Destructive Choices

by L. U. Ann

  "I don't understand Devon. We've been getting along. Why can't we still be friends? What did I do...?” Tears are flowing as the loss of someone special hits me.

  "Lacey, that's not what I meant. Let me rephrase it for you.” He gets up and sits next to me on the bed. “I don't want to be friends with you." His eyes lock on mine, and his fingers gently wipe my tears. It feels so nice, but I can't think about that right now. I'm losing Devon. I really like him and want more than anything to get to know him better, maybe even date him. Fuck, how can I say that?

  "Yoo-hoo, Lacey."

  "Oh, sorry I spaced out on you." Should I tell him how sad this makes me?

  "I don't want to be friends because I want more."

  My breath hitches in my throat and I can't think of anything but the blue-eyed beauty in front of me.

  "You want more?" I ask, shocked.

  He smiles and nods knowingly.

  "Um...”

  He places his finger on my lips to shush me, but I need to tell him I feel the same way.

  “Please, don’t talk. I couldn’t bear hearing you say no to me. Not after losing you last year. I know we only met once, and trust me when I say my buddies gave me a lot of grief about this, but you’re different Lacey. I’ve never had a connection with someone like I have with you. I wasn’t even supposed to be at Orpheus that night. We were going to another club. But for some reason, I told the guys we needed to go. I was being drawn to you. And as soon as I found you, you were gone. I’ve felt as though part of me has been missing ever since, until the day I spotted your gorgeous hair."

  Well, holy crap. What the hell do I say to that?

  We stare into each other’s eyes for a little bit longer.

  “I say we play a couple games of UNO and then call it a night. You’re exhausted, Sugar Pants.”

  I push his arm at the nickname, although I kind of like it.

  We play an obscene number of games. Mr. Competitor, Devon, kisses me on the cheek before he leaves with a promise to return tomorrow.

  "Hi Sugar! Doctor Love here would like to have dinner with you." One of the nurses says, cleaning up the table to make room for the platters.

  I look up at Devon, confused.

  "I want to celebrate your last night in rehab with you. You're scheduled to go home tomorrow and I thought this would be something really cool to celebrate." He smiles shyly and shrugs his shoulders.

  Oh my God, he is spoiling me.

  "It’s just dinner, Sugar Pants. No need to stress."

  He thinks I'm stressed? Well, okay, I am. I’ve just split with Caine. It's too soon and I need to remain focused on getting better and on Evan, but I know I have feelings for him.

  A line of people that look nothing like doctors enters the room. Each person is dressed in a white jacket and black pants, and has a towel draped over his arm like you’d see in the movies. I smile, looking over at Devon who is intently watching me. With my legs dangling from the side of the bed, I turn back to watch the spectacle unfold before me. A nurse moves the bed table between Devon and me, and covers it with a cloth. The line of workers begins filing by and placing dishes on our table.

  It reminds me of “Be Our Guest” from Beauty and the Beast. Blooms of every color are placed around the room. Cups are filled with water, cloth napkins instead of the crappy paper ones from downstairs are rolled, holding our silverware. Silverware, not the plastic cafeteria utensils. A couple of other nurses have joined in on the spectacle by placing battery-operated candles on the table and around the room. I'm in awe over how quickly this outdated room is turned into a surreal getaway.

  I shoot a look back to Devon who doesn't appear to be looking at anything but me. Isn't he amazed at the beauty of it all?

  "Devon, what is all this?" I ask.

  "This, Lacey, is us having dinner together." He stands, unrolls my napkin, and places it on my lap. "I missed my chance to take you out to dinner a year ago and I plan on making it up to you and much more."

  Much more? I blink, watching him sit back down, not exactly understanding. "Lacey, I know things have been rocky for you and Caine. I also know about you breaking it off with him. Do you honestly think Becca would have kept that one a secret? Especially after finding out what happened that night?" He shakes his head; all smiles are gone. Running a hand down his face as if flustered, he stops and watches me while I study him.

  "Lacey, this is dinner. It’s no big deal,” he says a moment later and shrugs.

