[In Distress 02.0] In Pain

by Caethes Faron

  “Maybe. Maybe in a few decades. But right now all I can do is send a message about server space. And then I can go to lunch and look around at my best friends, my family, and see their pain. I can right the wrongs that were done to them.”

  “Ask any of them, and they’d much prefer you stuck to the task at hand. We all want justice, but we want it for more than ourselves. We want it for all of our people.”

  “I don’t know if I can give them that. But I can give them justice for themselves.”

  “It won’t help your guilt over Kaleana.”

  “I told you, I don’t feel guilt over her death anymore. This isn’t about that. I can make a difference here.”

  “You can make a difference with me. You’ve fulfilled your obligation to the men under this roof, an obligation that you took on yourself without any of us asking you to. It may seem like just sending messages to you, just hacking a computer program, just authorizing production on collars, but it makes a bigger difference than anything you could do to a single Alpha.”

  “It’s not the same. Stalking, attacking, seeing real results, it’s all an outlet for me, a way to get my frustrations out. I know it’s different for you, and I would never presume that my life has been anywhere near as difficult as yours has been, but I can’t tell you what it’s like to continually work in this movement, to want change more than I’ve wanted anything, and to continually come up short. I want the same things you do, but I can’t keep working toward something that may never come in my lifetime. I need to see here, now, that things are different because of me.”

  “Malcolm, you know I love you. No one has ever impressed me more than you have, and I know no one else ever will, but this is a waste of your talents. You could hire a Beta to do the same thing for you.” Malcolm moved to speak and Will rose his hand to halt him. “I know that would defeat the purpose, but my point is that no one else can do what you’re doing with the movement. Do you understand that? I know you’ve lost hope that this can all really happen soon enough to make a difference to the people you care about, and that’s fine. I have enough hope for both of us. The only thing that has ever threatened that hope is Oculus threatening to remove you.”

  “It might be for the best.”

  “Bullshit.” The surge of fury that swept through Will’s veins settled in his clenched fists. This went beyond a disagreement with his lover. This affected much more than the two of them. “If you are removed as leader of the movement, then I have no doubt in my mind that the system will be just as bad as it is today on the day I die.” Nothing could have torn his gaze from Malcolm’s eyes. He needed him to see the truth of what he said, to let it settle deep into his bones until Malcolm believed just as deeply as he did.

  “I can still help. I can still be an operative.”

  “You know that’s not enough. It wasn’t enough for you before, and it won’t be enough now. I wish things were different. I wish we could go out there together and destroy every person who has hurt us. Actually, if I’m wishing for things, I wish this collar wasn’t around my neck and there were no such things as castes or Geneticists.” Will shook his head. He was going around in circles here, but maybe that would prove his point better than anything else. “That last wish can come true, Malcolm, I know it can, but only if you’re on board. If you let this happen, if you let Oculus take over, you’ll regret it. Not right away, but you will. We’ve weathered a lot together, but I don’t know if we’d make it through that. It would kill you inside.”

  Malcolm looked off to the side. Will could see the slight movement that meant he was lightly biting his cheek. At this point, he could only wait to see what determination Malcolm would make. More words would do nothing to convince him. A few more seconds and Malcolm nodded his head then turned back to Will. Nothing in his eyes revealed what decision he had come to.

  “I can’t promise you anything. I wish I could, but it would only be a lie. What I can tell you is that I’m going to try. Now, give me something to do.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Malcolm’s tab vibrating in his pocket pulled his attention from lunch. Without Kaleana there to chastise him for attending to work matters while he forbade the others to, he pulled out his tab. No one had been paying attention to him anyway, so they wouldn’t notice if he took a minute to see what it was. His eyes scanned over the message from Geneticist Grey, the head of the committee in charge of evaluating the new collars.

  As if some telepathic link existed between them, Will had moved from his conversation with Carson to sit next to him. “What is it?”

