But it wasn’t the reality of any of their worlds. The boys would soon go back to their mom’s, at least for a few days. In January, Ben would be halfway across the world on tour. Renie would be back at school, finishing up her last semester before she moved into her graduate program. And Liv would be out doing the thing that almost killed her only a couple of months ago.
Control? Shit. He had none over that. All he wanted to do was wrap her up and take her with him. But that would be exactly what he’d be doing, just taking her with him. She’d be a thing, not a person, and that was her greatest fear, losing herself for him, or anyone else. Somehow he needed to figure out how to respect that about her, but not go insane with worry at the same time.
“Fret, fret, fret,” she whispered in his ear.
“You caught me.”
“Why the scowl?”
He didn’t realize he’d been scowling, but he supposed it was indicative of his train of thought. “I don’t want this to end.”
“None of us do. But that’s what makes it so special. Otherwise, diminishing returns, and nobody likes that.”
“What?” He wasn’t that he felt dumb around Liv, but sometimes he didn’t feel smart.
“The more you have something, the less and less joy it brings you.”
“Oh no, I don’t agree with that at all. I would be very happy to have your skin on mine all day every day, for the rest of our lives and I would never, I repeat never, experience less joy from it. In fact, I think my joy would only continue to grow.
“While I’m thinking about skin on skin, what do you want to do New Year’s Eve?”
“I guess I know what you want to do.”
Ben’s eyes roamed over the scene in front of him. “It may be what I want to do, but whether I get to or not, that’s another story.”
“Blythe is flying in to Gunnison tomorrow. Oh, I meant to talk to you about that. I’m glad you reminded me. Blythe is Paige and Mark’s daughter, she and Renie have been best friends since kindergarten. Anyway, she’s flying in to ski and hang out for a couple of days. Since we don’t have the room at the Grand any longer—”
“Yes.”
“But you don’t know what I’m going to ask you.”
“I don’t? You aren’t going to ask me if she can stay here?”
“No, as a matter of fact I wasn’t. I was going to ask you if you had any connections in town to help me get a room somewhere. I’ve called everyone, but they’re all booked.”
“Okay. Again, she can just stay here. There’s room.”
“I don’t want to impose Ben.”
He wasn’t sure why, but that set him off. Something twisted inside of him. “Liv, for God’s sake. Really? What are you, a guest here? Is that how you see yourself.”
She got up and headed toward the stairs.
“What are you going to do now? Leave?”
She turned back. Her eyes met his and he watched them fill with tears. She kept her hand on the stair rail as she slowly turned and sat down on one of the steps.
Ben ran his hand over his head and walked back and forth in the kitchen, then hit the counter with his hand. “Shit, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”
He walked over and sat down next to her.
“You said it because we’re pretending. We’re pretending that we know each other. We’re pretending that this is fun, and perfect, and everything we want it to be, but the truth is, we’re all walking on eggshells. Even Luke.”
She was right. The first thing Luke did every morning was come and crawl in bed with them. He’d never done that before. It was as though he was checking to make sure Liv was still there.
“The only person who has expressed and dealt with his feelings is Jake. And I’m including myself in this Ben. I haven’t done it either.”
Ben so wanted things to be okay between them, better than okay, he wanted them to be happy, and have fun. So he avoided not only expressing his feelings, but allowing himself to feel them. Every so often they’d make their way to the surface, but he still tried to force them back down.
Ben put his head in his hands. “You really hurt me Liv.”
“I know I did.”
“Did I hurt you?”
“No, you didn’t. You only scared me. You still scare me.”
“I scare you. As in you’re afraid of me?”
“I’m afraid of this more than I’m afraid of you. I don’t know how to do this. It’s so much easier for me to tell myself that I don’t need anyone else, that I can rely on only myself. I know it isn’t true, but it’s what I’m used to.”
“You rely on Paige, and you rely on Mark. And Dottie and Bill.” He didn’t say Billy, he hoped she didn’t rely on him. “And Renie.”
“With the exception of my daughter, I keep very strict boundaries with everyone you just mentioned, even Paige. Do you know the last time I talked to her?”
“No.”
“Neither do I. It was sometime before Christmas. But see, that’s the thing. It doesn’t matter. We’ll talk when we want to, but we never feel as though we have to.”
“Are you suggesting that’s how you want it to be with us?”
“No. I’m not. But now that I think about it, once Renie goes back to school, I won’t necessarily know when I’ll see her or talk to her again either. What I will know is that when I need to, or she needs to, we will.
“So you see Ben, it’s just the way I am. You need more.”
“No, please tell me we’re not going back to that again.”
“But it’s true. You need more from me than I know how to give.”
“So we’re back at the place we always get to. I love you. I want you in my life. But according to you, I need you too much. Before you say it, I know you’re right. I do need you, all the time. I want you all the time too.” Ben tilted her chin to look at him. “Is that really so bad?”
“Did you hear what I said? Ben, listen to me. You need more than I know how to give. It isn’t that I can’t, or don’t want to, I just don’t know how to.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that maybe I’m trying to learn.”
