Relativity

by Dodd, Lauren

  “We’ll get it figured out, Nat. I promise.”

  I feel like a fucking fraud as I watch Natalie drive away. I swore to her that everything would be alright when nothing is all right. She’s in love with a married man, her dad is probably having an affair, her mother is emotionally checked out, and her best friend is in love with her brother.

  Needing time away from drama, I settle in to spend the afternoon with Dad. I fix tomato soup and cheese toasties and we have a picnic on the floor in front of the television. Mom used to love eating like this. I fight not to drown by the wave of grief that just struck me blindly.

  “You’re getting to be a pretty good cook,” Dad teases, flipping his sandwich from the soggy side to the burnt side, not quite sure where to start.

  “You don’t look like you’re starving to me,” I tease, even though I actually have started to notice how much Dad’s belly has shrank in the last month.

  “So, how was prom? King and queen, pretty fancy stuff,” he comments, smiling, then tears off a bite of sandwich and chokes it down with a spoonful of soup.

  “It was fun,” I minimalize. I don’t go into how the whole queen thing was just because I’m a half-orphan now and even teenagers feel empathy occasionally.

  “Tate seems nice. Please tell me that Mom gave you the birds and the bees talk already,” he says, only half-jokingly.

  I cover my face with my hands, embarrassed. If he only knew the things his little girl had done with an older man. I remember how immature I felt next to Knox and Greer last night and I realize for the first time that Knox couldn’t have felt the same pleasure I did since I’m such an inexperienced lover compared to him. A new layer of despair cloaks me like a blanket.

  “The headstone is going to be placed next week,” Dad blurts out.

  I drop my hands, surprised. “You went back without me?”

  “I just felt like it was too much for you. You’re already dealing with so much. Besides, we had already talked about what we wanted and that’s what I got.”

  “But you shouldn’t have had to go by yourself,” I say, feeling guilty.

  He turns away from me and mumbles something I can’t quite hear.

  “What?” I ask.

  He stuffs his mouth full of sandwich then answers, “Karen went with me.”

  Something that feels like lava starts pooling near my stomach. I can feel it snake its way up my esophagus. I choke it down like I’m swallowing a basketball. Knox and Greer, Natalie and Cale, now Dad and Karen. I steady myself, spooning soup into my mouth until I can get a handle on my emotions. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and throw this bowl of soup across the room so it smashes against the wall and leaves a giant red stain. But I don’t.

  “I’m glad she could help you,” I mutter, every nerve in my body on edge.

  We spend the next two hours in silence, staring at the television. I don’t think either one of us could tell what the movie we just watched was about because we were lost in our own worlds. I retreat to my bedroom for the night, crawl under my covers, and dial Mom’s number. I tell her all about how much I love Knox, what a mess Natalie is making of her life, and how much I miss her. I leave out the part about my suspicions that Dad has a girlfriend already. I have to time my conversations, or conversation snippets I should say, just right so her voicemail doesn’t cut me off before I can tell her how much I love her. I fall asleep before it is even dark outside.

  ******

  It has been two weeks since prom, which means it has been two weeks since I’ve spoken to Knox, with the exception of restaurant talk. I thought I’d be detoxed of wanting him by now but if anything my desire has gotten worse. It doesn’t help knowing that he spends every night with Greer doing things to her body that I’d give anything to let him do to mine.

  It’s also been two weeks since Dad told me that Karen helped pick out my mother’s gravestone. I haven’t said a word about how much it upset me but I’m pretty sure he can pick up on the tension between us now. Then again, maybe not, considering he pretty much just passes out in his recliner the minute he gets home from work these days.

  It has also been two weeks since I realized that my best friend is having an affair with a married man. I have tried to bring it up a million times but I just can’t find the words. She flits around Mozzarella like she is on cloud nine completely oblivious to the fact that her world is going to come crashing down hard very soon when Cale’s wife finds out about them. Meanwhile, she is still stringing Connor along, using him as an alibi to throw anyone off her betrayal.