  By this time, the others had noticed Will’s movement and all eyes were looking at Malcolm.

  “It’s a report from the Geneticists. They’ve concluded that the new collar was not at fault for Kaleana’s death.” The words came easier than he would have thought, but he paused for a moment to make sure he had control of his voice. To his relief, there appeared to be no catch in his throat. “They have decided to move forward with a pilot program.”

  Before he could finish the last word, Will threw his arms around his neck. “I told you this would work.” The whispered words tickled Malcolm’s ear as the rest of the boys reacted to the news with cheers and exclamations. The warmth and love around him surrounded the hollowness in his chest but didn’t fill it.

  “Yes, well, they haven’t worked out all of the details of the program yet, but they wanted me to know so I could be prepared. They’ll finalize the size and scope of the pilot at a later date.”

  “I think this calls for a little celebration,” Tony said.

  “Good idea. Let’s go to the beach.” Nick jumped up from his chair.

  Tony cast an expectant gaze on Malcolm. The beach was the furthest thing from Malcolm’s mind. His first inclination was to excuse himself, but Tony’s gaze wouldn’t let him. The opportunity for the family to spend celebratory time together took precedence. “All right. Let’s go.”

  * * *

  Malcolm watched as Rufus, Will, Nick, and Stu played volleyball with a beach ball. Syrus and Carson lay on loungers with their eyes closed, enjoying the warmth of the sun a little ways from the noise. Tony had taken the seat next to Malcolm. This was what he wanted more than anything in the world. Just this. A happy family, a safe and comfortable home. A place where they all belonged, secure in the knowledge that they were all loved and valued. At this moment he could believe that his dream was reality, but unease lurked omnipresent in the background. Every smile, laugh, and even the loving warmth were all fleeting, susceptible to being swept away in an instant with a single gust of wind. “I wonder if life will ever move forward.”

  “It is. We may not like it, but it is.” Tony’s soothing tone made it easy to talk to him. He always had comfort to give when needed.

  “But how do I move forward?” Malcolm met Tony’s eyes, searching for answers.

  “That’s an entirely different question. Be gentle with yourself, Malcolm. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.”

  He doubted Tony would be so kind if he knew what Malcolm had done in the forest to Vincent. Tony’s gentle, loving nature would in all likelihood take offense at Malcolm’s actions. Even knowing that, Malcolm wouldn’t hesitate to give the same treatment to the man who had ripped Tony’s life from him.

  “But how does it stop? When is it enough?” Every day he went longer without thinking of her, but the instant he remembered her, he couldn’t help feeling that he disrespected her memory by forgetting her for a moment.

  “It’s always enough.”

  “No, it’s not. I feel like I should remember her constantly. She spent almost every minute of the day with me since the time I was a child. But I don’t know how to live my life like that. I want to hold to the memory of her, but not at the expense of those who are left behind whom I love just as much.” He’d already lost Kaleana; he couldn’t bear the thought that he might lose the rest of his loved ones in the effort to hold on to her.

  Tony di
dn’t reply right away. His gentle face held infinite patience, and the side that wasn’t paralyzed reflected deep thought back at Malcolm.

  “I think you’ve hit on the problem we’re facing. We all loved her. She influenced every part of our lives here. How do we balance loving her memory while living our lives? You know she’d be exasperated with us all if she were here.”

  Without thinking about it, a slight smile lifted Malcolm’s lips. “I’m sure she would have smacked me a couple of times by now.”

  “The thing is, it’s good to remember her, but we need a way to do it. As it is now, you came home and said a few words and that was it. Our lives had changed.”

  That’s why he had wanted her body returned, so they could say their goodbyes and lay her body to rest. When he had failed to bring her home, he had overlooked the other reason it had been so important for him to succeed. “We should have a memorial for her. We all need a chance to say goodbye.”