Chapter 23
Bud and Ginny offered to have the boys spend New Year’s Eve with them; Renie and Blythe planned a night out and had finagled a room at the Grand for the night. Ben and Liv were alone.
After their talk, things weren’t as strained, but they were still tiptoeing around each other. He could feel the anxiety in her building as their time together was coming closer to an end. Or maybe it was his anxiety he was feeling. It was impossible to tell the difference.
He’d be leaving January 10 for Europe and they’d be on tour there for six weeks. New US tour dates were being announced in the next couple of weeks, so even after he got back, he would still be on the road for who knew how long.
Liv was going back to Oklahoma to train with Jolene, and hoped she’d be ready to compete by March. All he knew was that she wanted to get back on that horse and race, as soon as she could.
“We have the night, and the house to ourselves Liv. What should we do about it?” He winked and elbowed her a little.
“I’m thinkin’ we should talk,” she winked back.
Ben pouted a little. “Okay, I told you before how much it turns me on when you say that, so go ahead, you’ve been teasin’ me about it all week. I wanna see this . . . Liv Fairchild is gonna talk.”
“I can’t talk until you stop cowboy.”
Ben made a motion that he was zipping his lips and held his hands out for her to continue.
“I have a plan.”
This he had to hear.
Liv told him that she was going to go to Oklahoma to start training again, but she wasn’t going to leave until he left on tour. If he wanted her to, she’d even stay here with him until then. She admitted she worried about Renie driving home alone, but maybe Blythe could ride with her, and then Liv could catch a flight out of Gunnison when Ben left.
“You’re flying out of Denver, right?”
He nodded.
“Maybe I could fly there with you, that way I’ll be with you as long as possible, you know, before you leave for Europe.”
Liv kept her body next to his the whole time she talked. She could feel him start to speak, he’d inhale a little bit, his muscles would tense up, but then he’d stop himself and not interrupt. They were both getting out of their comfort zones a little bit. She was as proud of him as she figured he was of her.
She went on. “While you’re on tour, I’m going to train, I guess I’ve already said that part. But, here’s the thing, if I feel like it isn’t working, I’m going to quit.”
There he went again, tensing up, Liv put her fingers on his lips to stop him from saying anything.
“I’ll know Ben. I have to try, but I’ll know. If something doesn’t feel right, I’ll know it. On the other hand, if it does feel right, and I believe Micah and I can compete, I’m going to do that too. I should have an idea which it’ll be by the time you get back in March.”
She stopped talking and turned to look at him, indicating he could speak now.
“Now? I can talk now?”
“Mmm hmm.”
He let out a huge sigh. “Wow. That was hard.”
“I bet. Imagine how hard it was for me? I actually had to make plans from now until March,” she laughed. Ben laughed too.
“I could come to Monument with you. Then just leave from there.”
“That wouldn’t create a hardship for you?”
If he did, he wouldn’t see his boys again before he left. Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. “The boys.”
“That’s what I was thinking.”
She’d already been here a week, but she was offering to stay another ten days. That looked like trying to him. And she was thinking about him.
“You’re sure—”
“Shh.” Liv put her fingers over his lips again. “Just go with it. Do you mind if I start some laundry? If I’m going to stay, I need to wash some clothes.”
“No, not at all, go ahead.” Ben answered, as though he was in a Twilight Zone episode and couldn’t figure out who the alien was who had descended into his kitchen.
When she left the room, he sat forward on the sofa a little, put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. It looked as though the new year was going to be all about crazy-ass-shit happening when he least expected it.
Liv came back in and sat down next to him. She tucked her legs under her and leaned into him. “Ben?”
“Yeah?” He looked over at her, but kept his elbows on his knees.
“I’ve never done this. I barely remember the few months I lived with Scott, it all went by so fast. I was a kid, a nineteen-year-old kid. Renie is two years older than I was when Scott was killed. Work with me, okay?”
He leaned back, put his arm around her and pulled her closer to him. “I’m probably guilty of the same thing. I was either on the road, drunk, or overwhelmed the whole time I was married to Christine. I didn’t know what I was doing then any more than I do now.”
He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “So what do you want to do now?”
“I was thinking we could go over to your parents’ house and spend some time with them and the boys.”
“Really?”
“Mmm hmm, as long as we’re back here by eleven or so. I have some ideas about what I want to be doing at midnight cowboy.”
***
“These have been the best two weeks of my life.”
“Mine too.”
“Paige is picking you up?”
“Her or Mark, I should probably head out and see if they’re here.”
“Not yet.”
Ben got a text from Jimmy letting him know he needed to get through customs or he was going to miss their flight.
“I gotta go baby. I’m gonna miss you so much.” Ben pulled Liv in as close as he could get her. God he was getting tired of saying goodbye to her.
“Liv,” he put his hands on either side of her face. “Thank you for coming back to me, thank you for giving us a chance. I love you so much.”
Liv reached up and pulled him closer, her lips brushed across his and she kissed her way across his cheek, over to spot just below his ear. “I love you too Ben. So much,” she whispered.