  No big deal? This is huge!

  “I don’t want to scare you off, so let's eat before it gets cold." He stands again and takes the cover off my dish. I smile. "For you, Madam, we have a tostada salad from your favorite restaurant, Chevy’s." He grins his wide, perfect smile.

  A knock on the door interrupts our moment.

  "Sorry, I forgot something." The nurse leans in to start an MP3 player and turns off the switch, leaving only a small light and the candles illuminating the room.

  Gavin DeGraw's “Not Over You” begins to lightly play, sending chills throughout my body.

  "Devon, I don't know what to say."

  "Maybe thank you or you're an awesome person. Either one of those will work. I'm not expecting anything from this Lacey. You need to eat. I need to eat. So, why not eat together? I was going to ask you on a date the next time I saw you. It's almost a year late, but it's better late than never. Right?" he asks, pulling the cover off his plate as well. I inspect his dinner with lingering eyes. "What?" he asks warily.

  "Why do you have fajitas? Do you have something against the beloved tostada salad?" I ask coyly.

  "Um, yeah. You know all that added stuff is really bad for you, right?"

  I roll my eyes at him.

  "Don't hate the fried shell!"

  We laugh, easing the tension.

  Dinner is great. We talk about everything from his classes, his internship, and lacrosse to Evan, work and me starting college in the fall. We fall into a comfortable conversation not realizing the time until one of the new nurses interrupts us to give me meds, and the wait staff reappears to clear out the dishes. Devon intently watches everything. I don't know what is going on with him. After my nurse leaves, Devon helps me stand and pulls me to where my body aligns perfectly with his. Lana Del Ray's “Young and Beautiful” plays and we begin to dance slowly, though it is more of a sway than a dance. With an arm wrapped around him and the other hand resting lightly between our bodies, careful to not hurt me, I hang on for dear life.

  He smells so nice with a subtle hint of cologne. I'm so thankful I made myself take a shower after my long therapy session, exhausted or not. I'd rather Devon didn't smell me after the workout they made me do. No, that would not have been good. I'm in Heaven right now, with the instruments playing their way through our bodies, as we connect further. I close my eyes, enjoying the man holding me, and the moment growing between us, like a rose in one of the flower arrangements decorating my room blooming. Lifehouse's “Between the Raindrops” sounds through the speakers and all I want to do is melt into him.

  "Lacey?" He pulls back and our eyes meet. "Can I kiss you?"

  I nod, unable to speak. Did he just ask to kiss me? Who does that anymore?

  Our lips meet and my insides turn to mush. Warmth fills me with each soothing kiss. His lips linger for a moment, and we sway with our lips together. He pulls back and I open my eyes to find him searching my face. I smile and follow suit. I lay my head on his shoulder and we continue to move. His hand traces small circles on my back. I'm in freaking Heaven right now. How the hell can I go from one guy to another? And so quickly?

  As if sensing my hesitation, he stops moving.

  "I'm sorry Devon. I don't want to lead you on. I don't..." I turn around to proceed towards the bed and suddenly realize I need the fucking cane I swore off. SHIT! He helps me sit on the side of the bed and then sits in Mom's chair. "Dev-... what's that?"

  He follows my finger to something on the floor. When he picks it u
p, I recognize the handwriting before Devon even hands it to me.

  Caine. I stare at the envelope, not wanting to read anything that guy has to say.

  "Perhaps I should go." Devon stands and begins to walk past me.

  "No, please don't go. Please?" I ask, but internally beg.

  "Lacey, I don't want to push you. I'm so sorry I got caught up in the moment and asked to kiss you. I swear I wasn't expecting it, or anything. I just really want a chance here, and if that means we have to be friends, I'll take that. I'll take anything, Lacey. I know we only met once and then found each other recently, but you don't know how many times I thought about you. How many times I regretted letting go of you and watching you walk away. I kicked my ass many times for not getting your number. I know it's crazy since we only had that one night, but I really felt something with you and I feel it now. Hell, I know you feel this, too, dammit!" He curses and turns away shaking his head. Throwing his hands in the air, he turns back. "So much for not laying it on thick, right?" He smirks, but I know he's frustrated. Not at me, he's frustrated with the situation.