  Two weeks have passed since I could have been honest with Tate and told him that I’m in love with someone else or that I just didn’t have the energy for a relationship but I’ve continued to let him saddle up to the counter at work every night and wait for me to get off so that he can drive me home.

  I know how horrible it is to lead him on but when Greer started waiting for Knox every night, I just couldn’t let Knox win. I need him to think I’m over him. I can’t let him know that he still owns me.

  “Can you take my shift tonight?” Natalie begs, pulling me back to reality.

  “Why?” I ask, biting into an apple. If she expects me to cover for her every time she hooks up with Cale, she better at least start coming clean.

  “It’s only one hour early,” she points out.

  I think about telling her that I know all about the damage that can be done in one hour. I could live a lifetime if I had just one more hour alone with Knox. Which, if I took the shift, I would have an hour alone with him but not the kind of hour I’m thinking about.

  “You could get off an hour earlier to be with your sweetie pie,” she says, trying to sweeten the deal.

  I spy Tate across the quad, hesitating when he sees me. I hold my hand up in a pathetic attempt at a wave. He smiles shyly, putting his head down as he makes his way toward us.

  “Shut up with that shit. He’s on his way over,” I say, wiping my mouth.

  She rolls her eyes at me then ditches her salad and buries her nose in her phone. I have an insane urge to rip it out of her hands to see the disgusting texts messages that I know Cale must be sending her but I manage to control myself.

  “Hello, ladies. Is it okay if I bust in on your party?” He is teasing but I detect a nervousness in his voice. Maybe he isn’t so clueless after all.

  “We’d be honored, king,” Natalie says, not looking up from her phone. “Where’s my man?”

  I’m so stunned by Natalie’s comment that I have to turn my head so Tate doesn’t notice my disgusted look.

  “Coach grabbed him to help move some stuff. He’ll be out soon,” Tate assures her.

  “So, you and Connor are like an item?” I ask, sarcasm dripping from my voice. Our eyes lock and she knows that I know.

  “I like him a lot,” she says timidly, dropping her eyes.

  “I think that’s really sweet. You guys make a cute couple. Maybe you’ll get married,” I ramble, knowing I’m out of control.

  “Stop it,” she hisses through gritted teeth.

  “Why don’t you stop it?” I practically bark.

  Tate’s eyes are huge saucers ricocheting back and forth between Natalie and I as he shoves half of a folded slice of pizza in his mouth.

  “Will you work for me or not?” she asks hatefully, standing up and grabbing her stuff.

  “Of course, there is nothing I wouldn’t do to help young love out.” I know I’m being such a bitch, possibly even the c word, not that I can bring myself to say that one. But I can’t help it. I’ve got too much bottled up and I can’t talk to anyone about any of it.

  I can’t tell anyone about Natalie and Cale. I can’t tell anyone about Knox. And I don’t want to tell anyone about Dad and Karen. I’m bubbling over with secrets and I felt like if I didn’t lash out at Natalie then I would boil over.

  She huffs off, giving me a terrified look over her shoulder. She’s afraid I’m going to rat her out, which I would neve
r do, but hopefully it will be enough to make her end this toxic relationship.

  “Holy cat fight,” Tate teases, finishing off his pizza.

  “Shit. We never fight,” I say, burying my head in my hands. The last person on earth that I want to be alienating is Natalie. I really just want to tell her everything and it is killing me that I can’t.

  “Dude, you’re allowed. You’ve been through so much. I mean, there’s enough stress just with graduating and deciding what to do with your future but then everything with your mom. It’s okay if you don’t always have your shit together.” He touches my arm gently, trying to console me.

  “You’re really sweet, Tate,” I say, wishing I could feel about him the way I feel about Knox. It would make life so much less complicated.

  “Sweet. The adjective of death,” he jokes, clutching his chest.

  “I’m sorry,” I admit, knowing that we both know this thing with us isn’t going anywhere so there is no point in denying it any longer.

  “It’s okay. At least I lost out to a good guy,” he whispers, glancing around conspiratorially.