  “I think you’re right. That’s exactly what we need.” The frank approval in Tony’s eyes made Malcolm wonder if Tony had been leading him to this conclusion all along. Tony turned to face the volleyball game. “Listen up!” The boys stopped playing. “Malcolm’s had an idea.” Tony left it at that, and everyone gathered around. Syrus and Carson joined them. Tony looked to Malcolm to finish the announcement.

  “I want to have a memorial for Kaleana, and I think we should all plan it together.”

  “What a wonderful idea.” As always, Syrus’s approval meant the world to him.

  “Can we put something up for her?” Nick’s question came out uncharacteristically hesitant, and for good reason. Zeds weren’t afforded graves.

  When Malcolm had held out hope of having her returned, all he had thought about was the comfort it would bring to have her buried at her home. There had been no considerations beyond that. Without her here, having something physical to mark her continued presence in their hearts and minds would be perfect. “Of course we can.”

  “It shouldn’t be a grave, though,” Carson spoke from where he sat next to Syrus. “She would have hated that. Besides, it’d make the Betas raise their eyebrows.”

  “I don’t care what the Betas think,” Nick said, sounding like a petulant Alpha child. Malcolm liked it. He didn’t want him to ever sound like a browbeaten Zed.

  “Yeah, well we have to. Just ‘cause they’ve all been loyal so far, doesn’t mean they wouldn’t let it slip that we’ve started havin’ funerals for Zeds.” Carson had been jaded since the day Malcolm had met him, but he’d softened over the years. Kaleana’s death had brought back more of his cynicism.

  “We can come up with something else.” Will directed his response to Nick. “It doesn’t have to look like a memorial. All that matters is that we know what it is.”

  “It sh-sh-should be p-p-pretty.”

  “What are you thinking?” Nick always had a way of knowing when Stuart wanted to say more but held back.

  “She l-l-loved flowers.”

  “But flowers don’t last forever,” Nick said.

  “No, but we can build a flower bed for her, and I can tend it. I think I’d like that.” A serene expression graced Tony’s face. Malcolm didn’t doubt that he’d appreciate the opportunity to dote over Kaleana in this way.

  “We should put it off the walkway that runs past the window of the sunroom. It’d be nice to see it from the sofa in there,” Will said.

  “That sounds perfect.” Malcolm knew he and Will weren’t the only two who had sat on that sofa with her and talked. Whenever she wasn’t with one of them, she had been in that room, painting as she basked in the sun from the window, looking out over the beauty of the grounds.

  “It shouldn’t take long to build it as long as I have some helping hands. We can have a little dedication once it’s complete,” Tony said.

  “Can we say something at the service?” Rufus asked, his voice huskier than usual.

  “Of course. Anyone who wants to can say what they feel. This is for all of us to say goodbye and celebrate her life,” Malcolm said.

  Rufus nodded in silent acknowledgement. Malcolm hoped the memorial would help him. He probably needed it the most. Malcolm knew quite well that just because Rufus was going through the motions, playing volleyball with the others, taking part in family time, didn’t mean that he had a handle on his grief.

  With no further contributions put forth for the memorial, Tony spoke. “We’ve all been hurting this last little while and not without cause. But this memorial is a chance for us to move forward. Kaleana would have never tolerated us becoming as unfocused as we have. She died working for the movement, and ever since she made that sacrifice, we’ve done nothing to make sure she didn’t die in vain. That needs to end now. We’ve all lost focus. Will’s been handling everything with Carson’s help, but it’s time we all take back our fair share of the work. Kaleana would hate it if she knew we were using her as a reason to stall our work.”

  “Yeah, sorry about that, Will. We should have been more helpful,” Nick said.

  “We’ll do b-b-better.”

  “You’re right, Tony.” Rufus turned to Carson. “I want to talk to you tomorrow about what I can do at Panacea.”

  “There’re plenty of choices for you. We’ll get you squared away.”

  “When do you think we can have the memorial, Tony?” Nick asked.