  I shake my head. "No Devon... you didn't do anything wrong. You are so sweet to do all this. Please stay." I look him in the eye. "I want you to stay."

  He nods and sits back down.

  "You should see what he has to say."

  I look up at Devon. How did he know it was from Caine? I know I look confused.

  "It was a guess. Seems I'm pretty good at that."

  I nod and tear the envelope open to find out what the hell is left to say.

  Dear Lacey,

  I wish more than anything to have you as my forever. I am beginning to realize you don't want that. I've made mistakes and am only human. I wish you could get past my indiscretions. Being with you makes me want to be a better person. Walking away has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I love you and Evan so much it hurts. I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest.

  Maybe once you are released and have some time to think about things, you'll come back to me. I can only hope and pray that's what happens. We can live happily ever after as a family. I will be coming back to see Evan as much as possible. I'm not going to take him from you. I know you have a special bond and I refuse to be the one to break that. That's how much I love you. I'm willing to walk away from not only you, but Evan, too.

  I'll always be his father. Make sure Devon knows that. I've heard all about him. It's just a matter of time before he moves in and turns you and Evan against me. I won't ever stop being Evan's father, though. I will come back for holidays and whenever I can get time off to visit my son. Remember, he's my son, too.

  Good luck with your recovery, and I hope in time you will come back to me.

  Goodbye, Lacey. I love you, always and forever. You're the ultimate love of my life.

  Caine

  The note falls from my fingertips while I sink further into the mattress.

  Chapter Five and a Half

  "Your memory loss is a joke! When are you going to stop lying to everyone?" Mom cries.

  "I'm not lying. I don't remember anything in the past since the accident." Dad says in a pitiful tone.

  "Accident? You call that an accident? Patrick, you fell off a ladder. You weren't unconscious. All the doctors you've seen say you are lying about your memory loss. Why do you continue to play these games with us? What are you hiding from?" Mom asks, not realizing I'm hiding in my room since I came home early from Becca's.

  "I have memory loss, Alexis!" He shouts and then I hear the slap.

  Oh no, no, no! I begin to listen more closely. I'm stopping it if he hits her.

  "Patrick, you are an embarrassment. All our friends and family know you're lying. We catch you all the time covering it up. It's become a point of amusement. When are you going to stop, own up to it, and move on with your life? Why is it so important for you to keep up with these charades?"

  There's a scream, then more yelling, and...

  Devon is so sweet, asking if he can drive me home. Since he is going to medical school, he has somehow convinced my mom it is a grand idea. Becca and Mindy are going to meet us at the house where Mom and my little Sweet Pea will be awaiting our arrival. I. Cannot. Wait.

  After all instructions, prescriptions, and follow up doctors are consulted, Devon wheels me out to the bright rays, warming the hollows of my deprived body. The sun is an intense beautiful star, so lovely to allow us to feed on its life. Oh, how I've missed this.

  “Come on, Sugar Pants, the car is waiting,” Devon says, helping me stand up from the mandatory wheelchair escort out of the hospital.

  Wait.

  "Car? Did you park it illegally?" I ask, wondering.

  Leading me down the curb, he chuckles, and I forget my anxiety over the step.

  Ugh, Alicia was brutal in therapy, demanding I practice steps. There was a time when I thought of turning around and pushing her down them. I wouldn't. I don't think. It was just a really long day and I was exhausted.

  A man steps out of the driver’s side of a black shiny car. It’s longer than a regular car but shorter than a limo, I think, but the pain meds could be playing tricks on me. The guy rushes around to get the door. Turning to ask Devon what he’s doing, I gaze questioningly into his bright blue eyes.

  His eyes were the first thing that captured my attention on the dance floor, and the first thing to make my heart skip a beat when seeing them for the second time in the hospital. Those eyes feel like they own me. I can’t understand how a simple feature can awaken so much inside of me. It seems as if God was waiting for the moment I set my eyes on those piercing blues so I would know that life would be okay. Only I didn’t set eyes on them until it was too late. Or so I thought.