  A puzzled look crosses my face as I try and figure out what he’s talking about. “You aren’t losing out to anybody, Tate. I’ve just got so much to work out.”

  “It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone,” he says.

  I force myself to stay calm, knowing that there is no possible way he could know. “The queen hath no earthly idea what you speak of,” I say, trying to turn it into a joke.

  He leans toward me and gets so close to my face that I think he might kiss me then he veers to the right and whispers in my ear. “Knox.”

  I can’t hide my shock and every fiber in my body tells me to fight it. I can’t let him know that he’s right. But the look in his eyes tells me that he isn’t interested in obliterating my life with this knowledge. And I’m just too damn exhausted to lie.

  “We aren’t together anymore,” I confess.

  “You will be,” he says, smiling. His words are like tinder to a tiny flame inside me that I thought was all but extinguished. If Knox and I could be together I wouldn’t care about anything else, ever.

  “How did you know?” I ask, mystified.

  “He’s always been a super nice guy and he was acting like he wanted to shank me when I started waiting on you to get off work so I was suspicious. It’s so obvious that he’s just using that girl to get your attention,” he rattles off, eyeballing the rest of my apple. I hand it to him, smiling.

  “And you’re just cool with it?” I ask, hoping he’s right about Greer even though I know it doesn’t make a difference.

  “It’s complicated for sure. I mean, you and Nat have been friends forever and she’s going to feel betrayed when she finds out, but I have a sneaking suspicion that she has some skeletons of her own and they aren’t named Connor,” he smirks.

  “Jesus, who are you? Gossip Girl?” I tease.

  “Oh, and just a little heads up, I got caught in a bit of a delicate situation with two juniors after prom the other night so if you used me as an alibi, you might have some damage control to do.” With that, he tosses the now nibbled-to-the-core apple on his pizza plate and strolls off, winking at me as he goes.

  ******

  The chat with Tate made me feel a little better but I’m still feeling rather on edge today. I just hope I can keep my shit together at work tonight.

  Knox’s Jeep is already here when I pull the van behind the restaurant to park. I let myself in the back door and hear humming. Greer must have made him pretty damn happy last night if he’s still whistling. I wonder if I ever made him whistle.

  I pass by the refrigerator, hating that I still fantasize about dragging him in there and having my way with him. My body craves him no matter what words are spoken between us.

  “I’m here,” I announce, warning him.

  “Well, hi there, Ripley,” Mr. Parsons says, cheerfully. I’m stunned to see him standing where I expected Knox to be. A look of disappointment must cross my face even though I try not to let it show.

  “Hi, Mr., uh, Chad,” I correct myself, still not used to using his first name.

  “It looks like we both got played,” he jokes.

  “Natalie had some errands to run,” I lie, hating that I still automatically cover for her.

  He tosses a giant bag of flour on his shoulder and carries it into a closet full of extra supplies. “Yes, apparently Knox had some life-altering things to attend to as well and he had to use my truck. Plus, he’s super pissed at Bea and I for separating.”

  An awkward silence hangs over the kitchen as I tie my apron around my waist. I busy myself stocking toppings to prepare for the upcoming night. “I’m sorry about that,” I force out.

  “It was a long time coming. The kids don’t believe me but Bea and I have gotten along better in the last few days since we finally made the decision then we have in the last ten years. Some people just aren’t meant to be together.”

  “It’s still really sad though,” I reply, ripping open a giant container of pepperoni.

  He stops what he’s doing and says, “You’re right. It is.” But no matter what he says he seems happier than I’ve seen him in a long time and I wonder if Natalie might be right about him having an affair. I never thought he was the type, but how can you really tell?

  “I think my dad is dating already,” I blurt out. I gasp, not believing that I just said those words out loud.

  I glance up at Chad and his kind eyes are smiling back at me but there isn’t a hint of surprise or judgment in them.

  “Don’t you think that’s kind of soon?” I ask, figuring I’ll go for broke now that I’ve let that secret slip.