He leaned his head back, just like he did when he was going to laugh, or when he was playing guitar, but this time he just closed his eyes and pulled her closer to him.
***
“He did it to you,” said Paige on the ride home.
“He came to visit. This is a little different.”
Paige shrugged her shoulders. “Not that different. By the time you get back from Oklahoma and put everything in motion, he’ll be on his way home. Just do it Liv.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to Billy tomorrow.”
***
“You can do this,” said Jolene, in a comforting tone Liv hadn’t realized the woman possessed.
Liv and Micah had been working hard for three weeks—riding hard, riding fast, but the one thing Liv couldn’t bring herself to do was take him around the barrels.
“Start slow. Just ride around the barrel, don’t try to hug it. Just ride around it.”
In took three more days before Liv could bring herself to complete the entire cloverleaf pattern, and even then it was barely at a trot.
A few days later, Liv was starting to pick up speed. She knew Micah was itching to do it right, but each time she pulled him back.
“Let him go this time, all out,” Jolene yelled from the fence.
“How’s she doin’?” asked Mary Beth, standing near her.
Jolene showed her Liv’s last time. Thirty-four seconds.
“This ain’t a race timer, but it’s close enough. She’s ready but she’s sure not gonna be happy with these times.”
“Does she know you’re timin’ her yet?”
“Nope.”
“Keep at her.”
“Yep.”
“Maybe you should get mean.”
“What’re you talkin’ about?”
“She likes it when you’re mean, you remind her of her father.”
“I am never mean.”
“Jolene, I love you dearly, but you are always mean. You’re coddling her. Stop it. Push her, make her do it. You’ve eased her in enough. I’ve been watchin’ Micah. He’s fine, he’s ready, he’s just waitin’ for her.”
“I don’t know.”
“Do it Jolene. She’ll be okay. Stop protecting her.”
“That’s it for today,” Jolene shouted to Liv, who waved and rode Micah in the direction of the barn.
Jolene walked away in the opposite direction, but Mary Beth knew she’d been listening. She couldn’t wait to see what was gonna happen tomorrow.
She made a couple of calls on her cell phone on her way home that night. “Yep, you might wanna try to get down here tomorrow morning,” she told each person she called.
“We’re running the timer today,” Jolene said when Liv walked into the barn.
“Good morning to you too, and what?”
“You heard me. I’ve had enough of sittin’ around watchin’ you stroll around the barrels. We’re either gonna start runnin’ times or you might as well go back to Monument.”
“But—”
“Those are the only two options I’m willin’ to put out there Olivia. Which is it gonna be?”
Liv turned and stomped out of the barn. Uh oh, that hadn’t been the option Jolene thought she’d pick. Now what was she going to do? Was Liv really going to leave? She’d have to think about this.
A few minutes later Liv stomped back in. “Are we gonna do this or not?”
“Sure, um, you wanna get Micah saddled up?”
“Yep.” She stomped over to Micah’s stall and led him out.
“Liv, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Where’d you go?”
“To change my shirt.” If she and Micah were going to do this today she wanted Ben wrapped around her, so she went and put on one of the shirts he left on the door handle of her closet. But there wasn’t any way in hell she was going to tell Jolene that.
Over and over and over Jolene made her do it. Her first times were in the high twenties.
“Again. Focus. Get the lead out girl.”
Fourth time out, she came in at twenty seconds.
“What’re you doin’ out there? Is that Micah or Pooh you’re ridin’?”
Mary Beth was sitting on the fence at the opposite end of the arena and couldn’t prove it, but she could swear Liv had just flipped Jolene off.
She turned around and waved at Renie, Paige and Mark, who were sitting in a truck taping the whole thing. Mark gave her a thumbs up. Yep, he’d seen it too, and got it. Liv had been so focused all day, Mary Beth didn’t think she’d even noticed the truck sitting there, let alone the people in it.
The next day when she came in just above seventeen seconds, Liv jumped off Micah, ran over, threw her arms around Jolene, and kissed her. Mary Beth hoped Mark had a zoom lens strong enough to pick up the tears on Jolene’s cheeks.
Mark uploaded the video he just finished and hit send on the email.
“Ready?” Renie said, and the three of them got out of the truck.
Liv heard yelling and turned to see her daughter and her two best friends jumping up and down, waving their hands and running toward her.
“What the—”
“Mary Beth,” said Jolene. “I think they’ve been here since yesterday.” Jolene doubted Liv even heard her, she was halfway to them already.
“Did you see me?” Liv kept asking over and over again.
“We did,” answered Paige. “Mark even recorded it.”
“How did it feel Mom?”
“So amazing . . . even better than skiing,” she laughed.
***
Ben had been sitting by the computer waiting for the email to come over. For the last couple of weeks, he’d only gotten what Jolene sent him, which were bits and pieces of Liv’s day. He saw she was getting better, but until he saw Mark’s video from the day before, did he think she was actually going to be able to do it.
And Then You Fall (Crested Butte Series) Page 27