Forbidden Faith

by T. J. West

  I’ve tried to approach my dad about what he’s doing and how it’s wrong. Yet he won’t listen to me. He’s only thinking about his business, his money making life. I don’t know how he became this way, but I wasn’t going to let him ruin my life. I’ve started to wonder if my parents had an arranged marriage as well? My father is never affectionate with my mother so now I question their entire marriage.

  I’ll have to tell him the truth about me and Lucas soon.

  I’ve been sneaking out of the house and going to Lucas’ while my parents go do their mingling; they are always gone so they rarely ever miss me. I am 19 yrs old and I still feel like a child. I really want to get out of this house, but I don’t have any other place to go to. While I am taking some business college classes, my dad wants me to continue working for him. It’s the last thing I want to do, I am feeling controlled and tied down. It’s impossible to get out of his hold on me.

  Being with Lucas makes me feel free, like I have something to look forward to. I hate my college. I hate everything about it; the people mostly. They are all so stuck up and have no lives. My dream is to be with Lucas, to travel with him and his music—wherever he goes, I want to go with him. Furthermore I want to open a hotel someday and make a name for myself.

  Lucas moved in recently with his best friend, Danny. For some odd reason, Danny doesn’t seem to care for me. I don’t know why or what I did, but he makes me uncomfortable.

  Danny is out so it was nice to have the place to ourselves. We ordered pizza, watched a movie and ended our evening in bed. God, I loved being in bed with Lucas. How he makes me feel—there are just no words. “Your dad is not gonna appreciate us being together.”

  I just told Lucas I was ready to tell my parents about us. “My dad has no say in who I fall in love with. I don’t care where you’re from, who your family is. None of that means anything to me. What matters is who you are in there.” I kiss his naked chest, over his heart. “Your heart, spirit and character is what I have fallen for.”

  “You’re in love with me?” He asks surprisingly.

  “Yes.”

  He just looks at me and sweeps the hair away from my eyes, like he is trying to memorize this moment. “I love you too, so much so that it scares the shit out of me,” he huskily confesses. I felt my heart swell with overjoy hearing him say those words. “I don’t want to see you get hurt, especially because of me.”

  “You are not going to hurt me. Since the moment I met you I have been able to see my dad more clearly; how horrible he is. I was so naive and blinded by him. You’ve helped me see him for who he really is.”

  “Then you know what he’s capable of, right?” His brows form into a scowl. “He can tear us apart.”

  That thought terrified me. I had to believe it wouldn’t happen. “Not if we let him he won’t. You and I will travel the world and make beautiful music together. You are talented, giving, selfless and hot.”

  “Hot?” he grins.

  “Yes, so very hot,” I say playfully.

  He kisses me and then becomes serious again. “Promise me something?”

  “Anything.”

  “No matter what happens to us—“

  “Nothing -”

  He stops me from saying anything and puts his finger on my lips. “Listen to me. No matter what happens. . . . . never lose faith in me.”

  I lightly gasp. It was almost as if he was saying goodbye. I know that’s silly, I mean really, we’re going to be walking this earth together until the fat lady sings. “I will always have faith in you, no matter what. You have me.”

  I couldn’t let my mother see Lucas. Although I don’t think she’ll remember him, I still didn’t want him up here. Having a small reunion is not something I’m ready for.

  “Who was that on the phone, Faith?”

  “No one. . . . . . just security letting me know they are closing up for the night.”

  My mother came to San Diego a week earlier than planned. I was really surprised when I got a phone call saying she was on her way over from the airport. She looked beautiful and carefree standing in my doorway; her black hair was newly styled in a short bob and her orange sun dress brightened up her blue eyes. I could tell how happy she was—it made me happy to see her this way.

  She comes out from the bathroom looking cheerful and energized. “Now where were we?”

  I hate letting her down, but I just didn’t have it in me to talk about the grand opening party anymore. “Mom, I’m rather tired. Can we talk about the opening, tomorrow?”

  “Oh. . . . yes, of course. I’ll just head on over to my suite.” She gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek. “Good night.”

  “Mom?” I stopped her before she went out the door. “I’m really glad you came early. I’ve missed you.”

  She drops her suitcase and envelops me into her arms. “And I have missed you.” I didn’t want to let her go. With my life being so chaotic and busy, I hadn’t realized just how much I have missed and needed my mother until this very moment.

  After she left I changed into a silk nightie and poured myself a glass of wine. I wasn’t all that tired, I just needed a moment alone. I thought about calling Lucas and asking him why he showed up here tonight. I thought we had said everything that needed to be said? Well. . . . I said everything that needed to be said—who knows what was on his mind? Okay, now I was really curious. I put my glass down and reached for my phone. I was ready to dial June to get Lucas’ number when my doorbell rings. I wasn’t in the mood for any visitors; I should have told security to turn away anyone who wanted to visit.

  I open my door. “Phillip.” It’s been almost four weeks since I told him to leave me alone. He’s been strangely quiet and hasn’t even tried to contact me. I have a feeling he knows I can no longer be with him. “Come in.”

