my Celebrity tour. I searched for anything and everything to send up the chain in terms of intel to prove I was close to something big and couldn’t be extracted. The truth? I didn’t want to leave Niko. Celeste was teaching her to be so steady on her feet, and I knew she didn’t need me anymore. Celeste dropped hints upon hints that she was willing to take her off my hands, but I couldn’t bare the thought of sending Niko away. It was selfish of me, because I knew I was trying to keep her when I wasn’t allowed to have her. When Celeste left, Niko started getting antsy. I think she regretted not going with Celeste, and she started to be annoyed by how protective I was.”

  Ono shifted in his seat and took a sip of his whiskey. Talking about Niko in this way made his eyelids droop slightly and his polite smile disappear completely, but I had to get through it. I had to tell it all. “About this time, a boy named Polo came into the picture. I can’t begin to explain how jealous he made me, and it was terrifying. It took my mission and ripped it to shreds, because I could tell she liked him. I wedged my way in between them and dropped all the hints that she was Claimed. For the longest time, she never realized all the subtle ways I tried to protect her from unwanted advances, but to be honest, I couldn’t bare the thought of her with someone else. It took a few weeks, but I eventually talked her into ditching the whole lot of them. Polo and his sister Mari were with two others. Goldie and Oldie we called them, and I was under the impression they were parting ways too. Oldie had dropped so many hints that she was important, and I called her in so I could give another piece intel that would let me stay. I couldn’t know the mistake I was making. I couldn’t see into the future, and I screwed up. I screwed up bad.”

  I took a deep breath and tried not to think of the deaths I’d caused. “When we left them, I wanted to take Niko to my favorite lake. The entire walk, all I wanted to do was grab her and kiss her, but she was pissed at me about leaving Polo and Mari. I could tell she was so tired of my crap, and I knew I was about to lose her. When we got to the lake, I went for it. I kissed her, but I got so lost in the moment. After all the wanting I’d been putting off, I couldn’t control myself, and I went too far. She pushed me away, and before I could fix the situation, Polo and the others showed up.

  “I didn’t realize Mari and Goldie had formed a certain bond, but between the moment we left them and the moment they showed up, the two girls somehow became attached at the lips. Goldie and Oldie showing up also meant the Militia would be in our midst sooner than later. I hurried into the forest to cancel the order, but my com had no service. I wandered, trying to get patched through, until darkness came. I didn’t have time to get through. I had to get Niko and go, but when I got back, the soldiers were already there. Luckily, Niko and Polo
had left the fire. I saw them running towards the others. She tried to stop Polo, but couldn’t. I grabbed her before she could follow him, because the boy was lost—“

  Ono sighed. “Polo survived. Rebels intervened.”

  “How do you know?”

  “We ran into him the night of the raid on the train. I know what you mean by jealousy.” Ono scowled. “He took Niko on a walk. Draped his arm around her like she was his.”

  I nodded, but I couldn’t be angry. Polo cared about Niko. “Niko didn’t react well to his death, not that I could blame her. It was like death was following her around by that point. There was a new wall up between us, and it gave me room to feel a new guilt. This time, her pain was my fault. If I hadn’t called it in, Polo and Mari would be alive. I’m glad he’s okay. I genuinely am. He’s a good guy, and I hated that I was the cause of his and Mari’s death. See what I mean? It’s hard to think of them as Terrorist. Some of them are just kids trying to survive.”

  I took a sip of the whiskey and let it engulf my throat as it traveled down. “I was tired of the secrets, and I finally started to tell her about Annabeth. I started to tell her about everything. But then she kissed me, and I didn’t want to ruin it. It was the first kiss of many, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. From that kiss on, I was so careful and aware of all of her stopping points. Then one night I overstepped.

  “Did you—?” Ono couldn’t finish the question.

  “No,” I whispered. I bulldozed through the hurt blanketing his face. “I was stupid. I wanted more than I was allowed to have, and when she rejected me, it reminded me that she was right to do it. I’d been lying to her, but instead of just coming clean, I started picking fights with her. I started remembering the genetic dangers of what I wanted, and I didn’t know how to tell her that her struggles were my struggles. She’d dreamed of working for the G.E.G., you know, and we were both terrified that we were turning our backs on Humanity by falling in love. We had so many ingrained beliefs that lined right up, but I wasn’t sure I believed them anymore.