  “If I have some help, we should be able to have it the day after tomorrow. I can put an order in tonight for the materials needed and have them delivered tomorrow.”

  “Then Stu and I will help you with it. Afterward, we should have a meeting to get us all up to date on what we need to be doing.”

  The group buzzed with the energy of anticipation of things to come. “We’ll do that,” Malcolm said. “I’ve gotten as off track as any of you. Will’s been covering for me too. We’ll all get back on track together.” Will was right. Malcolm owed these men nothing less than his best effort in the movement. In the haze of warm companionship and love that united them in the moment, all thoughts of revenge seemed ridiculously out of place. Revenge might be justified, but it didn’t honor the men around him.

  “I’m going to go get started planning. Anyone who wants to help is welcome to join me,” Tony said as he stood.

  With that they all dispersed. On the way back up the path, a heavy hand landed on Malcolm’s shoulder. He turned to see Rufus’s penetrating gaze.

  “Thank you.”

  Malcolm thought those were probably the first words Rufus had spoken privately to him since Kaleana died. In Rufus’s eyes, Malcolm saw the depths of his gratitude. None of them knew how deeply Rufus felt Kaleana’s loss.

  Malcolm placed his hand on Rufus’s shoulder in return. “She deserves the dignity and respect. And we deserve the chance to say goodbye.”

  Will came and took Malcolm’s hand to walk back to the house. Malcolm knew he was committed now. He needed the support of his family, but it also meant holding himself to a higher standard. He couldn’t let them down.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  “Will, what do you need help with today?” Nick asked from the other end of the table.

  Will swallowed his last bite of pancakes. The expectant looks from everyone else around the table led him to believe Nick didn’t ask just for himself.

  “Tony, do you think if everyone else helped with the flower bed you could get it done today?” He appreciated the marked change from days previous, but what Will needed more than anything was for the memorial to happen as soon as possible. He hoped that afterward Malcolm would find it easier to focus wholeheartedly on the movement.

  “I think that’s doable. We can all head out there now. Anything that we need and don’t have, I’ll order straightaway. The nursery should be able to have everything delivered before lunch.”

  “Good. Malcolm and I have some work that we need to do, but if everyone else is all right with helping you, we can have the memorial tomorrow.”

  “I
just need to check on a few things, and then I can join you,” Carson said as he tossed his napkin on the table and pushed his chair back. Everyone else followed his lead, and they dispersed for the day.

  A few minutes after Will had sat down at his computer, he received a message.

  Oculus: Do you have an update for me on the storage issue?

  Ajax: Yes. Lazarus is working on it as we speak.

  Will glanced at where Malcolm sat his desk, working on something. He wouldn’t monitor his every move, but Will felt confident Malcolm was working.

  Oculus: Did you talk to him?

  Ajax: Yes. He’s back at work.

  Oculus: Good, but is he resuming his role as leader?

  Ajax: Yes.

  Oculus: Are you sure? I want him back, but if he’s not ready for it or if he wants to go back to being just an operative, I need to know now.

  Ajax: He’s our leader. We need him. No one is better placed than he to lead us through the changes we’re undertaking.

  Oculus: I haven’t heard from him. That worries me.

  Ajax: We’re having a memorial for the Zed who died. I promise you, after it’s done, he’ll be back.

  Oculus: I hope you’re right.

  Oculus has signed off.

  Will leaned back in his chair and watched Malcolm. He hoped he’d be back in full force after the memorial, but it didn’t seem likely. It thrilled Will that he was in the office today working on the storage problem and planning for the pilot program. Yet something agitated Malcolm. The firm clench of his jaw, the lines carved deep in the corners of his eyes, and the dark circles under his eyes spoke to a difficult task being borne by shoulders already weary from the effort.

  While Will knew the memorial would help some, it seemed doubtful that it would rid Malcolm of the haunted look he carried with him wherever he went. The only thing that had ever settled him in the past was the one thing Will had promised himself he wouldn’t do.