  “Hi,” he says as he gives me a kiss on the cheek. “You okay?”

  Ugh, why is he being so nice to me! “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired that’s all.”

  “Good.”

  I lead him further inside the living area and grab my wine. “Would you like a glass?” I offer.

  He shakes his head. Instead he asks, “I was hoping we could talk?”

  I sigh and put my glass back down. I knew this was coming. “Phillip -”

  “Are we over?” I stare at him blankly. “Faith, I need to know.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I whisper. I want to cry for hurting him.

  “Is there someone else?”

  Oh, God, why does he have to go there? I tell him the truth anyways. “Yes.”

  His shoulders slump and he slightly bows his head. The silence in the huge suite is awkward; I want to down my wine and forget about him being in my presence, forget that I am ruining his night.

  “Okay,” he shrugs. “Well, I guess this is it then?”

  “I don’t know what else to say. I’m just so sorry, Phillip. I really am.”

  “Look, I knew what I was getting myself into. You gave me what you could and I led myself on. My fault. I just hope whoever caught your heart will make you happy.”

  Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with him instead of dragging my heart into the dirt with Lucas? I just can’t help what’s inside my heart, what I feel for Lucas—whether or not we will ever work things out.

  He walks to the door, reaching for the handle. “We’ll keep in touch,” he promises.

  Leaning on the kitchen island, I reply softly, “Right. Of course.”

  We have to keep in touch. He is still working for me and my father. It won’t be easy being around him as nothing more than boss and client, but I am a professional—I know how to keep things in, I have been trained that way from the master.

  Once Phillip leaves I down that glass of wine like it’s the last liquid on earth. I pour one more glass and sit out on my balcony and look out at the darkness of my beautiful city; I hear the cars passing by and hear and see the roaring of a plane going up into the dead of night—what a sight. Here I am, alo
ne, when I could have been in bed with Phillip, letting him cherish my body. Yet I have chosen to let him go. It was the right thing to do.

  The next morning, after breakfast, mom and I went over her plans for the opening. She was up bright and early, and extremely excited to get started. I, however, was in a bit of a slump. Too much wine and not enough sleep was definitely not the best decision I could have made for myself last night; I worried about Phillip and what I had done to him. I know he’s a big boy and will find the right person, but I still felt so horrible. Anyhow, I did the best I could to be cheery for my mother. She was flawlessly radiant with her amazing pink summer dress and heel sandals. I loved her classy style.

  I was hoping to take her down to the pool later on for an early swim, but she was ready to discuss her plans. “Those are amazing plans mom!” I was so impressed and almost asked her to stay so she can work for me full time. I wanted her away from my father, away from his annoying selfish parties—I was good and didn’t say a thing.

  “You really think so?”

  “Believe me, they are.”

  “Good,” she says, happily. “Now for the music. Shall we have a D.J. or live band? Which would you prefer?”

  “A band would be best. June would be so upset if I didn’t get her to use one of her bands,” I chuckle.

  “Wonderful! I think that covers every base. Now that we have all this covered I need to tell you exactly why I’m here a week early.”

  “Is everything okay? You’re not ill are you?”

  “No, no I’m not ill, but your father is.”

  What? “Faith,” she began. “. . . . .he’s dying . . . stage four lung cancer.” Dying? This unexpected news really threw me in for a loop. I think I lost my breath for a moment. “He wants to see you.”

  This is just too much. “I can’t, mom,” I whisper.

  “I know the pain he caused you and I don’t blame you for not ever trusting him again, but he’s still your father.” Does she know he hit me the last day I ever spoke to him? Does she even know about the check? “I just don’t want you to regret not saying goodbye.”

  We were quiet for a couple minutes; I am trying to wrap my brain around the fact that my father is dying. Hell, he hurt me so bad I just don’t know how to get past that. Yet would I hate myself if I didn’t open my heart up one last time to say goodbye?

  “How much longer does he have?”

  She sighs, “Two, three months, tops.”

  Wow, that’s way sooner than I expected; I don’t even know how to feel about this. However, I was more worried about my mother. “Are you okay? How are you handling this?”

  “I’ve been taking my medication if that’s what you were implying?”

  “No, I wasn’t,” I grab onto her hand. “But I’m glad you’re staying on track.”

  “I was going to leave your father, divorce him.”

  Holy shit! My mom is really making my head spin right now. “What?”

  “But when I found out he was dying I just couldn’t do it.” I have nothing to say. I am in complete shock, so I let her continue while I listen. “I became tired of our marriage; dining with clients every week, charity balls every weekend. Having to play the perfect wife all the time was exhausting. Even though I loved your father it took me 19 years to realize I couldn’t handle it anymore. What tipped me over the edge was how poorly he treated that young man you were in love with. I could see how happy you were with him, how much you changed, grew up.”

  Wow, she remembers? She remembers Lucas? “Really?”

  “Yes.” She places a piece of hair behind my ear like she has always done in the past. “I liked him. He was very polite and treated you like a queen. That is the kind of man I want for my daughter, whether he is poor or rich. Doesn’t matter, just as long as he makes you happy,” she smiles.