  "I don't understand," I say.

  "Good afternoon, Mr. Holmes, or is it Doctor Holmes now?" The older man asks with smiling eyes.

  My heart pounds fast in utter confusion.

  "Funny, old man, I see some things never change. Lacey, this is Frank." Devon shakes his hand.

  "Mrs. Rogers."

  Frank nods, and I think that name actually makes me shudder. How did he know my last name? Has Devon spoken to him about me? For reasons I’m not quite sure of yet, it warms my heart.

  "Um... you can call me Lacey," I say slowly. I’m shocked, and not sure if it’s because Devon has hired a driver, or because this guy just called me by douche bag's last name.

  "Lacey, don't act so surprised," He teases. "Frank is a great family friend. He and his wife practically raised my brother and me."

  Whoa, what? I scrunch my eyebrows together.

  "Uh..." Devon reaches over with his hand, lifting my chin to close my mouth.

  Oh.

  He leans into my ear, sending those wickedly divine chills throughout my body. "You're going to catch flies with your mouth open like that," he finishes, snickering.

  Oh, that's cruel.

  "Frank, thank you for picking us up," Devon says, as Frank opens the door.

  "You have a bro–" I'm doing my best to bend over to maneuver myself into the car when multiple shouts of "SURPRISE!" erupt from the small confines of the vehicle. Jumping out of my skin, I lose my footing, falling into–yes, you guessed it–Devon's arms. Arms made to wrap around me, hands that seem to know exactly where to go, and fingers that brand everywhere they touch. They have ruined me for any other touch.

  A bunch of ‘Are you okay’, ‘I'm sorry’, and ‘Oh no, Lacey’ ring from the inside of the vehicle, and then the most beautiful sound of all, my Evan crying. The poor thing must be scared. I quickly forget that I have even one thing wrong with me and rush to my baby's aid. He is absolutely fine wrapped in my mom's arms, just startled. Needing the relief of sitting down, I gently lower myself to the seat, smiling at everyone.

  I find not only Mom and Evan sitting comfortably, but Lane, Grandma Pain, Becca, and Mindy, too.

  "Oh my goodness, you're all here?" I'm happy, and the overwhelming feelings of goi
ng home bring tears to my eyes. "I'm so glad to see you all. Thank you for coming." I rest my head on Evan who has now calmed from the excitement and willingly leans into me, his mommy. I'm so happy.

  Evan's calm demeanor doesn’t last long. He soon starts pumping his fists and the babbling commences. It's wonderful. I turn to thank everyone again.

  Grandma Pain interrupts me.

  "Sweet Child, don't thank us. You have only the fine gentleman sitting next to you to thank for all of this."

  My eyes grow.

  Smiling, I turn to Devon. "You did all of this?"

  He confirms with a wink.

  With a sprouting smile, and my cheeks blushing, I thank him.

  He leans in to whisper, "Anything for you."

  I shiver from his closeness, and after a quick kiss on my cheek, he sits back into the seat with a look of pure humor.

  Oh shit, you know where you get all warm and fuzzy inside from flirting? Yeah, that's how I am right now. My face feels flush, and I don't exactly know what I think about having these sensations so soon again.

  Hopefully, Evan has been entertaining everyone while I’ve been having lustful thoughts of Devon. Returning my vision to the crowd, I nervously wonder if anyone saw me blush. Dammit, everyone’s eyes are on me, and two particular ladies at opposite ends of the age spectrum raise their eyebrows in amusement. I roll my eyes at Grandma Pain and Becca, and pretending they aren’t there, I concentrate on Evan.

  Conversations flow effortlessly around the car. It’s so nice to have everyone here, including Mindy, who has clearly become part of the family. Devon’s kindness awakens feelings that I think I'm finally ready to address.

  I am a little nervous when I walk into the house, not knowing if my father will be here. He hasn’t been back to visit me after the first few days of my waking up all those weeks ago. I hope Mom has had the courage to tell him what I know. I can't even begin to think of how this situation is going to unfold.