  “He’s just trying to figure out life without your mom,” he says, but his voice catches, betraying what he really thinks.

  “Please don’t tell anybody,” I beg, hoping Dad and Karen don’t go running around town, arm in arm quite yet.

  “Not in a million years,” he promises, making a zipping motion across his mouth. “But do me a favor and give your dad the benefit of the doubt. As much as we think we know somebody, sometimes we can’t ever know what’s truly in their heart.”

  His cryptic response just confuses me more but at least I know he won’t tell anybody and that’s the important thing. He flips on a radio and we spend the rest of the hour before opening prepping the restaurant, lost in our own thoughts.

  I never understood what the expression-shit eating grin-meant until Knox comes strolling through the door. I want to smack the I’m-so-happy-because-I just-got-laid expression right off of him but I just continue wiping down the chalk wall so another day of proclamations of love can start fresh.

  “Hey, queenie,” he jokes, not bothering to make eye contact.

  I don’t even acknowledge him, although my body does involuntarily.

  Natalie flies in fifteen minutes late, her hair disheveled and her T-shirt wrinkled. I won’t even look at her. She’s been reduced to fucking in the back of Cale’s car on his lunch break and it makes me sick. Then, I remember how Knox made me come against the counter where we prep pizzas and I don’t feel quite so high and mighty anymore.

  I curse myself for dredging up the memory of the last time Knox touched me. My panties get damp almost immediately thinking about his hands on me. I force myself to think about him with Greer and it cools me down pretty quick.

  Luckily, people are showing up for dinner and we are all too busy to do anything but our jobs. It isn’t a crazy night but it is still busy enough that I don’t have to talk to Natalie or Knox about anything but pizza and refills.

  I’m just about to flip the sign on the door to closed when a deputy walks through the door. I recognize him immediately. He is one of the officers that came to the house the night that Mom died.

  “Is it too late to get a couple pies?” he asks, a smile spreading across his face.

  “Um, I’ll check,” I answer, flipping the sign to closed, and hiding my f
ace. The last thing I’m in the mood for tonight is the officer recognizing me and that now familiar look of pity killing the obvious good mood he’s in. I scurry past him and plow right into Knox coming around the corner.

  He grips my arms to steady me, oblivious to the fact that him touching me has more effect on my body than our collision.

  “There’s a cop out here that wants some pizzas,” I tell him, careful not to look up and lose myself in his eyes.

  “Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?” I hear the cop asking me. He’s moved to the counter where he can see us.

  “I don’t think so,” I murmur, pulling away from Knox and rushing to clean the dining area and get out of this guy’s line of sight before he recognizes me. I glance up just long enough to see Knox raise an eyebrow, obviously wondering why a cop would know me.

  I hear Knox’s surprised voice behind me as he recognizes the cop.

  “Holy shit, would you look at this? The city of Jasper made one of the biggest juvenile delinquents I’ve ever met into a cop,” he booms, his voice laced with laughter.

  “Knox! I didn’t realize you were back, buddy. How’s it going?” the cop responds, pounding Knox on the back.

  Mr. Parsons greets the cop and asks him what he kind of pizzas he wants then busies himself prepping and baking them while Knox visits with his friend. I watch Natalie swipe her dad’s phone when he isn’t looking and disappear into the refrigerator.

  “Ripley, it’s ten, you can take off,” Mr. Parsons tells me.

  “I’m almost finished,” I yell, wiping off the last few tables and making my way through the dining room, flipping chairs upside down, trying to disguise my eavesdropping. Besides, I don’t want to give the cop another close up of me. I know it isn’t the end of the world if he recognizes me but I just want to make it through one day of being just Ripley and not the girl whose mother died.

  Knox and this guy are obviously old friends so they’ll be catching up on each other’s lives. I have to know if Knox brings up Greer. It is stupid and unproductive but I don’t care.

  “I thought for sure you’d re-enlist,” the cop says, taking a seat at the counter. “Chicks dig a sailor.”