  I shake my head in disbelief. “Why didn’t you ever say anything to me, to Dad? Make him understand?” I can’t believe she never told me this before.

  “Because your father was an asshole.” She quickly covers her mouth, like she couldn’t believe she just said that word.

  “Mom!” I snort. Not once have I ever heard my mother curse before.

  “It’s true! . . . plus I’m just not as strong as you are. I wasn’t able to confront him, stand up for you or myself. You’re strong like he is; so determined, persistent. It’s what I love most about you.”

  “You didn’t have to stay with him because he’s sick.”

  “I did, Faith, I did,” she shrugs with a sad smile. “He’s got no one else. . . . .believe it or not he’s changed since he’s been ill . . . he asks about you all the time. He misses his little girl.”

  If only I could believe that, I would jump on the next plane and see him. Then again, maybe I need to try to be the bigger person and do this for my mom? “Will you come home, please?” Her eyes are pleading with me, to give my father one more chance before he takes his last breath.

  I can’t get my words out; my tongue is dry and my heart is aching—aching to feel like the last time I loved my father the way I had when I was a little girl. I looked up to him. He was my hero, the man who chased the monsters away from underneath my bed, the one who gave me butterfly kisses and the one who let me get dirty in my best Sunday dress. I missed my daddy. I miss the way he held my hand everywhere we went. I miss the way he called me princess or when he took me to get a cupcake every Friday after school. I miss that person so much it hurts. He changed dramatically the moment I turned 19 and I’ll never understand why.

  I can’t verbally answer my mother because the word “yes” can’t reach my tongue—I nod instead. Although my eyes feel heavy with unshed tears I can’t even begin to cry. I don’t want to cry—not yet.

  I get up from the sofa and retrieve a bottled water from the fridge. I welcome the cold beverage going down my throat, which helps the dryness in my mouth disappear. I head back over to the sofa and give my mom a water when June texts me.

  “JINKS is playing at Reds tonight. Come watch!”

  June would kick my ass if I didn’t go. I really don’t want to see Danny tonight, considering how much he despises me. His threats certainly bothered me. Although, I think it just may be the perfect way to get him back. Scaring me is exactly what he wanted to do and I won’t let him win.

  “Mom, would you want to go see a band play tonight?”

  “What kind? Jazz, Blues?”

  I shake my head and chuckle. “Uh, no, nothing like that. A rock band called JINKS. It’s one of June’s new signed bands.”

  “Well, that sounds like fun! I would love to!”

  I am really surprised. “Really?”

  She puts her hands on her hips. “Hey, I’ll have you know I used to go to concerts all the time before I married your father.”

  “Seriously?” I snort. “You never told me that?” The things I am finding out about my mom—I never imagined!

  “Seriously. My favorite band was Guns N’ Roses.”

  “Get out!”

  “Yep. Saw them in concert more times than I can count.”

  “That’s awesome! I love Guns N’ Roses!”

  “I was so in love with Axl Rose,” she admits dreamingly.

  I laugh, “You are seriously trippin me out right now! What other secrets are you hiding from me?”

  Mom laughs along with me. “I say we go to the mall and buy ourselves something nice for tonight,” she suggests.

  Forget the pool! We are going shopping!

  From the horrible night I had last night, to the tragic news I learned about my father, it sure felt nice to laugh and spend the remaining day shopping with my mom till we dropped. In fact I think we bought the entire mall, we bought so much stuff. Well a girl cannot have too many shoes, new panties and bras—oh and at least a dozen or so new dresses.

  Getting dressed up with my mother was so much fun. I felt like a teenager all over again going out with my best friend. It was definitely a change in how things used
to be. I don’t ever remember a time when she took me shopping. We used to go on a lot of trips together, while my dad stayed behind for business. We never bonded over shopping or did anything fun together. Mom usually stayed cooped up in the hotel while the nanny took me out. As I became older I would do things on my own. I had always envisioned our relationship to grow, to become what it is today. It makes me smile that we are getting a second chance. Plus, it’s really great to see her so happy. I believe being away from my father was the best medicine for her. Having a history of depression I am grateful she hasn’t had a relapse since having to stay, and care for him—I’d hate for anything to happen to her. So when she mentioned hiring a live in nurse, I was relieved; she knew she wouldn’t be able to do it all on her own.

  I didn’t tell Mom we were seeing Lucas play. I had a strange feeling she was going to figure it out all on her own.

  “Mrs. M., you look amazing!” June exclaims.

  June and my mother met a couple times during college. She’d come out for the day and take us to lunch or dinner, then head back home the next day.

  My mom looked dazzling in her new black and white flowered skirt and off the shoulder black blouse; her hair was sleek and shiny.

  She has a bit of doubt in her voice when she asks, “You really think so?”

  June is awesome and praises her. “Hell yes! I am so glad you came!” We walk over to a small rounded table and order a drink. “The guys want to have a few farewell plays before they head out on tour next month,” June suddenly mentions.

  She catches me off guard. “What did you say?”